


Love Will Tear Us Apart

by lovelarry10



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: A fic of two halves, Addiction, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Childhood Friends, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Forgiveness, Friends With Benefits, Harry struggles, Harry's an asshole at first, Head Injury, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Major Character Injury, Medical Conditions, Medical Inaccuracies, Nick Grimshaw & Louis Tomlinson Friendship, Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Piercings, Punk Harry, Punk Louis, Punk Music, Recovery, Second Chances, Smut, Tattoos, They are in a band but not Zayn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 13:21:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 103,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18208850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelarry10/pseuds/lovelarry10
Summary: “You ruined my fucking life, Harry. You stopped me living my dream because you’re a selfish bastard who couldn’t keep himself clean for five fucking minutes. You took away my independence, my freedom, my choices, Harry. And I hate you for that, I hate you!”As he spat out the final words, Louis felt all of the fight go out of him. He slumped back into the chair, his heart racing his chest, his head beginning to swim. It was a familiar feeling, and one Louis didn't like. He looked up, finally meeting Harry’s gaze for the first time in a while.“Out of everyone in my life, Harry, I never thought you’d be the one to hurt me. Not like this.”A story of two halves.Louis and Harry had it all - a career, friendship, and some of the best sex either of them had ever had.But Harry ruins it all with one life-changing mistake ... and Louis is left to pay the price.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kat_G](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kat_G/gifts).



> This fic has been a long time coming, and for that, I can only apologise. Kat bid for this as part of the 1d Fanworks for Charity and donated a ridiculous amount for it, so I hope it's everything you wanted, love.
> 
> My hugest thanks go to Liz for all her help and support in crafting this and making it the best it can be, and to Laura for giving it a complete read through and telling me it wasn't complete crap lol!
> 
> I really hope you enjoy this.
> 
> Any medical inaccuracies are my own. I have done research, but as always, I am only human and can make errors, so please excuse any and remember that this is fiction. I've tagged as much as I can so if you find any of the themes hard, I won't be offended if you choose not to read this!
> 
> If you do... leave me a comment and let me know your thoughts, they're lifeblood for authors, I promise!
> 
> Enjoy :) Chloe x

**Five Years Ago**

“Thank you so much guys, we’ve been  _ Drunk Words, Sober Thoughts _ , and you have been a fucking amazing audience!”

Louis grinned as he looked across at Harry, waiting for him to finish his little bit to the audience before he jumped in. He adjusted the strap of his guitar that was cutting into the side of his neck, sure it was going to leave an ugly red mark later on but at the moment, he was too high from the adrenaline of being on stage in front of yet another screaming, sold-out crowd to truly care. 

“Goodnight Manchester, get home safe. We love you.” Harry waved and a barrage of screams flew towards the stage again, making all four men laugh and smile.

Louis leaned into his mic stand for the last time and stared out at the sea of happy faces in front of him, content with the performance they’d given, a little sad it had come to an end. “See you all soon, all the love!”

With those words, they all stepped away from their instruments and gathered in a line at the front of the stage. Beads of sweat trickled down Louis’ spine underneath the tank top he was wearing, but he didn't care. He slipped his hands into Harry’s on his right, Liam’s on his left and together, they raised them up before lowering into a bow, and standing up again. They repeated it once more before they all jogged off, heading backstage.

It wasn’t a huge venue so they were all crammed into one dressing room, and Niall and Liam immediately commandeered the sofa, slumping down into it, leaving Louis and Harry to take the foldaway chairs that were sat out. Before he sat down, Harry grabbed some water bottles from the fridge in the corner of the room and handed them out to his bandmates, smiling as they gave him their thanks in return.

“God, that was a great crowd,” Liam mused, wiping his mouth off with the back of his hand. “I can’t believe they even knew the words to the new one.”

“I can, we’ve got the most dedicated fans,” Niall replied with a grin, ripping his t-shirt off over his head, baring his torso. “I swear it gets hotter under those lights every night.”

Louis laughed, shaking his head, itching at the new tattoo he’d added to his sleeve just last week. He knew he shouldn’t really itch the raw skin, but it was annoying him too much to ignore it. “That’s cos you never fucking stand still, Nialler.”

“Ah, fuck off, Lou, our songs are bops, I see your little arse moving around and all.” Louis quickly flicked a middle finger up at Niall, who just laughed it off, downing the rest of his water, ignoring Harry’s raised eyebrows at that comment.

“Anyone up for some drinks? There’s a club down the road, thought we could go there, Dom said he’d get us in if we wanted to?” Niall nodded eagerly in reply to Liam’s question, and Louis couldn’t help his eyes flicker across to Harry to see what he wanted to do. Harry just shrugged and nodded, so Louis spoke up.

“Sounds good, could do with letting loose a bit.”

Louis could feel Harry’s eyes on him, staring at him from where he was sat just a few feet away but he blatantly ignored it. He knew what this was about, but he’d be damned if he’d let on that Harry was affecting him, even now. He screwed the cap back onto his water and set it down on the floor by his feet, kicking his boots off. They were half a size too small if he was honest, but they’d been too nice to resist buying. He was hoping if he wore them enough, they’d stretch out a bit but he hadn’t had much luck yet.

“I just want to go back to the hotel first, have a shower and get changed,” Louis piped up, and the others nodded in agreement, all a bit too sweaty from stage to want to go out just yet. “Need to sort out my eyeliner as well, I must look a fucking state-”

“As always,” Harry quipped, and Louis rolled his eyes, knowing Harry’s words were nothing but playful banter. “We all ready to head off then? The crew said they’d pack everything up tonight so we can make a move if you’re ready?”

“Yeah, let’s do it.” 

Niall got to his feet and stood in front of Liam, holding out his hands until he could pull his bandmate up as well. Liam almost tumbled into Niall, which made Harry and Louis laugh, knowing Liam was definitely going to get drunk tonight judging by his behaviour already. Drunk Liam was always fun Liam. “Ah, come on Payno, I’ve got ya. You’ll be grand with a couple of drinkies in ya.”

Harry held the door open as his bandmates tumbled out of the room, all of them thanking the crew and road hands as they left, everyone already packing up instruments and dismantling the stage, ready for the next show in a few days. Louis was kind of glad they had a couple of down days before the next one. He was only twenty four but sometimes he felt double that age. 

Life on the road wasn’t easy, and as much as he loved touring, there was something about going home for a few days, sitting and writing, chilling in his own home, slobbing out and not worrying about people snapping photos of him to sell to the press. Fame was a good thing, of course it was, but it didn't come without its sacrifices. With a glance at Harry, who had just slid into the seat next to him, pulling the door shut behind him, he realised that maybe the price of fame was higher than he’d ever anticipated.

~*~

“You gonna let me buy you a drink, then?”

Louis looked over to his left to the man propositioning him and shook his head, holding up his still full pint with a small smile. The guy shrugged and moved away, leaving Louis to turn around, leaning back against the bar as he saw his bandmates enjoying themselves. Niall, as always, had a bevy of girls around him, and they were all singing along tunelessly to the music pumping through the club. Liam was on the periphery of everything, speaking into a blonde’s ear with a small smile on his lips.

Louis pushed himself up onto his tiptoes for a minute looking for any sign of Harry. He knew that Harry was intent on getting drunk or high tonight, maybe even both, and it always set alarm bells off in his head. It wasn’t that Louis didn't enjoy indulging in the odd spliff every now and then, but when he knew Harry was going out to get off his face, Louis always made the decision to stay as sober as he could, to keep an eye on him. He couldn’t help it. Loving someone from afar would do that to you.

He sipped on his pint, licking the froth from his top lip when he saw him, over in a corner booth, several girls draped over his lap. Louis scoffed at that, knowing Harry was only seeking to perpetuate an image of himself the press liked to bandy around, whether or not it was true. Louis knew the truth, but still, it hurt when he saw Harry behave like this. Harry was blinking rapidly, a sure sign he’d already taken something, and there was an array of empty glasses on the table in front of him. Louis’ legs were taking him over there before he realised what he was doing.

“H, you wanna go back to the hotel, have a few drinks there?”

Harry looked up, bleary eyed, trying to focus on Louis. “Nah, I’m having a fucking awesome time here, aren’t I, ladies?” The redhead perched on his thigh giggled and nuzzled into Harry’s neck, making Louis seethe quietly. He clenched his hands into fists at his sides, and nodded. “Seriously, Lou, fucking lighten up mate. You want something? I got something that’ll loosen you up…”

Louis shook his head, folding his arms across his chest. “No. Just… be careful, Haz, okay?”

He walked away, knowing he’d say something he would regret if he didn't. He found a small table near the bar that was unoccupied and slid into the seat, happy it was a good vantage point to keep an eye on everyone. He fiddled absentmindedly with his lip ring, moving it between his fingertips as he wondered what to do. 

“Hey, is this seat taken?”

Louis peered up at the blonde who was hovering near the seat and shook his head, sighing quietly. He wasn’t in the mood to be hit on tonight, and the guy already stank of alcohol. He kept his eyes on Harry as the man sat down opposite him, clumsily setting down his drink in front of him.

“Don’t I recognise you?”

Louis rolled his eyes before turning his attention back to the guy. “Maybe, I don’t know. Do you?”

“Yeah, I reckon I do. You’re the singer in that band, aren’t you?”

“That’s me.” Louis didn't see the point in denying it, and he took another sip of his beer, wincing at the fact the liquid had warmed up now. “Listen, mate, I’m not-”

“My hotel room’s not far away. You wanna get out of here?” The guy sidled up to Louis and placed his hand on Louis’ thigh on top of his tattered denim jeans, eyes flitting all around his face, making Louis feel quite uncomfortable. Quickly, Louis grabbed his wrist and extracted his hand, but as he looked up, he caught Harry’s gaze locked on him, eyes dark and angry looking.

“No, thanks, I’m not looking for a hookup.”

“Oh come off it, mate. I’ve got a few tabs back there, we could take some, have some fun?” He leaned in and Louis pushed his chair back roughly, not caring he was creating a bit of a scene.

“I said no, alright? Now fuck off before I call my security and they make you get away from me.”

“Fucking pussy,” the guy muttered as he stood up, giving Louis the middle finger as he walked away. As much as Louis occasionally liked the attention of other men, there were times he really didn't welcome it, and tonight was one such night. He knew his appearance was eye-catching, that he couldn’t really pass under the radar but still, no meant no, whoever he was. He ran his hand through his bleach blonde locks, head throbbing now with stress and unease.

He needed the toilet so he stood up, draining the last of his pint before he pushed his way through the crowds, ramming open the door. Someone was in there, staring at themselves in the mirror but Louis moved over to the urinal, unzipping and relieving himself. The door banged open behind him but he paid it no attention as he tucked himself away again, heading for the sink when a pair of hands clamped on his hips. Louis tensed, immediately fearing it was the guy from earlier, but a lick to the side of his neck, along with a familiar scent, told him otherwise.

“What are you doing with that fucking loser, Lou, hmm?” 

“Harry, just… get off me, you’re off your face, and I’m really not interested.”

Harry scoffed, releasing Louis’ hips but he followed him to the sink, watching as Louis washed his hands, trying to arrange his hair in the meantime. Harry’s pupils were huge, like saucers, and Louis wished he was big enough to manhandle Harry back to the hotel, to get him somewhere safe where no one could take advantage of him. “With you and me, Louis, you’re always interested.”

Louis hated it when Harry was like this, all cocky and arrogant. As much as he loved his bandmate, this was one of Harry’s less attractive traits, and Louis grabbed a few paper towels from the dispenser, trying to ignore the remark. He dried his hands and dropped them into the bin, making his way to the door.

“Louis, don’t ignore me.”

“Harry, you’re being a twat. Stop it.” He tried not to react as Harry grabbed him, pushing his back against the wall. Louis was stretching on his tiptoes now, Harry practically lifting him off the floor, and Louis could smell the alcohol fumes radiating from him. He wrinkled his nose. “Harry, let me go.”

“Tell me you don’t want me and I will.”

Louis couldn’t, that was the problem. He blinked and Harry leaned in, pushing them both into a sloppy kiss. It was a mess of wet lips, tongues and roaming hands but as usual, when it came to Harry, Louis could never say no. He could feel Harry rutting against his thigh, his erection prominent now and Louis knew he had to stop it before it went any further. Not that it would be the first time. Not by a long shot. 

Louis threw his head back, ignoring the throb of pain from where his skull made contact with the brickwork, and moaned as Harry kissed down the side of his neck, sucking over where his neck tattoo came to an end. It had always been a spot that Harry liked to mark up over and over, and for some reason, Louis always let him. The slight sting of pain burned through his consciousness and Louis came to, realising he needed to put a stop to this now.

“Harry, not here, not now. Come on, let me take you back to the hotel, okay? The lads will come with us, we can all hang out-”

“Fuck, why are you such a killjoy, Lou?”

“I’m not. I care about you, okay? I don’t want someone taking advantage of you when you’re like this.” Harry released him and Louis smoothed out his t-shirt, straightening up the buckle of his studded belt. He glanced down to Harry’s bulge, smirking slightly at the fact it was him that had got Harry all riled up, not the big boobed girls that had draped themselves over his lap earlier on. “For me, Harry, please?”

“Give me an hour. Wanna have some fun first. You can watch over me if you must, but I’m not leaving yet.”

With that, Harry turned on his heel and slammed through the bathroom door, leaving Louis sighing in his wake. Louis turned to the mirror, fixing his fringe that had been messed up thanks to their make out session and followed him back out. Louis had a feeling it was going to be a very long hour.

~*~

“Harry… look, just wait there, let me get the keycard out.”

Louis propped a very inebriated Harry up against the wall outside his hotel room and rummaged in his pocket, finally emerging with the keycard for his room. Harry’s eyes were shut so Louis made quick work of opening the door and dragging Harry inside before anyone else could see him in this state. Louis knew Harry wasn’t necessarily going to thank him for this in the morning, but there was no way he was about to let Harry sleep alone in his room and possibly choke to death on his own vomit. 

“Shitting hell, you’re heavy-”

“Can’t all be as little as you, Lou…” Harry muttered, slurring his words as Louis guided him across the room and to the big double bed. “Love you being all little… love it when I can hold you up against a wall and fuck you.”

Louis blushed at Harry’s candor but shoved him backwards, watching him bounce on the mattress. Harry groaned, throwing an arm over his eyes as Louis yanked his boots off, throwing them to the floor behind him. 

“Shit, Louis, I’m gonna-”

Harry sat up suddenly, a hand clamped over his mouth as he stumbled towards the open door of the bathroom. Louis followed him, grimacing slightly at the sound of Harry being sick but still, he stepped inside, pulling Harry’s hair back as he continued to vomit into the toilet, grateful he’d actually made it there. Alcohol and drugs were never a good mix but apparently, Harry never seemed to learn. Louis stood there, holding back Harry’s hair and rubbing his back until his stomach was empty.

He grabbed his own toothbrush, squirting on a bit of toothpaste, watching as Harry brushed his teeth, sipping cold water from the tap. Together, they walked back into the bedroom and Harry stood there, looking a little pathetic as he always did when he’d had enough to make himself sick. Louis realised Harry was waiting for him to help him undress, and he did so, ignoring the familiar parts of Harry’s body as best he could. He’d never fucked Harry while he was drunk or high, and he wasn’t about to start now.

“Get in bed, I’m just gonna call the lads, make sure they got back safely.”

“You’re too good to me, Lou,” Harry murmured, on his side, clutching a pillow to his bare chest. Louis had stripped him to his boxers, knowing Harry got too hot when he’d had a few too many, and he looked much younger than his twenty three years as he laid there, trying to sleep.

“I know I am,” Louis replied quietly, sliding open the door to the small balcony. It was May, so the weather was warm enough but Louis still shivered as he leaned back against the wall, dialling Liam’s number. He knew it was much more likely he could get hold of Liam than he would Niall, whose phone was perpetually on silent. 

“Hey, Li, it’s me. Yeah, I got Haz back to my room, I’ll look after him tonight.” He paused, listening to Liam on the other end for a minute. “No, you know I don’t mind. He’ll be alright in the morning. You and Ni back here now? Good, cool, well I’ll see you tomorrow. Night, mate.”

Louis ended the call and turned, looking at the sight of Harry sound asleep in his bed. It was a frequent occurrence, the two of them sharing a bed, but Louis knew it didn't matter how many times this happened, Harry would never change his mind about not wanting a relationship with him or wanting to settle down. He sighed and quietly walked back into the room, making sure the room door was locked before he changed into a tank top for bed, laying down with his back to Harry. He laid there, staring up into the darkness for a while before sleep finally took over.

~*~

“Mmm, oh god…” Louis moaned as he shifted his hips, chasing the warmth that he could feel below the covers, something registering in the back of his mind as he did so. His eyes flew open and he looked down, blinking rapidly at the sight in front of him. Harry was on his knees between Louis’ legs, and Louis’ boxers were around his knees. Harry smirked, mouth stretched and full of Louis’ cock, and he went back to the task in hand, sucking and bobbing his head eagerly. “Fuck, Harry…”

Harry popped off, licking his lips. “If you want to.” 

“Shit… suck my cock, Haz, come on…”

Harry nodded and quickly went back to it. Louis loved being woken up with a blowjob, and if he was honest, the best blowjobs he’d ever had were from Harry. He had a silver tongue stud, and the way that felt against the sensitive head of Louis’ cock was like no other feeling. There was also something about looking at his full pink lips stretched around Louis’ shaft that just did it for him, and Harry was pretty talented with his tongue too. Louis reached down, curling his fingers in Harry’s hair, tugging slightly as he knew he liked. Louis felt his orgasm approaching already, and he made a split decision, knowing it would be one he would probably regret later on.

“Get a condom then, wanna fuck you.” 

Harry scrambled off the bed in a mess of long limbs and nudity, and Louis laid back on the bed, stroking his cock while he watched Harry retrieve a condom and some lube from Louis’ overnight bag. They’d done this dance too many times for Harry not to know where Louis kept things by now. Harry crawled back onto the bed and ripped open the condom, rolling it down Louis’ length before he straddled him, palms pressed against Louis’ bare chest.

“Oh fuck…”

“Wanna ride you, Lou…”

“Yeah, okay. Don’t you need me to…”

Harry shook his head, grabbing the lube and coating Louis’ cock with it, chucking the bottle back onto the bed next to their naked bodies. He rose up and grabbed Louis’ cock at the base, holding it steady while he shuffled forwards over it, hovering for a second before he lowered himself. Louis bit his lip as he watched his cock disappear into Harry’s body, Harry’s jaw dropped with the pain of the stretch. It felt so good to be inside Harry again, his body felt warm and tight around Louis’ cock, and Louis let his hands come up, resting on Harry’s long thighs.

“Oh Lou… fill me so good, love when you let me ride you…” Harry smiled, his dimple popping in his cheek as he sat down fully, Louis’ cock buried deep inside him. He moved his hips in small circles, and Louis concentrated on not coming too soon, wanting to make this last as long as possible. It wasn’t the fact they might not do it again, it was just that everytime he and Harry had sex felt like something to savour, to remember. It was always so good between them, and although Louis knew that he should put a stop to this, he couldn’t. He was the only man that had had Harry and he liked it that way.

“Fuck yourself, Haz… fuck yourself on my cock. Wanna watch you.”

Harry nodded, cheeks flushed now as he used his hands on Louis’ chest as leverage to start to lift himself up and down, his rim stretching around Louis’ length. Louis particularly loved morning sex with Harry, if he was honest. He was always harder than any other time of day, and Harry was always pliant and relaxed in the mornings, meaning sex was amazing. Louis reached up, touching the tattoos littering Harry’s upper body, pulling at his nipples, making Harry cry out. 

Harry started to pick up his pace now, body bouncing easily on Louis’ hips, his own hard cock dripping and hard in front of him. Louis was desperate for a taste and he reached out, swiping a finger over the slit, collecting some precome on the pad of his finger before he sucked it between his lips, making Harry moan again. 

Neither of them spoke as Harry continued to ride Louis’ cock as enthusiastically as he could, curls flying all over the place as he rocked back and forth. Louis’ hand was wrapped around Harry’s cock, stroking and stimulating him from both sides as Harry rode him to orgasm, both of them getting louder and sweatier as they moved together as one. 

“Haz, I’m gonna… fuck-”

He clenched his hands into fists as his orgasm hurtled towards him, Harry working himself up and down even faster and harder now, slamming his hips down each time. Louis cried out as Harry clenched around him on one rough downstroke, and he came hard into the condom, hands flying up to grab Harry’s hips, keeping him in place. He panted as he came down, and looked up at Harry, thinking how gorgeous he looked like this, sat on Louis’ cock, pleasuring himself.

“Come on me, want it all over me.”

Louis knew he sounded desperate but he didn't care. Comeplay was something they both enjoyed, and there probably wasn’t an inch of each other’s bodies they hadn’t come on at one point in their sexual history. Harry nodded and stayed impaled on Louis’ length as he stroked himself faster, muttering dirty words as he stared into Louis’ eyes. Louis knew when Harry was about to come, and he nodded, pushing Harry over the edge. He felt Harry’s come hit his torso and his chin, watching as Harry fell apart on top of him. 

Harry streaked his finger through a string of come and brought it up to Louis’ lips, watching with dark eyes as Louis licked it up eagerly, not caring what a mess he looked. They carried on like that, Louis feeding Harry come as well until Louis was clean and finally, Harry sat up, releasing Louis’ cock from his body. They both sighed as they collapsed on the bed next to each other, entirely spent and satisfied.

“Fuck, that was good. You’re filthy, you know that? Love tasting my come, don’t you?”

Louis turned his head to look at Harry, the pair smirking at each other. Louis watched as Harry’s tongue darted out to lick his lips, and he was overtaken with a need to kiss him, to feel those lips against him. But kissing wasn’t something that they did when they had sex. Louis wasn’t sure why, but they just never had, as if doing that would push into territory they weren’t ready for. Well, Louis was more than ready for it but Harry had made it plain he wasn’t.

He rolled onto his side, facing Harry for a moment. “Nice way to wake up, though.”

Harry nodded before he sat up, and Louis’ heart fell, realising what was happening. Harry stood up, unembarrassed at his nudity and collected his clothes from around the room, pulling his hair back into a messy bun. “That was good as always, Lou. I’ll leave you to it, though. And, um…”

He paused as he tugged his shirt over his head, cheeks reddening as he walked back to the bed to Louis.

“Thanks for taking care of me last night. I know I told you I’d stop, but…” He shrugged but leaned down, brushing his lips against Louis’ stubbly cheek. “See ya soon, yeah?”

Louis could only nod as he watched Harry head for the door, winking before he slipped out, no doubt ready to head home. Louis released a long, slow breath and yanked the duvet back up and over his head, closing him off from the world again. When was he ever going to learn to stay well away from Harry Styles? He wasn’t sure he was ever going to, or if he even wanted to. 


	2. Chapter 2

Louis glanced up at the clock, sighing when he saw the time. They’d finished their mini UK tour just a week ago now but already, they were back in the studio, ready to start laying down tracks for their third album. Louis found that the schedule could be a little relentless but he knew that they had to make the most of the momentum while they had it. It didn't take much in this industry for a band to go off the boil, and the fans to move onto the next big thing.

It was early on a Wednesday morning, and Louis was in one of the studios the band often came to when they needed to write. It was private, and they worked well together there, drinking copious amounts of caffeine until they had written something they were partway proud of. Louis hadn’t been amused when Liam had booked the studio for nine in the morning, sending him a rude string of emojis in reply to his reminder text, but now he was even more annoyed that it was nearly half nine and nobody else had turned up yet. Louis had drunk the tea he’d brought with him, and was doodling in a notebook, wasting time until the boys decided to arrive.

He flicked through some of the pages, at some of the things he’d written down long before Drunk Words, Sober Thoughts hit the big time and got relatively successful. Some of it was awful, words that made him cringe now he read them back, but still, they were snapshots of his life, and he couldn’t bring himself to get rid of them. In some ways, it felt like Louis had been part of Drunk Words, Sober Thoughts for so long, he couldn’t remember a time when they weren’t a band and the best of mates.

It had all started in their last year of high school, when Niall had encouraged Harry to start learning the guitar. Louis was already pretty musical, playing piano (thanks to his mum forcing him into lessons as a child) and the guitar, and Liam was a talented drummer, but it was the four of them together that was just something special. Harry picked up his new instrument quickly, and soon, they were spending hours after school in the music rooms, finding a sound that suited all of them.

Things happened quickly from there. Niall and Louis were a formidable song writing team, and soon came up with material that they all felt was good enough to send off to various management companies, hoping to be picked up by someone that saw their potential.. They all worked crappy weekend jobs to scrape together enough money to pay for a demo, which was then sent out to several Indie record labels that Niall had researched. They were luckily noticed by a small up and coming label, and from then on, their lives took a massive turn. 

They weren’t worldwide famous, not by any stretch. But they did have a dedicated fanbase, one who loved everything that they did, and followed them around the small venues in the UK they played to. Louis loved the buzz of being on stage, and soon enough, they were selling out tours in intimate venues, travelling up and down the country together, living in each others pockets. They were the best of friends, but there were times when they had some screaming matches too, swearing and throwing things at each other when the late nights got too much. But as always, they worked through it, deciding that the band was everything to them, too much to throw away.

It was Louis and Harry’s relationship that had been different, though. Louis had always had a crush on Harry, right from when they were spotty teenagers, and annoyingly, that never seemed to change. Harry always seemed indifferent to Louis’ obvious advances, but everything changed one night after Harry’s eighteenth birthday party. Everyone else left, Louis deciding to sleep over at Harry’s as usual, and they’d cleared up as best they could, aware they were back on the road the next day. Harry always did have an obsession with being clean and tidy.

Still, they’d not had too much to drink but when they’d gone to hug each other goodnight, Harry had kissed Louis. It was a mere peck at first, but Louis had thrown caution to the wind, deepening it immediately. They’d tumbled into bed and had their first times together sexually, and it had been perfect. Louis thought it was the start of everything he’d ever wanted but that wasn’t the case. Harry had carried on as if nothing had happened, as if he hadn’t been buried balls deep in Louis’ arse the night before, and they didn't mention it for a long time. It killed Louis, but having Harry in his life was more important than throwing their friendship away over sex.

They’d then started up a sexual relationship a few months after that, and five years later, it was still going on. Louis knew that to Harry, it was no strings attached sex and while he enjoyed their times between the sheets, it never failed to hurt when Harry left him behind once they’d both come, heading off to whatever destination he was meant to be at. Louis was also very aware that their bandmates knew nothing of the fact he and Harry had regular sex, and he was keen to keep it that way. He didn't want to ruin the band dynamics, and he knew Harry didn't either.

In fact, a more pressing issue for Louis was Harry’s involvement with alcohol and drugs. They’d always drunk together when they’d rehearsed in Liam’s parents garage or in the rehearsal studios before tours, but they’d always known when they’d had enough. Harry, though, soon struggled to see his limits, and when pills became involved, it concerned Louis enough to pull Harry up on it. He’d shrugged it off, telling Louis he was enjoying the perks of fame, but that didn't stop Louis caring too much, often dragging a drunk or high Harry home in the small hours of the morning, hoping he wouldn’t pass out before he’d gotten him to bed.

Louis knew the band meant as much to Harry as it did to him, but sometimes, he wished Harry would take life a bit more seriously. Like now, for instance. They had precious little studio time at the moment, and it seemed all of the boys were wasting the time they had. Louis stood up, grabbing his phone from the side, about to call Liam when the door burst open, and three familiar faces tumbled in, looking sleep rumpled.

“Shit, sorry Tommo, you been here long?”

“Since the time we arranged to meet,” Louis replied, face lighting up when he saw the person tucked away behind Liam. “Zayn, so good to see you, mate!”

He ran over to Zayn and wrapped him up in a hug, always feeling at home in Zayn’s embrace. Zayn wasn’t a member of the band, but he’d tagged along to enough rehearsals and writing sessions that he felt like an honorary member sometimes. He was also Louis’ confidante, and he knew Louis was sleeping with someone who he had feelings for, just not the identity of the mystery man. Louis had always felt a special bond with Zayn, and he was always grateful for his friendship.

“Hey Lou, how you been?” 

“Good, better for seeing you. You gonna help us write today then? Always need your brooding and melancholy lyrics to help us along.” 

Zayn grinned and nodded, finally releasing Louis from their embrace. Niall and Liam had rid themselves of their jackets, and Niall was holding his acoustic guitar, his ‘baby’ as he called it, that he’d written all of their songs on. It felt like a lucky charm of sorts. Louis watched as Liam sat down next to him, pulling out his usual folders from his battered looking bag, containing all of the things they’d come up with to date.

“Where’s Haz?”

Niall shrugged. “No idea. Your guess is a good as mine, you not heard from him, Tommo?”

Louis was aware of all eyes on him, and in some ways, it felt like the boys knew about the two of them when he got asked questions like this. He knew it was because his and Harry’s relationship was closer than the others but still, he hated hiding things from his best friends. He knew if it ever came out, there would be serious repercussions, not only for his and Harry’s friendship but for the band as a whole.

“Nah, not yet. I’ll text him though, see where he’s at.” He grabbed his phone and tapped out a quick message, smiling as Zayn came and sat next to him. “So what’s been up with you, Zaynie?” He peered over, looking at Zayn’s forearm. “Is that new ink?”

“Yeah, you like it?”

“I do. You’ll have to sort me out with something again soon, I’m getting the urge for it again.”

“Sure, just let me know. You want me to draw you something?”

“Of course. I’m the one with the words, Z, not the pictures.” They both laughed at that, and Louis leaned against Zayn, resting his head on his shoulder. “Seriously. I’ve missed you man.”

“Me too, Lou. You know where I am though.”

“Yep. Oi lads, you ready to start putting something together?”

Liam frowned, looking up from his work. “Shouldn’t we wait for Haz?”

Louis shook his head, hoping to quickly move on from that subject. “Nah, he can catch up.” 

“Getting a bit fucking sick of him ditching us like this, to be honest. I don’t know where his head is at the moment.” 

Louis bit his lip as he watched Niall rant, understanding his frustration but at the same time, he couldn’t stop himself jumping in to defend Harry.

“He’s probably just running late, he’ll be here, lads. You know this band is everything to him.”

Niall shook his head, plucking at the strings of his guitar for a moment. “I used to think that, Tommo, not so much anymore.”

Louis swallowed and nuzzled into Zayn, whose arm was now around his shoulders, pulling him closer. He went easily, letting his body relax against the familiar man. “Come on, be fair. You know Hazza loves this band, and us. Give him a bit, okay? If he doesn’t turn up, I’ll pop round his, see what he’s up to.”

Liam sighed and threw his pen into the air several times, catching it and sighing as he did so. “Fine. Let’s get on with it then.”

They’d been sat for an hour when Louis heard a bang down the corridor and he stilled, eyes flitting around the room to see if anyone else had noticed. They hadn’t, and Louis got to his feet, stretching out his back, hoping he didn't look too obvious. 

“Just gonna go for a piss, back in a few.”

The other guys pretty much ignored him as Louis slipped from the room, shutting the door behind him. He rounded the corner, and there he was, sat slumped against the wall, head on his arms. Louis sighed deeply and walked over, crouching in front of Harry, hands on his knees.

“Hey, everything okay?”

“No. My fucking head is spinning and I can’t see straight. I, uh, I went out last night and I took something… I don’t feel so good, Lou.”

“Then you shouldn’t be here. What have I told you about taking stuff from strangers, Haz? You have to be more careful, people can give you anything. Do you want a ride home?”

“No. Let me come in, the guys will probably be so pissed at me.”

“Well, they aren’t happy, no. They think you’re not putting the band first, Harry. And to be honest, at the moment, they’re right. You know I’ll stick up for you until the end, and I do, but it’s hard sometimes, when you’re not giving us anything back.”

Harry looked up then, and Louis was stunned by his blood shot eyes, how red they were, and how pale Harry looked. He never had a tan like Louis did, but even so, he looked a sickly shade of pale, rather than his usual ‘haven’t-seen-the-sun-in-too-long’ pale, and it concerned Louis. He reached out and brushed a lock of greasy hair out of Harry’s eyes, wishing there was more he could do. Harry shut his eyes and rested his head back against the wall, and Louis didn't miss the tremble in his hands as he pushed his hair back.

“Fine. But I’m taking you home afterwards, okay? You don’t look right, Haz. Up you get, come on.”

Louis stood and held out his hands, bracing himself when Harry grasped his hands tightly, hauling himself to his feet. He stumbled for a moment, and Louis’ arms shot out, steadying him around his waist.

“Thank you, Lou. I’m sorry.”

“S’ok. Let’s get in there before the boys think I’ve fallen down the loo or something.” 

Harry chuckled at that, and allowed Louis to lead him down the corridor and into the room. Louis spotted Niall’s eye roll as Harry walked in behind, shuffling over to the sofa, ignoring the other boys for a minute. Louis knew it was embarrassment, shame even, but still, it wasn’t doing Harry any favours with the other boys.

“Drag yourself out of bed, did ya?” Liam joked, and Harry forced a smile, shrugging lightly. Louis went back to where he was sat before, and laughed when Zayn pulled him down onto his lap, tickling his sides. It was how they’d always been, tactile with each other, but Louis could sense Harry’s dark eyes on him, not liking what he saw. Still, Louis allowed himself to go pliant in Zayn’s hold, wriggling his bum for a moment until he was comfortable.

Liam spoke up, breaking the tension for a moment, which Louis was grateful for. “Here Haz, here’s what we’ve come up with so far. Add in anything you want, if you’ve got any ideas.” 

Harry took the notebook Liam was offering and read the lyrics and music notes that had been scribbled down, nodding along. He reached for a pen and scribbled out a few things, adding ideas of his own as he went along. Louis was captivated, as he always was when Harry worked. His arms were bare, showing off the huge amount of tattoos on his skin, and Louis admired the way his tank top hung from his frame. His ear piercings caught the light, and Louis smirked to himself at the fact he knew how Harry’s tongue stud felt on his most private places. It was his favourite of Harry’s piercings, without a doubt. 

The rest of the session went quickly. Zayn and Liam left after a while to take a ride to the nearest Costa, returning half an hour later with a tray of drinks. Harry took his eagerly and downed it, and Louis realised with a pang that Harry probably hadn’t had anything to eat or drink that morning. He’d never been great at taking care of himself, which is why Louis always felt it was his job, not that it was a job he didn't love to have.

By the time their studio time was done, they’d written three songs between them, and Niall had caught onto a few new melodies that they were all excited about. Zayn had helped with the harmonies, and had spent a lot of time cuddling Louis on the sofa, both of them ignoring the glares Harry was sending across the room. They packed up their instruments and notebooks, and left together, all ready to head their separate ways.

“You’re not driving in this state, get in my car.”

Much to Louis’ surprise, Harry didn't disagree. He pulled his sunglasses down from on top of his head and pushed them in front of his eyes, raising a hand to say goodbye to the other lads as he sloped over to Louis’ Range Rover. Louis pressed the key fob to unlock it, and stood with his arms folded as Harry got in, waiting for him.

“I’ll take him home, sober him up a bit.”

Liam nodded and Niall just shook his head, a flash of something Louis couldn’t identify passing over his features. Liam hugged Louis briefly and headed to his car, throwing his rucksack in the boot.

“Just… look after him, yeah? Try and find out what’s going on that head of his.” Niall grasped Louis’ shoulder before he too left, just Louis and Zayn left behind now.

“You want me to come back with you?” Zayn’s face was full of concern, and Louis appreciated the gesture, even though he knew he’d be fine. It wasn’t like Harry was a violent man or anything, even when he’d had a few, and Louis never felt unsafe around him. “I don’t mean-”

“No, it’s fine, honestly. I can handle Harry. I promise. Take care, yeah? We’ll have to go out for a dinner sometime, or you can just crash at mine, I’ll order in something.”

“Yeah, that’d be good. Missed seeing you around, Tommo.”

They hugged briefly before Louis pulled away, heading over to his car and getting behind the wheel. He looked at Harry’s badly parked car in the corner of the car park, grateful he’d let him drive him away without too much fuss. Louis started the engine, and the car filled with Radio 1 that he’d been listening to on the way in. They were playing a song that wasn’t really Louis’ cup of tea, but he felt listening to that was better than the silence that would inevitably sit between himself and Harry.

Once he’d arrived at Harry’s home, he swung into the driveway, parking where Harry’s Audi Q7 usually sat. Together, they walked up the drive and Harry let them in. His house was dark, all the curtains were shut, and it smelt like he hadn’t opened the windows in too long. Harry kicked off his boots, leaving them to the side in the hallway as Louis walked through to the kitchen, filling the kettle and getting a couple of mugs ready to make tea.

“You want anything to eat?” He called, but there was no reply. With a frown, he abandoned the cups on the side and walked through to the living room, stopping in the doorway when he saw Harry, sound asleep on the sofa. He smiled softly to himself and walked over, making no noise in his socks, and picked up a cashmere blanket from the back of the sofa, draping it over Harry’s body, making sure he was warm.

Louis decided he might as well hang around for a while, so he finished making the tea, settling on the sofa with his phone in hand, browsing through Twitter and Instagram for a bit. He’d been tagged in the usual photos, some manips of him and Harry that a few hardcore fans had made, assuming there were secret relationships within the band. Little did they know how right they were. Louis got cosy, using one of Harry’s hoodies to keep his lap warm, and before he knew it, he was dozing alongside Harry, the pair of them lost to their dreams.

~*~

“Lou… Louis, wakey wakey. Oi.” 

Louis stirred as his shoulders were shaken and he looked up, blinking blearily into the semi-darkness of the room. His vision cleared and he looked up into Harry’s green eyes, grateful that he looked a lot more human than he did earlier. He sat up, wincing at the pain in his back from having slept sat up in Harry’s armchair, and stretched out, pointing his toes and reaching up with his fingers to the ceiling.

“Sorry, didn't mean to fall asleep…”

“S’ok. You can crash here anytime, you know that. I’ve, uh, I’ve ordered some pizzas for dinner, can’t be fucked to cook. You’re welcome to stay… if you want to?”

Harry suddenly looked unsure, so Louis nodded, pulling Harry down on top of him and into a hug. They held each close for a minute before Harry stood up, cheeks slightly pink at the close contact with Louis. 

“Just… thank you, Lou,” Harry mumbled before he took off, sliding his socked feet along the wooden floorboards of the hallway. Louis let him escape, and watched as Harry disappeared back to the kitchen, probably to get some plates ready for their dinner. If it was up to Louis, he’d just eat out of the box, but there you go. 

The doorbell went and Harry came jogging through, a smile on his face and two bottles of beer in his hand. Louis grabbed them as Harry headed to the door, and sat back with a smile on his face, pleased that at least tonight, Harry wouldn’t be getting too drunk or high, and that he was able to keep an eye on him again. It meant one more day of Harry being sober, and that was all that mattered to Louis. One way or another, he’d get him through.

Harry bumbled back through, setting the two pizza boxes on the table with a flourish, shifting his phone out of the way as he did so. Louis opened them, steam rising into the room, and he smiled when Harry settled down next to him, long thigh pressed against Louis’.

“Eat up, love.” Louis nodded and reached for a slice, meeting Harry’s eyes for a moment. “Thank you, Lou.”

“Anytime, Haz,” Louis said as he took a mouthful of pepperoni pizza. “Anytime. You know that.”

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

After pizza night, things had taken a turn between Louis and Harry. It felt like Louis was finally getting through to him, and much to his delight, Harry seemed to lay off the drink and drugs for a while, choosing to spend more nights in round Louis’ place, or hanging out with Liam and Niall, jamming and rehearsing some of their new songs. They had to present their new tracks to the label soon, and the pressure was on to make it a good album. Louis was definitely feeling the crushing weight of it needing to be worthy of their approval, and he knew Liam was aware of his fears too.

Liam had always been the Papa bear of the band, taking care of everyone. He wasn’t quite as pierced or tattooed as Harry and Louis were, but they loved him regardless. He embraced everything about the punk music that they all loved to play and write, and he was the one who kept a sane head when they were negotiating with their label, telling them they weren’t changing their appearances or musical direction, that they wanted to be taken as they were, and that was that. Louis had never been particularly close to Liam, but they had a mutual respect for each other, and that always shone through above everything else.

He knew Liam struggled with Harry’s issues, and he wished he didn't have to tell Liam exactly how bad it got with Harry at times. He hid as much as he could from him, and Niall too, but there were some things that were impossible to hide, and Harry turning up high or drunk to rehearsals was one of those things. Louis had promised Liam he’d sort it, though, and sort it he had.

Harry had dutifully turned up on time to the other writing sessions and rehearsals that they’d booked, and it changed the dynamic of the room when he walked in clean, sober, and with a smile on his face. Louis was ridiculously proud of him, and made sure to tell him at every opportunity. All the boys commented on what a good place Harry seemed to be in, and they’d even gone round Zayn’s one night for Chinese, everyone enjoying a couple of beers and relaxing more than they had done in months. It had been nice, and Louis had been hopeful that things were finally back on track for them all.

Harry had text Louis early that morning, seeing if he wanted to accompany him to the gym for an early workout, and Louis hadn’t been able to refuse. He wasn’t a morning person, but the possibility of seeing a sweaty Harry was too much to resist. Now, Louis stepped off the treadmill and watched as Harry kept on running next to him. He was topless, and sweat was dripping down his back, and Louis couldn’t deny it was affecting him. Louis sat down on a nearby bench, grabbing his bottle of water and downing half of it. He wiped off his mouth with the back of his hand, and smirked up when Harry turned to look at him.

“Are you staring, Lou?”

“No,” Louis scoffed, shaking his head, although he knew there was no point in denying it. He’d been flat out caught by Harry, and he pushed his sweaty bleached blonde locks away from his forehead. He fiddled with his lip piercing again, and allowed his eyes to run up and down the curves of Harry’s body. He appreciated that his bandmate kept himself fit, and he watched Harry stop the treadmill, slowing down before he stepped off.

“I’m going to take a shower. I know we’ve got to meet the lads in a while and I don’t wanna turn up a sweaty fucking mess.”

“Fine, I’ll just stretch out and then I’ll be there.” 

Harry nodded and grabbed a towel, pressing it to the back of his neck as he walked off. Louis sighed for a moment, staring out of the window, pleased it was early enough that there were barely any other patrons in the gym. After a few moments, he stood up on shaky legs and walked towards the changing rooms, nodding at a couple of the gym staff he knew well enough from his previous visits. Louis knew he was never going to have massive arms or a six pack, but keeping fit was important to him.

He stepped into the changing room, hearing the running water of the shower pound down on the tiled floor. Without thinking, he locked the door of the room behind him and pulled his t-shirt off, throwing it down on the bench next to Harry’s gym bag before he grabbed a towel from the pile to the side. Slowly, he kicked off the rest of his clothes and shoes and walked towards the showers, entirely naked. This wasn’t something he’d usually do, but his want for his best friend and lover was at fever pitch at the moment, and he needed Harry. He was fairly certain Harry wouldn’t refuse, not after how things had been between them lately.

He reached out, and placed a hand on Harry’s wet back, between his shoulder blades, chuckling when the naked man in front of him visibly jumped.

“Shit, Louis-” Harry whirled around, rivulets of water dripping down his face as he schooled his expression, grinning at his bandmate. Louis focused on keeping his eyes up, but when Harry reached and grabbed his wrist, he went easily, bare bodies bumping together. “You wanna?”

“Fuck yes,” Louis purred, and slowly reached down, taking Harry’s semi in his hand, stroking gently under the spray of the water. He longed to push himself up onto his tiptoes, to kiss Harry, but he knew that was a boundary that he couldn’t cross. Not yet, anyway. He gasped as Harry’s fingers encircled his own cock and started to stroke him a bit faster, both of their cocks quickly filling, leaving them both hard and wanting. “What do you want, Haz?”

“Wanna fuck you, Lou,” Harry murmured, trailing his fingers around and running them up and down between Louis’ cheeks, suddenly pulling away, making Louis whine. “If I’m gonna fuck you, I need a condom. Wait there, okay?” 

Louis nodded and Harry disappeared for a minute, returning with a small foil square which he set on the shelf behind them. Harry turned Louis around and pressed him up against the wall, falling to his knees behind him. Louis whimpered as Harry’s hands grabbed his cheeks, pulling them apart before releasing them, repeating that several times. He cried out, slamming a flat hand on the wall as Harry leaned in, licking over his hole. 

Rimming Louis was one of Harry’s favourite things to do, and Louis could remember a good few times when he’d been bent over a dressing room table before a show, Harry’s face buried between his cheeks, licking him to orgasm. He returned the favour, of course, but Harry often told Louis he loved going on stage knowing he’d made Louis come and scream his name, Louis’ voice raspier than usual if Harry had made him scream particularly loudly. It was something they both enjoyed, and Louis allowed his eyes to close, fingertips scrabbling over the wet tiles as Harry licked at him, opening him up with his tongue.

It wasn’t long before Louis felt Harry get to his feet, and heard the tearing of the foil packet, watching the now empty thing fall to the floor. He turned and looked down at Harry’s condom covered cock, sighing as he realised that was going inside him, yet again. No matter how many times he told himself this wouldn’t happen again, it always did, and he knew he’d never refuse Harry anything, despite his own heart breaking a little more each and every time this happened.

“Harry, come on, I need you-”

“Alright, I’ve got you, Lou.” One of Harry’s hands came to rest on Louis’ waist, the water still running down between their bodies as Harry slowly pushed inside Louis’ body, both of them moaning lowly. Their voices echoed around the empty room, and Louis liked that addition to the sex that they had. Harry was always very vocal when he was fucking Louis, but this just made it even better. “Shit, Louis, you’re so fucking tight. Been a while, huh?”

“Yeah… not since you last fucked- ah!” He cried out and pressed his hands harder against the wall again as Harry bottomed out, both intimately connected. Louis’ cock was pushed against the cool wall in front of him but he didn't care. All he focused on was the feeling of Harry stretching him, his skin pressed against Louis’. It was everything, and Louis lost himself in it for a few moments.

“Saving yourself for me, hmm? You know no-one can fuck you better than I can-” He gripped Louis’ hair for a moment, forcing him to look at him. “Save this pretty fucking amazing arse for me, don’t you?”

“Yeah, just for you,” Louis panted out, knowing how true the words were, even though Harry was only making him say them in the haze of passionate sex they were having. The sound of skin slapping skin filled the room as Harry widened his stance for a moment, giving him better leverage to fuck up into Louis’ waiting body. It burned when Harry was pushing his length into him, but Louis didn't care. It was better to feel that than nothing at all.

“Yeah, take it so good, Lou, take my big cock inside you-” Harry was clearly turned on as he allowed dirty words to tumble from his lips, and Louis was loving every second of it. He shut his eyes and just stood as still as he could, letting Harry use his body. It didn't take long until the familiar bubble of orgasm began in his belly, and Louis reached down, stroking at his cock in time with Harry’s thrusts.

“Shit, make me come, Haz… please, make me come.”

“Yeah, want you to scream my name, baby-” 

Louis shuddered at the pet name, knowing it didn't mean to Harry what it did to him, but that didn't matter, not when Harry was fucking him like this, neither of them caring they could be caught at any time. The fact no one else knew they had sex didn't matter, all that mattered was the here and now.

“Harry… fuck- fuck me harder-”

Harry did, and Louis was begging for it now, crying and fisting his own cock harder and faster, letting Harry split him open over and over. It wasn’t long until Louis was coming hard, splattering come against the wall of the shower, muscles clenching around Harry’s cock. Harry firmly grabbed Louis’ hips and pressed his forehead between Louis’ shoulder blades as he aimed his cock at a different angle, still assaulting Louis’ prostate as he chased his own orgasm.

“Fuck, Louis- shit, so good, FUCK!” He came hard into the condom, gripping Louis’ hips hard enough to leave bruises later on. Harry’s body shook as he collapsed against Louis, pushing him against the wall again. “Oh my god-”

Louis chuckled softly, shaking his head, pressing his cheek against the cool tiles. “Yeah. Didn't expect that this morning.”

Harry peeled his body away from Louis’, sliding his now soft cock from Louis’ body and he removed the condom quickly, tying it off and leaving it on the floor by their feet. Louis slowly turned around, staring up into Harry’s eyes. They shared a small smile for a moment, and Louis was sure his heart skipped a beat, as if something had changed between them. He bit his lip, wondering whether to talk to Harry again about the possibility of them becoming something more, but before he could, Harry flicked on the next shower, stepping away.

He washed himself while Louis used Harry’s shampoo, silence hanging heavily between them now. When they were clean, he flicked off his shower and reached for his towel, wrapping it quickly around his waist, stepping away from the showers, leaving Harry behind. 

“We’re okay, aren’t we?” 

Louis swallowed at the sound of Harry’s question and nodded, not trusting himself to speak just yet. He dried his body before he rummaged in his bag for some boxers, pulling them on before he turned to face Harry again. He felt more confident when he wasn’t naked around him.

“Course we are. Wanna go for lunch before we meet the boys?”

“I’d love that,” Harry said with a grin, standing there drying his hair with a towel, naked as the day he was born. Louis gave him a tight smile and continued getting dressed, stealing Harry’s deodorant from his bag when he realised he’d forgotten his own. They started to chat quietly as they dressed, and Louis unlocked the door, grateful when he cracked it open and saw no one outside waiting to come in. 

“I’ll wait at the car, okay? See you in a minute.” Louis hauled his rucksack over his shoulder, and disappeared out of the door, leaving Harry behind, willing himself not to cry.

~*~

“Guys, I hate to cut it short but I need to get going, is that alright?”

Everyone looked up at Harry, and Louis paused, waiting to see how the other guys would react until he said anything. Liam grinned, and threw his drumsticks into the air, catching them too easily for Louis’ liking. Louis knew if he tried that, he’d end up poking his own eye out.

“Yeah, sure. We did good today, well done everyone.”

“Yeah, I really like that new one, s’got a good sound to it,” Niall mused, pulling the amp lead out of his guitar. “Good job, lads. Anyone up for getting a pint?”

Louis shook his head, wanting to get home. He didn't dare ask Harry where he was going now, he wasn’t actually sure he wanted to know. Despite the fact they’d had sex earlier that morning, things had been the same as always between them at rehearsal. They’d bantered easily, Harry had teased Louis but had been on task, playing his instrument well, and Louis felt proud he was truly getting his act together.

“Yeah, I will, Ni,” called Liam, and Louis headed over to his guitar case, laying his precious instrument inside, chucking his plecs in afterwards. The guitar was actually one Harry had bought him for his twenty first birthday, and despite the fact Louis could now afford to upgrade, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He liked playing an instrument Harry had given him, and to him, it meant a lot.

“I’m heading out, lads. Same time tomorrow?”

“Yeah, sounds good, Lou,” Harry replied with a soft smile, his guitar case over his shoulder now. “You need a lift anywhere?”

“Nah, I’m good, car’s just down the road. See you later, yeah?”

Harry surprised Louis then by stepping over and wrapping his arms around him, pulling him into a quick hug. They smiled quickly once Harry pulled away, and he left, heading across the car park to his car. Louis stood and gathered his thoughts for a moment before he headed off too,  waving when Harry drove past him, tooting his horn. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialled a familiar contact, grinning when a voice came down the line.

“Yo, Z. wanna come round? Dinner’s on me!”

~*~

“Shit, I feel sick,” Zayn moaned, rubbing his swollen belly. They’d managed to eat two large pizzas between them, and now they were beginning to regret it. Some comedy show was playing in the background on the TV in Louis’ sitting room, and he had a candle burning in the windowsill that Harry had left around his at some point. Louis had hoped he wouldn’t take it when he realised it was missing, but it had been weeks now and it seemed the candle was luckily there to stay.

“Well, don’t throw up on my rug,” Louis whined, feeling a bit nauseous himself. “Seriously, if you want to crash here tonight, you can.”

“Think I might take you up on that. Don’t trust myself not to throw up in the car.”

Louis chuckled and winced when he rolled over, reaching for his can of coke he’d set on the side. He sipped at it slowly, hoping the bubbles would settle his tummy a bit. He managed to pull himself to a sitting position and flicked through the TV, settling on a repeat of the Graham Norton Show for a while.

“You reckon me and the boys will ever make it to something like this?”

“Yeah, I don’t see why not. You’re on your third album, Lou, things are going well.”

Louis grinned and nodded, proud of how far the band had come since their early days of rehearsing in the music room at high school, and annoying their parents with requests for lifts all over town to play any pubs that would have them. While they weren’t quite at the dizzying heights of fame they wanted to be at, Louis was pretty happy with how things were going.

“Need a piss, back in a tick.”

Louis nodded as Zayn got his feet and stumbled towards the little downstairs loo. He looked around his home, at the family pictures that littered his walls, and one of the band outside the record label with their first contract. It had been a magical moment, and one Louis knew he’d never forget. He got up and walked over, smiling at the photo as he lifted it up in its frame. They all looked so young, so innocent, and Louis almost laughed at the lack of tattoos he and Harry had.

Tattoos was something that came very quickly to the pair of them. They’d got their first ones as a result of losing a drunken bet to Niall days after Harry had finally turned eighteen, and they’d got hooked on it. Harry in particular loved getting inked whenever he could, and now sported two very colourful sleeves, as well as several down his thighs that only Louis knew about there. There was also one running down his spine that Louis was particularly keen on running his tongue down whenever he took Harry from behind, but that was by the by.

Zayn came back into the room, looping an arm around Louis’ waist as they stared at the picture. “Feels like years ago, huh?”

“Yeah, it really does. We were just kids, Z. We had no idea what we were getting into.” He paused, eyes flitting up to his best friend. “Wouldn’t change a thing, though.”

“I know. You guys deserve all the success, you really do. And from what I’ve heard of the new songs, you’ll be around for a long time yet. Some of your best material, I swear.”

“Well, you better hope we hit the big time cos you co-wrote at least half of those. Good few royalties for you!”

Zayn laughed and ruffled Louis’ hair, stepping away back over to the sofa. “You know I’m not in it for the cash. Anything I make only goes back into the business anyway.”

“I know. Speaking of, can you book me in soon? Don’t know what I want, but I want something. I was thinking maybe on my ribs this time, be different? Mum made me promise not to do anything more on my neck, and I swear to God she’d kill me if I inked my face. She already hates my piercings.”

“You’re her little boy, Lou. She’s not meant to like that shit.” Zayn loaded up Netflix on the T.V. and yanked a blanket from where he’d thrown it onto the arm, pulling it over his lap. “Come on, let’s watch some disturbing shit on here and have a cuddle.”

Louis grinned and came over, tucking his legs under himself as he buried into Zayn’s side, resting his head on his shoulder. He always appreciated how Zayn liked being so close with him, and didn't mind when Louis draped himself all over him, even when it was a little bit too warm to do so.

“Netflix and chill, indeed,” Louis murmured, as the opening titles of their chosen movie started on the TV, the music blaring out of Louis’ sound system, and filling the room.

~*~

Louis stirred as he heard a bang, blearily blinking and trying to sit up as a low, angry voice filled his bedroom. 

“What the actual fuck is going on here, Louis?”

“Harry… what are you doing here?”

“What am I- seriously? No, what are you doing in bed with fucking Zayn?”

Louis looked over and saw Zayn, who somehow was sleeping through the racket Harry was making in his bedroom. Louis reached out and fumbled for his phone on his bedside table, groaning when he saw it was nearly ten in the morning. He was supposed to have been at the studio with Harry over half an hour ago, and he assumed his friend had come to chase him up. Instead, he’d found a perfectly innocent situation and jumped to a very wrong conclusion.

“We had pizza and beer, watched a movie and he stayed over… I don’t see the problem?”

“You fucked Zayn, that’s the problem!” Harry was yelling now, and Louis cringed as Zayn stirred, rubbing at his eyes before he sat up, the sheet falling down and baring his tattooed torso. “I want fucking answers!”

“I fucked- what, no! No way, me and Zayn are mates. He just slept up here 'cause we were watching something before we fell asleep. No big deal Haz, you and I share-”

“No, it’s not the fucking same and you know it,” Harry growled, turning and punching the door next to him. Louis stood up, not caring he was in his boxers, although he was grateful his morning wood was going down thanks to the anger pulsing through his veins. “We need to talk-”

“Louis, I’m gonna go. Call me, okay?” Zayn was gathering his clothes as he spoke, and Louis nodded, feeling horribly guilty that Zayn was being forced out through no fault of his own. “See ya later, Haz.”

“Fuck off,” Harry spat out, rage encompassing his features again. Louis grabbed a top and pulled it on, laughing ironically when he realised it was one of Harry’s old t-shirts that he’d left last time he stayed. “So?”

“So what? You have no right to barge in my bedroom and demand answers from me, Harry. None at all.”

“Yes, I fucking do.”

“How’s that then? Because you’re not my fucking boyfriend, you’ve made that quite clear before. You don’t want me in that way, but nobody else can have me either, is that it?”

Harry fish mouthed for a moment before he turned on his heel and stormed out of the room, leaving a shocked Louis in his wake. It was bad enough he’d come in and all but thrown Zayn out, but now he’d turned his back on Louis when they were finally about to discuss the elephant in the room they’d been ignoring for too long.

Louis decided he wasn’t having it, and stormed after him, still ignoring the fact he was half dressed as he ran down the stairs as quickly as he could, determined to find Harry before he could flee. He could hear noises in the kitchen and walked in to see Harry stood at the counter, a bottle of vodka in his hand, the cap on the worktop in front of him. Harry took a long swig, wincing as the alcohol burned down his throat. Louis hated that he was drinking at this time of day, but ignored it, knowing that wasn’t the thing that needing discussing right now.

“Are we going to talk about this or what?”

Harry swallowed another mouthful of vodka, slamming the bottle down on the side. The noise made Louis jump, and he took a step forward, resting his palm on the worktop.

“Talk about what, Louis? The fact you fucked Zayn in your bed, or what?”

“I told you, nothing happened. Zayn’s my best mate, I-”

“So am I, but you don’t say no when I fuck you!”

“It’s different,” Louis began, trying to keep his tone even and steady. He knew getting angry and shouting back wasn’t going to get him anywhere, especially when Harry was in this mood. “You and I are totally different to me and him and you know it. I’ve never so much as kissed Zayn, and I don’t want to.”

“Right. So why the fuck was he in your bed, Louis? I go to your bed because we fuck in there.  What’s his excuse?”

“He’s my mate, and we were tired. That’s all there was to it. I don’t know… I don’t get it, Harry. What do you want from me?”

Harry looked up from where his gaze had dipped to the floor and he scoffed, shaking his head, taking another swig of alcohol. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“You’re jealous. So do you want something more from me?”

Harry went deathly pale and Louis paused, wondering if he’d gone too far.

“What could I possibly want from  _ you _ ,Louis?”

Louis’ blood ran cold at Harry’s tone but he forced himself to hold his gaze.

“Me, Haz. Me and you. Us. A relationship.”

Harry sighed, running his fingers through his hair. He took yet another gulp of vodka and Louis had had enough. He walked over, snatching the bottle away, replacing the cap before he left the bottle on the side. Harry just glared at him the whole time, and Louis clenched his jaw, not liking the atmosphere that had settled in the room.

“Will you please say something, just be honest with me, for fucks sakes.”

“You know I don’t want that, Louis. I don’t want to settle down, or be tied to one person. That’s not… it’s not me, okay?”

“No, not okay. I don’t get what you want. Am I just a person to fuck when you’ve got no one else then?”

“Shit, no, you know that-”

“But I don’t, Haz. That’s the problem. I don’t know what I am to you, and it’s fucking confusing. You  _ know  _ how I feel, what I want. It doesn’t help when you come barging in here like some jealous boyfriend, acting like I’ve cheated on you or something.”

“I-” Harry stopped, biting his lip for a moment. “I can’t be what you want, Louis. You know that, and I’ve never pretended otherwise.”

Louis blinked and looked down at the floor, focusing on a small tomato sauce stain he’d meant to clear up days ago. In a way, this was exactly what he was expecting. He knew Harry didn't want him like that, but to hear it actually being said to him hurt. He couldn’t pretend it wasn’t heartbreaking, and he was sure the pain was etched on his face, clear for Harry to see.

“Get out, Harry.”

“Louis, no, I-”

“Just get out. You don’t get to do this, to treat me like this. Not anymore. I can’t keep doing this.”

Harry took a step towards Louis but Louis moved back, not wanting any contact with Harry. He was sure he would break, or worse, give in. 

“Louis, I’m sorry.”

“You’re not, though. Just go, Harry, leave me alone. I need some space.”

Instead of speaking, Harry just nodded and went to touch Louis’ arm before he thought twice, snatching his hand back. Their eyes met for a second and it was Louis who broke the stare first, eyes flitting down to his bare feet. He could only watch as Harry zipped up his hoodie and walked out of the room, the front door closing quietly behind him. 

It was only when he was sure he was entirely alone that Louis allowed himself to cry. Damn Harry Styles. Louis wished Harry didn't have the hold over him that he had, but he was damned if he knew how to change it now.


	4. Chapter 4

Louis switched off the engine of his car, looking out into the drizzle that somehow seemed to match his mood. Since the fight he and Harry had had yesterday, he’d not seen or spoken to anyone, and he was feeling more than angry now for Harry making him feel like this. As much as he knew they needed to rehearse for a small upcoming tour that the record label had organised for them, the last place he wanted to be was stuck in a small space with Harry Styles. He just had a feeling it wasn’t going to end well.

Reluctantly, he opened the car door and stepped into the warm rain, not even bothering to cover his bleached locks. He knew the roots were starting to grow in again and he’d have to get his hairdresser to come round and sort him out, but it wasn’t at the top of his priority list, not by a long shot. He walked slowly towards the familiar building, letting the rain soak into his t-shirt, cursing when he realised he’d left his instrument in the car.

He backtracked and fetched it, finally pushing into the building looking more than a little damp. He could hear music filtering down the corridor and steeled himself, pushing back his shoulders as he barged into the room, the door slamming open against the doorstop.

The music stopped and Louis felt guilty at making such a big entrance. He shrugged and Niall laughed, sticking up his middle finger as Louis walked in and set his guitar case down on the table over to the side. 

“What’s up, Tommo? You didn't come with Haz, then?”

“Nope,” Louis said curtly, cutting Niall off in his tracks. The door opened and Louis looked up, somewhat dreading seeing who it was. Luckily, it was just Zayn, and he headed straight for Louis, giving him a quick hug. “You alright, Z?

“I’m good, how about you?” His voice was laced with intent, and Louis wasn’t ready to talk about it, not yet.

“Not now. Can we just… focus on this please? I can’t think about that right now.”

Zayn nodded and headed over, greeting Niall and Liam with hugs, chatting quietly with them while Louis prepared himself, pulling his guitar over his body, plugging in his amp quietly. He knew Liam and Niall had sensed something was up. They kept sending him concerned glances but Louis just smiled through them, tuning his guitar while Zayn set up some mic stands for them.

They’d just started with their first song when the door burst open and Harry walked in, shades over his eyes, a headscarf holding his curls back. Louis frowned when he saw a white dressing on the side of his neck, rolling his eyes when he realised Harry had spent yesterday getting another tattoo, right where Louis had his own. He focused on the other side of the room as Harry made small talk with Liam, completely blanking Zayn and Louis, which was fine by him.

They rehearsed their set list, playing through some of the new songs as well as their better known material, and Harry even chimed in during a small break, asking to add a song, a cover of Jealous Again by one of his favourite bands, The Black Crowes, which everyone agreed to. Louis clenched his fists at the suggestion, knowing the reason for this particular song but he stayed quiet, not wanting to rock the boat.

As they finished rehearsing, he lifted off his guitar and left the room, heading for the little kitchen down the corridor to make some drinks for everyone.

“Oi, Lou, hold up.”

Louis turned at the sound of footsteps and smiled when he realised it was Zayn. He stood in the doorway and held the kitchen door open as Zayn walked past him, grabbing a glass from the cupboard.

“So are we going to talk about what happened yesterday at yours? What the fuck was that?”

Louis filled the kettle quietly, wondering how much to tell his best friend. Somehow, he sensed Zayn knew more than he was letting on, and he flicked the kettle on, finally getting the courage to look up.

“I dunno, Z. It’s a completely fucked up situation is what it is. I’m just sorry Harry was such a complete arsehole to you.”

“Ah, forget it, I’ve seen him worse.” Louis hated that fact as well, and walked to the fridge, grabbing the milk and putting some into four mugs. “So? Why did he think we were fucking?”

“God knows. Haz jumping to conclusions as usual.” Louis sighed, turning around and resting the small of his back against the worktop. “He just… he made an assumption, and I’m sorry for that. He had no right to come in and shout at us like that.”

“He didn't but the bigger question is why he reacted like that, Lou. Why was he bothered about the fact we might have had sex?”

Louis bit the inside of his cheek, willing himself not to break down. He knew if he started getting upset, everything would come out and he wasn’t sure he was ready for that. “Uh…”

Zayn’s voice was soft when he next spoke, and Louis let out a slow breath. “Are you and Harry a thing?”

Louis didn't deny it. It was the first time he’d been asked, but for some reason, he couldn’t say no. They weren’t a thing or an item, not really, but Zayn needed to know the truth.

“Fuck, Lou… I suspected for a while, just how he was with you and stuff but I wasn’t sure I believed it. How long?”

“Since school?” Louis replied in a quiet voice, cheeks blushing at the admission. “We’re not a couple. He doesn’t want that, he’s made that quite clear. But we’ve been fucking for years. We always gravitate back to each other, and, uh… it’s been a long time since I’ve taken anyone but him to bed.”

“Oh, Louis..”

“Don’t. Don’t pity me. I got myself into this mess, I allowed my stupid fucking feelings to come into play.” Louis turned back around and started preparing the tea, filling each mug almost to the brim with boiling water before he fished a dry teaspoon off the draining board. He could feel the heat in his cheeks, and he steadfastly ignored Zayn’s sigh from across the room. He knew it was coming from a place of care and friendship, but it wasn’t what Louis needed right now.

“What are you gonna do, Lou?”

Louis put the used teabags on a small saucer, and turned, handing Zayn a cup which he accepted with a small smile. He shrugged as he stirred the remaining two, adding sugar into Liam and Niall’s cups. He knew Harry took it just as he did - just a dash of milk, no sugar. 

“Dunno. I really have no fucking clue. All I know is he doesn’t want what I do, and somehow, I have to get over that. I think our friendship is effectively over, and I’m really not sure how I feel about that. I’ve… I’ve lost him, Z.”

Louis bit his lip, willing himself not to cry. Zayn made to step closer but Louis quickly shook his head, not wanting any sort of comfort. 

“Let’s just get back out there and rehearse, then I can get away from him until next week and the next show. Maybe a bit of a break from him is what I need. Last thing we want is fans commenting about it when we’re on stage. I need to sort this out, sort my own head out.” He grabbed two mug handles in each hand, and nodded to Zayn, who headed out of the door first.

When he walked back into the rehearsal room, he headed straight for Liam, who took his cup with a grateful smile, but Louis paused when Liam’s hand came to rest on his forearm. Louis looked up, trying to look as neutral as he could, like there wasn’t the weight of the world on his heavily tattooed shoulders.

“Lou, what’s going on? You can talk to me, you know?”

“I do but I’m fine, thanks Li. Honestly, it’s all good.”

“But-”

“No buts. I’m fine, and if I need you, I know where you are, okay? Let’s get this rehearsal sorted, it’s going well so far, and I don’t wanna ruin the momentum. Oi, Horan, come get your tea.”

Niall skipped over, making Louis laugh, and he saw Zayn chatting quietly to Harry over at the other side of the room. Harry’s back was tense, and Louis couldn’t drag his eyes away, wishing he could hear what was being said. They all jumped when Harry slammed his hands on the table in front of him, and Zayn’s hands shot up, as if he were surrendering. Louis decided enough was enough and walked over, still clutching Harry’s tea.

“Harry, that’s enough. Here’s your tea.”

Harry looked at Louis, and Louis startled for a moment, shocked by Harry’s dark eyes and the look he was giving him. Louis couldn’t pinpoint exactly what was in that look, but he didn't like it.

“Oh, I’m sorry, upsetting your little boyfriend, am I?”

Louis quietly seethed, and much to his relief, Zayn stepped away, sensing now wasn’t the time to be talking to Harry about anything.

“Don’t fuck this up, Harry. You were out of line the other day, and I really don’t want to start shit here, not in front of Li and Niall. We’re meant to be professionals, so start fucking acting like it.” 

With that, he turned on his heel and headed back to his instrument, more than aware of the looks of the other three men in the room on him. It wasn’t often he had harsh words for Harry in front of them, but Louis felt like he was at a crossroads and had to make a decision. He hated everything about this, but he kept reminding himself it wasn’t his fault that Harry was fucked up and scared of commitment, or of even wanting to try something with Louis.

He downed his tea, probably burning his tongue in the process but he didn't care. Feeling that pain was better than the dull ache that had been in his chest since he and Harry had fought yesterday. 

“Right, lads. I think we need to go from the top, see how it sounds start to finish, then we can chat about it, what do you reckon?”

Niall piped up, clapping a hand on Louis’ shoulder. “Sounds good to me, Tommo. Is he okay?” He jerked his head towards Harry, who was now with his guitar again.

“God knows, Niall. Who fucking knows what’s going on in his head half the time.”

“Shit, sorry, wish I hadn’t asked…” Niall mumbled as he walked off, and Louis instantly felt bad. He hadn’t meant to take out his shitty mood on his friend, but as usual, he had. 

“Niall, I’m sorry. It’s just… Harry was a bit of a dick to me yesterday, and we haven’t sorted it out yet.”

“Yeah, I can sense the tension, Lou. You two need to sort it out, though. We have that show next week, and we can’t go on stage like this. We’re a mess and the last thing we need before the third album is more shit between you two.”

Louis felt like he’d been properly told off, and nodded to himself, seeing out of the corner of his eye that Harry was listening to every word being said. Louis hoped maybe it would sink in and make Harry realise that he wasn’t just fucking up his own life, this was affecting the band as well. Liam and Niall didn't deserve to be dragged into their mess, and Louis knew he had to sort it out, one way or another.

“I know. I’ll sort it out, I promise.”

Niall nodded, and headed back off, standing in front of his microphone stand again. Louis caught Zayn’s eye across the room, and gave him a tense smile, knowing Zayn was worried about him. Louis hated others worrying about him, but he knew with Zayn it was inevitable. 

“Okay, lads. I’ll count us in,” Liam called from behind his drum kit, and Louis focused entirely on the set list taped to the floor, ready to lose himself in the music. “And 1, 2, 3!”

~*~

It was dark when Louis eventually got home the next night. He’d spent the day with Liam, running through things for the show next week, and it had been nice for Louis to think about something else other than Harry and the problems they were having. He still hadn’t had a chance to speak to him. Harry had fled the rehearsal studio as soon as they’d finished, and the last Louis had seen was his brake lights as Harry drove away, tyres squealing on the road making Louis cringe.

Liam had kindly not brought up the tension between the two bandmates, for which Louis was grateful. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to stop himself once he started if Liam had asked, and he’d frantically turned every conversation to work, even when there was a silence between the pair. He knew Liam wouldn’t be angry if he found out Harry and Louis had had sex, but still, Louis didn't want to out the pair of them without Harry’s say so, no matter how angry he was with his friend. Louis was angry, but he wasn’t a dick.

He flicked on various lights as he walked throughout his house, hating how quiet it was without someone else there with him. Harry popping around had become such a regular occurence that Louis was missing him more than he expected. He pulled his phone from his pocket and sent Harry yet another text, one he knew would probably go unanswered like the other half a dozen messages he’d sent since last night begging him to talk. Louis hated he was the only one making an effort, but nothing ever seemed to change, not when it came to Harry.

He’d just got changed and settled on his bed when his phone rang, and he scrabbled for it, hoping it would be Harry. He sighed when he realised it wasn’t. It was his Mum facetiming him, and Louis decided to answer, realising it had been over a week since he’d last spoken to her. They texted all the time, but it wasn’t the same as hearing her voice.

“Hello, my darling,” came Jay’s warm voice over the phone, and Louis smiled at the sight of his mum on his phone screen. She looked tired, curled up in an armchair in what Louis could see was the sitting room, and suddenly he ached to be there, to be held by her, to pretend none of the shit with Harry was happening. He felt safe with his mum, and at times like this, he realised how far away he was, and he hated it.

“Hey Mum, how are you?”

“I’m good, sweetheart. Not heard from you for a while, how are things with the band?”

Louis smiled slightly, feeling guilty that Jay had noticed he’d not been in touch for a few days. “Yeah, all good. We’ve been busy rehearsing for the show next week. Spent today with Li as well, planning things, you know he is.”

Jay chuckled softly, nodding. The boys had spent too many hours at each other’s houses when they were starting out, and consequently, it at times felt like they all had four mothers. Jay considered Harry, Liam and Niall her sons as much as Louis was, and Louis loved that. “I do, bless him. Born worrier, that boy.”

“He is,” Louis agreed, flicking on another bedside lamp so that he was a little more visible on the screen. “So what’s been happening with you guys, then? The girls okay?”

They chatted about the family for a while, Louis keen to catch up on everything that had been happening with his sisters. He managed to promise Jay that he’d travel home in a couple of weeks to watch the twins’ ballet recital. As much as he was a fairly famous singer and had his own following, Louis’ family meant the world to him, especially his little sisters. He was the protective big brother, and came to as many of their shows and performances as his schedule allowed, and he knew it would make the girls’ day when he arrived to watch them. He always got a few funny looks from the new parents who didn't know him, when he turned up with his bleached hair, tattooed skin and pierced body but he didn't care. The girls and his mum loved him whatever the case, and that was all that mattered. He was a softie really, no matter what people assumed because of his outward appearance.

Louis yawned, covering his mouth and chuckled, embarrassed he’d been caught out tired at what was a relatively early hour for him. “Shit, sorry Mum…”

“Language, Lou. You can curse with your friends all you like but not with me, please.”

Louis nodded, and settled back against the pillows.

“Lou, tell me what’s going on. Please.”

“What do you mean?” Louis frowned, trying to make out he had no idea what Jay was talking about, but as usual, his mother saw through his facade. “Look, I don’t want to talk about it-”

“It’s Harry, isn’t it?”

“What? How did you know?”

“He text me the other day, asking me to check in with you. He doesn’t usually do that, so I assumed something had happened between the two of you. You can be honest with me, Louis, I won’t judge you, darling.”

It was those words which caused Louis to break. The whole sorry story came tumbling out; how he’d been in love with Harry for years, how they kept slipping into a pattern of having sex with each other (Louis didn't even bother commenting on how unsurprised Jay seemed by that turn of events), and how when Louis had confronted Harry about being together, he’d had his heart broken. He’d cried, and Jay had soothed him as best she could from hundreds of miles away.

“Oh, darling. I wish you’d told me sooner how you felt about Harry.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter, does it? It’s not like he gives a shit about me and what I feel or want. I need to wake up and realise he doesn’t want what I want. It’s just hard when I’m around him all the time.”

“I know, sweetheart. It sounds like you and Harry need to have a proper talk, really clear the air between you, even if that means you admitting you can’t be friends, not at the moment.” Louis sniffed and nodded, realising Jay was right. He couldn’t keep being the same way he was around Harry if he wanted to get over him, and move on. 

Louis reached out and touched the glass screen of his phone, stroking down where his Mum’s cheek was. “Thanks, Mum. I’m sorry for being such a fuck up- shit, sorry, a mess-”

Jay was laughing and shaking her head now, and it made Louis blush. “Don’t ever apologise, love. You can’t help who you fall in love with. Just… talk to me, yeah? I won’t ever pass judgement, but I’m always here to listen. I assume the other boys don’t know about you two?”

Louis vehemently shook his head. That was the one saving grace about the whole thing, that Liam and Niall had no idea how bad things had gotten between himself and Harry. “No, and they won’t, not if I have anything to do with it.”

Louis finished up the call with his Mum, promising to stay in touch more, and update her on what happened with Harry. Before he collapsed into bed, Louis checked his messages again, sighing when he saw Harry had read his texts but as usual hadn’t bothered replying. Louis laid in bed in just his boxers, blinking up at the ceiling. Everything felt like it was coming down around him, and he was powerless to stop. He had to sort this out before he lost everything.

~*~

It was the day before their show. They’d all rocked up at the rehearsal space on time, Zayn tagging along with Niall since he wasn’t working in his tattoo studio that day. Zayn had spent the day before with Louis, planning out his new tattoo, and Louis was excited to get it done after their rehearsal, before tomorrow’s show. He knew the fans loved it when he got more ink, and always looked into the meaning of his new tattoos. Zayn also appreciated the publicity Louis gave him when he tweeted pictures of it, with links to Zayn’s Twitter and his website.

“Where the fuck is he?” Niall called, pacing the floor, guitar hanging across his body.

Louis stayed quiet, not wanting to get into it. Usually, he’d be the one to call Harry or go round his place to round him up, but not today. He’d still not heard from Harry outside of rehearsals, and things had still been painfully awkward between them since last week’s confrontation. Liam and Niall were more than aware now of something being wrong, and Louis knew Niall was only one explosion away from asking what the fuck was going on.

Zayn spoke up then, and Louis looked over. “I can, uh, I can play Harry’s parts for you ‘til he arrives, so you don’t waste time?” 

Louis looked to the other two band members who nodded, both too fed up with Harry to bother chasing him up. Harry knew what time the rehearsal was, as much as they did, and Louis was fed up of being Harry’s babysitter.

“Yeah, go for it.”

Zayn walked over to grab Niall’s spare guitar and quickly adjusted the strap, setting it so it was more comfortable on his body. Zayn spent so much time with them that he knew the songs as well as they did, and he always seemed to fit seamlessly into the band. They’d asked him on numerous occasions to join them as a fifth member but he’d always refused, telling them he loved their music but performing wasn’t his thing. He was happy singing in front of his mates, but the idea of being on stage made him freeze up, and Louis and the other band members were more than understanding.

It was when they were over halfway through their set that Harry finally tumbled in through the door with a crash. They all stopped playing the song they were on, a fun little number called No Control that Louis had written a few years ago (about Harry, but he’d of course told the other boys it was about a one night stand when they’d asked and teased him about it), and Louis cringed, smelling the alcohol emanating from Harry across the room.

“Shit,” he muttered under his breath, seeing Niall’s jaw clench and Liam sighed, dropping his drumsticks to the floor.

“Hello, lovely bandmates,” Harry slurred as he stumbled over, and Louis shook his head, sensing Harry was off his face as well as drunk. It wasn’t a good combination, and Louis knew they needed to get him out of there now. “Started without me, did ya?”

“Yeah, we did, Harry. You’re nearly two hours late, and we have a show tomorrow. We can’t afford to waste time hanging around to see if you’re going to bother turning up.”

Liam’s voice was low and Louis’ heart started to race, knowing that it wasn’t often Liam snapped but when he did, he’d really had enough. 

“Oh, do fuck off. You sound like an old man, Liam. Bloody nag, nag, nag.” Harry rolled his eyes and reached for a water bottle from the side, knocking a couple of others to the floor with a loud thump. “Oopsy,” he giggled.

“Do not speak to Liam like that, Harry,” Niall said, pulling off his guitar and setting it in the stand next to him. “I think you should go, mate. You’re off your face, and to be honest, I don’t want you here like this.”

Harry stood up and whirled around, glaring at Niall. Louis couldn’t move. He felt like he was stuck to the floor, finally watching the imminent implosion of his band. Harry had gone too far this time, and Louis had a feeling shit was about to hit the fan.

“Fuck off, Niall. You can’t fucking tell me what to do, I’m as much part of this fucking band as you are. Your head is so far up your own arse-”

“Excuse me? Just because I give more of a shit-”

Louis stepped forward, resting a hand on Niall’s chest, trying to calm his friend down. “Z, can you take Niall outside for a minute, he needs to calm down.”

Niall looked exasperated as he looked to Louis but he relented, walking out behind Zayn for a minute, and Louis was grateful when Liam followed them out of the door. Louis turned back to Harry, wincing at his appearance now he was up close. Harry was a mess. His hair was greasy and unwashed, and Louis assumed he hadn’t showered in days. His hands were dirty, and his pupils were blown, probably from whatever he’d snorted or taken that morning.

“You’re a fucking mess, Harry. Go home and sort yourself out. We can say you’re sick tomorrow, we can play without you-”

Harry stepped over and as much as Harry intimidated Louis when he was like this, he stood his ground, fists clenched at his sides as Harry squared up to him, swaying as he tried to stay upright. Louis wrinkled his nose at the smell of stale beer surrounding Harry.

“You-” Harry began, jabbing his finger into Louis’ chest, causing Louis’ to stumble slightly before straightening up again. “You do  _ not  _ get to tell me what to do. Ever. You hear me?”

“I do when you’re fucking up other people’s lives, Harry. You’re drunk, you’re high and you don’t need to be here. Just go home and sober up, yeah?”

“No! Fuck you, Louis, fuck you. Jesus Christ, you’re the biggest fucking mistake I ever made.”

Louis tried not to react to that, despite how much the words pouring from Harry’s mouth were breaking his heart. Harry carried on, clearly keen to expel every bad thing he’d ever thought about Louis in his drunken, high state.

“I wish.. I wish I’d never fucking met you, Louis, you’ve ruined my fucking life, you know that? And for what?”

The door creaked open then, and Louis glanced over, shaking his head as he tried to wordlessly tell the other boys to leave. They didn't, instead, they just walked in and folded their arms, leaning back against the wall. Harry didn't seem to have noticed them, so he carried on, releasing a diatribe of abuse at Louis.

“For some fucking shit sex I could have got anywhere? You were nothing special, Louis, don’t fucking think you were. You were always easy for me, happy to lay down and take what I gave you.” Louis knew his cheeks were flaming now, hearing Harry finally confessing to their sex life in front of their bandmates but he stayed quiet. “Don’t think I don’t fucking know you’re in love with me. But don’t fool yourself into thinking I could ever feel anything for you. You’re nothing to me, Louis-”

“That’s enough.”

Louis swallowed heavily as Zayn stepped over, clearly having heard enough. Louis was grateful to him for interjecting but at the same time, he had a horrible feeling this was only going to make Harry worse. He was right.

“You? You can’t fucking talk, Malik. Secretly lusting after him from afar, probably wanted to fuck him the other day, didn't you? Jealous I got inside that arse before you did-”

“Seriously, Harry, shut the fuck up and show Louis some goddamn respect.”

Louis walked over to Zayn, holding his arm for a moment. “Zayn, I-”

“See? I knew you were fucking cheating on me with him, you’re both fucking disgusting! I can’t stand the pair of you-”

Louis had had enough. He walked over to Harry and grabbed his wrist, dragging him towards the door despite the fact he was much smaller than Harry. He had sobriety on his side, though, and Harry followed him for a moment before he realised what was happening.

“Get your fucking hands off me-”

“No, you need to get the fuck out of here-”

“No, fuck you, Louis!” Harry ripped his hand away from Louis and shoved at him, hands colliding with Louis’ shoulders. Louis wasn’t prepared for it and his body absorbed the energy from Harry’s shove. He stumbled backwards, and his foot caught on a wire trailing across the floor. 

It all seemed to happen in slow motion from there. There was a loud shout and footsteps heading towards him but it was too late. All Louis felt was a blinding pain through his head as it connected with the edge of one of the amps sat on the floor, and he landed with a loud thud.

“Oh my fucking god!”

“Shit, Liam, call an ambulance- Louis, Louis can you hear me?”

Louis blinked, staring up at Zayn’s face, everything hazy around him. He could hear the boys shouting at each other, Liam on the phone and Niall berating Harry at the top of his voice before the door slammed. The pain was searing across Louis’ head now, and he couldn’t move, not understand what was happening.

“Louis, I’ve got you, Lou-” 

Louis looked up and met Zayn’s dark eyes, tears pooling before everything went black.

 


	5. Chapter 5

“Shit, I think he’s waking up-”

“Ni, go and get a doctor or something, I’ll text Jay-”

“Louis? Are you with us, mate? Open your eyes…”

Louis could hear the voices in the background and he groaned, a blinding pain crossing the top of his head as he blinked, trying to centre himself. He looked up groggily at a white tiled ceiling, wincing at the bright lights overhead, hearing beeps and other noises around him as he tried to work out where he was and what the hell was going on. He tilted his head slowly to the side and looked into Zayn’s familiar eyes, relieved to see someone he knew.

“Zayn?”

“Shit, Li, he’s awake, he knows who I am, get over here!”

The door burst open then and a flurry of voices filled the room as doctors and nurses surrounded Louis on the bed. They sat him up slightly and checked a few of the monitors around the bed, and Louis tried to cower away from the lights they were shining in his eyes, letting out a low groan of pain.

“Sorry, Mr Tomlinson. We’ll up your pain medication. I just have a few questions for you, please answer as truthfully as you can.”

Louis nodded before the doctor ran through some typical questions, asking Louis his name, his date of birth, what year it was, who was Prime Minister and finally, he pointed at Louis’ bandmates, asking who they were.

“Dunno, never seen these ugly sods in my life,” he joked, and Louis didn't miss the sight of Liam wiping away a tear as they all chuckled. “Nah, they’re my best mates.”

“Excellent, Mr Tomlinson-”

“Louis, please. That makes me sound like an old man.”

“Okay, Louis, that all seems fine. We’re going to keep you in hospital for a few more days, we have some more tests to run before we can ascertain if there’s any lasting damage from the impact-”

“Wait a minute, what impact? Why am I here? I don’t-” He started to breathe faster, panicking about what was going on. He reached up and touched a bandage wrapped around his head, whimpering at the sensitivity of the area. “Zayn, I’m scared-”

“I’m here, mate,” Zayn replied, hurrying over to take Louis’ hand, perching on the edge of the bed. Louis watched as he looked up to the doctor, talking softly. “Can we tell him?”

“Certainly, Mr Malik. If you need us, please don’t hesitate to call. We’ll leave you all alone. Has someone contacted Louis’ mother? I know she wanted to be notified when Louis was awake.”

Liam piped up, sniffing and wiping his eyes on his sleeve. “I did, she’s on her way back from my place, she’ll be here soon.”

“Thank you, Payno,” Louis spoke quietly, and Liam nodded as the doctors made their way out of the room, leaving the boys alone at last. They all settled around the bed, Zayn staying where he was sat next to Louis, Liam and Niall dragging over two chairs. Louis glanced around the room seeing a plethora of hoodies, take away bags of food sat on a small table against the wall, and other things that indicated they hadn’t been here for just an hour or two. “Lads, what’s going on? How long have I been here? And- why the fuck am I in hospital?”

“Do you remember anything about Tuesday?” Niall asked, his Irish lilt soft and gentle as he spoke, and it was then that Louis knew something was terribly wrong. “Anything at all?”

“No… last thing I remember is hanging out at Liam’s, planning the show on Wednesday. Why?”

“Louis, you’ve been, uh, you’ve been unconscious for a couple of days, mate. It’s Saturday now, we’ve all been sat with you since Tuesday. We only managed to get Jay back to Liam’s last night, typical you wake up now, she’ll be gutted she missed you.”

“What the- but the show!”

Liam looked up. “We cancelled it, Lou, after what happened.”

“Well, will someone tell me what the fuck did happen? And where’s Harry? Why’s he not here? Does he not care I’m in hospital?”

Louis watched as all three of his friends looked at each other, serious expressions on all of their faces. He was getting worried now, and squeezed Zayn’s hand, making him look back at him. 

“Please, tell me what happened?”

Liam nodded to Niall, and they shuffled closer.

“On Tuesday… we had a rehearsal for the show,” Liam began, voice low and full of something Louis couldn’t recognise. “Harry was late, so Zayn stepped in. It was all good, we played well and things were fine. But after about an hour or so, Harry came in.” Liam swallowed, and Niall took over, sensing Liam was struggling.

“He was completely off his face, Lou. He stank of booze, and he’d taken something as well. He was a twat from the minute he walked in, itching for a fight with us, I reckon.”

Louis’ heart fell at that, but he nodded, willing the boys to carry on.

“He, uh…” Niall tailed off, and looked to Zayn.

“He accused us of having an affair, Lou. He said some unrepeatable things about you and him, your, uh, your relationship with him and then you tried to get him to leave.”

“Shit, why don’t I remember this?” Louis all but whispered, hating that he had no recollection of any of what the boys were telling him.  “And what happened?”

“He shoved you,” Niall said, looking angry now. “He turned and he put his hands on you, Lou. You fell, and hit your head on one of the amps. You were bleeding, and you weren’t moving. I thought you were dead-” Niall’s voice wobbled, and Louis reached out when he saw tears in Niall’s eyes.

“Hey, I’m not dead, okay? I’m here, I’m okay. But…” As much as Louis hated asking the next question, he knew he had to. He needed answers. “Where’s Harry now?”

“We don’t know,” came Liam’s reply, and Louis noticed all of the boys looking at the ground, like they couldn’t meet Louis’ eyes.

“What do you mean you don’t know? Have you not heard from him- has he not asked how I am?”

They all shook their heads and Louis wanted to cry.

“He took off after I threw him out,” Niall started, sniffing back tears. “Li tried to call him later, but his phone has been off since it happened. I’ve gone by his place and he’s not there. I called Anne, and she’s not heard from him either. He’s disappeared, Lou.”

“Your mum tried calling him, too. But no one’s heard anything, Lou. I’ve seen his friends, and a few people I know from the shop who he meets with for, um, to get his gear from. But nothing. I’m sorry, Louis.”

“S’not your fault,” Louis got out, his voice laced with emotion. Harry had hurt him. He was in hospital because of Harry, the man he loved, and worse, Harry didn't seem to give a damn. It was then that Louis finally allowed himself to cry, and just as he broke down on Zayn’s shoulder, the door flew open and Louis covered his face, not wanting anyone to see him cry. It was hearing the soft voice that came that was the final straw for Louis.

“Oh boobear. Don’t cry darling, Mum’s here now.”

~*~

It took Louis quite a while to calm down after his breakdown, and in the end, Jay had asked the boys to leave her alone with Louis, which he was grateful for. He loved the boys like brothers, but he just needed his mum. They sat quietly for a long time as she talked Louis through what his bandmates had told her, and she’d shown him the text messages she’d sent to Harry. The first few had been read and ignored but the latter few hadn’t been delivered, which made Louis worry more.

“So what happens now?” Louis asked, keen to find out what else was going on with him. His headache hadn’t subsided despite the medication they were giving him, and he’d asked Jay to close the blinds as the sun was hurting his eyes too much. She’d looked too concerned at that. “When can I get out of here?”

“Uh, the doctors need to run some tests before they let you go, love-”

“What aren’t you telling me?” Louis cut in, sensing there was more going on than he was being told. “Be honest, Mum, come on. I’m an adult, I can hear it, whatever it is.”

Jay swallowed and looked to the door before she started to speak.

“You had a seizure, Louis. They brought you in by ambulance, Zayn came with you and as they brought you in, you seized. It took awhile for them to stop the seizing, and they were worried about damage to your brain. They put you into an induced coma to let your brain rest. I’ve never been so scared, baby.”

“Oh my god…” Louis had no idea it had been that bad, and he looked to Jay, willing her to continue.

“You seized again when they woke you for the first time. They sent you for a CT scan, and I know they want to repeat it now you’re awake.”

“Okay, and what did it say? Mum, you’re a nurse, will you just be honest? I’d rather hear it from you than some old doctor I don’t know.”

“Oh, Louis…” Tears pooled in her eyes then, and Louis’ body went cold with dread. “Darling… you’ve got a brain injury, from where you hit your head on the impact. They don’t know if… if it’ll sort itself out, or if it’s permanent damage.”

Louis just stared at her, trying to make sense of the words. “What does… what does that mean?”

“They don’t know yet, sweetheart. You’re on some strong anti-convulsant medication, and you’ve shown some worrying light sensitivity-”

“You’re holding back. Tell me. Is it bad?”

Jay sniffed and leaned forwards, resting her forehead on Louis’ blanket covered thigh before she sat up, tears streaming down her face now. Louis laced his fingers with hers, willing her to just spit out whatever it was she was holding back. 

“They think it’s epilepsy, Lou. I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I wish I didn't have to tell you this.”

Louis felt the bottom fall out of his world. One of the girls in his class had had epilepsy when they were at high school before he’d moved to Holmes Chapel, and he knew the limitations it had put on her life, how she had to be careful with everything she did, how aware everyone was of what to do in the event of a seizure. He let out a sob, covering his mouth with his free hand, ignoring the tug of his IV in his hand as he did so.

“Fuck. He’s ruined my life, Mum, he’s fucked everything up-”

Louis cried. He cried for his unknown future, for his fear, for the fact he’d lost Harry. Everything was different now. Nothing would ever be the same again.

~*~

The next few days passed by in a bit of a fog for Louis. He was sent around the hospital for various scans and tests, now feeling a bit like a pin cushion, and he was fed up of the stupid soothing music played through the headphones he wore as he had several scans, not able to move a muscle while they were done which was complete torture. Louis hated every second of feeling incapacitated and at every opportunity asked his doctors when he could go home. No one seemed able to give him answers, always responding with a vague ‘hopefully soon enough’.

Zayn, Liam and Niall took it in turns to come in and see him, spending time with him when Jay had to go back home to her other children. Louis had almost forced her to go, saying he was an adult and could take care of himself. She’d left, very reluctantly, but Louis called her everyday, updating her on what the doctors had said.

During those few visits, Louis had been honest with Liam and Niall about his relationship with Harry. They’d been shocked to find out the pair had been having sex for years, more surprised by the fact they’d never seen it more than anything else but they’d accepted it, entirely unbothered by their bandmates sexual relationship. It was Liam who guessed Louis had fallen in love, and he’d held him as Louis admitted he was, but that Harry had never reciprocated his feelings in that way. It had been an awkward conversation but Louis felt like a weight had been lifted when he’d finally admitted everything to the pair of them.

Eventually, the doctors had come to him and officially diagnosed him with epilepsy. He had a particular sensitivity to light, and they’d told him he wouldn’t be allowed to perform on stage anymore, that the lights were too much of a trigger for him, and Louis’ heart had broken, realising that it was probably the end of him being in the band. He dreaded telling the boys, and had asked all of them to come in so he could tell them himself. If he was ending things, the least he could do was be honest and tell them outright.

“Yo, Tommo, how we doing?” Niall called as he burst into the room, a wide smile on his face. Louis had got himself dressed that morning, finally free of his IVs and other monitoring equipment. He felt much more like himself, despite the amount of pills he now had to swallow every morning to keep his epilepsy under control, and he dreaded having to tell them, knowing they’d struggle with the information as much as he had.

“Not so bad, Ni, good to see you, mate,” Louis said, leaning in to Niall’s quick embrace.

“I’ll leave this over here, Lou. I bunged some extra clothes in, wasn’t sure if you needed some clean stuff so I brought it anyway.”

Louis pulled Liam into a hug, grateful for the fact his friend always thought ahead. He scratched at the plaster still on his head covering his wound. The doctor had changed the stitches a few days ago, and Louis had insisted on looking at the wound. He knew he’d be left with a scar, and he hated that he now had a permanent reminder on his body of what Harry did to him.

Zayn strolled in then, and Louis sat up against the headboard of the bed, ready to finally be completely honest with the boys.

“Right, so there’s a reason you’re all here today-” Louis began before Niall cut him off.

“Don’t tell us. You’re pregnant,” Niall deadpanned, breaking the tension a bit.

“You twat, no. This is, uh, this is serious, lads.” They all nodded and Niall muttered an apology, sinking into a chair that he’d pulled over to the side of the bed. “So you guys know I’ve had a lot of scans and stuff since… what happened.” They all nodded and Louis took a deep breath before he continued. “The doctors have told me that, um… I’ve got epilepsy, because of the injury to my brain. I have to take medication to keep it under control, but I’m sensitive to any flashing lights and shit like that.”

“Fuck.”

“Shit, Lou… seriously?”

“Can they not, like, heal you?” Zayn asked, wincing when Liam slapped him around the back of his head at the question. “Oi, fuck off, Liam! It’s a valid question, okay?”

“It is, I get it,” Louis began, understanding what Zayn was asking as he’d pretty much asked the doctors the same thing himself. “But no. The injury to my brain is permanent, and I’ll be on these tablets for the rest of my life. This, um… it affects the band, guys. I can’t be on stage anymore, the lights are too much of a trigger.” He felt angry as he felt himself tear up despite the fact he’d promised himself he wouldn’t cry. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Hey, you have  _ nothing _ to be sorry for, you hear me? It’s that bastard Styles who needs to fucking be sorry,” Niall interjected, anger clear in his features. “We’ll wait for you, Lou, as long as it takes.”

“You don’t get it,” Louis sniffed, shaking his head as he brushed his tears away. “I can’t ever be on stage again, Ni. My career is done. I’m finished.”

Silence hung heavily in the room. Niall looked to Liam, and the pair of them looked perplexed, as if they didn't know what to do with the news. Louis entirely understood. It had taken him days to get his head around it himself, and he knew it was a lot to process. There was the sound of a sniff and Louis looked up, a little shocked to see Zayn roughly wiping at his eyes.

“Hey, Z, come on, mate…” Louis placed his hand on Zayn’s shoulder, rubbing gently. “It’s shit, I know that. But I’m alive, I’m here. Let’s look on the bright side, yeah?”

“I guess,” Zayn mumbled, voice laden with emotion. “Just… I wanna kill him, Lou. For doing this to you, for not fucking bothering to ask if you’re okay. I hate him, and I never thought I could hate Harry.”

Louis stayed quiet, feeling exactly the same about Harry in that moment. He’d sent another text that had gone undelivered that morning, and he’d even resorted to firing off an email, asking Harry to call him or Jay, that he just wanted to know he was okay. Despite everything, Louis couldn’t just switch his feelings off, or ignore the fact they’d been best friends for so much of their lives that he and Harry were in so many ways one person. It killed Louis to be so far away from Harry, and to have him out of reach.

The boys sat and talked for a while, Liam contemplating different options of what they could do to accommodate Louis but it all came back to one thing - that the band couldn’t go on without him, and seemingly, without Harry. Liam had promised to arrange a meeting with management so they could be honest with them, and Louis felt a lump rise in his throat at that. Not only was his own career in tatters, so was that of his bandmates, and through no fault of their own. This was the worst thing that could have happened, and Louis wished more than anything he could turn the clock back and make it so none of this was happening.

Niall and Liam left an hour or so later, promising to be back the next day. Liam took a pile of Louis’ laundry with him despite his protestations, and Louis had hugged them for just a second longer than normal when they’d said goodbye. He got back onto his hospital bed, fiddling with the hospital band around his wrist that told the staff he was a patient, wishing he could cut it off.

“Z, I’ve got a big favour to ask you,” Louis began, suddenly feeling apprehensive about asking Zayn his question, despite the fact he already knew the answer. 

“Anything, Lou, you know that. What can I do to help?”

Louis smiled gratefully at his best friend, loving that Zayn knew he needed help without even being asked. “Uh, the doctors won’t discharge me to my own home because I live alone, and there’s no way I want to go back to Donny and burden Mum with this shit-”

“Course you can come and live with me, not even a question,” Zayn rushed to say, and Louis surged forwards, hugging Zayn tightly, fisting his t-shirt between his shoulder blades. “You can stay for however long you need, yeah? Come hang out in the shop, whatever you want.”

“I don’t deserve you, Z,” Louis mumbled, pulling away and yanking the blue blanket up over his lap for something to do. “I hate him, Z. I hate him for doing this to me, for just fucking walking away like I meant nothing… like  _ we _ were nothing. He doesn’t fucking care, Z, despite everything.”

Louis’ hands flew up to his face, wanting to hide away the fact he was about to cry over Harry Styles again. As much as Louis hated him, he still loved him, and he thought that he might hate that just a bit more than he hated the man himself.

“Oh, Lou…”

“I just… he doesn’t want me, does he? I was good enough to fuck, to be someone he went to when he wanted to get off but that was it. I was never a person he could love. I hate him, Z-” Louis sobbed then, and Zayn hurried forwards, pulling Louis into a hug, comforting him as he cried. Louis cried for everything he’d lost; his career, his best friend, the man he loved. He could only imagine what Harry was doing now, that he was probably blocking it all by getting high and drunk, hanging out with people Louis rather he wouldn’t.

Somehow, Louis knew that the only way to get through this was to stop caring. About the fans. About himself. But most of all, he had to stop caring about Harry Styles. If only it was as easy as that.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Present Day**

Louis closed his eyes as the piano music filled the room, the melodies he’d spent hours writing finally flowing together to create yet another masterpiece. His nimble fingers flew over the keys as he ignored the sheet music in front of him, the notes coming out from deep inside of him, permeating every inch of the room. He rocked fluidly on his seat to the rhythm of the song, and his faithful companion Clifford lay at his feet, used to music being played throughout their home by now.

The song finished, and Louis let his fingers rest on top of the keys in their final position, his foot on the sustain pedal, elongating the final note. Slowly, Louis blinked, opening his eyes to the light of the room again. He removed his hands and set them in his lap, staring at the notes on the page on front of him. It was perfect, and finally, he felt happy with it. He gathered the pieces of A4 paper together and lifted them, gently sliding them into the folder on the table to the side.

“Sounds good, huh, Cliff? Hopefully it’s what Chris wanted, but I know he’ll tell me if it isn’t.” 

Louis smiled ruefully to himself. He’d done this for too long now to not be jaded by the industry and how it all worked. He stood up and wandered over to the window, looking out at the beautiful view of the English countryside that now greeted him every morning. He looked out over fields of green, the sun shining high in the sky. It was beating down on him through the thin panes of glass of his small cottage, and he basked in the warmth for a moment, only stirring when Clifford walked by his legs, tail snaking around his calf.

“Alright, boy. Nick will take you out in a bit, with Pig and Stinky.” 

Louis still struggled to say those names with a straight face, shaking his head as he named his neighbour Nick’s dogs. Nick had been Louis’ saving grace in a lot of ways since he’d moved down to Hastings after the end of the band. He lived in a small village where not many people resided, and the only other face for miles around was Nick, the neighbour who lived a five minute walk away from Louis’ only house. 

It was just half an hour later that Louis’ doorbell rang, and he swallowed the handful of pills he still had to have daily to keep his symptoms at bay. He walked slowly towards the door and opened it, grinning at the sight of his neighbour stood there, dog leads in hand, panting hounds at his feet.

“Come in, you twat,” Louis said with a grin, stretching out to touch Nick’s quiff before he squeaked and took a jump back, protecting his hair as always. Teasing Nick about his hair was Louis’ favourite thing in the world to do.

“Did you finish that song for Chris, then?” Nick asked, kicking off his shoes and unclipping the dogs from their leads. Louis watched with a smile as Pig and Stinky bounded happily over to Clifford, tackling the bigger dog to the floor in happiness at seeing each other again. It wasn’t like they never saw each other. Nick was over Louis’ place most days of the week, sharing many meals together, afternoon walks or even just chatting while Louis wrote more music. 

“Yeah, think so. Finished it up this morning, gonna send it to him later and see what he thinks.” 

Louis watched as Nick walked up and picked up the folder, casting his eyes over the music even though Louis knew he couldn’t read music to save his life. 

Louis padded his socked feet through to the kitchen, gathering up a few things from the cupboards to make a start on lunch for the pair of them. If the people he used to hang around with could see him now, they wouldn’t recognise him. He could cook, clean, iron, keep a house. All skills he’d taught himself, wanting to be independent and not ever have to rely on anyone else. There’d never been anyone else, actually, and Louis was content for it to stay that way.

After the band had ended all those years ago, Louis moved in with Zayn for just under a year, getting used to the new pace of life. Twitter and the band’s other social media had exploded once their statement was released, stating that the band was no more, that they would no longer be performing together. They hadn’t given a reason, and for that, Louis was grateful. He’d been afraid of the backlash, and this way, there had been none against himself. Louis had hidden himself away in Zayn’s flat, afraid to leave, worried the fans would turn on him, that they’d blame him despite the fact no reason had been given about the demise of the popular band. It was all unwarranted, Louis knew that, but he couldn’t help the dark thoughts whirling around in his head in his darkest moments.

After a year, Louis invested some of the royalties from their first few albums into the house he now resided in. He’d moved in quickly and quietly, and since then had lived alone, only his dog for company. His mum and the boys came to visit every now and then but for the most part, it was Louis on his own and that was fine by him. It was a sheltered life that Louis led, but it was just how he liked it. He’d left behind the glitz and glamour of everything that came with being in a punk band and had made a new life for himself, one that he felt in control of. Control was something that had slipped through his fingers before, and he wasn’t about to let it again.

“Don’t put any of that pickle shit in my sarnie,” Nick called, and Louis laughed, already having known that. He finished folding a few slices of ham into both pieces of bread and plated them up, wandering through with those, knowing Nick would follow him and grab the beers on the side. “How did the appointment go yesterday?”

“Yeah, fine,” Louis dismissed, not wanting to talk about it. He still had to see a specialist regularly to monitor his epilepsy, to ensure his medication was correct, that he wasn’t deteriorating or developing other symptoms. The only person he spoke to candidly about this was his mum, and she was the only one who knew his full fears about his condition, how Louis had cried himself to sleep so many nights after his first seizure at home in front of Zayn, how he’d struggled to come to terms with the changes in his life.

“Sorry, won’t ask. Just wanted to make sure there was nothing new I need to know.” 

Nick knew about Louis’ epilepsy and what to do in the event of an emergency, but Louis had only disclosed this initially because he’d had to. It hadn’t been easy confessing it all to his new friend, but Nick hadn’t been daunted at all, and luckily, Nick never made a bigger deal out of it than needed to be. Louis was grateful for that, and appreciated Nick’s almost blasé attitude to his illness, making him feel somewhat normal around the other man.

“You know I’d tell you if there was anything important.” He took a bite of his food, chewing and swallowing before he looked over to Nick again. “But thank you. For always asking… for caring about me.”

“Don’t mention it, mate. No problem.” They ate quietly for a while until Nick got up and opened the French doors to the garden, letting the dogs bound outside for some much needed fresh air and to run off some energy pent up inside them. “Got any plans for this week, then?”

“Thought I might start decorating the spare room, fix it up a bit, make it look nice, you know? I’m not good with a paintbrush so you’re welcome to come and lend a hand if you want to. I think Ni’s coming over as well, haven’t seen him for a while.”

“Ah, cool. Be nice to see the lad, so happy he went to number one with his new song, it’s a banger, alright.”

“Course it’s a banger, I wrote on it,” Louis grinned with a devilish smile as Nick laughed loudly. “Liam’s album is due out soon as well. He invited me to the launch party in London, actually.”

“Are you going?”

“Nah, not my scene anymore. I don’t want to cause a fuss either, it should be about Liam, not me.”

“But if he wants you there-”

“I said no, Nick. Liam will understand. It’s fine. He’s sent me the finished thing anyway, and he knows how proud I am. That’s enough for him, and for me.”

Nick shrugged, grabbing a French Fancy off the plate Louis had set down. “If you say so.”

Nick was well aware of Louis’ past in  _ Drunk Words, Sober Thoughts _ but he’d never pushed him to say anymore about it than Louis wanted to. He knew Louis was fairly well off, that he could live off the royalties the band still provided to him, but he never asked anything invasive. He knew the band ended because of Louis’ condition, but Louis had never gone into detail about how that came about. The only people who knew the truth were the boys, his Mum… and Harry. Harry Styles. Someone Louis liked to pretend didn't exist anymore.

“Was thinking I’d take the dogs for a walk in a bit if you want to come?”

Louis nodded, liking the idea of going outside. They lived in the middle of nowhere, so he never had to worry about being recognised, or covering up his more famous tattoos that would be a dead giveaway if any of their previous fans saw him. In a way, Louis wished he could get rid of a lot of them. They were reminders of a different person, someone he used to be. He didn't so much mind the ones on his arms, but he hated the ones he couldn’t cover, on his neck and hands. He especially wished he could remove the ones he’d had with Harry, but part of him couldn’t bring himself to, even though he knew removal was now a possibility. It meant letting go of every bit of his past, and Louis wasn’t sure he was completely ready for that, even if he’d moved on long ago.

“I was gonna order in tonight, we could watch a movie if you fancy it?”

“Yeah, alright. I’ll grab the leads and stuff-”

They were interrupted by Louis’ phone and Nick just rolled his eyes, knowing Louis would have to take the call since it was his business phone that was ringing. 

“Sorry, give me a sec. You can take them out if you want, I’ll catch you up.” Nick nodded, and Louis answered the call as Nick whistled for the dogs, all of them quickly coming to heel, knowing what was happening. “Hello, Louis Tomlinson speaking.”

~*~

It was a few hours later they were sat on Louis’ sofa, Nick flicking through something on Louis’ iPad as a movie neither man was paying attention to played in the background. It was a comfortable silence, and one Louis was grateful for. They’d walked for over an hour earlier, and now all three dogs were asleep on the floor together in one furry heap. In so many ways, he, Nick and the dogs were like a family. Nick was the closest thing Louis had to a brother, and Louis very much always wanted to keep Nick in his life.

“Shit.”

Nick’s voice cut through the silence, and Louis looked up from where he was sat, frowning at his friend.

“What? Something wrong? Did you infect my iPad with porn bots again, Nick?”

“No, Lou, uh…” He tailed off and looked up at Louis, concern etched on his features. “Have you gone on any of the shitty newspaper sites today?”

Louis made a face. Surely Nick knew better than to ask him tht. He avoided those things like the plague. “No, course not. Why, what’s up?”

“Um… here, take a look.”

Nick scooted closer to Louis on the sofa, wordlessly handing him the iPad. Louis almost didn't want to look. Somehow, he knew it would be something he didn't really want to see, but at the same time, his eyes were drawn to the screen in front of him. He swallowed as he took in the image of the man he’d not seen for over five years. He almost didn't recognise him. Almost. If it wasn’t for those vibrant green eyes, Louis might doubt it was the same person.

“You okay?”

Louis didn't reply to Nick’s question. His fingers were moving across the screen, taking in every new image of his former lover and friend. Harry had been papped going into a radio station, on a new promo trail, apparently about to begin his own solo career. Louis frowned, not sure how he felt about that. Why did Harry deserve a second chances when Louis had had all of his future chances ripped away from him because of something Harry had done? 

“Louis, talk to me-”

“Just- just give me a minute, please?” 

Nick nodded and got up, heading into the kitchen. Louis appreciated being left alone and sat staring at one image that filled the screen. It was a fairly zoomed in picture of Harry’s face, and Louis looked for any signs of familiarity but found none. Harry’s formerly long hair had been cut into a much shorter style, shaved at the back with a bit of a floppy top that Louis felt suited him. He’d grown a bit of stubble, and the majority of his tattoos were covered up by the suit he was wearing. The only ones Louis could see were his neck tattoos, and a wrist one peeking out of the cuff of his shirt. 

Harry looked good, was the thing. Not in a way that made Louis want to jump into bed with him again, but in a healthy way. He looked clean and sober, like he’d finally put his demons of drink and drugs behind him, and despite himself, Louis was happy about that. He was glad Harry was healthy, that he wasn’t hooked on drugs in some shitty flat, that he was making something of his life. There was a certain bittersweet aspect to it, that Louis would never have that but in many ways, he was content with his lot.

He clicked off the screen, closing it before he could scour the article and its photos for more information. He sat quietly, chucking the iPad to one side, staring up at the various songwriting awards he’d received over the years. He was successful in his own right, that much was true, but still, winning awards under his pseudonym didn't give him the rush performing on stage used to. 

“We gonna talk about it now?” Nick asked as he strolled back, two cups of tea in his hands.

Louis shook his head, not quite ready to open up about it yet. He needed time to process his feelings, to work out how he felt about the fact Harry Styles was back out there. “Not tonight, if that’s okay?”

“Course it is. Whenever you’re ready, yeah?”

“Thanks, mate,” Louis murmured as he took a sip of his tea, sure those green eyes weren’t going to leave his mind for a while.

~*~

“Shit man, look at this lot.”

Niall stood in Louis’ music room, staring at the plaques adorning two walls of the large space. Louis felt proud whenever he looked at them, and he grinned at the new one on the wall Niall had just helped him to hang, a gold disc for a song he’d written last year that had hit number one and been a huge success for both Louis and the artist he’d written it for.

Among the collection were the platinum discs that  _ Drunk Words, Sober Thoughts _ had been awarded after the demise of the band, but they meant so much more to Louis than any of his songwriting awards ever would. They were truly personal, and whenever he was having a down day, he’d find himself in here, reminding himself of his accomplishments, that he wasn’t a failure, that he was successful, just in a different way now.

“Not so bad for a recluse, huh?” Louis mused, and Niall barged his shoulder, an angry expression on his face.

“Stop it, Lou. You’re so much more than that, don’t belittle yourself like that.”

“Well, it’s true. I write songs for other people under a different name, Ni. Not like I can tell the world I’m a success or anything, is it?”

“You should. I never got why you thought writing as William Austin was a good idea. You’ve got a good name, Tommo, and you’d have some clout in the industry if you used it.”

“Yeah, and I don’t want people feeling sorry for me, or finding out anything, Niall, you know that. I’d rather be out of the limelight than have everyone know what’s wrong with me.”

Niall looked at him, and when he stared at him like this, it felt like Niall was staring through to his soul. Louis knew Niall realised Louis meant he didn't want  _ Harry _ knowing what had happened to him, that the thought of that was more humiliating than the rest of the world finding out, but neither of them verbalised it, keeping the thoughts inside. 

“Yeah, well, it is what it is, right?” Louis mumbled, referencing the tattoo on his collarbones he’d had at the tender age of twenty, sure he knew the power behind such a philosophical saying. Really, though, he knew nothing, but it was still one of Louis’ favourite bits of ink on his body. “Come on, let’s go downstairs, I got some of those beers you liked delivered the other day.”

Niall rubbed his hands together gleefully. “Can always rely on you, Tommo.”

Clifford came and sat down next to Niall on the sofa as the pair chatted about Niall’s new music, the writing he’d been doing in America lately, and how his album was going down out there. Liam had yet to crack the American market but with his more country-influenced album, Niall was partway there and Louis’ chest puffed out in pride as he listened to Niall talk about his success, how he’d played a few shows in Nashville that had been picked up by the press and lauded.

After a few more beers each, the alcohol coursing through their veins thanks to a lack of food, Louis’ tongue was getting a bit looser, and he knew sooner or later he was going to bring up something that he’d kept pushed inside for the past few days, right to the back of his mind. 

“Did you know Harry’s making a comeback, Niall? That he’s starting again with his career?”

The way the blood drained from Niall’s face told Louis everything he needed to know in an instant. He scoffed, shaking his head as he downed the remainder of his drink, feeling betrayed in spite of the fact he knew it was irrational.

“And you didn't think to tell me? Oh cheers, mate, really appreciate that.”

“Lou, come on. I… I didn't know how to tell you, or if I even should. It’s a weird situation for us as well, you know that.”

“Be honest with me, Niall. Have you seen him? You and Li, I mean.”

“No! I promise, Louis, we wouldn’t do that without speaking to you first. We’ve not heard from him either, not since that day back when…” he tailed off, the words hung unsaid between them. They both knew what he meant. It didn't need saying. “He hasn’t tried to get in touch, not that I know of. Probably doesn’t want to. But… it’s nice to see he’s cleaned himself up, you know. I’m glad he didn't get lost in the drink and drugs, and Lou, I know you are too.”

“Well, course. He was my best mate, Ni. I didn't want him to fucking die coked up and choking on his own puke, I’m not like that.” Louis slammed his now empty bottle down and watched it wobble precariously before it found its balance, settling on the wooden surface. “I just… I  _ hate _ that he’s doing well, you know? Like, I don’t resent you and Li, not at all, don’t think that. But him? Part of me thinks he doesn’t deserve any of this because of what he did. I know that makes me a shitty person-”

“No, it makes you human, Lou.”

Louis smiled wryly and shook his head, disagreeing. “I’m bitter, Niall, even I know that. But seeing him again, looking good and dressed smart and stuff… it brought it all back and I hate that. I hate he still has some fucking power over me. He ruined my life, Niall, but…” He cut himself off, unable to finish his sentence.

“I know. I do, Louis, I get it. And how you’re feeling is normal, like… I think I’d want to kill him if I was in your position. I still kinda do, actually. But letting your hatred fester isn’t good for you. Let him get on with it. It’s not like you have to have anything to do with him, not now. Ignore what you see online, don’t seek him out. Focus on you and what you’re doing.” Niall paused, waggling his eyebrows at Louis comically, making him smile. “And me, of course, and my amazing inevitable future success.”

Louis kicked out, whacking Niall’s thigh with his foot, making the Irishman squeak in a rather unmanly fashion Louis knew Niall would later deny. 

“So bloody modest, aren’t you?”

“Why, of course, Tommo.” They both laughed at that, and Louis felt the tension in his shoulders melt away. He was grateful to Niall for always listening and understanding. Voicing his thoughts about Harry eased a burden that had been present since Nick had shown him the photos of Harry a few days ago.

“Another beer?”

“Ah, I shouldn’t-”

“But you will,” Louis finished with a grin, and Niall sent him a thumbs up as he walked across the room, Clifford looking up from where his head was sat in Niall’s lap in a lazy fashion. Somehow, Louis knew that it was all going to be okay as long as he had people like Niall in his life, keeping his head screwed on, and kept him from getting too bitter and twisted or lost in his own thoughts.

Niall hollered through the house, making Louis jump. “Oi, bring us some snacks, I’m starving!”

“You’re always bloody starving!” Louis yelled back and rolled his eyes as he grabbed a tube of Pringles and a packet of biscuits from the cupboard, ready to settle in for a long night of beers and snack with his best mate.

~*~

Louis was pottering around his garden the next day, tending to the flowers Jay had brought with her last time she’d visited. He’d promised her he would plant them in his garden, and he’d done so, pleased to see they were flowering happily in his little corner of nature. If you’d have told Louis just five years ago he’d been a gardener, nurturing his own little plants to bloom, he knew he’d have laughed in your face. But now, that was his reality, and somehow, he didn't mind.

His peace was interrupted by his phone trilling loudly from where he’d left it on the patio. He pulled off his gloves and walked up the grass barefoot, relishing the feel of the earth under his feet as he reached for the phone, frowning when he saw it was his manager calling.

“Jack, what can I do for you?” Louis asked as he answered the call, hearing the hustle bustle of the office in the background of the call. 

“ _ Louis, good to hear your voice, mate. How have you been?” _

“I’m good, don’t pretend you called just to find out how I am, though.” He lifted a glass of water to his lips and sipped at it as he listened to the man on the other end of the line.

_ “True, but it’s good to hear you’re doing well. To be honest, I’ve got a bit of a proposition for you, Lou. Something a bit out of your comfort zone.” _

Goosebumps went up on Louis’ arms at that, but he listened, deciding to hear out his manager. He was sure Jack wouldn’t suggest anything too out there, and what he was suggesting must be for the good of Louis’ career.

“Go on then, I’m listening.”

_ “Okay, so I know I normally do the vetting and shit like that when artists approach us about writing with you, but we’ve had someone get in touch with us about meeting you before they agree to anything. I think it could be a good opportunity, Louis.” _

“Why? What makes this artist different from anyone else?” Louis’ curiosity was piqued now, and he was keen to find out more.

_ “He’s pretty new to the industry, although he’s had a little previous success. But this time around, he’s doing something totally different. He wants to make sure he clicks with whoever he writes with, and he’s insistent about coming to meet you before they sign anything. Would you be up for that?” _

Louis went quiet for a moment, pondering the idea. He hated strangers coming to his home was the thing. It was his private space, only for those who knew him, but at the same time, Louis was too naturally nosy to not want to take this opportunity.

“Yeah, alright. Why not. Set it up and let me know the details, but give me at least a week to get my head around it, okay? Will they be coming alone?”

_ “Yeah, their manager says they’re happy coming on their own, if you’re okay with that? I can drive down and sit in if needs be?” _

“Nah, Nick’s around if I feel out of my depth. Email me when you’ve sorted everything out. Thanks for calling, Jack.”

_ “No worries, Louis. Oh, well done on that new one by the way, heard the demo the other day and it’s fucking brilliant as always.” _

Louis blushed as Jack complimented him, never one to take compliments too easily. They ended the call and Louis slumped down onto a chair, dangling his arm over the side so he could stroke Clifford’s soft ears, looking out over the tranquil countryside. Maybe it was time to finally open up his life to more people. It had been five long years of solitude, and Louis finally felt ready to start making some positive changes. 

“Worth a try, right Cliff? Might as well give it a go.” 


	7. Chapter 7

Louis flicked off the hoover and stood back surveying the room. He frowned, seeing another bundle of dust settling in the corner of the room. He’d been up at six this morning readying himself for the arrival of his unknown visitor, and he hadn’t stopped cleaning since breakfast. He’d washed up and then mopped the kitchen floor, cleaned the windows and then moved onto the rest of the house. The hoover had barely stopped, and Louis was sure he was sweaty and that he stank, but his priority was making sure the house was ready for visitors.

He grabbed the appliance again, turning it on and muttering under his breath about ‘the damned dog, shedding stupid hair everywhere’ as he pushed the hoover around once more, determined it would be as spick and span as it could be. It wasn’t that Louis lived in a hellhole. Far from it. But he never had visitors. Especially people who weren’t either related to him or, well, Nick, so he had a sudden fear of people judging his home, and by extension, him. 

Louis leaned over and checked under the bed, pleased to see he could see straight through to the other side, meaning it was tidy. He knew how utterly ridiculous it was that he was worried about not only the cleanliness of his bedroom, let alone under the bed, but it had to be perfect. This mattered more to Louis than he ever realised, and he so badly wanted it to go well. Chances are this person wouldn’t make it out of Louis’ living room, but he knew he’d feel calmer if he knew the entire house was ready. 

There was a ring at the doorbell and Louis froze, his heart sinking.

“Shit, shit, shit,” he mumbled, looking to the little clock on his bedside table which told him his guest was over an hour early. He quickly unplugged the hoover and ran out of the room, slamming his door behind him as he smoothed down his shirt, realising there was nothing he could do about his outfit now. He put a hand on the handle and took in a breath, holding it as he pulled it open.

“Oh fucking hell Nick, I thought you were the guy I was meeting.”

Louis sighed in relief at the same time as glaring at his friend for putting him in that position. Nick shrugged and stepped in, and Louis immediately had nightmares about muddy boots being trampled through his sparkling clean hallway.

“And you can take those fucking boots off as well, I’ve literally spent all morning cleaning in here-”

“Alright, chill out, Louis!” Nick called as he left his boots on the doormat. He followed him through to the kitchen as Louis ran a glass of water, downing the majority of it before he rinsed the glass, leaving it on the draining board. “I’d ask how you were feeling about today but I’m not sure I need to…”

“I’m fine, I’m just… stress cleaning,” Louis mumbled, cheeks flaming at his admission. He placed his hands on the worktop and looked at his friend, wishing he felt as calm as Nick looked. “What do you want then, Nick?”

“Just wanted to check you were okay, that you didn't need anything.”

Louis smiled, grateful to have a friend that cared so much for him. “Yeah, I’m alright. I mean, I’m nervous but that’s normal, right?”

“Yeah, I guess. Can’t say I clean my whole house when I have someone over though.”

“No, you don’t need to tell me, I’m well aware,” Louis joked, and laughed when Nick gave him the middle finger. “But thanks, I appreciate it.”

Nick just nodded, reaching down to stroke Clifford who had come sloping in. They made idle chat for a few more minutes until Louis realised he was losing precious cleaning time and decided to be a little rude for once and get rid of Nick.

“Look, as much as I appreciate you coming here, I don’t need you to hold my hand,” Louis began, fiddling nervously with the hem of his scruffy old t-shirt. “I can do this… I  _ have _ to do this.”

Nick smiled and took a step closer, resting a hand on Louis’ shoulder. “I know, I just wanted to check in. You know where I am if you need me, though, yeah?”

“I do.” Louis smiled softly at this friend, finding it a little difficult to meet Nick’s eyes. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, mate. I’ll leave you to it. Good luck. Shall I come round later? Beers and pizza?”

“Sounds like a plan. I’ll text you when this person’s gone and the coast is clear.” Louis followed Nick out of the kitchen and down to the front door, happy that his mate hadn’t taken offence to his question. As he waved goodbye to Nick, Louis couldn’t help but see a large blue four by four car driving slowly down the lane, and he quickly slammed the door shut, sprinting upstairs to the bathroom.

He made quick work of showering, not bothering to dry his hair with the hairdryer since time was ticking away too quickly for his liking. He’d just done up the final button on his deep blue shirt when the doorbell rang, and for the second time in just under an hour, Louis froze, blinking at his reflection in the mirror. He grabbed his cologne, splashing a little onto his cheeks before he sprinted down the stairs. He could see someone’s reflection through the mottled glass in his front door, and he looked down at himself, making sure he was ready. With a deep breath, he finally opened the door.

What he saw made the bottom sink out of his world. It was the last person in the world Louis ever expected to see again, but there he was, on his doorstep. He looked exactly like he did in the pictures Louis had seen just a few days ago online. He looked familiar, yet at the same time, he was a complete stranger. Louis gulped, praying he wouldn’t notice that he was sweating or that his heart was racing in his chest. His mouth had gone completely dry, and Louis wanted to wipe his sweaty palms on his jeans, but he knew that would give his nerves away.

Louis grabbed the door handle and shoved it shut, the door slamming, the noise echoing throughout the hallway.

Louis grabbed at his hair with his fists, not quite knowing what to do. “Fuck.”

There was silence for a moment, and Louis saw that the figure through the glass wasn’t moving. His doorbell rang again, and Louis rested his forehead on the cool wood of the door, trying to decide what to do. In a fit of madness, he yanked the door open again, seeing that he wasn’t mistaken. He really was standing there, looking at Louis like he was as confused as Louis was.

“Shit, Louis… you’re William Austin?”

Louis could do nothing but nod, wishing the ground would open up and swallow him whole. He quickly licked his lips, willing his brain to come up with something creative to say, something that would show this whole situation wasn’t affecting him in the slightest.

“You look good, Harry.”

That was  _ not  _ what Louis was expecting to tumble out of his mouth, but nonetheless, the words were out there, and Louis couldn’t take them back. Harry gave him a small smile, and Louis just stood, staring in disbelief, still not quite comprehending the fact Harry Styles was standing on his doorstep after five long years of estrangement. It was bizarre.

Harry decided to break the silence. “So can I, uh, come in?”

Louis shrugged, not sure what to do. “I don’t know yet.”

“That’s fair enough.”

They still didn’t speak, not properly. Louis just took in the sight that was Harry Styles in front of him. He was wearing a floral shirt, something the old Harry wouldn’t have been caught dead in, and it was undone enough in the front Louis could see the tattoos that were once as familiar as his own were to him, tattoos his tongue and fingers had traced numerous times, tattoos he’d sucked love bites into. Harry’s hair was soft atop his head, and annoyingly, Louis almost wanted to run his fingers through it and see if it was as soft as it used to be, or whether that had changed as well. It was a bit discombobulating to see Harry like this. He was the Harry Louis once knew but at the same time, Louis knew that he didn’t know this Harry at all.

Without a word, Louis stepped back and opened the door fully, looking down at the floor as Harry finally stepped inside. He kicked off his leather boots, leaving them neatly next to Louis’ own pairs of trainers, and Louis shook his head. That definitely wasn’t something the old Harry would have done in a million years.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“’S polite,” Harry replied quietly, clearly struggling as much as Louis was.

The sound of claws on the floor broke the silence a bit more, and Louis turned to look as Clifford slowly walked up to the pair of them. The most interesting thing though was how Harry visibly shrank back, bothered by the appearance of Louis’ best friend. He pushed himself up against the wall, and Louis immediately took pity on him, stopping Clifford by his feet and making him sit before petting him, talking quietly.

“Sorry, I forgot you didn’t like dogs. This is Clifford, he’s a big softie. I promise he won’t hurt you.”

Louis didn’t expect for Harry to bravely take a step forward, tentatively reaching out and stroking Clifford between the ears. Being the big teddy bear that he was, Clifford just took it, pushing his head into Harry’s hand, making a small smile develop on the man’s face. Louis felt a sensation of pride towards Clifford flare up inside him, and they stayed there until Clifford got bored, eventually heading back to his bed.

“Do you want a drink or anything?”

“Tea would be lovely, thank you, Louis.”

Louis just nodded and led the way to the kitchen, aware Harry would be following him. He quietly lifted two mugs from the cupboard and filled the kettle, preparing the tea quickly and quietly.

“You have a lovely home. How long have you been here?”

“Nearly five years now,” Louis replied, eyes flitting around the room quickly to make sure nothing was out of place. Not that there could possibly be after his cleaning fit from earlier, but still, it didn’t hurt to check. “I like it. I’m happy here.”

“I’m glad to hear it.”

Louis set about making the tea, not thinking as he went through the motions that were as familiar to him as breathing. Without a word, he handed Harry a mug, watching nervously over the rim of his own cup as Harry sipped it, a small smile crossing his lips when he swallowed the liquid down.

“You didn’t forget how I like my tea.”

“I didn’t forget a damned thing, Harry. I couldn’t.”

“Oh, uh, right.”

It was awkward again for a moment, so Louis left the room, heading for his sitting room. He sat down in his armchair, making sure Harry couldn’t sit too near him. It was enough for them both to be in the same room at the moment, he wasn’t sure he couldn’t handle any sort of physical contact with him just yet. Not until they’d at least had a chance to talk. Louis kept sipping his tea as Harry did the same, Louis’ mind whirring at a hundred miles an hour, wondering what to do. Part of him wanted to call Nick, to get him here and diffuse the tension, but at the same time, he wanted it to stay like this, to finally get to talk to Harry the way he hadn’t been able to for the past five years. Not since everything had happened.

“Louis, I swear I had no idea it was you I was meeting. My manager Jeff, he arranged all this with your team. He knew of your work with Ed Sheeran and Snow Patrol and stuff and thought it might suit the new sound I was working on. I’ve had a few demos done but there’s nothing that’s really felt like me just yet, which is why I was looking to meet some songwriters this time around, see if I got a good vibe from them.”

Louis just nodded, Harry’s words a jumble in his brain. He spoke how he used to; slowly and steadily, like he was considering every word that fell from his lips. “Right. Sounds like a plan.”

“Yeah, I guess so. Well, you’re the first person I was meant to meet, and I was listening to some of the stuff you wrote on the way here, actually. It’s really good, Louis. I mean, I know you were always a good writer, but some of the stuff is on another level. I think that it’s the sort of thing-“

“Why didn’t you call me, Harry?”

Harry blanched, eyes widening as he stumbled over his next words. “I… what?”

“You never called. You never texted me. Why didn’t you bother?”

Harry just gaped at him, and Louis noticed his hand start to shake where he was holding his tea, but he didn’t care. Finally, he was getting the chance to ask the questions that had been stuck in his mind for too long, and he wanted answers, no matter what. He wasn’t letting Harry go until he found out what he needed to know. When he next spoke, his voice was low and dangerous, and he leaned forwards slightly, setting his cup on the coffee table before he spoke again.

“Do you have  _ any idea _ what I’ve been through because of you?”

Harry just shook his head, biting his lip. His cheeks were red and Louis almost felt sorry for him. Still, he kept his posture straight, and he stared at Harry, willing him to finally answer, to say something. Anything.

“I couldn’t, Lou.”

The way his name sounded coming from Harry’s lips like that threw Louis entirely. It was like time had stopped, and he’d gone back five years. It was like nothing had happened, and they were back where they used to be; in the band, best mates, lovers again. Louis swallowed, willing himself to stay in the present, to not drift back to the past. Nothing good could come of that, that much he knew.

“I couldn’t, and I know that sounds pathetic, but I couldn’t. I was so scared, I was… I was horrified by what I’d done. I just… I ran away. It was wrong, and stupid, but-“

Louis scoffed, shaking his head, anger flooding his veins now at Harry’s barrage of excuses. “You know what? That’s just not good enough, Harry, not now. Not after five fucking years of radio silence from the person I once thought was my best friend.”

He watched Harry visibly wince at those words, and felt glad that he’d hurt him, that his words were hitting home with Harry.

“Louis, I… I know saying sorry isn’t going to help-“

“No, it’s not.”

“I know that, which is why I won’t say it, but I want you to know I am sorry. It was… it was the fucking worst moment of my life, do you know that? I thought… I thought I’d fucking killed you, Lou.”

~*~

_ Harry blinked, trying to make sense of the situation. Anger was pulsing through his veins, and the alcohol he’d drunk all morning was giving him a confidence he didn’t usually possess. All he knew was that he wanted to hurt Louis with his words, but when Louis grabbed his wrist, the red mist descended again and Harry just felt full of rage. _

_ “Get your fucking hands off me-“ _

_ “No, you need to get the fuck out of here-“ _

_ “No, fuck you, Louis!” _

_ Harry ripped his hand away, clocking Louis’ shocked expression for a moment before something took over. He stared at the man he loved, the man he thought was his best friend, and he realised in that moment that Louis hated him. He hated who he had become and it hurt. He lashed out, hands coming up to shove at Louis’ shoulders, making him stumble back. _

_ He watched as Louis’ arms pinwheeled, trying to keep his balance but Harry knew it was too late. He watched as Louis stumbled backwards before a loud crack filled the room. Harry just stood and watched as Louis landed awkwardly on the floor, his head bouncing from the wooden beams underneath him. Harry was a bit stunned, unable to believe what had just happened. _

_ The room fell silent. Harry stared, hands starting to shake as blood began to pool under Louis’ head, seeping into the grooves of the floorboards. But worst of all, Louis wasn’t moving. Harry tried to stare at his chest, to see if there was any rise and fall of his rib cage but he couldn’t focus. His head was a whirlwind of noise and confusion and panic, and he couldn’t take it anymore. _

_ As his friends neared Louis’ body, Louis’ dead body, Harry ran. He ran for the door and wrenched it open, ignoring the bang it made as he left, determined to get as far away as he could. He’d killed his best friend, and fuck. Louis was dead, because of him. Harry burst out of the main doors in a fit of blindness and stumbled towards where he’d left his car. He felt in his pockets for his keys, blood draining from his face when he realised he’d left them inside. _

_ “Fuck! Shit!”  _

_ He kicked out, the toe of his boot slamming against the tyre and instead of waiting, he ran. His feet pounded the pavement as he ran in any direction, eager to just get away from where he was. Louis was dead, and it was his fault. Harry didn’t know where he was going. He was crying, tears and sweat were dripping down his face, and he knew people were looking at him as he barged his way through the crowds, desperate to work out where he was, how he could get home, get away from this shitty reality he was in. _

_ His veins throbbed with a need to take something, to get high again to take away the fear, the pain, and he pulled his iPhone out of his pocket, fumbling with the glass screen before he dropped it, stumbling to pick it up. _

_ “Fucking hell,” he muttered when he saw the screen was smashed, and hit a contact, someone he needed at that moment. He put the phone to his ear, panting as he leaned against a brick wall, praying he’d pick up the call. “Jed… fuck. No I’m not okay, I… can you sort me out? No, double the usual. You at your place? Be there in a bit.” _

_ Harry’s hands trembled as he ended the call, and he oriented himself for a minute, working out how to get where he needed to be. All that mattered right now was getting to Jed, and getting the good stuff back into his system, letting it numb everything. Harry needed to forget, and this was the best way. This was the only way. _

_ ~*~ _

_ It didn’t get better, was the thing. Harry became to be more reliant on drugs, shooting up every single day until his veins were so shot, he physically couldn’t do it anymore. He’d all but moved in with Jed, his iPhone lying smashed and dead in the corner of the room. It had been weeks since he’d turned it on but Harry didn’t care. He only needed Jed, his fix, and the beers that seemed to be on tap while he was here. He wasn’t interested in food, not at all. He just threw up anything he ate anyway, and the high the drugs gave him was enough to get him by. _

_ Harry didn’t bother to check the papers or the internet. He didn’t want to know what had happened now Louis was dead. Part of him felt guilty he’d never gone to his funeral, that he hadn’t had a chance to say goodbye, but then the pain would hit. The guilt would consume him and Harry would beg Jed for something to make the pain go away, to make him stop feeling anything. Jed did as he asked, drawing yet more cash from Harry’s rapidly dwindling bank account to fund everything he was taking, but Harry didn’t care. Every penny he spent was worth it if he stopped hurting.  _

_ It carried on like this until one morning, a few weeks later, Harry woke up in his own bed, a puddle of vomit drying on the bed next to him. He cringed and got up, stumbling through to his bathroom to use the toilet, but he froze as he heard his front door opening. _

_ “Harry? Fucking hell…” _

_ Harry rolled his eyes when he realised it was his nosy sister, and he groaned, wishing she’d just go away. She was the last person he wanted to see at the moment, and he ignored her still calling out his name. He finally emerged from the bathroom to see her stood opposite the doorway, arms folded over her chest, a thunderous expression on her face. _

_ “What the fuck do you think you’re playing at?” _

_ “Fuck off, Gemma,” Harry muttered, walking past her, blinking and trying to focus his vision. All he knew in that moment was that he needed something, and that something was sat on his bedside table. He knew his sister was following him but he couldn’t give a shit. _

_ “Do you know what you’re doing to Mum? She thinks she’s going to wake up one morning and find out that you’re dead. How can you do that to her, Harry?” _

_ “‘S’no different from what I did to Louis.”  _

_ Harry reached for the little bag of tablets on his bedside but jumped when Gemma smacked his hand, the little bag tumbling to the floor, tablets scattering everywhere.  _

_ “You stupid cow-” _

_ “Do not speak to me like that, Harry. You need to sort yourself out. And Louis’ not dead. He’s not good, but he’s not dead. Liam’s been in contact, they’re worried about you, they haven’t heard from you…” _

_ “Don’t pretend they give a fuck, Gem. They’re all better off without me, so are you and Mum.” _

_ “Give your shitty fucking pity party a rest, little bro. It’s pathetic. You’re a fucking drug addict and you need to sort it out and get your arse to rehab.” _

_ Harry winced at her rough tone and ignored her, popping a tablet on his tongue and swallowing it down with the glass of stale water on his bedside table. He knew it wouldn’t take long for the tablets to take effect, and he waited for the buzz to hit his veins.  _

_ Gemma disappeared for a few minutes, returning with a plate of buttered toast and a cup of tea. Harry frowned at it, shaking his head before Gemma pushed him back onto the bed, forcing the plate on his lap and the tea into his hand. _

_ “Eat, Haz. You’re so thin… when was the last time you ate anything?” _

_ Harry shrugged, realising he probably hadn’t had a proper meal in weeks. Since the accident with Louis, everything had been a blur, and the last thing he’d thought about was eating. _

_ “Mum’s in bits, you know that, right? You’re her baby, Haz, this is killing her. Will you… will you get help? For her?” _

_ Harry shrugged, finally lifting a piece of toast to his lips, smelling it before he bit down, his taste buds assaulted with the flavours.  _

_ “Please. She can’t lose you, Harry, it’ll ruin her.”  _

_ Gemma sniffed, and Harry was startled to see a tear trailing down her cheek, hanging off the end of her chin before it fell into her lap. He’d done that. He’d made his sister cry because he was a useless brother, someone who couldn’t even take care of himself. _

_ He sat quietly as he ate, nibbling on the toast until it was all gone. He nursed the hot mug between his shaking hands, wishing the trembling would stop. Finally, he looked up, blinking as he looked at his sister, what an emotional mess she was because of him. _

_ “Gemma?” _

_ “What is it, Haz?” Gemma sounded weary, like she was dreading any words coming out of Harry’s mouth, and in that moment, Harry had never hated himself more. _

_ “I think I need help.” _

_ ~*~ _

“I… do you want me to feel  _ sorry  _ for you or something?” Louis asked, anger coursing through his veins as Harry delivered his sob story. Somehow, Harry was already turning this back on himself and making out like he had had a tough time of it. Louis was angry. Nobody had forced the alcohol or drugs into Harry’s system, he’d done that himself. He had full control of his situation unlike Louis, who’d had all of his choices ripped away from him because of one selfish action. “I can’t believe you…”

“No! No, that’s not what- god, Louis, I’m just trying to fill in some of the gaps, to make you see-”

Louis clenched his hands into fists on his lap, trying to keep himself from yelling, knowing it wouldn’t help anything if he got too worked up. The doctors had warned him about that too many times for him to have forgotten. “Make me see what? That you’re as selfish as you always were, Harry? That really, you’ve always been number one to you, and that’s how it’s always going to be?”

“Louis, I’m sorry, I-”

“Sorry for what? Fucking up? Hurting me? Ruining my life?”

There was a pause for a moment as Harry stopped talking, clearly trying to work out what to say to salvage the situation that was rapidly descending into a disaster.

His voice was so soft as he spoke next, Louis had to strain to hear him. “What did I do to you, Lou?”

Louis let out a long, slow breath, wondering how much to divulge to Harry. Just as he was about to speak, Harry cut in again, speaking quietly.

“I tried to find out, once I got clean, I mean. But… I’d lost touch with the boys, and I couldn’t ask Gemma to find out for me. I wasn’t sure if you’d want me to know, and I didn't want to call your mum or anything. I was sure she’d hate me.”

Louis couldn’t resist scoffing at that, shaking his head. Of course Jay hated him, but at the same time, he knew she would have always answered Harry’s call had he bothered to get in touch.

“So you did care then? About what you did to me, I mean?”

There was a quiet pause as Harry looked down at his feet, talking down to the carpet. 

“I never stopped caring, Louis. Not ever. Not about you.”

That was enough for Louis. It was one thing that he’d never heard a peep from Harry since he’d hurt him, but now he was making out like he truly cared about Louis, about his well being. Louis pushed up from the chair and stalked out of the room, taking the stairs two at a time as he stormed into his bedroom, grabbing his pill bottles in his hands. He was seeing red, and ran as quickly down the stairs, back into the sitting room, Harry perched on the edge of the sofa, looking unsure.

Louis took one bottle in his hand and arched his arm back, launching the bottle at Harry’s chest. The man looked shocked as the small bottle collided with his chest, clattering to the floor with a loud noise. Louis carried on throwing the bottles at him, Harry not bothering to deflect each one that made contact with his body as Louis yelled, finally releasing every angry word and thought into the air.

“This! This is what you fucking did to me, Harry! You fucked up my whole life! This is my shitty life now because. Of. You.” He punctuated the last few words with throwing the last few bottles at Harry, and exhaled when he was done, not bothering to sit down.

Harry stared and leaned down, picking up a few bottles, frowning as he read the complicated names on the bottles, trying to make sense of what was going on. When all the bottles were sat in his lap, he looked up at Louis, eyes glassy with tears. His voice cracked as he spoke. 

“Louis, what did I…what have I done? What have I done to you?”

Louis swallowed, suddenly realising he was finally going to admit to Harry what he’d done to him, after all this time. It felt like a lot, and Louis took in a breath, sitting down before he spoke again.

“When I hit my head on the amp… I got a brain injury, Harry. The doctors weren’t sure if it would sort itself out but it didn't. I’ve got epilepsy, Harry. These meds are what I have to take every day to control my seizures. It’s why I had to give up the band.”

Harry had gone visibly pale now, and sat staring at Louis, as if he was looking for some outward sign of what was going on.

“Do you have any idea how hard that was? To tell the boys that I had to leave the band because I couldn’t be on stage anymore? The lights and stuff were too much for me, and they told me I’d seize on stage if I risked it. So I had to leave. I had to adjust to having my whole life changed in an instant. I had to give up everything I loved because of this. Because of you.”

Silence fell again, and Louis didn't let his stare move from Harry. His cheeks had gone pink, he was chewing on his bottom lip and his eyes were still fixed on the plethora of pill bottles in his lap, reading over and over the convoluted medical names on the labels.

“Oh god, Louis. If I’d have known-”

“What? If you’d have known what, Harry?”

“I don’t know, I-”

“You’d have what? You’d have loved me back? Come back like a knight in shining armour to take care of me? Turned back time? Not ruined my life? What, exactly, would you have done?”

Harry just fish mouthed for a moment and Louis couldn’t stop, words of anger and hatred flowing from him.

“You ruined my fucking life, Harry. You stopped me living my dream because you’re a selfish bastard who couldn’t keep himself clean for five fucking minutes. You took away my independence, my freedom, my choices, Harry. And I hate you for that, I hate you!”

As he spat out the final words, Louis felt all of the fight go out of him. He slumped back into the chair, his heart racing his chest, his head beginning to swim. It was a familiar feeling, and one Louis didn't like. He looked up, finally meeting Harry’s gaze for the first time in a while.

“Out of everyone in my life, Harry, I never thought you’d be the one to hurt me. Not like this.”

Harry’s bottom lip trembled and he reached out to touch Louis’ leg but Louis flinched away, moving out of arm’s reach. He didn't want any contact with Harry. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if they touched again.

“Get out, Harry.”

“Louis, no, I-”

“Get. Out.”

“Please-”

“Fucking GET OUT! I never want to see you again, Harry. Get the fuck out of my house.”

Harry nodded and quickly piled the pill bottles onto the coffee table, tears apparent in his eyes now. “I’m so sorry, Louis, I’m so, so sorry-”

Clifford padded into the room then, and Louis looked up, aware the shouting would have upset Clifford’s sensitive ears. Clifford nuzzled into Louis as Harry stood, hurrying into the hallway. Louis followed after a moment, wanting to make sure Harry was truly gone. He didn't speak as Harry shrugged on his coat and opened the front door.

“I really am sorry, Louis. You’ll never know sorry I am.”

“Just go.”

Harry nodded and blinked, a tear falling before he turned and walked out of Louis’ house, out of Louis’ life. Louis took a few steps to the front door, slamming it shut, leaning his forehead against the cool wood for a moment. Slowly, he let his emotions take over, tears flowing down his cheeks as he finally allowed himself to cry, shaking as he turned around, slumping against the door and sliding to the floor, crying loudly now. Clifford whined at seeing Louis in such distress but Louis couldn’t bring himself to care.

After a few minutes, he shoved his shaking hand into his pocket, fumbling with his phone, using his shortcuts to call the person he needed right then, the one person apart from his mum he trusted to come and help him. He was panicking, and he gulped for air, knowing he was losing control. He put the phone on speaker, and tried to focus his breathing.

“ _ Hello?” _

“Nick - help… need help-”

“ _ Shit, Louis, I’m coming, just hold on… _ ”


	8. Chapter 8

“So he just rocked up like the past five years had never happened?” Niall asked, accepting the beer Louis had fetched from his fridge. Louis could feel Liam’s eyes boring into him from across the room, and he sighed, wondering how to answer.

“Well, I mean, he didn’t know it was me,” Louis admitted, for some reason keen to not place all the blame at Harry’s door. “My management only put my pseudonym out there, so he knew he was meeting William Austin. He had no idea that it was me.”

Liam nodded quietly, and Louis knew he was letting it all sink in before he passed comment, which he was grateful for. Liam was always the most pragmatic of the group, and while Niall had been quite vocal about his annoyance at Harry for remerging in Louis’ life, Liam had been a bit more contemplative about it, understanding that really it was a coincidence that Harry had come back into their lives rather than some premeditated thing that Niall seemed to believe it was.

Louis met Liam’s eyes for a moment, and he knew he had questions. Louis nodded slightly, telling Liam it was okay to ask. “So… how was he?”

Louis sighed, pulling a cushion out from behind him and holding it against his tummy, a defensive thing he always did when confronting something he’d rather not talk about. “He was well. He’s clearly totally clean which was good to see. I mean… he’s still Harry from what I could see, but like… I didn’t know him. At all. It was really weird.”

Liam nodded knowingly and stayed quiet for a minute while Niall played on his phone, trying to keep his emotions in check. If Louis was honest, he hadn’t put enough thought into how much this was going to affect his former bandmates. They were close with Harry as well, and his sudden reappearance in Louis’ life was clearly going to have repercussions that extended past the effect on just Louis. Niall was definitely more upset than he was letting on, and he knew Liam would be keeping all of his feelings bottled up inside for now, even if he was struggling too.

“What did the prick say about five years ago then? What he did to you?”

“He didn’t know,” Louis admitted, fiddling with a tassel on the corner of the cushion. It felt like a relief to finally be talking about this, and he just hoped his friends would believe the things he was saying. “He’s not been in touch with anyone about me, so he had no idea about my epilepsy or anything. I kind of lost it at him yesterday-“

“Good-“

Louis watched as Liam leaned across, resting a hand on Niall’s thigh. “Niall, let Lou speak.”

“Sorry, mate.”

“S’ok Ni. But anyway. I lost it when he asked me what had happened. I got all my pills and threw that at him, yelling at him and blaming him for the fact I had to take them. To be fair to him, he looked shell-shocked. I really think he didn’t have any clue about how bad things were for me. He sounded like he was a right mess too, deep into alcohol and drugs. Gem was the one who had to get him out of it before…” Louis tailed off, knowing he didn’t need to detail the end of that sentence. It was something they’d all thought about in relation to Harry too many times, and Louis was glad he didn’t have to worry about that now.

“Well, he needed to know about it, Lou, and he needs to take some responsibility. Maybe he needed to see you at rock bottom to see what he really did, you know? He did just run away and leave us all to pick up the pieces- no, Li, it’s true. He hurt Lou, and then he fucked off, and why? Because he got scared? That’s a piss poor excuse, and you know it.”

It had been a while since Louis had seen Niall get this angry about Harry and the accident all those years ago, and he sort of hated himself for bringing it all up again, reopening the wounds that had just started to heal over once more. Louis knew it was a work in progress for them all, that they still struggled at times with it, but for the most part, they’d all moved through it and Harry coming back in their lives out of the blue had just started the process all over again. It wasn’t something Louis relished at all.

“How did you leave it then? Are you seeing him again?”

“I dunno, Li. I kicked him out. I got really upset when he tried to apologise, and I told him to leave. He did, because he could see how upset and worked up I was, and when he left, I ended up calling Nick to come over cos I was…” Louis blushed, wishing he didn’t have to admit this. “I was having a panic attack, I think. It all just got too much for me.”

“Hey, don’t be ashamed, Lou. We get it. Harry turning up was a lot anyway, let alone you having to relive everything that happened. Give yourself a break, yeah? I’m just sorry we couldn’t be here for you, but I’m glad you had Nick to call on. As much as I think he’s a bit of a weirdo, he’s always got your back and Li and I appreciate that, especially cos we’re away so much.”

Louis nodded, smiling slightly at his best friends. Neither of them particularly understood his friendship with Nick, preferring to stay out of it as they hadn’t clicked with Nick as Louis had. Liam, though, was always grateful for Nick’s presence in Louis’ life, and now it seemed Niall was too. That thought made Louis smile.

“Yeah, he’s a good mate. I don’t know why you don’t like him so much, Ni, but he’s always there when I need someone. Maybe it’s because he didn’t know me before or something, but it’s easy to talk to him. He knows how I feel about Harry and what happened there, but he doesn’t judge. He just listens and tries to understand.”

They sat quietly for a little while, nursing their drinks. Clifford jumped up onto the sofa between Liam and Niall, the latter stroking calmly over the dog’s silky ears for a while until he was sound asleep again, head on Niall’s thigh. Louis always felt at peace when his boys were with him, and he was grateful they’d dropped everything to come round after his meltdown with Nick and subsequent FaceTime with both Liam and Niall in the small hours of the morning.

“I do think I need to see him again, though.”

“Louis, please-“

“Niall, I know mate, I do. But I need to do this. I didn’t get any kind of closure yesterday and I think I need some. I need to finally say my piece and let him go out of my life for good. I get that you probably don’t agree with that, but this is what I need to do for me.”

Liam nodded. “Do you want us to be there for support?”

Louis shook his head, still smiling gratefully. “I don’t think so. But thank you for offering. I think I need to do this alone. I mean, I won’t be so blindsided by him this time, so it might be a bit easier. All I know now is I don’t think I can work with him, and I want to be able to tell him that face to face, not wimp out and do it through my team. It’s just something I need to do for myself.”

His eyes flitted between his two best friends, trying to work out their reaction to everything. He could see from Liam’s body language that he was a bit more resigned to Louis’ announcement than Niall was, but Louis wasn’t surprised. It was a lot for the pair of them to take in, and they had as much right to their opinions on the matter as Louis did. It didn’t mean it was going to affect Louis’ decision in any way but he always respected their thoughts.

“Well, I know you Tommo, and once your mind is made up, there’s not a lot we can do to change it. Just…” Niall looked over, concern etched into his features. “Just be careful, yeah? Don’t let him try and sneak back into your life or talk you around. He was a shit back then, and he’s probably just as big a shit now.”

Louis chuckled softly at Niall’s words and nodded, silently agreeing with his friend. “I’ll be careful, Ni, I promise. Now, who wants to watch a movie?”

“I’ve seen all the movies,” Niall quipped, trying to shift his leg without dislodging Clifford from his comfortable position.

“You’ve seen  _ all  _ the movies?” Louis deadpanned back, staring at Niall.

“That is correct,” Niall replied, and Liam just laughed, sitting quietly and letting the two of them sort it out. Somehow, Louis knew that with his best friends by his side, it would all be okay.

~*~

The next morning, Louis was sat on his patio on a wooden chair, watching with an amused expression as Clifford leapt around the lawn, chasing a poor butterfly around. He never seemed to get anywhere near it but was never deterred, and Louis found it amusing to watch him dart around the garden all excited. He wasn’t a very demonstrative dog, so Louis always liked when Clifford was happy with something. It made Louis feel like he wasn’t giving him such a bad life after all.

For what felt like the tenth time that day, Louis picked up his iPhone and pulled up the contact for his management team, finger hovering over the call button before he chickened out, setting it face down on the table again. Every time he contemplated making the call, his heart raced, and he felt nauseous, which didn’t bode well for the second call he’d have to make later in the day.

Louis was the master of procrastination. It was something he’d nurtured over the years, much to the frustration of his family and friends at times. That morning alone, he’d already washed his car, weeded the flowerbeds, changed all the beds in the house, put the washing in and hung it on the line, and had prepared dinner for tonight, leaving it in the fridge. It was most unlike Louis, and he knew he’d only done all of these things to put off the inevitable.

Realising that nothing bad was going to happen if he called his team, he hurriedly picked up the phone and hit the green call button before he could change his mind, rubbing his sweaty palm on the leg of his jean shorts so he wouldn’t drop and smash his new phone. There was silence for a moment as the call was answered, and Louis held his breath, readying himself to speak.

“ _ Good afternoon, Tune In  Management, how may I help you?” _

“Hi, could I be put through to Jack Moss’ office please?”

“ _ Certainly, may I ask who’s calling?” _

Louis stumbled for a moment. He always had to think twice about which name to give when he called in, and decided on his pseudonym, just in case the receptionist couldn’t be trusted.

“It’s William Austin.”

“ _ Hold the line, please.” _

Louis released a breath as the phone beeped, telling him he’d been put on hold. Some god awful tinny song played in the background as he waited, laughing as Clifford tried to jump in the air and catch the butterfly, failing miserably. He whined and sloped back over to Louis, laying down in a patch of shade at his owner’s feet. 

“ _ Louis, hi, good to talk to you. _ ”

“Hi, Jack, good to talk to you, too. Is now a good time?”

“ _ Of course it is, not a problem. How did the meeting with the artist go yesterday? _ ”

“Well, that’s sort of why I’m calling you,” Louis admitted, suddenly feeling nervous. He realised he didn't want to admit the whole story to Jack just yet, and paused for a moment, wondering how to approach this without seeming like a mess. “It didn't go so well, if I’m being entirely honest. It actually turned it out that the guy I was meeting was… someone from my past. It didn't end so well the last time we met, and sadly it didn't end well yesterday either.”

“ _ Oh, I’m really sorry to hear that, Louis. Is there anything I can do to help? _ ”

“Yeah, actually, there is. They left yesterday before we even had a chance to talk about work, which was unfortunate. However, now the dust has settled a bit and I’m more composed, I’d like to talk to them more, to see if we can work something out.” Louis didn't feel it was a good idea to say he wouldn’t songwrite for Harry Styles until hell froze over, so he thought making it sound like a possibility was the best way to get the ball rolling with what he wanted.

“ _ Okay, so you wanted the number for their management or… _ ”

“Or just their number would be good, I don’t mind contacting them directly,” Louis mused, hoping his nerves weren’t too obvious, or that his voice wasn’t too shaky. “It’s our issue to sort out, so I’d rather do it myself if you don’t mind, save you the hassle, too.”

“Alright, Louis. I don’t have it on file but what I’ll do is I’ll get one of the team to send an email through to the original people who got in contact with us, and ask that it be passed on to you. Is that okay?”

“Sounds great. Thanks a lot, Jack, I really appreciate it.”

“No worries. Any new songs on the horizon?”

They talked for a little while about a couple of ideas Louis had had for artists he’d worked with before, and Louis was glad Jack was happy with the work he’d done so far. Songwriting was definitely something Louis loved to do, and the fact a lot of his material had been so successful was a real boost to his confidence. Sometimes, he felt a little sad he wasn’t able to release the songs himself, but being part of the industry in some way was better than not being part of it at all.

The call ended when Jack had to go into a meeting, and he promised Louis he’d be in touch soon with the number he needed. What Louis didn't expect was an email to ping into his inbox just ten minutes later with Harry’s email address and phone number there in black and white. Louis just stared at it for a moment and quickly closed down the app, wandering back into the house for some much needed shade. 

It took him another two hours to work up the courage to actually plug Harry’s number into his phone, adding his contact first. He didn't bother adding a contact photo, reasoning he’d only be using it the one time to call Harry and put an end to this once and for all. He ate his dinner sat at his kitchen table by himself while Clifford ate from his bowl on the floor, and when he’d loaded up his dishwasher, poured a small glass of wine (all that was allowed thanks to his medications) and settled on the sofa, Louis finally felt ready to make the call.

He took a deep breath, hitting the call button, and he could feel his hand shaking as he brought the device up to his ear. The phone rang several times, and each time the call wasn’t answered, Louis’ hope faded a little. Eventually, the voicemail kicked in, and Louis scrambled for something to say as he listened to Harry’s familiar voice speak to him first.

“ _ Hi, you’ve reached Harry Styles. I’m sorry but I can’t take your call, but please leave your name and number and I promise I’ll call you back as soon as I can. Thank you.” _

Louis listened as the automated voice told him a few more instructions, and finally a loud beep rang out, meaning Louis had to leave a message.

“Hi Harry, it’s me. Sorry, you probably don’t know who that is. It’s, uh, it’s William- Jesus fucking Christ, it’s Louis. Tomlinson. Shit.”

In a panic, Louis pulled the phone away from his ear and stabbed at the phone madly until it ended the call. He groaned and leaned back in his chair, covering his face with his hands. Louis knew he’d just humiliated himself, and that there was absolutely no way to take back what he’d just done. Harry would hear it and think he was an idiot. There was only one thing for it.

Before he could change his mind, Louis picked up the phone and listened again as the call rang out, sending him to Harry’s voicemail once more. Louis reached for the glass of wine from earlier sat on the table, took a sip and began to talk.

“Uh, it’s Louis. Tomlinson. Again. Sorry about before. I got a bit flustered. I do want to meet you again, Harry. I think we need to talk. If you’re up for that, give me a call back. Cheers.”

Louis cringed as he ended the call, knowing that didn't go as smoothly as he’d planned. Still, it was out there now and there was no taking it back. He got up and shuffled through to the kitchen, grabbing a bag of crisps before he went back to the living room, settling down on the sofa and loading up Netflix on the television. He quickly reached for his phone, flicking it on to Do Not Disturb mode in case Harry decided to do something silly like return his call. There was no way Louis was ready for that. Not tonight. 

~*~

As much as Louis was dreading Harry returning his call, he was more disappointed when actually, Harry never did. His phone remained permanently on the loudest setting so he couldn’t possibly miss it, Louis even leaving it perched on the edge of the sink while he took a shower so he couldn’t possibly miss a call but still, it didn't ring. He even resorted to leaving it in a different room while he worked, wondering if the age old adage of ‘a watched pot never boils’ might apply to iPhones ringing as well. Still, nothing.

In fact, it took four days for Louis to hear anything at all. He’d all but given up on hearing from Harry, thinking his voicemail was probably the final nail in the coffin, and had resigned himself to the fact Harry wanted nothing more to do with him. In a way, Louis couldn’t blame him. He’d gone off at him when he’d come to his house, throwing things at him before he’d then thrown him out of his house, and then he’d prattled away on two voicemails, sounding like a bumbling idiot. Louis was sure he’d given Harry the worst impression of himself he’d ever given anyone.

He’d answered the door with a toothbrush stuck in his mouth on a bright Thursday morning, nodding his thanks at the postman as he accepted a small pile of mail. There were a couple of parcels which Louis knew were things he’d ordered from Amazon, a selection of delightful bills that he shoved on the side, and a couple of other letters. One looked like a card from one of his little sisters, and he grinned, tearing into it eagerly. Inside was a drawing of the family she’d done, with a hand scrawled message at the top proclaiming ‘TO THE WORLD’S BESTEST BIG BROTHER LOULOU’. Lots of glitter fell to the floor as he proudly carried it to the kitchen, pinning it to the fridge with a magnet. 

He returned to the pile of mail, and pulled out another handwritten envelope. He frowned as he felt like he recognised the handwriting on the front, his name neatly printed, and he squinted to make out the smudged postmark, not quite able to work out where it had been posted.

He ran his finger under the flap, sliding out a folded piece of light blue paper and took it through to the living room, sitting on the edge of the sofa as he unfolded it, eyes flicking to the bottom. He almost gasped when he saw Harry’s name signed at the bottom, and he quickly refolded it, not quite ready to read it just yet. He abandoned the letter on the sofa cushion and pushed himself to his feet, heading upstairs to his music room, sitting behind the piano and playing something easy and familiar.

It didn't matter what Louis played, though. He couldn’t push the thought of Harry’s letter out of his mind, and he couldn’t focus on any lyrics, any melodies, even on songs he’d been playing for years and could probably play half unconscious. These were songs that had got him through some tough times but right now, they were abandoning him. Harry was, as always, taking over every corner of his mind and Louis was powerless to stop him.

With a sigh, he walked down the stairs, smiling at Clifford who was asleep in a patch of sunshine streaming in through the back door, and went into the sitting room, glad to be alone again. He picked up the piece of paper and unfolded it, smoothing it out on the coffee table before he began to read. He could hear Harry’s deep voice rumbling out the words as he read slowly and carefully.

_ Dear Louis, _

_ Let me start by saying I’m sorry I did not return your phone call. I got your voicemail, and Louis… I knew who it was straight away. I never forgot you, or your voice. Please believe that I never once stopped thinking about you. You were the reason for so many things in my life, and you were the main reason I wanted to change. Even if I never got to see you again, I had to know myself that it was for you.  _

_ I was just as shocked as you were when we met last week. I honestly did not know I was meeting you, and I hope you know this wasn’t some elaborate trick for me to get you to meet me after so long. I know our meeting didn't go as planned, and for that, I can only apologise. Your reaction was entirely understandable, and I am grateful you let me in at all. It was more than I deserved, I promise you.  _

_ I would love to see you again, Louis, to try and sort things out. I completely understand if you don’t want to work with me professionally, but I think we need to clear the air between us. I’d like a chance to explain a bit more about myself, and I’d like to hear more about you, if you’re willing to share anything further with me. However, if you don’t want to, that’s also fine. I’m happy to go along with whatever you need. _

_ I’d very much like to come back to yours next week, if that suits? I can be around on Tuesday, around 11am. If that works for you, please text me and let me know. You have my number. _

_ I’ll be waiting to hear from you. _

_ Yours,  _ _  
_ _ Harry x _

Louis was shaking by the time he’d finished reading and then rereading the letter, and he set it down when he felt tears burning in his eyes, emotions finally getting the better of him. It wasn’t that he was thrilled at the prospect of seeing Harry again. He was just relieved, and in a way, he hated himself for that. He hated that he was giving Harry power to make him feel this way, that just by being in his life again, Harry had taken him back five years ago, to a place he never wanted to return to. Too many familiar emotions were rushing to the surface.

The doorbell rang loudly, breaking the silence and startling Louis from his thoughts. He blinked a few times before he stood, walking in a daze to the front door and pulling it open. He felt grateful when he saw Nick on the other side, and he just meandered away again, knowing Nick would follow.

“You alright, Lou? Look a bit pale…”

Louis felt the sofa cushion dip as Nick settled to him. It was clear he was concerned but Louis’ mouth felt as dry as the Sahara desert. He couldn’t bring himself to speak. Instead, he just looked at his friend and then reached for the piece of paper he’d left on the coffee table. He passed it to Nick wordlessly and his friend unfolded it, eyes widening when he realised what it was.

“Louis, are you sure you want me to read this? I don’t want to overstep-”

“Just read it,” Louis said in a tired tone, suddenly feeling mentally drained. “Please.”

“Alright.”

Nick sat back and read quietly. He took long enough that Louis knew he was taking time to read it several times, letting it sink in before he refolded it, sliding it back into the envelope which was on the table. He leaned forward again, elbows on his knees as he peered at Louis as if trying to gauge his reaction.

“So what are you thinking?”

“Honestly?” Louis looked across to Nick who just nodded. “I don’t know. I didn't expect a letter, or for him to want to hear me out, not after what I did the other day.”

“Well, he does. And if I’m honest, Lou, you should take this chance.This whole thing with Harry… it’s been eating you up for five years. I think you need some closure, both of you. I know what you’ve been through has been rough, and shit. But it sounds like he’s tried really hard to pull himself out of the hole he got into as well. Maybe he really has changed?”

Louis bit his lip, his mind a whirlpool of thought and indecision. He practically whispered his next words, not really wanting to voice them fully. “I don’t know if I can trust him again.”

“He’s not asking you to trust him, he’s asking to talk to you, and for you to listen. Just do it. Even if you only do it so you can move on. Do it for yourself. Not for him.”

Louis nodded, slumping back against the sofa cushion again as Clifford came padding into the room, tail wagging when he saw Nick. Nick smiled and chatted quietly to the dog for a moment until Louis sat up, reaching for his phone.

“Now or never, right?”

Nick nodded and smiled softly at him, and Louis was glad his friend was here talking him into this right now. He tapped out the message and sent it before he could change his mind.

**To Harry:** _ Hi Harry, it’s Louis. I got your letter. Thank you. I’d like us to meet next week. Tuesday at mine is fine. See you then.  _

He watched as the message clicked over to being read, and just as Louis was about to turn his phone off, it pinged again, telling him there was a new message. With nervous eyes, he peered down at the screen, holding his breath when he saw it was Harry. He’d replied.

**From Harry:** _ I’m glad you got my letter, Louis. Thank you for reading it, and saying you’ll meet me next week. I’m looking forward to seeing you again. Take care. H x _


	9. Chapter 9

Louis groaned as he emerged from his sleep, clutching his head. As much as he didn't want to wake up, he knew today was the day he was seeing Harry again. He was nervous, but somehow, he felt at peace with the idea. He knew what he intended to say and do today, and he was determined to make it the best he could be. 

He carefully sat up, ignoring the throbbing pain at the front of his head as he grabbed his glass of water from the bedside table, sipping at it slowly. It was a little stale as it had been sat out all night but right then, it was better than nothing. Louis’ mouth felt really dry, a sensation he hated, and he slowly swung his legs out, feet landing on the soft carpet beneath him. He padded out of the room quietly, mumbling a good morning to Clifford when he got to the bottom of the stairs.

Before he’d even had a chance to make his morning tea, he bent over, a searing pain flashing across the front of his forehead. He ignored it as much as he could and went about making breakfast as normal; two pieces of buttered toast, a cup of tea and a bit of fruit. He knew if he didn't eat a good breakfast, he wasn’t setting himself up for a good day, and today was important. It had to go well. He couldn’t afford for anything to go wrong.

Louis decided a shower might make him feel a little better and he relished the hot water beating down over his skin. He stayed in there much longer than he would normally do, only leaving when his skin was bright pink, and his fingertips all pruny. His head felt strangely fuzzy, and the feeling wasn’t one he could shake off. He looked at himself in the mirror when he was out of the shower, a fluffy towel knotted around his waist and sighed, rubbing his palms over his face. He had horrible bags under his eyes from the few late nights he’d had, and he knew he wasn’t looking his best. He shaved, cursing when he nicked his jaw line several times thanks to a shaky hand, and stuck a couple of bits of toilet paper on them to stem the blood flow.

He dressed in his go-to outfit of a band t-shirt and some skinny jeans, hoping it wouldn’t be too hot that he’d end sweating inside them. Still, he wanted to look good as he knew Harry would make the effort with his outfit too, and he didn't want to disappoint him, no matter what his feelings for Harry were. He wasted a bit of time tinkering in his music room, playing through the chorus of a song he was writing that wasn’t quite right just yet. It still sounded like something was wrong but Louis wasn’t in the mood to sort it out right then.

Just before lunchtime, the doorbell rang, and Louis stood up from behind his piano, stumbling as he was hit by a bout of dizziness. He took a few deep breaths, palms on the flat top of the piano as he tried to orient himself. The room was spinning and for a moment, Louis felt like he might be sick. The doorbell rang again, and Louis stood up slowly, blinking rapidly for a moment and walked slowly towards the door, using his hands on the walls to guide him. He opened the door, plastering a smile on his face.

“Hi, Harry. Come on in.”

“Louis, are you… are you okay?” Harry’s face was already laced with concern and Louis smiled, nodding quickly as he leaned against the wall again, pushing down the rush of nausea that had swept over him. “Seriously, are you alright?”

“I’m fine. Just had a shitty sleep last night, that’s all. Come through to the kitchen, we can get some tea before we talk, if that’s okay?”

“Sounds perfect.” 

Harry turned and closed the door behind him, kicking off his shoes and hanging up his jacket before he followed Louis. It gave Louis a few moments to himself to take a few deep breaths, and by the time Harry had joined him, he felt a little more human again. His mind was still swimming but making tea was like second nature to him now. Harry stood quietly in the doorway while Louis bustled around, gathering a small plate of biscuits while the kettle boiled. He wasn’t sure he could stomach any food, but he was nothing if not a good host.

“Thank you for coming out here again. I don’t know how far you’ve had to come, but I appreciate it.”

“Well, I live in London, so not too bad. I think Mum wishes I was a bit closer to home, but you know how it is. Need to be where the action is.”

Louis nodded knowingly, willing his hand to stay steady as he poured the water from the kettle into the mugs. He lifted the kettle and focused hard, but still the kettle wobbled, sending splashes of water onto the worktop.

“Louis, do you-” 

Harry stepped closer and Louis turned, glaring at the man, causing Harry to take a step back, clearly not wanting to overstep. After another shake as he attempted to lift it again, Louis reluctantly put the kettle down, realising it could end badly for him if he didn't.

“I just… just pour the water, okay?”

Harry nodded and didn't say a word as he easily lifted the kettle, pouring water into the two mugs before he backed away again, watching as Louis dunked the tea bags and then dropped them into the bin. Before Louis could say anything, Harry had picked up both cups, leaving Louis to carry just the plate of biscuits. He knew why Harry had done it but couldn’t quite bring himself to thank the man as he led the way into the sitting room, taking a seat in his comfy armchair.

Louis gave Harry a tight smile as he set his tea down on the small table to Louis’ left, and Harry took a biscuit, stroking Clifford’s head who had come to be nosy and see who their visitor was.

“How long have you had your dog?”

“Cliff? Since he was a puppy, so about three years now. He’s great company, I love having him around.”

“He seems lovely. I remember you always used to talk about wanting a dog once the band stopped touring and stuff.” Louis nodded, hoping Harry wouldn’t start reminiscing about the past. It wasn’t something he particularly cared to relive, let alone with Harry. His eyes flickered over to the window, watching as the postman wandered past his house. No post today then. “Louis, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Harry, I’m fine, stop asking me if I’m okay.” Louis knew he was snapping but the last person he wanted showing him concern right now was Harry. If he was being honest, he wasn’t okay, and he clenched his jaw, willing himself to focus for a moment, to listen to the words Harry was saying to him.

“I’m sorry, I just… sorry. I hope you know I’m really grateful you asked me to come back here today. I know it can’t have been easy…”

Louis nodded, not entirely sure what he was agreeing with. The room was spinning again, and Louis knew his hand was shaking. He hurried to shove it under his thigh so Harry couldn’t see it. The last thing he wanted was for Harry to think something was wrong. Harry was still talking, and Louis tried to be part of the conversation again.

“... I told Mum that I was seeing you again today, actually. She’s really excited about it, told me to send you her love and all that. I didn't tell Gemma, not yet. Mum thinks we might be able to write something good-”

“No.”

“I… what?”

“No, I…” Louis’ tongue felt huge in his mouth, and he swallowed, taking a calming breath. “I know we need to talk about the, uh…. The...” The word had gone, and all of a sudden, it dawned on Louis what was happening. “I need to… Uh…”

He stood up, legs feeling like jelly as his good hand gripped the armrest, trying to steady himself. He could see Harry watching with frightened eyes, and he took a slow step, already feeling himself lose control. Panic was taking hold now, and Louis desperately tried to make his limbs work and take him out of the room, away from all of this. Away from Harry. He took one more step but he was too aware of his body failing him. 

Everything started spinning and Louis knew he was going down. He blinked and everything went black as his body gave out, sending him crashing to the floor. As always, the last thing to disappear from him was his hearing.

“Oh god … Louis? Louis! Fuck, Lou, can you hear me?”

~*~

Louis blinked, staring up a grey tiled ceiling above him. He coughed, wincing as his muscles pulled. Everything hurt. He lifted his arm to his face, pleased that he could move at all and turned to the side when he heard a noise. He felt his eyes well up as he looked up into the concerned eyes of his best friend, and Nick took his hand, comforting Louis. 

“I…” Louis’ throat felt too dry to speak, and he swallowed, feeling entirely helpless.

“Don’t try and talk, mate. You know where you are?”

A tear trickled down the side of Louis’ face as he shook his head, suddenly feeling scared and out of control. Nick reached across with a tissue and wiped it up. Louis was eternally grateful for Nick’s presence in that moment.

“You’re in hospital, Lou. Your Mum’s on her way, too. Gonna be another hour or so, but I need to text her in a sec, let her know you’ve woken up and you’re okay.”

Louis nodded, filled with relief that his mum was on the way. Now though, there was only one thing on his mind. He could feel his heart racing in his chest and he turned and pulled, yanking on an IV in his hand. The pain startled him and he gasped, his chest feeling tight. He clawed at the nasal cannula tucked into his nose, and he could feel himself starting to panic.

“Nick, I… shit, can’t-”

“Hey, Louis, calm down. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll tell you what you want to know, mate but you need to calm down, okay? I don’t want you to hurt yourself again. Breathe with me, Lou, in and out, that’s it…”

Louis focused his eyes on Nick’s as he talked him down, something he’d done too many times for Louis to keep count. It took almost ten minutes for Louis’ breathing to return to normal, and Nick was sat on the bed next to him, holding him to his chest as Louis finally calmed down, clutching onto Nick’s t-shirt like a lifeline. He was long past being embarrassed about his behaviour around Nick.

“Shall I…”

“No, it’s fine. Just stay there, yeah?”

Louis craned his head at the unfamiliar voice, and tried to see who Nick was talking to. He knew he recognised the voice somewhere in the back of his mind, sure it couldn’t be who he thought it was. Nick shushed him and pressed his face to his chest again, the rhythmic beating of his heart soothing him.

“Who it is?”

Louis knew his words were coming out muddled and he didn't understand why. He frowned slightly, and concentrated before he spoke again, appreciating Nick was giving him time to work out what he wanted to say. “Who is it?”

Nick swallowed and his eyes flitted in the direction of the voice before he nodded.

“It’s me, Lou. It’s Harry. I was… uh, I was there when…”

Louis began rapidly shaking his head, willing the words to come.

“No, Louis, I didn't hurt you, I just… you had a-”

“No, out! Out get! I…. GET OUT!” Louis clawed at the gown covering his body again, and he could feel Nick trying to grab his wrists to calm him down, but all he cared about was getting away from Harry, getting him out of the room. “Harry out! Nick-” He looked up at Nick, pleading for him to take over.

“Harry, I think you need to go, mate-”

“No, I need to be here for him-”

“No, Harry, go. Go away. No, please, no…”

Tears were falling down Louis’ cheeks again now, and he hated that Harry was seeing him like this. Louis felt Nick squeeze his hand, and he knew his friend was going to take control of the situation, appreciating his deep and authoritative tone as he spoke.

“Harry, go. Please.”

Louis’ eyes met Harry’s for a moment, and he saw the tears shining in them before Harry nodded and headed out of the room, doctors and nurses coming in as soon as Harry left. They administered something through his IV to calm him down, and Louis felt his body relax, slumping against Nick as a sense of calm took over again.

“Stay… Nick…” Louis mumbled, eyelids feeling heavy again. He couldn’t focus, everything felt relaxed, he felt peaceful. Louis could feel Nick’s fingers running through his hair, and Louis closed his eyes, letting the sleep overtake him once more, thoughts of Harry long gone.

~*~

“I don’t know, he hasn’t woken up yet. I’ll pop back in in a second and check on him. You can go if you want?”

Louis rolled onto his side. He’d know that voice anywhere in the world. It was his mum, and he strained, trying to hear the person who was quietly replying to her. Their voice was so low Louis couldn’t make out any words, and he groaned, stretching his legs for a moment under the blankets.

“Well, if that’s what you want. A tea would be good, though. Thank you.”

There was silence for a moment, and soon, his mum appeared in the doorway, a smile of relief flooding her face as she realised her son was awake. She hurried over to the bed, sinking into the chair she’d left beforehand, and took Louis’ hand in her own, kissing the back of it before she brushed his fringe out of his face, a gentle touch Louis craved.

“Oh, Boobear, you’re awake. How are you feeling, sweetheart?”

“Hurt,” was all Louis could get out, and Jay leaned over, hugging him close for a moment. When she let him go, Louis met her kind eyes and somehow, he knew it would all be okay now she was there. His mum always had the ability to make everything better. “Happened?”

“What happened?” 

Louis nodded, telling her that was what he was trying to say. She sighed and sat back in her chair, chewing on the inside of her lip for a moment before she spoke. Louis knew she would tell him the truth. She’d never hidden the truth from him, and he always appreciated her candor, especially in times like this.

“You know you’re in hospital, love?” Louis nodded, and Jay squeezed his hand for a moment before she continued. “Okay. Well, you’re here because you had a seizure. You were at home, and-”

Louis groaned, shaking his head. He had no memory of anything, which was quite normal when he had had a seizure, but right now, he was desperate for someone to fill in the gaps. He said the first thing that came to mind.

“Harry.”

Jay nodded. “Yeah, love. Harry’s here. He was, uh, he was with you. When you had your seizure. He called the ambulance, and Nick. He stayed with you the whole time, Lou.”

Louis blinked, hating every moment of this. It was bad enough he’d had a seizure and had ended up in hospital, but finding out that it had happened in front of Harry was even worse. His seizures were horrible for anyone to experience, but the realisation Harry had seen him like that was awful. He started to cry, and Jay reached over, stroking Louis’ arm.

“No, it’s okay, Louis. He’s outside, he didn't want to leave until he knew you were okay. Were you going to tell me he’s back in your life, hmm?”

Louis just shrugged, not able to find the words to answer her right now. He pointed at her phone, and she opened the notes app, a familiar thing for the pair of them when Louis was struggling verbally after a seizure. Slowly but surely he tapped the letters on the screen until the words he couldn’t say were in front of him.

**DIDN'T MEAN HIM TO BE**

“Well, we can talk about that another time. We don’t need to go through all of that just yet, love. But I think you need to know what he did, Lou. Nick told me everything before he left. He’s gone home to grab you some clothes and stuff, said he’ll be back in a while. The doctors want you to stay overnight.”

Louis nodded, having expected that to be the case.

“Harry brought all your meds with you to the hospital, love. When the paramedics arrived, Nick said he disappeared and brought back all your meds, showing them to the paramedics, making sure they knew what was wrong with you. Nick said it sounded like he knew what he was talking about. The ambulance crew told the doctors downstairs they were really impressed with what Harry had done in taking care of you. He’d stayed away from you but had put a pillow under your head while you seized, and covered you up when you had an accident.”

Louis cringed at that, hating that Harry had seen him at his most vulnerable. Jay was still stroking his arm, and Louis licked his dry lips.

“Here you go, love.” Jay reached and brought over a small cup of water, helping Louis to take a few sips before he laid back down, aching everywhere. “I didn't think he knew anything about your condition, but from what I’ve been told, he seemed to know a lot more than even Nick did.”

Louis felt shocked at that, and just stared up at the ceiling, trying to get his head around everything.

“You know he’s not going to go anywhere until he’s seen you’re okay, don’t you? It’s strange. It’s like… it’s like the old Harry is back, love. The one who used to come and barge in when he knew I was cooking a roast wanting a plate of his own, the one who used to help me bring the shopping in from the car when I got home and you were rehearsing or writing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still angry at him, but even I can see he cares, Lou.”

Louis sighed, and smoothed the blanket over his thighs, struggling to sit up a bit. Jay helped him arrange the pillows behind his back a little, and Louis settled against them, looking down at the horrible hospital gown across his torso. He pulled at it, wishing he had something else to wear. He looked up at his mum, and realised he could be honest with her. He spoke slowly, willing the words to come out correctly.

“I scared.”

“I know, love. But looking at him out there… so’s he. Will you see him?”

Louis considered it for a moment. As much as he didn't want to see Harry when he was like this, he knew Harry had now seen him at his worse, and it hadn’t scared him off. If anything, Harry had stuck by him and took care of him when Louis wasn’t capable of doing it himself. Slowly, he nodded, and Jay smiled at him, extending her hand to caress his cheek.

“I’m proud of you, you know. I’ll go and get him. I’ll be just outside, but if you need me, tell Harry and he’ll get me, alright?”

“Love you.”

“I love you too, my brave boy. So, so much.” Jay leaned in and pressed a kiss to Louis’ forehead, smiling at him before she stood up, heading for the door. Louis could hear hushed conversation as she spoke to Harry, and Louis fiddled with his hair, making sure his body was covered before a figure appeared in the doorway. He could see Harry’s stance was hesitant, and he cleared his throat, hoping his voice would come out steady.

“Come in.”

Harry took a few steps closer, hovering near the edge of the bed before he moved towards the chair. Louis nodded, telling him it was okay to sit down and Harry did, still not really meeting Louis’ eyes, pulling at a loose thread in a rip in his jeans.

“Don’t. Do that.”

Harry peered up, meeting Louis’ gaze for a moment before it dropped to his lap. “Do what?”

“That. Act scared of me.”

“I’m not… shit, I’m sorry. I’m fucking this up. I just… I don’t want to upset you again, make you… you know.” Harry’s cheeks were pink, and Louis realised then this was just as hard for Harry as it was for him. Louis, though, had been through this before and knew the drill. Harry hadn’t, and it must have been frightening for him to have experienced that, especially without any warning. “Are you alright?”

“Will be. I… thank you.”

Harry shook his head, reaching out for Louis’ hand before he thought better of it, retracting it just as quickly. “Don’t. Don’t thank me. I’m just so grateful you weren’t alone. I hope it was okay I helped you, that I did what I did to make you comfortable?”

Louis just nodded. There was a lump in his throat, and he knew he was getting emotional. He shuffled in the bed, and Harry leaned forward as if to help him. Louis reached out and rested a hand on Harry’s wrist, causing the other man to look up at him, green eyes glassy with unshed tears. 

“Thank you. So much.”

Harry smiled and rested his hand on top of Louis’ for a moment, connecting the pair of them more than they had been in five long years. They stayed like that for a minute, and Harry sighed, leaning forward and resting his forehead on the bed before he sat up, clearly wrestling with something he wanted to say.

“Ask. You can.”

“I… how often does that happen? Aren’t your meds supposed to help control the seizures?”

“Forgot.”

“You forgot to take them?” 

Louis nodded.

“I knew something was wrong when I arrived at yours. You didn't look like you did the other day. But you… you were… well,  _ Louis _ , I guess. You didn't want my help, and I get it. But Louis… shit, I’ve never been so scared. You went down on the floor so hard, and… god, I’ve never seen that before. I’m so sorry you have to go through that.”

“It… okay.”

“It’s not. Nothing about this is okay. This can never be okay, Lou.” Harry started to cry, and Louis’ heart ached to see him in pain because of himself. Harry’s head dropped down to the bed, and Louis didn't hesitate to rest his hand on the back of Harry’s head, stroking carefully, tentatively. Harry grabbed his hand and laced their fingers, holding on as he cried quietly, and Louis couldn’t say anything. He just let Harry get it out until his tears subsided. Harry sat up, wiping his eyes on the hem of his t-shirt, clearly embarrassed.

“I’m sorry, I know I have no right to cry… it’s just… it’s a lot. Today’s been a lot.”

“Okay to cry.”

“Thank you,” Harry whispered, releasing Louis’ hand again. Something pinged, and Harry turned, picking up a phone from the bedside table. “Oh, I, uh, I brought your phone with us. It was the only way to get Nick’s number, I hope you don’t mind, it wasn’t locked…”

Louis’ phone didn't have a pin for this very reason, in case he had a seizure in public and needed help. He shook his head, and took it from Harry, opening the message. The words swam in front of him, and he sighed in frustration, pushing it away.

“Do you want me to read it to you?”

Louis didn't know how Harry knew he couldn’t read it at the moment but he nodded, watching Harry open up his messages, keeping it in Louis’ line of sight so he could see Harry wasn’t being too nosy.

“Oh, it’s Niall. Nick must have texted him. Says he, Zayn and Liam are on their way, they picked Zayn up when Jay called them…” Louis noticed how Harry’s face drained at that, and he swallowed, ploughing on with his reading. “They said they’re about half an hour out, they hope you’re okay and that they’re staying with you for a couple of days.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem. Actually, I think I’d better make a move. I’m sure Jay wants some more time with you, I just… I needed to see you were okay before I left. I’m so glad you’re okay, Louis.”

Harry stood up, and Louis watched with a sense of panic as Harry walked towards the door.

“Harry.”

Harry stilled at the sound of Louis’ voice and whirled around again.

“Yeah, Lou?”

“I… um, I see you? Again?”

Harry frowned, shoving a hand in his pocket before he answered. “You want to?”

Louis just nodded.

“Yeah, Lou. Of course. As long as you want me around, I’ll be here. You’ve got my number, just… call me, yeah? Or text, whatever you need. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Bye, Haz.”

Harry’s cheeks reddened at Louis’ use of his nickname, something so familiar to the pair of them, but somehow, it had felt right to use it just then. It didn't matter one syllable words were easier for Louis when he was still slightly non verbal, it had slipped out without Louis consciously realising.

“Bye, Lou. Take care.”

Harry gave him a smile so wide his dimple popped, and Louis couldn’t help returning it, grinning as Harry disappeared around the doorway and out of sight. Louis sighed and rested back against the pillow, willing his heartbeat to slow down.


	10. Chapter 10

**Two weeks later**

Louis looked around the café, nervously fiddling with the medical alert bracelet on his wrist. He hated wearing it but he knew when he was out and about and there was a chance he would be alone, he had to wear it for his own safety. It told any medical professionals who might assist him that he had epilepsy, and also had contacts numbers for Nick and his Mum on it. It felt odd around his usually bare wrist but Louis just sipped his tea, willing his friend to turn up. He’d forced himself out of the house this morning as it was, and right now, all he wanted was to get home. If Zayn didn't arrive soon, Louis was sure that was exactly what he would do.

There was a ding as the little door opened, and Louis smiled, standing up and waving his friend over. They greeted each other with a hug, and Zayn disappeared to the counter, ordering tea and something to eat before he came back to sit opposite Louis, stretching his long legs out. He set his iPhone on the table before he smiled again at Louis, eyes raking over him as they always did, making sure he was okay.

“So good to see you, Lou. I’m sorry we couldn’t meet you before now, but you know what work is like. Typical that Matthew got signed off right when I needed time off but there you go.”

“Z, he broke his bloody arm. He couldn’t exactly tattoo people with that, could he?”

Zayn grumbled for a moment, knowing he was being a tad unreasonable, and Louis chuckled to himself, glad to see Zayn was being his usual self.

“Anyway. How are you doing? All okay after before?”

“Yep. All good. Had my appointment yesterday, Nick took me.”

“And what did they say?”

“Scans all came back okay, no lasting damage after my fall. Changed up my meds a little bit but they were happy with me. I feel fine, anyway.”

“Good, glad to hear it. Thank you, love.” The waitress smiled at the pair of them as she set down Zayn’s coffee and a plate of cakes. Louis rolled his eyes but reached over, nabbing the biggest looking one before Zayn could stop him. Zayn went to steal it back but Louis slapped at his hand, quickly licking the top of the cake, making Zayn scrunch up his face in disgust.

“You’re gross, you know that?”

“Proud of it.” Louis took a big bite, and they chatted for a while about a few tattoos Zayn had done for clients lately, including a new inking on Liam that had been in the works for a while. “Wow, Z, that’s sick. Does Li like it?”

“Yeah, loves it. You seeing him soon?”

“I dunno. I know him and Niall are off to the States soon, Ni’s in Ireland actually at the mo, recording some stuff.”

“What about you and work? Made any decisions about, uh, about Harry?”

Louis swallowed the lump of cake in his mouth. He knew the subject of Harry would be brought up sooner or later, but that didn't make it any easier to talk about. He knew, though, that Zayn was the one person he could be completely honest with about it.

“To be honest, I don’t know. We’ve been texting quite a bit since I had my seizure. I thought I’d want to pull away from him because he saw everything, but… he was so kind about it, Z. Like, he took care of me when I was at my most vulnerable, you know? It’s shit, having seizures in front of people ‘cos of losing control of everything, but he just… he dealt with it. I still don’t really know how he knew what to do, not really.”

“You didn't ask him?”

“It wasn’t something I wanted to ask him in a text if I’m honest. He’s coming over later to talk about work so maybe I might broach it with him then.”

“Oh, you’re seeing him again?” Zayn took a bite of a pastry, an eyebrow arched at Louis, clearly surprised by the turn of events.

“Don’t start. Please. Niall’s given me enough of a hard time about all this stuff as it is.”

“No, sorry mate, I’m not. I mean, I get why Ni’s pissed about it, but at the same time, you’re an adult, you’re old enough to make your own decisions. All of that was five years ago, mate. And for what it’s worth, I think Harry sticking around and taking care of you after your seizure was a really good thing to do. He could have freaked out, and I’m grateful that he didn't.”

Louis smiled softly at Zayn, pleased Zayn was being a little more pragmatic about the whole thing than Niall was. He was only glad that Harry had left the hospital by the time the boys had arrived when he’d seized before. Niall was livid when Jay had explained Harry and Nick had brought him to hospital, and it had taken Liam forcing him out of the room to calm him down, to tell him to put Louis first, that Louis’ health was, and always would be, the priority. 

“Can I ask you something, Lou?”

“Course,” Louis quickly replied, nodding his head as he nursed his mug of tea between his hands, staring across the table at his best friend. They may not see each other as often as they wanted to but Zayn was still the first person Louis would turn to for advice, even above Nick. They’d been through so much together that Zayn would always be Louis’ person.

“Do you really think he’s changed? Like, properly changed. Put all the drugs and shit behind him?”

“He seems to have,” Louis began, feeling a bit awkward talking about Harry like this, but at the same time, Zayn’s question was entirely understandable. “He told me he went to rehab, that Gem pushed him into it but that he did it, that he got clean. I’ve seen him a couple of times now and I couldn’t smell any alcohol on him. He looked clean, if that means anything?”

“Fair enough. If that’s the case, then I’m pleased for him, and Gem and Anne. Can’t have been easy on them to see him at rock bottom like that.”

Louis’ eyes dipped to the table, fiddling with the corner of a napkin as he pondered Zayn’s words. Truthfully, he’d been so swept up in his own problems, he hadn’t paid an iota of thought to what the whole situation would have done to Anne and Gemma. Louis was close to them once upon a time, and the thought of them being broken because of Harry’s downward spiral into drink and drugs hurt him deeply inside.

“One more question…”

“Go on then.”

“Do you still have feelings for him?”

Louis swallowed and stared at Zayn, contemplating how much to say. 

“I want to say no. I really do. But…” he tailed off, shrugging. “I mean, I haven’t forgiven what happened all those years ago, not by a long shot. I’m like this because of him. Like right now, all I’m thinking about is getting an Uber and getting home. I hate being out like this, Z, but I’m doing it because this is my life, you know? But at the end of the day… he’s still Harry.”

Zayn nodded knowingly, as if he understood what Louis was trying to communicate to him. 

“Do you hate me for that? That after everything, after all the shit he put us all through, I still, I dunno, harbour something for him?”

“No, Lou, never.” Zayn shook his head emphatically and reached out, clutching Louis’ forearm for a moment. “You need to do what’s right for you. And if that’s building bridges with Harry, then that’s what you’ve got to do.”

Louis smiled, ignoring the insistent buzz of his phone in his pocket, knowing it would probably be Harry checking that their meeting later was still going ahead. Right now though, he was in the moment with Zayn, and he didn't want to distract himself in any way. This was important. What Zayn thought meant a lot to him.

He leaned in, whispering gently as he nudged Zayn’s shin with the toe of his converse. “Thank you.”

“Anytime, mate. You know that. Nothing wrong with wanting to be friends with him again, not if it’s what you want.”

Louis paused, considering his words before he spoke, knowing he wanted to be entirely honest with Zayn.

“But I’m not sure I want to just be his friend, Zayn. I’m not sure that’s ever gonna be enough for me.”

~*~

“Cheers mate, thanks a lot.” Louis tapped a few things on his iPhone screen before he got out of the Uber, closing the door behind him. One of the worst things about his condition was the fact he lost his driving licence. He understood why - if he had a seizure behind the wheel, the consequences didn't bear thinking about. However, it certainly added to Louis’ lack of wanting to leave the house, and gave him a good enough reason when he was initially getting used to his new life not to go out. It was Nick who showed him the light regarding Uber, and although Louis was still reluctant to go out, it was a godsend when it was a necessity like today.

Clifford lolled up the hallway as Louis walked in, greeting him enthusiastically, pressing a kiss on top of his head between his long black ears. He checked his phone, quickly texting Nick to let him know he’d gotten home safe and sound, knowing his friend would only worry if he didn't, and Louis didn't particularly want him popping over today, not when Harry was due soon.

Louis felt a bit sweaty so he ran upstairs, getting into a cool shower and washing his hair before he followed with his favourite coconut body wash. He wanted to feel as confident as he could in meeting Harry, and he knew something as simple as having a shower and shaving would give him a much needed boost of confidence. He took his time shaving, dragging the razor over his skin carefully, not wanting to look like he’d been cut to shreds when Harry arrived.

It was just half an hour later that the doorbell rang. Clifford looked up lazily, entirely unbothered as Louis meandered down the long hallway to the door, taking in a long, slow breath before he pulled the door open. What he saw almost took his breath away.

“Hey, Louis. Uh… these are for you.” Harry thrust forward an enormous bouquet of flowers, and Louis took them with a look of amazement and sniffed gently, the soft floral fragrance enveloping his sense of smell. “I wanted to send you some, but I thought it might be nice to give you them in person. You like flowers, right?”

“Yeah, they’re… they’re bloody gorgeous, Harry. Thank you. But, uh… why?”

Harry chuckled as Louis stepped back from the door, inviting Harry inside. “Well, usually people receive get well flowers when they’ve been in hospital, Lou. So consider these a belated get-well-thank-god-you’re-better bunch. I know they’re a bit bright, but, well- I loved them. So I thought you might like them too.”

“I do. Come through to the kitchen, I need to put them in a vase.” 

Harry nodded and followed Louis through to the kitchen, Clifford clacking quietly after them. Louis opened a few cupboards, unsure where he’d put the only vase he possessed that his mum had gifted him when he’d bought the cottage years ago. It had been his grandmother’s, and was a treasured possession of Louis’. He pulled open the final door and groaned when he saw it on the very top shelf.

“Ah. Uh…”

“Do you want me to…” Harry pointed up at it, and Louis nodded, willing his cheeks not to redden as Harry easily stretched up, his shirt riding up with it, exposing the plethora of tattoos on his hips that Louis was more than familiar with. He averted his eyes as Harry set the vase down on the worktop, and whispered his thanks, making quick work of ripping open the cellophane and organising the flowers in the vase before filling it up carefully. “They look lovely.”

“Yeah, they do. Thank you, Harry. I’ll take them into the sitting room in a minute. Do you want a drink?”

“Yeah, a cold drink would be good. Was quite hot in my car on the drive here, sun beating down all the way. Still, shouldn’t moan.”

“Nah, we shouldn’t. I’ve got some lemonade in the fridge?” He opened the door and held up a bottle of the fresh stuff Nick had got him from the small farmer’s market in town recently, and Harry nodded, grabbing two glasses from the cupboard in front of him without being asked.

“Shit, sorry, I should’ve asked-”

“Harry, it’s fine. It’s a couple of glasses. Shall we sit on the patio for a bit?”

“Love to. Is Cliff coming out?”

“He might. Leave the back door open behind you and he might join us. Bit warm out here for him though when the sun’s as hot as it is today.”

Louis walked out first, the bottle of lemonade in his hand, Harry following behind with the two glasses that he set down on the table while Louis lifted the parasol, giving them a little reprieve from the intensity of the afternoon sunshine.

“So… how are you, Lou? After… you know…”

“My seizure. You can say it, Harry. Don’t be afraid of it. I’m honestly fine. I took my pills this morning, I promise. Look.” He held out a steady hand, and met Harry’s eyes, the pair of them smiling when they saw a lack of tremor that had been clearly present last time Harry was round. “I had an appointment with my specialist yesterday and he told me I’m doing well, just need to keep on my meds but other than that, I’m fine.”

“I’m really glad.” They shared another smile as Louis slid the empty glasses towards him, wondering how much to reveal to Harry about the morning before the words just tumbled from his lips.

“I saw Zayn this morning, in town,” Louis admitted as he filled Harry’s glass almost to the brim before he did his own, capping the bottle again when he was done. He looked over to Harry who looked nervous as he sipped his drink, nodding quickly.

“Oh yeah? How is he?”

“He’s good. Still got the tattoo shop, he owns a few of them now, very successful. No wonder really when Li’s always tweeting about the ink Zayn does for him. But anyway. I told him I was seeing you today.”

“Right.”

It was pretty clear Harry didn't know what to say, and Louis had a sudden urge to put Harry out of his misery, to not drag it out.

“He was okay about it. Said whatever I wanted was the most important thing.”

Harry nodded again before he peered up at Louis from under his eyelashes, speaking hesitantly, his voice coming out softer and more cautious than Louis had heard it in a while. It reminded him of when Harry had been unsure about coming into his hospital room just a few weeks ago, something Louis would rather forget if he was honest. “And what is it you want?”

“I honestly don’t know. I mean, I know we’re here to discuss work. Me writing for you, or with you, or whatever. But before we get to all that, there was something I wanted to talk to you about, if that’s okay?”

“Sure, Lou, you can ask me anything. I’ll be as honest as I can, I promise.”

Louis sighed, working up the courage to ask Harry the one thing that had been on his mind for the past two weeks, since he was discharged from hospital. He wasn’t sure how Harry’s answer would affect him but either way, he needed answers.

“The day of my seizure. Can you tell me what happened?”

Harry swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat as he nodded slowly. “Yeah but… are you sure you want to hear it?”

“Yeah. I prefer to know because my memory’s completely gone, and usually Mum or whoever can fill me in. But you were the only one here this time. So… can you tell me, please?”

“Okay, yeah, I can do that. So when I arrived that day, you were a little off. I could see it straight away and I asked you, but as usual…”

“I brushed it off?”

Harry nodded with a small smile. “Yeah. You were a bit snappy, but I figured if something was really wrong you’d tell me. Anyway, you made us tea, and I was talking but I knew you weren’t listening. You looked like you were hurting, and you tried to stand up, but you couldn’t. I knew something was wrong, but you were all… you weren’t with me. You weren’t responding and I was so… I was scared, Lou. Then you just… you went down. Hard, on the floor.”

As much as Louis hated to hear this, seeing how it affected Harry was almost worse. He could see the etchings of pain on his face as he recounted the details of that morning, probably remembering how it looked to see Louis collapse in front of him. Without warning, Harry just carried on.

“You, uh, you started seizing quite quickly. Like… I’ve seen them on TV and stuff but watching it happen to you… it was fucking awful. I just kind of… I don’t know, stared at you for a minute before I came back to earth. I grabbed a cushion and put it under your head, I didn't want you to hurt yourself. Then I just grabbed your phone and called Nick, and then got an ambulance. I didn't touch you, Lou, but I was there. I was never gonna leave your side, I promise.”

Louis felt oddly emotional at hearing all of that from Harry, and was surprised at the sting of tears he felt in his eyes. He wiped roughly at his eyes, and finally dared to look up, noticing Harry looking as emotional as he was.

“The paramedics didn't want me to come in the ambulance with you but… well, I got a bit, uh, aggressive, I suppose you could say? You’d stopped seizing so I took your hand and just refused to let go. I rode with you, and stayed with you until the doctors forced me out of the room.”

“How?”

“How what? How did I stay? I just-”

“No. How did you know what to do?”

“Oh. Well. Uh… after you told me the first time what happened to you, I looked into it? Epilepsy, I mean. I googled it, what to do if someone has a seizure, and stuff like that. Thank god I remembered most of it, and the paramedics said I did a good job.”

Louis blushed as he asked the next question. He knew the answer but he wanted to see if Harry would be honest with him, if there was something left of the trust between them that was there years ago to salvage.

“Harry, when I seize… it’s not pretty. I like… I lose control of myself… of everything. Did I… did I do that? Did I have an accident of some sort?”

Harry looked up, biting as his lip as he nodded slowly. “Yeah, but Lou… I don’t care about that stuff. I just grabbed a towel and covered you up. You couldn’t help it, and it didn't disgust me, if that’s what you’re worried about? It’s normal, like in a seizure, from what I read. Please don’t be embarrassed-”

“I’m not. I just… I needed to know. But Harry…” He leaned forwards and rested a hand on Harry’s knee for a moment, connecting them for a brief moment. “Thank you. For taking care of me, for not leaving me.”

“I wouldn’t. Not again. I wouldn’t, Louis.”

They sat quietly for a short while after that, both coming to terms with what had been said between them. It was a lot for Louis to hear what had happened to him, but he appreciated Harry’s honesty. It meant a lot to him he’d told the truth, and in some way, Louis knew it had helped him come to a decision about working together. 

Harry stared out into the distance as they sat, and Louis appreciated that, that they could sit in silence and have it be comfortable. He knew that regarding them working together, the ball was being left entirely in his court.

“Did you, uh, did you come to an answer about that? Working with me, I mean?” Harry ventured, breaking the silence. He looked nervous, and Louis sat on his hands, letting Harry speak.  “Because honestly, this is all you, Louis. I don’t want to push you into anything you aren’t comfortable with. And I don’t want you to do this because you think you have to. You don’t. At all.”

“I know. I’ve always chosen who I work with, Harry. My team can advise me on what they think, but ultimately, I always have the final say. It was my little way of taking back some control when I left the band and started writing for other people. So I’ve thought long and hard about the idea of us working together, and if I think it can really work or not.”

“Okay, that’s fair.” Harry sipped his drink again, but Louis could see the nerves set in his shoulders, how he was sitting slightly more upright than he was just a few moments ago. “So… are you going to tell me today, or did you need to think about it a bit more?”

“I’ve known for a while what I want to do. I want to work with you, Harry. We always wrote amazing songs together in the band, we work well together somehow. So I’d like to give it a shot, if you still want to work with me?”

Louis could see the relief flood Harry’s features at his words, but he was still left stunned when Harry got up and scooped Louis up into a quick hug, their bodies pressed tightly together for a moment. Louis stayed still, not quite sure how to react, until Harry released him, grinning at him, his smile so wide his dimple was like a crater in his cheek. 

“Oh Lou… you don’t know how happy this makes me. Really. Like, I listened to all of William-  _ your _ songs before I knew it was you, and just… they spoke to me. They really did. I told my team you were the only person I wanted to write with, and now… shit, it’s happening. Shit. Wow. I just… thank you. So, so much.”

Louis couldn’t help but return the smile as Harry returned to his chair, sitting down in the shade, his body facing Louis’ now. 

“Actually-” Harry broke the silence after a few minutes, looking warily over to Louis for a minute. “Do you want to have a go in a minute? At writing something, I mean? I’ve had a few lyrics stuck in my head for days, and I wondered if you could make any sense of them for me?”

“Sure, I could give it a go. You still write on guitar?”

“Yeah, what about you?”

“Guitar or piano, I prefer piano these days if I’m honest. Let’s head inside, I’ve got a room I use for writing, there’s a couple of different guitars in there, you can see which you like.”

Harry smiled and nodded, picking up their empty glasses from the table before he followed Louis inside. Louis climbed the stairs and Harry followed behind. Louis knew Harry would be looking at the photographs on the wall of his family, probably realising how much they’d grown in the years since he’d seen them last, particularly his little sisters.

“They’re really changed, haven’t they? Daisy and Phoebe are like young women now, it’s scary…”

“Well, they were like eight last time you saw them, Haz. They’re teenagers now, they’ve got the attitudes to prove it.”

Harry chuckled at that, and Louis pulled the door to his bedroom closed as he walked by, not wanting Harry to be privy to his personal space just yet. The door to his music room was open, and Louis led the way, taking a seat on the stool by the piano as Harry hovered in the doorway.

“Come in, you make the place look untidy. Guitars are over there, help yourself, I’m not too particular about people using them. Nick’s always playing one or another.”

Louis didn't miss how Harry’s face clouded over at the mention of Nick, and for some reason, it sent a shiver up his spine. He looked back to the piano and rested his hands on the keys, wondering how far to take this. He looked back to see Harry picking up the guitar he’d bought Louis all those years ago, battered and tatty compared to the others he’d bought since, but Louis could never bring himself to throw it out. It meant too much to him to do that. Harry’s gentle touch on the wood told him he knew exactly what it was as well.

“You kept this,” he muttered quietly before he looked up as Louis nodded. Louis looked away first, looking at his hands on the keys.

“So does, uh, does Nick, come up here with you often then?” Harry was clearly trying to sound disinterested but Louis could see how tense his back was and how his shoulders were set, making sure his gaze was on the guitar, not on Louis. 

“Yeah, a fair bit. He’s usually the one who hears out any new music I write. He’s not, like, in the industry or anything but I trust his judgment. He’s the one who’s been there for me through the years, you know?”

Harry nodded and looked back, settling on a stool, the guitar on his leg as he plucked at a few strings. “So, uh, how long have you known him? Is it just since…”

“Since I moved here, so just over four years now? Mum’s a bit far away, so he’s the one I’ve relied on to take me to my appointment up at the main hospital and stuff. He’s been a good mate, we’re close.”

Louis could see Harry was itching to ask how close, and he played a few chords while Harry strummed, the pair easily complimenting each other musically as they always did. 

Harry started to speak as they played, his voice only just loud enough to be heard over their playing. “Were you and he ever… you know… together?”

Louis looked up, arching an eyebrow. He felt a little surprised Harry had been bold enough to ask, but for some reason he wanted to set the record straight on that. “Me and Nick? No. Never. I’m not attracted to him, Harry. He’s a good guy, one of my best friends, but we’ve never entertained the idea of anything more than friendship. I’ve been single since my accident. What about you? Anyone special?”

“Uh…” The blush that crept up Harry’s cheeks didn't escape Louis’ notice, and he longed to almost reach out and support him, getting the sense that whatever was coming wasn’t going to be good. “Do you want me to be honest, Lou?”

“Only if you want to be.”

“I do. I… I want you to know. I slept around, Louis, when I was in a bad place. I was high a lot of the time, and I just slept with whoever was around. It made me feel like shit, and I hated it but I didn't really know what I was doing, not properly. I regret it now, more than anything, but…”

“What’s done is done, right?” 

Harry just nodded. 

“Harry, I…”

“What, Lou? Why do you look like that?”

“Like what?”

“Sad, I guess.”

Louis just shrugged. “I guess I just… I feel sad hearing that, I suppose. I know you were never someone who was into relationships or whatever back when things were good between us, but you weren’t the type of guy who slept around either. I know if you did do that, you weren’t in a good frame of mind, and I hate hearing that.”

“Hey, look, I’m okay now. It was shit, but it’s part of my past. I… I haven’t slept with anyone since I got sober, Louis. I want to wait and find somebody who it’s going to mean something with.”

It went quiet between them both for a moment, and Louis began playing the piano again softly, filling the room with gentle melodies that he knew Harry would recognise. Harry started playing along with him, and to Louis, it felt just like old times for a while. They laughed and chatted as they played for a while longer, until Clifford whining at the door broke them from their moment. Louis picked up his phone and was surprised at how the afternoon had passed.

“Sorry, I’ve taken up your whole day, haven’t I? I’d better get going-”

“Or you can stay?” The words fell from Louis’ lips before he could stop them, and he swallowed, wondering if he’d done the wrong thing. “For dinner, I mean? I’m sure I have something we can make? You always were good in the kitchen, if you don’t mind lending a hand?”

Harry’s smile lit up his whole face, and Louis’ heart felt light as Harry’s dimple popped, as familiar as his own face at times. Harry nodded slowly and he set down the guitar gently into its stand, following Louis out of the room. 

They stood in the kitchen together, Louis setting down some ingredients on the side so they could make some sort of pasta together, and somehow, the conversation flowed easily between them, like they hadn’t spent five long years apart, not talking to each other. They laughed and joked as they cooked side by side, Harry easily taking charge of things. Louis managed to boil water, the only thing Harry allowed him to do as he didn't know how competent Louis was in the kitchen now, and in a way, Louis wished he could surprise him and show him just how much he’d changed since all those years ago.

Louis fished out a nice bottle of wine from the back of a cupboard, holding it up to Harry with a questioning expression.

“Want to share this?”

Harry blanched and shook his head, looking down at his feet. “I… I can’t, Lou. I don’t drink, not since rehab. Sorry, I…”

“No, shit, I should have thought. Fuck, I’m sorry, Haz.” Louis quickly stuffed the wine away again and grabbed two glasses, filling them with water from the tap. “That was really fucking ignorant of me, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. You don’t have issues with it, so it’s natural you’d think to have a drink with dinner.”

“But I should have-”

“Lou, please. It’s fine. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Water’s fine, dinner looks good. Let’s just enjoy our evening, okay?”

Louis nodded, and served up, piling both plates full of food and he put them onto the table, himself and Harry sliding into the wooden seats, tucking in eagerly. They chatted easily, giggling as Harry twirled long lengths of spaghetti around his fork, using a piece of bread to mop up the sauce left on his plate. It was a delicious meal, and Louis appreciated not having to eat alone. It was nice to make conversation over the table with someone other than Nick, and Louis reluctantly had to admit it was easy to talk to Harry again.

“Good food, Lou.”

“Yeah, wasn’t bad, was it? Want anything else?”

“Nah, pretty full. Shall we go and sit down for a bit before I head off?”

Louis nodded and piled the plates into his small dishwasher, leaving the pot to soak in the sink as he followed Harry into the sitting room, watching his friend sit down the half glass of water he had left over. Louis picked up the TV remote and flicked through the channels, stopping on a film channel that was showing an old movie Louis loved.

Harry was laid out by now, and Louis felt ridiculously fond as he watched Harry settle down on the cushion, moving it around until he was completely comfortable. They watched in easy silence, Clifford padding in eventually, flopping down with a grumble onto the floor as Harry had stolen his usual evening sofa space. Louis relaxed, lifting his feet up onto the small table. It had been a very pleasant afternoon, more than he could have hoped for, but in a way, he wasn’t at all surprised.

This is how things had always been between himself and Harry - easy, natural. They’d never had to work at their friendship from the moment they’d met in Year Seven, and the older they got, the closer they got, especially when they realised they had the same interests. Being in the band together had been a natural evolution of the friendship he and Harry had had, and as painful as the memories of the demise of everything was, Louis still held those memories so close to his heart. Some of his best moments had been with these boys, and no matter what had happened between them, nothing could take those moments away from him.

He glanced over as the credits rolled for the movie, and he was surprised to see Harry entirely sound asleep on his sofa, jaw dropped open as he snored softly, something Louis knew he’d always done. Louis smiled to himself as a few memories flooded his mind, and he stood up, stretching out his back for a moment as Clifford ignored his every move, in as deep a sleep as Harry apparently was. 

Louis carefully stepped over to where Harry was and reached for the knitted blanket Jay had made him years ago, pulling it down and over Harry’s sleeping body. Louis made sure Harry was completely covered up, even though he knew Harry would probably kick it off while he slept if he was anything like he used to be when he was asleep. Without thinking, Louis leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to Harry’s forehead, whispering goodnight before he left the room, flicking off the light as he did so.

It wasn’t until he was locking and sliding the chain on the front door that he realised what he’d done. He’d glanced across and seen Harry’s keys sitting on the small table in the hallway, and for some reason, it felt wrong. Louis felt a bit sick at the fact he’d so easily let Harry back in his life without really realising it, and the fact he was letting him stay the night, albeit on the sofa, sat uneasily in his stomach. He tried to push aside those thoughts as he climbed the staircase to bed, trying to miss the creaky stair so he wouldn’t wake Harry up.

As Louis slid into bed in a t-shirt and shorts, more than he usually wore to bed, he found it hard to drift off. All he could think about was Harry downstairs, sleeping happily in Louis’ home like it was nothing. It felt right that he was there somehow, like Harry belonged by his side as he’d always been, but that was before. Before everything had changed, before Harry had broken his heart, and changed his life irrevocably. There was part of Louis that had known this would happen once he saw Harry again, that he wouldn’t be able to stay away, but that didn't make it any easier to rationalise. He also knew that Niall would apoplectic when he found out Louis had let Harry stay the night, but that was something to deal with another time. 

For now, sleep was calling.

~*~

“Morning, Lou,” came Harry’s raspy voice from the direction of the doorway, and Louis spun around, setting down his pill tray as he did so. “Oh shit, sorry, I-”

“Harry, it’s fine. Come in, sit down. I’ve just put on a pot of tea, prefer it in the mornings. You want one?”

“Yeah, uh, if you don’t mind.” 

Louis watched as Harry rubbed at his eyes, something he’d never really outgrown from when he was a child if Anne was to be believed, and Louis felt endeared towards the other man. He continued with his pills, picking out another couple of pills from the day’s slot into his hand, leaving them on the table before he went to get a glass of water.

“Is this every day? Like, that amount of pills, I mean?” Harry walked into the kitchen and reached out, grazing his finger down the side of the bottles set at the side of the worktop as he looked at it with something Louis couldn’t quite read in his eyes. “I-”

“Harry, it’s fine. If you have any questions, I don’t mind you asking them, really.”

“Okay, um…” Harry paused as he watched Louis pick up two small pills, set them on his tongue and then swallow them with a drink of water. “What are they for? Like, I know they’re for your epilepsy, but what…”

“What do they do?” 

Harry nodded, and Louis indicated to him to sit down.

“Okay, well. You’re right, some of them are for my epilepsy, but there’s a couple of others as well.” Louis picked up three of the bottles and set them down in front of Harry. “These ones are my anticonvulsants. It’s a little uncommon to need three different types but it’s taken a while for the doctors to settle on a regimen that keeps my seizures under control. It’s always changing, but for now, these ones work best for my tonic-clonics.”

“Your what-whats?”

“My tonic clonics. Those are my most common seizures. They’re, uh, like the one I had with you that day. It’s what people think of as a typical epileptic fit, I guess.” Harry nodded, and Louis dragged over another bottle. “This one is a Vitamin D supplement, more precautionary than anything else because epileptics can be prone to developing osteoporosis. Then this one-” he indicated a small clear bottle. “This is my anti-nausea med. I don’t always take this but at the moment, I’m having bad bouts of nausea, and this is helping me control it a bit.”

Harry went quiet for a moment, and Louis looked up, watching as he ran a hand through his hair as he swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he did so, breaths coming out slowly.

“And, uh, those ones? What do they do?”

Louis blushed and looked down at the table, fiddling with his fingertips a bit, suddenly nervous about admitting to this one.

“Louis? You don’t have to tell me, I totally get it-”

“No, I want to, it’s just… they’re for my anxiety. I’ve…” He took a breath and forced himself to look up, to face Harry as he spoke. “I’ve had a lot of panic attacks since… well. Yeah. These help me control it. I get anxiety about going out, which is why I’m here so much. I’m working on it, going out, I mean. But it’s a work in progress… I’m trying, though.”

He felt stunned as he watched Harry’s bottom lip wobble, clearly finding it hard to take in what Louis had divulged to him. Louis himself knew it was a lot for anyone to hear, but it must be harder for Harry knowing he was the reason Louis had to take all of these medications every day for the rest of his life. He flinched when he felt a warm hand resting on his thigh, a reassuring touch from Harry.

“Lou… it’s okay, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I mean, this is so much for anyone, I don’t think I could be as strong as you are-”

Louis didn't think as he rested his own hand on top of Harry’s, linking them both for a moment as Harry flipped his hand over, lacing his fingers with Louis’. 

“I don’t feel strong. Not anymore.”

“But you are. More than you know. I’m just… I’m so sorry you have to go through all this.”

Louis stared at Harry for a moment, something passing between them as the words Harry had spoken lingered in the air.

“I know you are.” He got up and headed for the kettle, leaving Harry by himself again. “I’d better make some breakfast… they make me as sick as a dog if I take them on an empty stomach.”

Harry nodded knowingly as Louis moved around the room, Clifford creeping in quietly and sitting at Harry’s feet. “That must have been hard at first, I remember how you used to hate eating breakfast before noon…”

Harry blushed at the admittance of knowing something so personal about Louis, but Louis nodded, knowing he was entirely right. 

“Yeah, took a bit of getting used to. But like I say, so much is different now. Toast?”

“Yeah, that’d be good, just butter-”

“Butter and jam, I remember.”

Harry smiled shyly, and Louis poured two cups of tea, setting them on the table before he bustled about in the cupboard, grabbing the loaf of bread before he put four slices in his toaster, glad he had the bigger appliance now, even though he usually only made breakfast for one.

“You sleep well, then? I know my sofa isn’t the most comfortable, especially for your long legs.”

“It was fine. I, uh, I appreciate you letting me stay, you didn't have to.”

“Ah, I couldn’t bring myself to wake you up, you looked cosy. Anyway, no skin off my nose if you kipped here. Drink up, Haz, I’ll grab the toast.”

Louis made to go off and pick up the pieces of bread from the toaster where they’d just popped when fingers circling his wrist stopped him in his tracks. He turned and looked to Harry, who still had a crease in his cheek from the cushion cover he’d slept on, and Louis resisted the urge to reach out and sweep his hair out of his eyes.

“You don’t have to be this kind to me, Lou, and I… I just wanted you to know I really appreciate it. That you’ve let me back in your life.”

Louis felt a lump in his throat, and he knew if he spoke, his voice would wobble and betray him. Instead, he just nodded with a slight smile, and withdrew his hand, watching as Harry’s hand landed back in his lap again. He set out the butter and jams before he put a plate in the middle of the table with the toast on, smiling as Harry let him take the top piece.

“Tuck in, H.”


	11. Chapter 11

“Personally, I think it would be better if you went into the chorus there, and save that last bit for the second verse. I just feel it works well there, in terms of progression?”

Harry nodded, scribbling in his notebook as Louis strummed a few notes on the guitar again, singing lowly as he ran through the song they’d been working on that morning. It had been a few days since Harry had spent the night at Louis’ place, and since then, they’d been texting more often than not. Louis had even hunted down Harry’s Instagram account, trying to work out what some of his more obscure arty pictures meant.

There had been one image that had caught his eye the other night when he couldn’t sleep, and still, Louis adored the line that Harry had typed under the photo of a stunning flower filled meadow:  _ The summertime and butterflies all belong to your creation _ . As much as he wanted to ask Harry about it, he couldn’t bring himself to as that would mean admitting he’d been stalking his social media like some obsessed teenager. He’d just saved the picture into his camera roll, and let it fester away in the depths of his mind.

“Yeah, I like that, Lou. Let me try?”

Louis nodded, and sat back, guitar resting across his thighs as Harry stood his notebook up against the vase of flowers on Louis’ coffee table, playing the intro to the song easily before his soft voice came in. Louis allowed his eyes to shut as Harry sang the emotive lyrics, holding back from the power Louis knew he had in his voice as this song didn't need it. Harry’s vocal control had always been second to none, and it was at moments like this Louis realised how much he’d missed this, writing with Harry, hearing him sing the words they’d written together back at him.

_ I think I'm gonna lose my mind, _ __  
_ Something deep inside me, I can't give up, _ __  
_ I think I'm gonna lose my mind, _ __  
_ I roll and I roll 'til I'm out of luck, yeah, _ _  
_ _ I roll and I roll 'til I'm out of luck,_

_ I'm feeling something deep inside, _ __  
_ Hotter than a jet stream burning up, _ __  
_ I got a feeling deep inside, _ __  
_ It's taking, it's taking all I've got, yeah, _ _  
_ _ It's taking, it's taking all I've got_

_ 'Cause nobody knows you, baby, the way I do, _ __  
_ And nobody loves you, baby, the way I do, _ __  
_ It's been so long, it's been so long, maybe you are fireproof, _ _  
_ _ 'Cause nobody saves me, baby, the way you do_

“Lou? Did you not like it?”

“Huh?”

“You went all quiet on me. Please be honest, do we need to change it again?”

“No, it was… it was perfect, actually. Like, really good. Don’t change it, I love it.”

“Yeah?” 

Louis nodded, a small smile creeping across Harry’s lips at his words. 

“Yeah, love. It’s great.”

Harry’s face lit up with a big smile then, and Louis pushed down the butterflies he got in his belly from how it felt to make Harry smile like that again. It was something he used to take for granted, that he can pull big grins and belly laughs of out Harry easily, but now, it felt like each one was worth so much more.

They were startled from their stares at each other by the ringing of the doorbell, and Louis reluctantly pulled himself to his feet, setting down the guitar on the floor.

“I’ll just see who that is, you can wait here if you want?”

“Okay, will do. I’ll see if I can work out that harmony for the chorus.”

Louis nodded and jogged down the stairs, feeling lighter on his feet than he had in awhile. He could see a shadow through the mottled glass of his front door, and pulled it open, grinning at the man on the other side of the door, stepping back to let him in.

“What are you doing here, Nick?”

“Just thought I’d bring you some lunch. I was doing my Nigella Lawson bit this morning making some soup and as usual, I made too much.” Nick held up the pot in his hands, and Louis laughed, shaking his head. He knew full well Nick had made too much on purpose, that he worried about Louis eating enough, and this was his way of providing Louis with some food for the next few days without being too overbearing.

“You’re just too good to me, Nicholas. Come through, I can have some for lunch-”

Louis cut off when the pair of them heard heavy footsteps on the stairs, and Nick practically gawped as he watched Harry emerge from upstairs, joggers slung low on his hips, t-shirt clinging tightly to his frame. Louis swallowed heavily, too aware of what it must look like, but he stood up straight, folding his arms over his chest as Harry came to a stop next to him.

“Nick, right? Good to see you again, mate.” Harry held out his hand, and Louis snatched the pot from Nick’s hands, allowing him to shake Harry’s hand in return.

“Yeah, didn't expect to see you here again, Harry. How have you been?”

Louis turned and headed for the kitchen, but stilled as Harry rested a hand on his arm, taking the pot from him with a smile, nodding to let Louis go ahead of him towards the kitchen. 

“I’m good. Working with Lou on a few new songs. Busy, busy, you know how it is.” Harry rested the pot on the worktop, and Louis grabbed a few tupperware cases, wanting to freeze some of the soup for later on, knowing it would nice to have on an evening when he wasn’t up for cooking. “This smells good, did you make it?”

Harry and Nick made small talk while Louis busied himself, feeling a bit awkward about the two facets of his life colliding like this. He knew Harry and Nick had met before when he’d had his seizure, but watching two people who meant such different things in his life conversing like this was odd. Something felt unsettled inside him as he watched Harry sit at the table, Nick quickly joining him, waiting for Louis before they headed out to the patio.

“Do you remember that, Lou? When we toured up in Scotland, and they gave us that bloody soup at the hotel with the floating things in it that Niall said were dead flies-” Harry cut himself off, laughing loudly, and Louis couldn’t help joining in. When his eyes met with Harry’s, he cut himself off, feeling a strange sensation in his belly, almost like sickness, although it couldn’t be as he’d had breakfast hours ago. Harry frowned at his change in demeanour but Louis turned away, finishing up making Nick’s coffee.

“Let me grab those, Lou,” Nick said, and Louis allowed him to pick up their two mugs, leaving Harry’s on the side. Louis grabbed it reluctantly, and the three men headed out to Louis’ patio, basking in the warm sunshine. Louis purposely took a seat on Nick’s side of the table, wanting to keep a bit of distance between himself and Harry, although he couldn’t put his finger on why exactly he wanted that. Harry didn't seem bothered, and just crossed his legs at the ankles, staring out over Louis’ garden.

“How’s work, Nick?” Louis asked, and Nick began talking about his job, about the interesting people he’d met that week, and Louis listened intently, ignoring Harry’s occasional coughs and taps of his feet, getting progressively more annoyed as he did so. 

“Niall texted me the other day,” Nick butted in, and Louis’ eyes flitted over to Harry, watching the blood drain from his face at the mention of his former band mate and friend. “He said we should have a get together at some point when he’s back from the States.”

“Sounds good. Been ages since we hung out with him and Li,” Louis agreed, hating that he felt slightly guilty for the fact Harry was being left out of these plans. 

“Remember the late night movie marathons we all used to have, Lou?” Harry interrupted, a wistful smile on his face. “We used to plan to watch one or two movies, then before we knew it, it was six in the morning and we hadn’t slept at all. How we used to function like that, I’ll never know.”

Louis nodded, smiling slightly as he fell into his memories. “Yeah, it was mental. Still, I ‘spose we had youth on our side-”

“Yep, you’re an old man now, Tommo,” Nick said with a laugh, making Louis reach out to elbow him, making Nick whine and rub at his sore bicep, Louis grinning. 

Louis noticed Harry roll his eyes out of the corner of his eye, but ignored it, wishing the two of them could stop trying to better the other. “Shall I sort something with Niall then?”

“Yeah, whatever,” Louis mumbled, feeling off in his own world. He looked over as Clifford padded out, eyeballing the three men before surprising them all by heading over to Harry and resting his head on Harry’s thigh, panting heavily. Harry’s eyes looked up, looking at Louis and then Nick before they dropped to Clifford, reaching out to rub between his ears. 

“Guess it’s my turn for a pet to like me, think Dusty always preferred you to me, Lou,” Harry mused, referencing his childhood cat who’d always abandoned Harry’s lap for Louis’ whenever he was around. Louis didn't respond to Harry’s remarks. He wasn’t sure why, but it felt wrong somehow that Clifford had gone straight to Harry rather than Nick or himself as he usually would do. Louis pushed down the bubble of something once more, and roughly grabbed his tea, splashing a bit on the table before he took a few gulps, ignoring the fact it was still too hot as he swallowed it down. He finished it and slammed the empty cup down on the wooden table, making Clifford and both men jump.

“I’m going to get the lunch. You both want soup?”

“Yeah, please,” Nick called, resting his feet on the spare chair, looking up at the few clouds floating through the sky.

“Yeah, let me help you-”

“Just stay there, okay? I can manage soup on my own,” Louis snapped, and Harry bit his lip, nodding as he sank back into his chair, looking thoroughly chastised. Louis didn't feel bad as he banged his way around the kitchen, heating up the soup on the hob before he divided it into three bowls, putting them on a brightly coloured tray, walking out slowly and carefully, focusing on each step. “Here you go.”

“Thank you, Louis,” Harry murmured as Louis set down a bowl in front of him, not meeting Louis’ eyes. A flash of something Louis felt might be guilt flooded his veins but he ignored it, finishing putting the cutlery down and sitting down next to Nick again. Nick and Harry made quiet conversation about the music Harry and Louis had been working on, and Louis’ head flew back and forth as if he were at a tennis match, watching them back and forth with each other, their banter becoming more confident as they spoke, clearly trying to get one up on each other. Eventually, Louis had had enough and dropped his spoon into his now empty bowl with a clang, startling the pair of them from their conversation.

“If you two are quite done-” he snapped into the silence and pushed back from the table, the wooden legs of his chair scraping loudly on the slabs beneath him as he stood up, storming back inside, wishing he could put his finger on exactly what was making him feel out of sorts today. He knew he’d left a shocked Harry and Nick in his wake, but part of him just didn't care. He’d had enough, but he wasn’t exactly sure what he’d had enough of.

 

_ Three days later _

“You want to stay for dinner again? I thought we could just have stir fry or something? Make it easy on us?”

“Well, if that’s okay with you, I don’t want to impose,” Harry murmured from across the room, and Louis hated that Harry felt unsure about his invitation. He nodded and Harry smiled shyly, fingers nervously moving up and down the fretboard of the guitar in his hand.

Louis knew things had been awkward between them since the other day when Nick had dropped by to have lunch with them. It had been strange for so many reasons, mainly because Louis had been in a peculiar mood, and had been a bit rude to both of his guests, leaving a bit of an atmosphere which only ended once Harry had had to leave later that afternoon, leaving Nick and Louis alone to watch some football on telly in silence. But when Harry had text a few days later asking to meet up to work again, Louis hadn’t been able to say no, knowing how important these songs were to Harry for his album.

“Gonna come and help me then?”

Harry nodded and once more, they walked together through Louis’ house, gathering the ingredients from the fridge. Louis was pleased he’d had his online shop delivered the night before, and was more pleased about a couple of things he’d stocked up on just in case Harry had popped by.

They talked easily as they chopped and peeled vegetables, Harry flicking them from the edge of the wok with a professional flair Louis could only hope to emulate one day, and just hopped up onto the worktop, allowing Harry to take over, happy to watch him work.

“So, how many more songs do you think we need to work on? We’ve done, what, four so far?”

“Yeah, and they’re so good, Lou, seriously. A few other songwriters have sent me stuff but I just haven’t connected with it, not the way I have with our stuff. I’d like to do another three or four with you, if you’re up for it?”

“Yeah, course. Noodles are over in that one-” Louis called as Harry rifled through his big cupboard, not shy at helping himself in Louis’ kitchen now. “What’s that sauce you’ve put in there?”

“Black bean. It was in your cupboard, Lou, you must have bought it..”

“Did I?” Louis scrunched his nose, trying to remember putting it in his Ocado shopping basket on his laptop the other day. “Must have had an inspired moment. I’ll set the table.”

He jumped down and set out a few mats, plates and wine glasses, not missing how Harry’s eyes followed him as he set those down on the table, and he knew the thought was making Harry nervous so he decided to put him out of his misery. He walked over to the fridge and pulled out a glass bottle, holding it out in front of him.

“I, uh, I remembered. I thought you might want to share this?”

Harry blushed as he read the bottle of the Schloer drink that Louis was proffering, nodding shyly, twirling a ring around on his finger as the dinner cooked quietly behind him. “You didn't have to get something in just for me, water would have been fine-”

“No, I wanted to. Anyway, I like this stuff. Phoebe and Daisy like to drink it and pretend it’s wine, bless ‘em,” Louis said, making Harry laugh as he twisted off the cap, pouring a bit into each glass. “I want you to know I support you, with the no drinking thing.”

“Thank you,” Harry whispered as he turned back to the dinner, stirring it once more before deeming it ready. They ate and chatted together, devouring the food until their plates were empty and their bellies were full, the bottle of Schloer nearly empty. Louis hadn’t missed drinking alcohol with his meal at all, and it felt nice to eat with Harry again. They loaded the dishwasher and Harry knelt in front of Louis’ DVD collection while he went upstairs to get changed into something comfortable.

“Lou? Can we watch a romcom?” 

Louis sighed and shook his head, tilting his head to the side as he stopped in the doorway, oddly endeared by the sight of Harry sat cross-legged on his floor surrounded by DVD cases. “Erm, no? We watched a soppy one last time and you fell asleep. My choice now. Action all the way.”

“Louuuuu,” Harry pouted, blinking at Louis, batting his eyelashes comically at him. “Pretty please? I don’t like guns and that before bed, you know it makes me have bad dreams. We could watch Love Actually?”

“Fucking hell, your obsession with that movie knows no bounds, does it?” 

Harry looked up from the floor, shaking his head, making his curls fly around. He was wearing a ratty old tank top, and it was baring much more skin than Louis was used to with Harry. He could see every inch of his tattoos, and couldn’t stop his eyes from roaming to see if there were any additions. Somehow, the old neck tattoos that were beginning to fade didn’t fit with the new Harry that he was getting to know, and they were a constant reminder of their joint past. Some of them made Louis physically ache to look at, and he averted his eyes. 

“Anything but that. Anything, Harold.”

“But it’s my favourite-“ Harry whined, and Louis sighed, shaking his head before he walked over to the sofa, falling into the corner in his usual spot before Harry could nab it. “Ah, I knew you’d give in!”

Louis watched as Harry slid the disk into his old DVD player and skipped over to the sofa, diving into the spare space next to Louis, nudging him with his elbow, grinning broadly at him. Louis ignored him but kicked out at Harry, laughing when Harry’s fingers looped around his slim ankle, tickling the bottom of Louis’ foot.

“Ah! Harry, don’t- fuck off, you know I hate my feet being tickled - fuck off!”

Harry laughed but carried on, making Louis squirm around on the sofa, desperately trying to escape. They only broke apart when the insistent trill from Louis’ phone became apparent to both of them. Louis glanced over at his phone, and Harry quickly dropped his foot, letting Louis stand up, straightening his now twisted clothes out.

“Did you need to answer that?” Harry asked, reaching forward for the remote, tapping through the menu on screen.

“Uh, it’s not a call. It’s my alarm to remind me to take my pills again. So, I’ll… just go and do that. Get the film ready, yeah?”

“Yeah, okay,” Harry replied, much more softly than he’d spoken before. Louis could see his smile had vanished, and he quickly scuttled from the room, grabbing his pill box from where he’d left it that morning, clicking open the right compartment. He downed the tablets and hurried back, seeing the screen was paused on the opening screen of the film.

It was a film Louis had seen countless times. It was one Harry always wanted to watch when they were teenagers, never bothered Louis moaned that it was a Christmas film, telling Harry over and over again it was boring, even though both of them knew that was a lie. Louis loved it just as much as Harry did, but wasn’t quite as vocal about his love of romcoms as Harry was.

Louis looked down as Harry leaned over to put the remote back on the coffee table, eyes raking over the tattoos on his arms again. He squinted, sure he’d seen something, but by the time he went to have a second look, Harry’s arm was back against his stomach and he couldn’t see. Louis shook his head, sure he have been mistaken. There was no way Harry would do what he thought he’d done, no way. It meant too much for him to do that, surely?

The film continued to play, and as Louis started to sniff when Emma Thompson began to weep as Joni Mitchell crooned in the background, Harry shuffled closer, shifting the cushion that he’d been holding against his tummy to the armrest next to him. Louis tried to will the tears away, hating how this scene always emotionally affected him, but one fell, betraying him. Louis brought up the sleeve of his jumper, trying to swipe it away before Harry could see it but it was too late. Harry smiled softly and brought his arm up, laying it easily around Louis’ shoulders, a movement that would have once been so familiar to the pair of them, they wouldn’t have thought twice about it. Now though, everything was different. This wasn’t supposed to be normal for them, not now. Louis felt the easy feeling in his chest turn to something different, and that sick feeling he’d gotten a taste of the other day came rushing back, stronger than before. 

Louis startled, and sat up, making Harry’s arm drop heavily back to his side, the curly haired man staring back at Louis with a frown. He went to speak but Louis shook his head, stumbling to his feet, anger suddenly coursing through his veins.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“What? I- I was just comforting you, Lou, I-”

Louis stared at Harry, his hands clenched into fists at his sides, giving his anger away. “Don’t. You have no fucking right to think you can be that person for me now.”

“Louis, I-” Harry was standing up now, floundering, hands waving at his sides before he reached to Louis who flinched away, keen to put some space between them both.

“Don’t touch me, Harry. Don’t.”

“I don’t understand…” Harry practically whispered, the movie still playing to itself in the background. “I’m sorry, I didn't mean to-”

“No, you never do, do you? You didn't mean to push me over and make me whack my head, ruining my life. You didn't mean to turn up on my doorstep and turn my life upside down again just when things were finally going well for me-”

“Louis, that’s not fair, I didn't know-”

“So you say. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I said DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME!”

Harry snatched his hand back, shoving them into the pockets of his joggers, understanding from Louis’ loud yells that he really didn't want to be touched. Louis knew he was being irrational. He did. But something inside him had ignited and all of his pent up rage and frustration at Harry was tumbling out, an unstoppable barrage of hurt and hatred hanging heavily between them.

“Why did you come back, huh? To rub my face in the fact you can still be someone? That you’ve got your life together while I just sit here and rot, writing songs for other people when all I want to do is get up on stage and sing them myself? Because, yeah, thanks for that, Harry. As usual, you’ve managed to make me feel like a complete fucking failure, but you want to know the best thing?”

“I-”

“It’s all your fault! All of this! You fucking waltz back in here like the last five years didn't happen, like you can just touch me and make out that nothing’s changed! Why? Because it makes you feel better?”

“No, Louis, please-”

“Shut the fuck up. Shut. Up.” Louis’ hands came up, pulling at his hair as he stomped around, feeling completely out of control now. Harry was stood still in front of Louis’ sofa, eyes fixed on the ground, quite clearly uncomfortable but Louis didn't care. He needed Harry to know how much he was hurting, that letting him back in after so long was the biggest mistake he’d ever made.

“Why was I stupid enough to think we could be anything like friends again, huh? I was doing fucking fine without you, Harry, and you’ve just come back and fucked EVERYTHING up. I wish you’d fucking stayed away from me.”

Silence filled the room as Louis took a few deep breaths as Harry changed position, his arm catching Louis’ eye again, remembering what he’d seen earlier, determined to see if he was right. He stormed over, snatching up Harry’s arm by the wrist, scoffing when he saw he was right.

“Fucking hell… and I was stupid enough to think it meant something to you-”

“Louis, what are you-”

“This, Harry-” Louis spat out, jabbing the inside of Harry’s forearm where a half masked tattoo sat inked into his skin. To anyone but the two of them, it looked like some silly little stickman drawing that Harry would have got when he was drunk or high, but in fact, it was a matching tattoo to an identical one that Louis had on his own arm, something they’d gotten together to commemorate the fact they had met at the skate park behind their school, and it had been their little thing for so long. Now, though, the tattoo was partially covered with a ridiculous looking animal stripe inked into Harry’s skin, obscuring the stickman and the skateboard underneath his feet. “Did this fucking mean nothing to you?”

Harry rapidly shook his head, curls flying all over the place. “It did- it does, Louis, I-”

“Really? Then why did you fucking ruin it? Because it fucking meant something to me, Harry, that’s why I have the same fucking thing, remember?” Louis wrenched back the sleeve of his hoodie, baring his own inked forearm and pointing to the tattoo.

Harry put his hands up in defence, trying to step closer to Louis who only backed further away. “Louis, I swear… doing what I did to this was such a fucking mistake. I was so high, I’d… shit, I’d been injecting shit all night, and I didn't know what I was doing-”

“Oh, of fucking course it was, go and blame everything on being drunk or fucking high, like you always do. It’s your go-to excuse for everything, isn’t it?”

Harry’s bottom lip was wobbling now, but Louis didn't care. One more glance down at Harry’s ruined tattoo made the decision for him.

“Get out, Harry. Just… get out.”

Louis fully expected Harry to argue, to beg to be allowed to stay but he just nodded, head hung to the floor as he grabbed his jumper off the back of the armchair, slipping wordlessly past Louis’ body, heading into the hallway. Louis faltered momentarily, wondering if this was what he really wanted but he knew he couldn’t stop now. He was finally free. Harry was leaving.

Harry shoved his feet into his battered old trainers, something Louis knew he’d never be seen out in public in, and the fact he’d happily wore them here made Louis pause, watching Harry yank his jumper on, hand now on the front door catch, opening it and taking a step forwards before he paused, turning to look at Louis, obvious tears shining in his eyes.

“Am I going to see you again?”

Louis swallowed, nodding slightly before he spat out his next words.

“Well, we have to work together, don’t we?”

Harry just gave a quick nod and turned, pulling the door shut as he disappeared, leaving Louis alone. The house suddenly felt ridiculously empty, and Louis slowly released a deep breath he’d just taken in, walking back to the living room. He looked around, fists clenching again as he saw the two glasses of orange juice Harry had got them both before the movie had started sitting on the table, nearly empty now. It set off another set of feelings inside Louis, and he turned, rage filling every part of him as he turned, slamming his fist into the mirror on the back wall, the glass shattering under the pressure, slicing through Louis’ skin like scissors through paper. 

Louis couldn’t feel the pain and just watched as blood dripped down his hand onto the carpet beneath him, shards of glass glinting in the low light of the room. He stood there for a few minutes until the pain finally started to set in, and Louis began to panic. His hands started to shake and he gingerly stepped away from the broken glass, sitting at the table, iphone in his uninjured hand. He knew there was only person he could really trust to come over and deal with the mess he’d made, so pulled up their contact, leaving the phone on speaker hoping it wouldn’t ring out.

“Hello?”

“Z… I need help, mate-”

~*~

“Ow… fuck…”

Louis moaned and blinked into the soft light in his bedroom, wincing as a sharp pain ran through his hand. He lifted it up and frowned at the bandage wrapped around it, turning it over like that would make anything any clearer. He let it flop back to his side, jumping when instead of hitting the mattress, it fell against a warm body. Louis stilled, holding his breath as he tried to remember who might be sharing his bed. For a moment, he thought it might be Harry, and he slowly turned his head, sighing with what felt like relief when he saw dark hair that most definitely didn't belong to Harry, and all of a sudden, everything rushed back to him.

Last night. Harry. The fight. Louis punching a mirror. Blood. Tears. Alcohol.

With that, Louis’ stomach lurched and he got out of bed as quickly as he could, fighting with the sheets until they pooled on the floor, and he sprinted for the bathroom, throwing up the contents of his stomach into the toilet with loud retches he knew would disturb even Zayn from his sleep. His throat burned from being sick, and when he finally felt empty, he stood up, grimacing as he flushed the toilet, heading straight for the sink.

He swished his mouth out and brushed his teeth before he looked at himself in the mirror, wincing at what a mess he looked. His eyes were red rimmed, his cheeks were sunken and his skin had a horrid grey pallor to it. He almost didn't recognise himself, and he only looked away when he caught movement in the corner of his eye, turning around slowly, meeting Zayn’s eyes.

“Fucking hell, I wanna die.”

“Stop being dramatic. Get some breakfast and tea inside you, and you’ll be fine. Come on, downstairs. We need to talk anyway.”

Louis just nodded, pulling his t-shirt over his head, throwing it in the direction of the linen bin as he left the room, following Zayn down the stairs wearing just a pair of boxers, neither man bothered by his state of undress. Louis slumped over at the table while Zayn moved around his kitchen with ease, preparing the two of them some breakfast, the kettle boiling quietly in the background. Louis’ head was spinning and he rested it on the cool wood of the table, groaning as his stomach churned, smelling the toast Zayn appeared to be burning.

“Get that down ya,” Zayn spoke sternly, the plate clattering onto the table in front of Louis. He wrinkled his nose at the sight of the slightly charred bread but picked a slice up between his fingers, gingerly nibbling on it. He watched as Zayn fetched his pill box, pulling out the morning’s dose, leaving it next to the tea he’d put down as well. It was times like this he wasn’t sure what he’d do without Zayn in his life. “So are we going to talk properly about last night now you’re not bleeding to death, and pissed out of your brains?”

“Not really,” Louis mumbled, keen to shove more bread in his mouth so he couldn’t speak. Unfortunately for him, the bread soon ran out, and Zayn was eye-balling him across the table, clearly keen to get a conversation started. “Didn't I fill you in last night when you got here?”

“Yes, but now you’re sober, I’d like to hear it again.”

“Fuck, fine,” Louis grumbled, swallowing his pills down before he sat back against the chair, nervously tapping his toes on the bare floor. “Harry came round to write. Which was fine, like, I don’t mind working with him. We worked on a few songs, and it was all good. Then he stayed for dinner, cos it was late and after we watched a movie. That’s when it all went to shit.”

“And what did he do?”

“I mean… saying it now sounds fucking pathetic, but he put his arm around me. I just… I hate that he’s wheedling his way back into my life, Zayn, that he thinks he can do that to me again. I don’t want to get hurt, not again. He hurt me before, and I’m not sure I’d get over it if I let him do it again.”

“Right. So he tried to, what, comfort you, and you shrugged him off?”

“Sort of,” Louis muttered, cheeks starting to flush as the memories rushed back, of the awful things he’d said to Harry before he’d forced him out in the middle of the night. “I kinda… pushed him away, I guess?”

“I see. And did he seem upset?”

“I guess. But he deserved it, Z, he-”

“Because he put his arm around you?”

“Fuck - see, I knew no-one else would get it. It’s just… it’s a lot, okay? After five years, he’s back, and there’s this whole bunch of feelings that comes with that, and I just… I don’t know how I feel about having him in my life again, okay? He’s got no right to just come marching back in here acting like nothing’s happened, like we’re best mates again.” Louis realised that was probably an unfair comment since it wasn’t exactly true, but anyway. “And I said some shit I probably shouldn’t have…”

“Oh shit, Louis, you and your fucking mouth. You always were a nasty twat when you’re pissed. What did you say?”

Louis bit his lip, shaking his head, hoping Zayn would understand that he didn't want to talk about it. Instead, Zayn kicked out at Louis’ ankle, connecting sharply which made Louis practically growl at him, bending down to rub at the tender skin. He felt somewhat ashamed at the words he’d said last night to Harry, and he wasn’t particularly keen on the idea of repeating them.

“I just… I blamed it all on him. Said I regretted letting him back in, that it was a mistake giving him another chance. Then I saw his skater tatt, and he’d covered it, Z.  So I lost it when he said he was drunk when he covered it up, and I saw red… I said it was typical of him to blame it on the drink and drugs like he always does.”

There was silence for a few moments, and Louis finally found the courage to look up, startled to see disappointment in Zayn’s eyes as he watched him. Louis sighed, his gaze dipping back down to his thighs, eyeballing some of the tattoos and scars littering his skin.

“I get it. I do. There’s a lot of bad blood between you, Louis. He’s hurt you more than any person ever deserves to be hurt by another, and that’s always going to be there until you can both move past this. And of course you’re gonna blow up sometimes but what you said… that’s not okay, mate.”

Louis remained quiet, knowing Zayn was entirely right, but admitting that out loud was another thing altogether. He chose to just sit and take whatever his best friend needed to say, fully knowing he needed to hear it.

“I know he did some shit stuff, I was there, remember? But what he went through… it’s a disease. You know that as well as I do. You cannot blame him for struggling, for doing some of the shit he did after everything. You throwing it back in his face like that… that would have hurt. I know you’re hurting too, but still….”

Shame flooded Louis’ body then. He knew that Harry had battled with drug and alcohol addiction long before his accident, and that hurting Louis had pushed him over the edge. He also knew Harry had fought hard to get clean and sober, and by saying what he had last night, he’d thrown all of that work back in Harry’s face, reducing him to a drug addict and alcoholic in his eyes once more.

As much as he knew Zayn was right, it angered him that his so-called best friend was sticking up for Harry now. He was meant to be on Louis’ side completely, to understand why Louis was so enraged last night, why he’d needed to get Harry out of his house. He decided to tell him as much, sitting up straighter, his voice coming out stronger and steadier than it had all morning.

“Oh right, so that makes everything he’s done in the past okay, does it? Fuck off Z,  you know the shit I’ve been through, don’t start being on Harry’s side now-”

“I’m not on anyone’s side, Lou. You’re my best mate and I love you, but I’m not afraid to tell you when you’re wrong, you know that. Yes, he was a fucking twat back then. But even I can see he’s changed, just from what you’ve told me. And I get that you’re upset about him coming back into your life, I do. I’d be fucking daft not to understand that. But you’re not the only one going through shit, okay? Harry is, too. He’s just as hurt as you are by what happened, and it’s time you tried to understand that, and not just focus on yourself. You’re both hurt and damaged by your pasts.”

For some reason, all of the fight left Louis then. He slumped forwards, head on his arms which were supported by the table, and he just groaned, realising he’d made what was already a volatile situation last night even worse, and over what? An arm around his shoulders, and an old tattoo that Louis had forgotten about until he saw it last night?

“Shit. I fucked up, didn't I?”

“Yep, just a little bit,” Zayn replied, resting a hand on Louis’ shoulder for a moment before he stood up to clear up the table. As he walked away, Louis spoke, finally feeling able to voice the words that had been on the tip of his tongue all morning since he’d woken up.

“I’m scared, Zayn.”

For a moment, he wasn’t sure if Zayn had heard him. He continued rinsing off the plates in the sink, ignoring the presence of the dishwasher as he always did, and dried his hands before he turned around to face Louis again, back leaning against the worktop behind him.

“Scared of what, Lou?”

“Of letting him hurt me again. I…” He cut himself off, the words almost too much to say. “I don’t know if I want to fall for him again, Z.”

Zayn sighed, shaking his head as he folded his arms across his chest, a rueful smile on his lips. “I don’t think you have a choice, Louis,” he spoke softly, dark eyes meeting Louis’ across the room. “Seems like it might be too late for that.”

Louis just groaned and flopped his forehead back down to the table, colliding with the wood with a hollow thump, the pain blocking out everything else.

~*~

“Come on, boy, Pig and Stinky are waiting for you,” Louis called to Clifford as he opened the door, watching his dog run out into the front garden, sniffing at the flowers in the borders while Louis picked up the bag of food he’d prepared to take with him to Nick’s. He didn't like to arrive empty handed, and after four days holed up at home, alone and feeling sorry for himself, he was looking forward to a bit of company.

They walked up the dusty path together, Louis not bothering with a lead since Clifford wasn’t in the habit of running off. He was a loyal dog, and it wasn’t like there was any traffic around that would be a danger anyway, so they mosied up the path, Clifford stopping to sniff every tree and plant along the way, slowing them down but Louis didn't mind. The morning sun was beating down on them, and it felt like a perfect day. 

Louis’ phone, however, was burning a hole in his pocket. He’d finally plucked up the courage last night to text Harry, apologising for how he’d behaved and asked him to meet again but he’d met with silence. Worst of all was the fact he knew Harry had read his message, since it had ticked over to  _ read  _ just ten minutes after he’d sent it, but getting nothing back was a kick in the teeth. It hurt.

He ignored it as he opened the latch to Nick’s front gate, letting Clifford bound merrily up the path, recognising where they were. Nick must have been watching as he opened the door, chatting quietly to Clifford as he rubbed his ears, barks filling the air as Clifford, Pig and Stinky met each other again, no doubt running around Nick’s living room in sheer excitement at seeing one another again. 

“Morning, Lewis. Come in, glad to see you’ve brought supplies.”

“Only for you, Nicholas,” Louis teased back, letting Nick relieve him of his bags as he kicked off his trainers, leaving them next to Nick’s by the front door. He made a detour into the sitting room, kneeling on the floor while Pig and Stinky bounded over, licking him and whacking him with their tails in excitement before he got up again, joining Nick in the kitchen as he started to make them some lunch.

“Have you heard from him yet, then?”

“Who?”

“Prince fucking William. Who do you think? Harry, dumbass.”

“Rude. And no. I guess he doesn’t want to talk to me at all.”

Nick just shrugged and slid a knife from the block, handing it to Louis who started chopping tomatoes for the salad. They prepared the rest of the lunch in relative silence until they were sat down at the little breakfast bar in Nick’s kitchen, both perched on stools, Louis’ feet dangling in the air as he couldn’t quite reach the foot bar.

“You know he doesn’t like me, don’t you?”

“Harry? Why wouldn’t he like you?” Louis felt confused now, and frowned at his friend, who had spudded a few lettuce leaves and a slice of tomato on his fork.

“He’s jealous. When I came the other day to bring the soup round, he was all territorial. Kept touching you, and bringing up things I wasn’t part of. I don’t know if that was deliberate, but he was staking his claim, Lou.”

“Don’t be so fucking ridiculous,” Louis mumbled, shaking his head. “Harry knows you’re my best mate, I’ve told him enough. Anyway, it’s not like he has anything to be jealous of.”

Nick shrugged, reaching down to stroke Clifford’s head. “I’m only telling ya what I saw, Lou. That was one jealous man. Like it or not, he’s still pining for you. He’s protective as well. Quite sweet, really.”

“Yeah, well, it seems maybe I’ve fucked it up anyway, so you don’t have to worry about fighting for me, love.” Louis knew he was being dismissive, but he felt it was the best way to deal with the plethora of feelings whirling around his body; guilt, regret, anger and too many other emotions to identify. “He doesn’t want to accept my apology, and I have to deal with that.”

Nick watched Louis eat for a moment, and finally set his own fork down with a clink, propping his chin up on his hand. “But you don’t want to, do you? You don’t want Harry out of your life?”

Louis sighed, pushing his plate away from him for a moment. “I don’t know what I want, Nick, if I’m honest. I mean… I still feel angry about how he acted, like nothing had happened, like the past five years never happened between us. But then, I… I kinda miss him? I hate that I do, but I do anyway. What do you think I should do?”

“Hey, no, don’t bring me into this,” Nick quickly cut in, holding his hands up, pulling back. “I want whatever makes you happy, Louis, you know that. And if Harry is what makes you happy.... Why deny yourself that? For pride? Or a grudge? Is it really worth all that?”

Louis pondered over Nick’s words for the next short while, letting him thankfully change the subject, wittering on a for a while about work, and then his mum who’d he gone home to visit. Louis laughed along to Nick’s stories, helping clear the table when they were done, both men flopping on the sofas in front of the TV, watching The Chase as the dogs slept merrily in the pool of sunshine beaming in through the sitting room window. 

“I’ve said I’m sorry,” Louis said softly, feeling Nick’s eyes on him again. “I don’t know what I can do if he won’t listen to me.”

“Keep trying,” Nick suggested. “Show him you mean it. Be persistent. If he feels for you how I think he does, he’ll get in touch. Just… give him time, yeah? You were quite harsh with him, Lou. He probably needs a bit of time to process everything, to work out what to do.”

Louis nodded, appreciating that Nick was being honest with him. “Yeah, okay. I’ll text him again tomorrow, ask to meet up, tell him I want to talk face to face. Not much more I can do, right?”

“Guess not,” came Nick’s short reply, the man looking like he was drifting off where he was sat.


	12. Chapter 12

**To Harry:** _It’s Louis. Again. I know you don’t want to talk to me, but I’ve worked on a few songs, and I’d like your opinion. Can we at least meet to discuss work?_

 **To Harry:** _I’m free tomorrow._

 **To Louis:** _Tomorrow’s fine. I’ll be there at about 10. See you then._

_ ~*~ _

Louis sang along to the Imagine Dragons album he had playing through the speakers dotted around his house as he waited for Harry to arrive. If he was honest, he was fully expecting that Harry would stand him up, that he wouldn’t bother coming around, and in a way, he couldn’t blame him. It had been over a week now since he’d seen Harry, and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t feeling nervous about seeing again. He was well aware he’d fucked up last time, but now was his chance to put it right.

_ Walking the Wire _ had just started playing when the doorbell rang, and instead of turning the music off, Louis just lowered the volume and slowly walked into the hallway. It was a marked change from the last time Harry had turned up, texting that he’d parked and Louis had told him to let himself in. Now, it all felt awkward again, and he took a steadying breath before he opened the front door.

What he saw on the doorstep shocked him. Harry was stood there, but although he knew it was Harry, somehow he looked unrecognisable. Instead of the big, easy grin he’d been sporting the past few times they’d met at Louis’ home, Harry looked miserable. He looked pale and gaunt, and his eyes were missing their usual shine. A hawaiian shirt was hanging from his shoulders, a white t-shirt visible underneath, and he had on black skinny jeans that looked a bit worse for wear. Louis swallowed, realising he was probably the reason behind Harry’s misery, and he stepped aside wordlessly to let him in, shutting the door as Harry hovered nervously in the hallway.

“Come through. You want a tea or something?”

“No, I’m fine, thanks,” Harry replied, his voice low yet soft, and Louis nodded, leading him into the sitting room. Clifford bounded up, recognising the visitor and he circled Harry’s legs a few times until Harry crouched down, greeting Clifford as if he were an old friend, which Louis supposed they were. “Did you want to head upstairs to the music room, or-”

“No, not really,” Louis cut in, determined to do this now before he chickened out. Harry looked up from where he was still on the floor with Clifford and cocked an eyebrow, seemingly trying to work out what was going on. “Can we talk? Please?”

“Louis, I-”

“I know you probably don’t want to hear it. And I get that, I do. But… I need to do this, I need you to hear what I have to say. Please, Harry.”

Harry sighed and got to his feet, nodding before he walked over to the sofa, perching on the edge of it. He didn't look as comfortable as his other visits but Louis just sat opposite him, keeping his eyes locked on him. He hated that Harry had lost his shine, that he looked nervous to be around Louis now. Part of him wanted to reach out and hold Harry’s hand, to make him realise how sorry he was, but for now, all he had was his words and he had to make them count.

“Harry, I was out of order the other day,” he began, nervously fiddling with his own fingers in his lap as Clifford curled into a ball by Harry’s feet, tail wrapped around Harry’s ankle. “What I did, and said… it was unforgivable, and I don’t have an excuse for the words I said to you.”

“Louis, it’s okay-”

“No, it isn’t. It really isn’t. It’s one thing to blow up at you for touching me, to scream at you like that, but to throw your past in your face… the drink and drugs, that was so far out of line. Harry, I’m so sorry. You didn't deserve that, and I can only promise you that I will never throw that back in your face again, not ever.”

Harry’s hand came up and rubbed at his face. He let it drop back down into his lap before he fixed his eyes on Louis again, swallowing hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing with the motion. 

“I forgive you, Louis. I do. I won’t deny that it hurt, because it did. A lot. I felt like we were making progress together, that we’d gotten past a lot of shit, but what happened made me realise that we haven’t. Not really.”

Louis went to speak but Harry held up a hand, an unreadable expression on his face. “Please let me talk? Just for a minute?” Louis nodded, and Harry continued. “I don’t want to pretend that I can make the past and my mistakes disappear, Louis. I hurt you too much for that, and I get it. I’m not trying to be your best friend again, because I get that you will probably never want that from me again, and I’m coming to terms with that. But… I just want to be your friend. That’s all. And if I overstepped by trying to comfort you, then I’m sorry. There was nothing more to it than me trying to be your friend.”

Louis felt his bottom lip start to wobble at Harry’s words, and he hoped that Harry couldn’t see he was struggling to hold himself together.

“Louis… you know that you’re my forever, yeah? That never changed. Whether we’re together, or best friends, or just friends… or less than that if that’s what you need… it doesn’t matter. It was always you, Lou. It’s always going to be you.”

The lump that was already in Louis’ throat rose more rapidly now, and he swallowed it back now, struggling to breathe. Harry’s words were so much, everything he’d ever wanted to hear. “I’ll, uh, I’ll be back in a sec, just… don’t run off, okay?”

He dashed from the room and hid out in the kitchen, palms flat on the wooden table surface as he inhaled and exhaled slowly, well aware that it felt like a panic attack was coming. His heart was racing, and his legs felt like jelly, like they were going to give out. Before they could, Louis lowered himself to the floor, his head on his knees as his hands started to shake, his chest constricting. Everything felt like it was swimming around him, like it was too much, and he shut his eyes, wishing it would all stop.

“Louis… Louis, I’m here, okay? I’m not going anywhere, I promise. I need you to breathe for me, love, please?” 

Warm hands came near to him before they moved away, and Louis scrabbled to grasp at them. Harry must have thought Louis didn't want to be touched because he pulled away and Louis whimpered, stretching out for Harry’s hands again. When they made contact again, Louis moved them so they were palm to palm, lacing their fingers and clutching on tightly, making sure Harry couldn’t go anywhere.

Louis focused on the familiar sound of Harry’s deep voice coaxing him through his panic attack, guiding his breaths until he felt himself calm down enough to open his eyes, tears rolling down his cheeks as he looked into Harry’s own green eyes, seeing nothing but concern in them. They stayed there on the kitchen floor for what felt like hours, but was really probably only ten minutes or so.

“Are you okay?” Harry asked, helping Louis get to his feet before he put an arm around his waist, helping him walk slowly to the sitting room where he lowered him onto the sofa, making sure he was laid down before he crouched at Louis’ side, going to hold his hand again. Louis was grateful for the touch, scared to be alone.

“Don’t leave. Please don’t leave,” was all Louis could reply, and Harry whispered words of reassurance as Louis’ body gave in to the exhaustion he felt after an attack, and he slipped into sleep.

He awoke a few hours later, startling himself into consciousness as he sat up, eyes flying around the room to see if he was alone. What he saw melted his heart, and he felt himself tear up again. Instead of leaving, Harry was still there. He was sat on the floor, head resting on the side of the sofa where Louis was laid out, and he was sound asleep. Clifford was curled up next to him, and Louis couldn’t help but reach out, pushing Harry’s curls away from his face, touching his warm skin.

“What, I… you’re awake. Hey,” Harry said, slowly sitting up and wincing at the twinge in his muscles, protesting from being bent over at an awkward angle for too long. “Sorry, I didn't mean to doze off. Are you okay? Can I get you anything?”

Louis shook his head, shuffling until he was sat up a bit, pulling the blanket Harry must have put over him up over his legs, suddenly feeling chilly. “I… what happened? I can’t remember…”

Harry flushed, and reached out, resting a hand on where Louis’ thigh was covered with the blanket. “You had a panic attack, Lou. We… we talked a bit, and I think it just got a bit much for you.”

“Shit, I’m sorry, I-”

“Don’t be, it’s okay. You asked me not to leave though, so I didn't. I hope that’s okay?”

“Yeah, it really is. Harry, thank you. For not running away, and for taking care of me. I’m so sorry about before, and now this, and… I don’t get it. I don’t.”

“What?”

“Why you’d want to be in my life. I’m a fuck up, Haz. I mean, look at me. Twenty eight years old, and passed out on the sofa because I had a panic attack. It’s pathetic.”

“It isn’t. Anxiety is a real thing, Lou, you have nothing to be ashamed of, especially with everything you have to deal with. I just… I want to help, I do. I want to be your friend, someone you can talk to.”

“You are. You are my friend, Harry, and that’s what scared me, that’s why I flipped out. I never thought you’d be back in my life, and I… I’m scared. I’m scared of being hurt again, of you just walking away from me.”

“I won’t do that, Lou, not again. I, uh, I actually had a thought…”

“Careful,” Louis joked, pulling a small smile from Harry.

“Heyyyyyy,” Harry protested, removing his hand from Louis’ thigh, pushing his hair back out of his face again. “Can I sit up there? My back’s killing me down here.”

“Course,” Louis hurried to say, crossing his legs so Harry could sit at the other end of the sofa. He was surprised when Harry reached for Louis’ feet, resting them in his lap, a hand on top of them before he stared at Louis. “You had an idea, Haz? Or has it disappeared already?”

“Cheeky shit. No, it hasn’t. It’s just… I think I need to show you that I really have changed.”

“Harry, I know you have-”

“No, please, let me talk, Lou. I hurt you so bad, and it’s obvious that you’re going to struggle to believe I’m not the person that I used to be. So I want to prove it to you, that I’m still working and fighting to be a better man, for you, for my family, for myself. Do you… do you trust me, Lou?”

Louis paused. That was a loaded question, and they both knew it. Once upon a time, he’d have answered yes without any hesitation at all. But that had been before everything had changed. Now, he wasn’t sure he fully knew Harry anymore, but what he’d seen of him… he liked. It was almost like the Harry that had been there before he got swept up in drink and drugs, back when they were teenagers.

“Yes. Yeah, I do, Harry.”

The smile on Harry’s face at his reply made Louis’ answer worth it. He nodded, looking down at his lap shyly before he met Louis’ eyes again. “Okay… okay, good. Uh… I know you don’t go out much but there’s somewhere I’d like to take you tonight. You don’t have to dress up, and we won’t be there too long, but… it’s important to me, Lou. Will you come?”

“Okay,” Louis whispered back, and reached out, squeezing Harry’s hand. “If you need me to, I’ll come.”

“I do, I think it’ll help you understand me a bit more. I’ll pick you up later on. Did you want some lunch or something?”

“Yeah, alright,” Louis mumbled, attempting to get up but Harry soon stopped up, making him sit back, reaching forward to grab the remotes and dump them in Louis’ lap.

“I think I can manage to make us both a sandwich if you don’t mind me rummaging around in your kitchen..”

“Help yourself,” Louis grinned as he flicked on the telly, smiling happily when he landed on an old episode of Friends. 

A few moments later, Louis stilled as Harry’s voice floated down the hallway.

“Louis! Why haven’t you got any bread? Or food? For fuck’s sake…”

~*~

“I look like shit, you could have told me you were dressing up.” Louis huffed and folded his arms over his chest, covering up the band t-shirt he’d pulled on about ten minutes before Harry had arrived to pick him up. They hadn’t bothered doing any work after Louis’ panic attack and subsequent nap. Instead, Harry had driven to a local deli and bought them some baguettes and salads, and they’d eaten them on Louis’ sofa, chatting about everything and anything before Harry left to get changed for whatever he had planned that night.

“I’m not dressed up, Lou, it’s a shirt and jeans. And you look lovely, honestly. No one will be judging you here, I promise.”

“Whatever,” Louis mumbled, shifting in the seat of Harry’s Range Rover as he drove into the main town where Louis lived. He was curious about where they were going, but Harry had refused to give him any more information. They soon pulled into a small car park, and Harry asked him to wait while he got out of the car, heading to a payment machine to buy a ticket before he opened Louis’ door for him, letting him get out of the vehicle.

“Okay, we’re here. It’ll be about an hour or so, then there’s a small café down the road I spotted earlier, we could head there afterwards if you have any questions and want to talk? Only if you feel up to it, I mean.”

“I’m fine now, Haz. That sounds good.” Louis set off after Harry, and they walked beside each other quietly, coming to a stop outside what looked like an office block. Harry held open the door for Louis, and he stepped inside, eyes raking around as he tried to work out where they were, failing as nothing gave anything away. “Haz…”

“We’re in the right place, trust me. Just need to find room 28.”

Louis nodded and they headed down a long corridor together, room numbers counting up as they did. Eventually, they came to a stop outside a set of double doors, and Harry took a breath before he pulled one open, allowing Louis to see inside.

Set up in the middle of the room was a circle of chairs, nearly all full, and Louis hung back, suddenly feeling nervous. He wasn’t sure what was going on, but the people in the room just glanced at the newcomers before they turned back to their conversations. A portly man came over and smiled at the pair of them, shaking Harry’s hand.

“Hi, I’m Robert, I’m running the meeting today. I don’t recognise you, have you been to a meeting with us before?”

“Uh, not here, I go to meetings where I live. But I’m not home at the moment, and I felt like I still wanted to attend a meeting, so I hope it’s okay I’m here?”

“Of course, you are always welcome.” The man smiled, and Louis felt he had a warmth about him that he liked. He looked old enough to be Louis’ father, but still, he seemed friendly enough.

“I’m Harry, by the way, this is my… my friend, Louis.”

“Nice to meet you both,” Robert said as he shook each of their hands. “Please go and take a seat in the circle, we’ll begin in a moment.”

Harry nodded, and headed towards the group, but Louis felt like his feet were stuck to the ground. Since his accident, he didn't like being out and about, much less in a room with people he didn't know. Harry must have sensed something was wrong because he came back, standing in front of Louis, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.

“Louis? Is this too much? Do you want to go?” He looked so concerned for Louis that all of his worries about himself faded away, knowing Harry needed him to be there for whatever this was.

“No. No, I’m okay, I think. Let’s go, shall we?” 

Harry nodded, and this time, he held out his hand, Louis looking down at it before he slid his own inside, letting Harry hold it as he guided him over to where they were sat. They chatted quietly as Louis let his eyes drift around the gathered group of people, trying to piece together why they all might be there

Eventually, Robert took his seat, and clapped a few times, getting everyone’s attention. A hush fell over the room, and everyone turned to him before he began to smile, speaking to everyone.

“Good evening, everyone. It’s lovely to have so many of you here tonight, welcome to the new faces that have joined us. I won’t sit here and prattle on because you’ve all done this before, so who would like to begin?”

Louis was surprised when Harry raised his hand, clearing his throat before he smiled and looked around at the group, speaking with a strong, steady voice.

“Hi, I’m Harry, and I’m an alcoholic.”

Choruses of ‘Hi, Harry’, and ‘Welcome’ rang out around the room as Harry nodded in reply to each of them before he spoke again.

“I usually attend a group back home, but I’m here with a friend at the moment, and it was important to me to come here tonight. I’ve had a pretty rough week, and I won’t lie, the temptation's been there as it always has. But I resisted, and I called my sponsor when I was finding it tough, and she talked me around.”

“That’s great, Harry. Well done for taking charge of that situation and making sure you did what you could to stay sober,” Robert interrupted, and Harry blushed before he nodded, letting out a slow breath, clearly struggling a bit now. Louis scooted his chair over, and took Harry’s hand, holding it supportively as he spoke, but before he did, he glanced quickly at Louis, getting his okay before he carried on.

“Recently, someone has come back into my life from my past who has made a lot of memories come back, ones I’d rather forget… ones that got me into this mess. But seeing how strong he is, how brave he is after everything I put him through… it’s made me realise how much I want this, to stay clean and sober, to leave drink and drugs in my past. Every single day is a battle still, but it’s one I want to win.”

Louis squeezed his hand at that, feeling emotional at the words Harry had spoken so publicly about him. 

“One day at a time,” Harry finished with, a mantra that everyone repeated back to him, and Louis swallowed, mumbling the words along with the group. Their linked hands hung between them still as the attention of the group moved on to the next person who was chatting now, much more cheerfully than Harry had done, but Louis had zoned out a bit. All he cared about was that Harry had trusted him to be here, to listen to him speaking so freely about himself and his addictions.

He didn't speak but kept glancing at Harry as he focused on the other attendees in the group, mumbling mantras along with them before suddenly, everyone held hands. Louis didn't flinch as Harry’s hand was already in his own, but the woman next to him looked to him before he nodded, letting her take his hand. They all spoke together, Louis remaining quiet as he watched the concentration on their faces as they spoke clearly, all meaning every word that came out of their mouths. 

Louis was startled from his staring by the scraping of chairs as everyone stood up, milling their way over to the refreshments table where Louis could see an urn of hot water with piles of mugs at the side as people politely queued up, ready to make a drink. 

“Did you want anything, Lou?” Harry asked, and Louis shook his head, too much going on in his mind to contemplate worrying about having a drink. “We can get going in a minute if you want to, once the meeting part is over, I don’t mind leaving…”

“Yeah, in a minute, that’d be good. I just… I didn't expect this, you know?”

“Is it okay?” Harry looked uncertain so Louis nodded, leaning back against the wall, readying to speak when a shadow appeared out of the corner of his eye. Louis looked curiously at the newcomer who had joined them, wondering who they were.

“I know this is going to sound really weird,” the man began, looking nervously between Harry and Louis as he spoke. “But are you Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson? You used to be in  _ Drunk Words, Sober Thoughts,  _ right?”

“Uh, yeah, that’s us,” Harry admitted while Louis stayed quiet. He hadn’t been out much in the past five years, and he was sure any former fans of theirs had long ago forgotten who they were, or that they looked different enough that nobody would know them now. 

“Sorry, wow, this is amazing… I used to be a huge fan… well, still am, if I’m honest. I came to loads of your gigs back in the days before you all vanished. You were great. I’m Tim, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you, Tim,” Harry said, shaking the man’s hand, Louis pleased he was taking charge of the conversation. “Uh… would you mind keeping this between us, though? That you saw me here?”

“Of course, Harry. I’m here, too, you know. I’ve got my own demons so I’m not going to sell you out or whatever. I just wanted to say hi, and that it’s nice to see you two are still friends after all these years. Are you still writing music together?”

Harry launched into a little bit of a chat with the man about the fact he was working on some solo material, keeping Louis out of the conversation as much as he could, which Louis appreciated. Louis tuned back into the conversation as Harry promised to follow the guy back on Twitter later on, and they shook hands again, Harry thanking him for his support before he wandered off, leaving them alone once more.

“You want to get out of here now?”

“Please,” Louis replied, and Harry placed a hand on Louis’ lower back as he led him towards the double doors. The heat from Harry’s hand was scorching Louis where they touched, but at the same time, he couldn’t bring himself to want to remove it. He let it remain there as they wandered off side by side down the road, coming to a stop at the little café Harry had mentioned earlier.

“Usual?” Harry asked, and Louis nodded, reaching for his wallet from his back pocket before Harry stopped him with a hand on his forearm. “No, my treat. Go and get us a table, I’ll bring it over in a sec.”

Louis just nodded and walked through the tables, unsurprised to see the café was mainly empty given the late hour of the day. He found a small table for two against the wall and sat down, hands clasped in front of him as he watched Harry smiling as he chatted to the older lady behind the till, popping his change into the tip jar before he lifted the tray up, heading for Louis who couldn’t resist smiling at his friend. For the first time, that thought settled happily in Louis’ belly, and he realised he wouldn’t at all mind having Harry as his friend.

“Pot of yorkshire, just the way you like it,” Harry said as he set down the white ceramic pot in front of Louis with a flourish, bowing ridiculously as he pulled a mug off the plate too, along with a tiny jug of milk. “And a cappuccino for myself. I thought we’d share a couple of croissants as well, I’m quite peckish.”

“This is great, thank you, Harry,” Louis began, catching Harry’s dimple begin to pop as he smiled. “My treat next time, though.”

“Alright,” Harry said, grinning at the mention of the fact there would be a next time. “So… what did you think?” 

“Of the meeting?”

Harry nodded.

“I thought you were very brave bringing me to it. I had no idea you still went to something like AA. I mean, I know you told me you did rehab and stuff, but this… it’s big. Like, that’s a real thing to be proud of, that you try so hard to be clean and sober, even when it isn’t always easy for you.”

Harry blushed at that, and stirred his coffee unnecessarily, trying to distract himself from having to face Louis as they spoke. “I… I didn't bring you here to make you feel sorry for me, or whatever, Lou. I just wanted you to see after your… after what you said the other day that I’m working on it. I’m really, truly working on being myself again.”

“I know you are,” Louis said, nudging Harry’s foot with his own under the table. “So… can you tell me about this? AA?”

“You can ask me anything,” Harry replied, clearly trying to be as open with Louis as he had been about his epilepsy and his meds. “I promise I’ll be as honest as I can.”

“Okay, well, I appreciate that. But if you don’t want to answer something, just tell me, I won’t be offended. How long have you been going to AA?”

“Since I left rehab. It was one of the conditions of me being allowed to go home to Mum and Gem. The doctors said they felt attending a regular group would be beneficial to me, and although I hated the idea at first, they were right. I found it easier to talk to a room full of strangers than I did to Mum or anyone else, so I never stopped. I don’t have to go, I’ve been clean and sober for over three years now, but it keeps me in check. You might think that’s daft, but-”

“I don’t. Not at all. I think it’s a good thing, Harry. Whatever works for you. And, um… do you do the same things for… uh-”

“For drugs?” 

Louis nodded. 

“No. They suggested NA but for me, alcohol was always the one I struggled to stay away from. I don’t have the same pull to substances that I do to alcohol. If I drank, I wanted to get high as well, so since I’ve taken drink away, the want to do drugs isn’t there at all.”

“Oh, right. Sorry, I hope I’m not bombarding you here-”

“You’re not,” Harry reassured him, reaching across the table to place a hand on Louis’. “Ask me as much as you want, Lou.”

“You said in there that you’ve found it tough this week… is that because of me? Did I nearly make you drink again?”

“Yes and no,” Harry admitted, sitting back in his chair slightly. “It wasn’t you as such. It was the situation. When things get rough in my life, the need to drink always come back. It's like an itch under my skin that won’t go anywhere. But I pushed it away, I went to an extra meeting, and I was okay. Please don’t blame yourself, Louis, these are my demons, okay? I’m still learning every day to live with them, and none of this is because of you.”

“Alright,” Louis said, but he wasn’t convinced. “You didn't relapse now, but have you ever? Before me coming back into your life, I mean?”

“Yes,” Harry said, his head bowing low as if he was ashamed to admit it. “It was back after my first round at rehab. Gemma had found me the place, got me in. It wasn’t my choice, and that’s why it all went wrong. I wasn’t doing it for the right reasons, Lou. I got out, acted like I was fine, that I was coping but I wasn’t. I-” He cut off, his voice wobbling, and Louis didn't hesitate. He got up and plopped himself down in the chair next to Harry, his body facing him entirely, his hand clutching both of Harry’s.

“I’m here, take your time,” Louis soothed, wishing he could do more.

“It started out with drinking again, just on the sly, out with mates. I thought I could handle it, that I was past all that shit but I wasn’t. One night, I got offered some coke and that was it. I was back to square one, and Mum found me at the end of the street, passed out. I was such a mess. I shut off from everyone again. It was horrible. Mum and Gem blamed themselves, but it wasn’t their fault. It was mine.”

“So what did you do?”

“I did what I always do, Lou,” Harry said with a sigh. “I fell back into my old ways. I ended up off my face in hospital, getting my stomach pumped. It was humiliating, and I begged Mum to get me some help. That was what was different. I wanted it the second time. I wanted to get better, to get rid of my demons. And I did. I’m still here, even though there were times I really didn't want to be.”

Louis swallowed at that, realising what Harry was hinting at. 

“I’m so glad you’re still here,” he whispered, and Harry nodded, biting his lip, clearly fighting to hold back his tears. “I always want you to be here, you know that, right?”

“I do,” Harry mumbled back, leaning forward until Louis wrapped his arms around him in a quick hug. “I never want to go back to that place, Louis. I like who I am now, and for a long time… I didn't like who I was, or what I’d become.” He looked up then, staring into Louis’ eyes. “I like who I am when I’m around you.”

Louis went quiet, letting Harry’s words sink in. He nodded slowly, lacing their fingers together again, squeezing softly before he licked his lips, mouth suddenly dry. “I like who you are, too.” He reached for his tea mug, taking it by the handle before he held it up. “I want to make a toast.”

Harry nodded, and reached for his own mug, turning to face Louis again as if it were just the two of them in the whole world.

“To fresh starts. To leaving the past behind, and moving forward. To letting our pasts motivate us, but not hold us back. To us becoming the people we want to be.”

He clinked his mug against Harry’s, the pair smiling softly at each other.

“To us,” Harry repeated, taking a sip of his drink, his eyes never leaving Louis’. 


	13. Chapter 13

“Louis, what the fucking hell is that?” Niall murmured, looking down at the disaster in the cake tin in front of him. “It looks like something Clifford found in the garden.” Niall wrinkled his nose, and Louis just rolled his eyes, closing the lid again.

“I tried, alright? I might have learnt to cook, but baking was never my forte, that was always-” he cut himself off, too aware he was about to utter Harry’s name, which was never a good idea around Niall.  “Shit, what are we gonna do?”

“Luckily, I foresaw this happening…” Niall murmured, turning to the carrier bags he’d dragged in with him, pulling out a box. “Ta daaaaaa!”

“Colin the Caterpillar? Niall, he’s twenty eight, not eight.”

“Louis, it’s Colin or that fucking disaster you made.”

When Niall put it like that, Louis realised it wasn’t even a choice. He opened the bin and yanked the lid off his own tin, dumping the contents into it with a grin, shoving the now empty tin into the sink.

“Ooh, I have got candles though-” Louis said, turning to rummage in one of his junk drawers, emerging with a pack of small blue birthday candles. Niall was pulling Colin out of the box while Louis wrestled with the tightly sealed packet, yanking it until the candles flew everywhere, scattering across the floor.

He cursed before he knelt down, gathering them and their little holders up. When he stood, a sudden bout of dizziness came over him, but he grabbed the edge of the worktop, steadying himself. 

“You alright, Tommo?” Niall asked, looking over to the dizzy man with concern.

Louis kept his eyes screwed up for a moment before he opened them, nodding slightly as the room stopped spinning around him. “Yeah, just… I’m good.”

“Your appointment is soon, right? Think you need them to take a look at you.”

“Yeah, it’s on Thursday.” That was two days away, and Louis was silently Niall would change the subject, which thankfully he did.

“Right, well, go and sit down for a bit. Li will be here soon and I can sort everything out.”

“Sort it out? Niall, you need to order Pizza Hut on your phone online, and maybe put the beers in the fridge. Are you truly sure you can cope with all that responsibility?”

Niall replied with a middle finger held aloft in the air, and Louis laughed as he headed through to the sitting room, Niall still chatting away to Clifford as he worked. Louis’ phone buzzed and he pulled it from his pocket. He grinned when he saw who it was; the person he’d barely stopped texting since their day together last week. Somehow, it felt natural to be texting Harry again, and they’d barely stopped since Harry had dropped Louis at his front door, hugging him goodbye.

Touching was another new development between the pair. Louis felt like he’d really begun to let his barriers down around Harry, and allowing himself to touch and be touched by his former best friend felt like a big deal, and he knew Harry understood the enormity of it as well. It meant a lot to the both of them Louis was making such steps in their relationship, and the texting was helping him feel closer to Harry, although he still had moments at night when he had to internally battle with himself over whether Harry being back in his life was truly a good thing or not.

_ To Louis: Hey, Lou. Alright if I pop over tomorrow, got a free day and I did some work on that song we’re struggling with while I was seeing my mate. That alright? X _

_ To Harry: Yeah that’s cool. I did a bit of work too so we can share. You still okay for Thursday tho?  _

_ To Louis: Yeah, of course I am. I think I’ll just stay in a hotel since driving up and down the motorway is costing me a fortune in petrol. _

Louis paused for a moment before he replied, doing so before he could change his mind.

_ To Harry: You can stay here if you want? Seems silly to waste money on a hotel when I have a spare room. Up to you. _

_ To Louis: I’d love that. Thank you. My treat for takeaway Weds night. Xx _

Louis tried ignoring the butterflies having a disco in his belly at that thought and peered out of the window at the sound of the doorbell going. Liam grinned through it and Louis got to his feet, hurrying over and yanking his best friend into a hug before he could so much as say a word to him, Liam just chuckling and allowing it to happen as Niall hollered greetings from where he was still doing god knows what in Louis’ kitchen.

“Happy birthday, you old twat,” Louis said with a big smile as he pulled back from Liam, grabbing his bags from him. “I’m glad you’re here, mate.”

“Me too, Lou. Feels like forever since us three have been in the same room.”

“I know what you mean. Niall’s in the kitchen, come through, mate.”

Louis watched with fondness in his eyes as Niall and Liam hugged, leaving Clifford barking where he was sat on the floor until Liam bent down and greeted him, rubbing between his ears until he sloped off towards his ratty basket again, happy that all the occupants of the house knew he was there. The three men chatted easily while Louis made them obligatory cups of tea, all three sitting on the patio in the August sunshine before England lost its summer.

“So when’s the new song coming?” Louis asked Liam, watching as his face lit up with the news of the song Louis had first heard last week. He was immensely proud of Liam for finding his own sound since the demise of the band, and he had loved the new song, playing it on repeat until the catchy melody was ingrained in his brain.

“Uh, 12th of September,” Liam replied, pulling out his phone before he handed it to Louis and Niall. “This is the cover art concept my team came up, what do you think?”

“Fuck, that’s sick!” 

Louis loved the look of it, and while a pang of regret that he could never join in with this again filled his body, it was overridden by the sheer amount of pride and excitement he was feeling for his best friend. Liam looked so different in the black and white image, the title track and his name around the edge in bold black letters, but somehow, it was perfect.

“God, your designers are amazing. I’m definitely gonna have to nab them for my stuff,” Niall teased, and Liam elbowed him, making the Irish man laugh away. They talked more about the promo ideas Liam had come up with, and Louis and Niall tried their best to add their own in, some more sensible than others, much to Liam’s exasperation.

When Niall went off to the loo, Liam leaned in, and Louis knew exactly what was coming. 

“How have you been, Lou? Things all good?”

“Yeah, Payno, all good. Still taking my tablets like a good boy, I promise.”

“And when are you next seeing your doctors?”

“Jeez, you’re worse than my mother, lay off, will ya?”

“Sorry mate, you know I just care about you,” Liam said, looking a little shamefaced now. Louis sighed, and fiddled with the zip on the pocket of his shorts, knowing Liam’s heart was in the right place, as annoying as his questions were at times.

“I know, I just… I wonder if people see me as more than my illness at times, that’s all. And yes, I’m seeing my doc on Thursday. I think they might look at my medications, actually. I’ve been a bit dizzy but I’m sure it’s nothing. Probably have to give me a CT scan or some shit first, but I’ll live.”

“Okay, well, I’m glad you’re going to tell them. Nick still taking you?”

Louis swallowed as the doorbell rang, signalling the arrival of their pizzas.

“I’ve got it!” Niall shouted from the hallway so Louis settled back down.

“Not exactly…” he admitted, hoping his cheeks weren’t as red as they felt. “He had a meeting out of work he couldn’t get out of.”

“Oh. Jay coming down then?”

“No.”

“Louis, you can’t go alone, you know you feel a bit shitty after all that-”

“Harry’s taking me.”

The words tumbled from his lips before Louis could stop them, and suddenly, the air in the room changed.

“He’s what?”

Louis turned to look at Niall who was now stood in the doorway, pizza boxes in hand, a thunderous expression on his face. Louis froze where he was sat, fishmouthing for a moment until Niall dropped the boxes heavily on the table, hands balled up in fists at his side.

“Louis, I’m sure I must have misheard you.”

“You didn't.”

“What the fuck? You’re letting that fucking druggie-”

“HEY.” Louis’ raised voice stopped Niall in his tracks, and both he and Liam stared at him, seemingly shocked by the anger in his voice. “Don’t reduce him to that, Niall. He’s clean now, you know he is. That’s out of order.”

“To be honest, Lou, I don’t give a shit, I just can’t believe you’re-” He let out a long breath and turned around, storming off. “I need some air.”

Louis went to follow him but Liam grabbed his wrist, stopping him. “Let him go, Louis. Let him have five minutes to himself.”

“I don’t… why does he care so much?”

“Seriously, Louis? You don’t know?”

“I do, just-”

“Louis, he put you… all of us through absolute hell years ago. It’s hard enough for him that you’ve let Harry back into your life at all, let alone like this. You get that, surely?”

Louis sighed, sitting back in his chair again, getting comfortable. “I do, doesn’t make it any easier. I just wish things weren’t so difficult. He’s trying so hard to be my friend, and… surely this is my choice, Li?”

“Of course it is. But it’s hard for us. We’re the ones who saw what he did to you. How he broke you.”

Louis fell silent then, knowing there wasn’t a lot he could say to that. It was true, and no matter how his and Harry’s relationship moved forwards from here, it didn't change what happened in the past between them. He understood Liam and Niall’s hesitance over Harry being back in his life, but at the same time, it was  _ his  _ life, and his choice to let Harry back in. The back door slammed again, and Louis stiffened, almost dreading Niall walking in to yell at him.

“Tommo, can we talk?”

“Sure.” 

Niall walked in and sat next to Liam, elbows on his knees as he mulled his words over, eventually looking up at Louis, an unreadable expression on his face.

“Look, I’m sorry for flying off the handle at you. I am. But… you have to understand my feelings on this, so just… just listen, please?”

Louis nodded, and Liam stood and left the room, giving them a few minutes alone which Louis appreciated.

“I trust you, Louis. I do. I always have. But I don’t trust him, and I’m not sure I ever will again, not after what he did. You nearly died, Louis, because of him. I can never forgive that. And for the fucking life of me, I can’t fathom why you’d want to forgive him or be around him again, either.”

Louis swallowed, knowing his next words would be important in trying to make Niall understand what was going on in his head.

“He’s changed, Niall. I know that sounds cliché and like a load of shit but he has. He’s worked so hard to get clean and sober…” He pondered over revealing Harry’s secrets for a moment before deciding not to, that it wasn’t his place to tell both men that Harry still went to AA. “In my eyes, he’s proved himself, Ni. He was there when I seized before, he knew what to do. He took care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself, and he’s made sure to learn as much as he can about my epilepsy. The more time I spend with him, the more I realise that the old Haz is back… the one I… the one that was my friend long before anything else between us. I can’t say anything about the future, but for the here and now… I’m happy, and I’d really like it if you could be happy for me, and the choices I’m making.”

Niall reached out, fiddling with the corner of a pizza box, staying silent. Louis wished he’d say something but in the end, he knew it was all down to Niall whether he accepted what was going on or not. He couldn’t influence his friends opinion one way or the other. It wouldn’t be fair.

“You do what you need to. That’s all I can say.”

Louis nodded, appreciating that. “Thank you, Ni. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry this has upset you.”

Niall nodded, and called through to Liam, telling him to come back in before he set the pizza boxes in a row, flipping them open, steam billowing up to the ceiling as he did so.

“Right, lads, tuck in. Paynos’ nearly twenty eight and we need to celebrate!”

~*~

Thursday morning came, and Louis was feeling sick. The thought of being out of the house was suddenly too much, and he was huddled in the corner of his bedroom, wishing that today wasn’t happening. Harry was in the shower, he could hear him down the corridor, but still, he felt so alone, like the walls were closing in on him. 

Usually, he didn't mind his hospital appointments, Nick bustling around him, making him forget what was going to happen. But somehow, this one felt different. Louis wasn’t sure what to expect with Harry going with him, and he was sure that was the reason that the doubt about going was setting in.

“Louis, can I use some of your- shit, are you okay?”

Harry hurried over in just a towel, falling to his knees in front of Louis, worry all over his face. His damp hands made contact with Louis’ denim clad thighs, and Louis looked up into his green eyes, bottom lip wobbling with upset.

“I just… I don’t wanna go.”

“To your appointment?”

Louis nodded, his hands shaking in his lap. 

“Okay, well… let me go and get a bit more decent, then we’ll talk it through, okay?”

Harry stood up and pressed a kiss to the crown of Louis’ head before he disappeared, the sound of drawers sliding open and closed filtering down the hallway before Harry appeared again, an unbuttoned shirt hanging from his shoulders, shorts around his bottom half. Louis tried to focus on Harry’s tattoos but he couldn’t, his chest feeling tighter now.

“Louis, I’m here, and you’re going to be okay. Let’s take it step by step, yeah? Tell me what’s worrying you.”

Louis licked his lips, his mouth feeling dry all of a sudden. “Being out.”

“I understand that. But we’re going to the hospital. You’ve been there before, and I’m a safe driver, I promise.” Harry smiled and his dimple popped, Harry rubbing gently at Louis’ knee as he spoke. “Can we try going downstairs first?”

Harry went to stand up and Louis panicked, thinking he was leaving. He reached out and grabbed for Harry’s shirt, pulling him back to the floor. Harry looked startled but he recovered quickly, taking Louis’ hand, stroking his thumb over the back of it.

“I’m sorry, I didn't… we’ll go together, yeah?”

Louis allowed Harry to get him to his feet, and clutched at his hand like a lifeline, vision all blurred as Harry guided him downstairs, chatting away as they went. Louis knew he was trying to distract him but all Louis could focus on was the rabbiting of his heart in his chest, and the fact his legs felt like jelly.

“You’re doing so good, Lou. I’m so proud of you, you know that? Stupid hair, hang on…” Louis watched as Harry pulled a scarf from his pocket, tying it around the front of his hair, holding his damp curls out of his eyes. “Right, what shoes are you wearing?”

Louis shrugged, not feeling able to make any decisions right now, and watched as Harry bent down, picking up his checkered Vans from the floor.

“These look good. Let’s go with these.”

Louis sat down on the stairs and shakily shoved his feet into them, Harry’s fingers nimbly tying his own laces on his trainers. 

“Okay, good. Right… out to the car?”

Louis’ grip on Harry’s hand tightened as he opened the front door, but he let Harry take him down the garden path, Clifford moseying after them as Harry unlocked his Range Rover, opening the passenger door for Louis. Louis struggled to get in, so Harry apologised before he grabbed Louis at the hips, lifting him easily into the seat. Louis just sat and allowed Harry to lean across him, fastening his seat belt, and he pulled back, still leaving a hand on Louis’ thigh.

“I’m going to go for a second, I need to get Clifford in and lock the door, but you can see me, okay? I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Promise?” Louis asked, feeling weak for asking, but he needed reassurance.

“I promise, Lou.” 

Harry smiled and dashed away, leaving Louis’ door open as he whistled for Clifford, who went easily inside behind Harry, tail wagging as he did. Before he knew it, Harry was back at Louis’ front door, locking it behind him before he jogged up the path, closing Louis’ door before he rounded the car, getting in behind the wheel.

“Well done, Lou, you’re doing so good, love. I’m gonna drive us to the hospital now. Shall I put some music on?”

Louis nodded again, hands clenching at the fabric of his t-shirt again, letting his eyes close as Harry started the engine, pulling out onto the small road Louis lived on. The radio played softly in the background as Harry’s Sat nav guided him onto the main roads and towards the hospital. Once they arrived, Harry paid the car park fee on an app on his phone, and hopped out of the car, hurrying around to open Louis’ door.

By now, Louis felt a lot calmer than he had at home. His heart rate had returned to normal, and as much as he disliked being out of the house, the hospital was familiar enough to him that it calmed him somewhat. He slid out of his seat a little ungracefully, blushing when he stumbled into Harry’s body, but two hands on his arms righted him, holding him steady as he got his balance back.

“Gotcha, Lou. You ready to go in?”

“Yeah, think I am.”

Harry smiled and locked the car as they crossed the car park together, Harry rabbiting away as he did so about absolutely nothing which Louis appreciated more than he could say. Louis navigated the corridors easily, arriving at the appropriate area, hovering nervously near the reception desk before Harry’s hand on his lower back helped him move towards it, greeting the receptionist with a small smile.

Louis hesitated, and took a breath before he spoke, softly but clearly enough that the woman sat there could hear him. “I have an appointment with Doctor Tanner.”

“Okay, what’s your name, Sir?”

“Louis Tomlinson.”

She looked at her screen then nodded, smiling back at Louis once more. “Lovely, take a seat and they’ll call you through soon.”

“Thank you,” Harry replied, leading Louis over to the seats with a confidence Louis wished he possessed. Louis kept tapping his foot on the floor as he looked around at the other people waiting to see the doctors, wondering if they were in the same position as him, what their problems were. It was something he did to distract himself from what he was happening, from being in the present, and Harry sitting quietly next to him was appreciated.

~*~

A few hours later, Louis was sat in a wheelchair that Harry was pushing down a long corridor, following the blue line on the floor that would take them to the CT department, where Louis was going to have to undertake a CT scan of his brain, much as he’d expected would happen once he told the doctors about his recent dizziness. They’d been fairly certain nothing had gotten worse, but wanted to double check, and Louis had agreed, wanting to get it out of the way.

“Will you, uh..” Louis began, suddenly feeling nervous about asking Harry as he pushed him down the corridor. He always hated being pushed around in a chair like this, but he knew the doctors preferred it as it kept his heart rate down for the scan, and was less physical exertion for him, given the size of the hospital. “Will you stay with me? Like, I know you can’t stay in the room, but there’s an area you can wait for me in… if you don’t mind? I just… I’ve never liked these things.”

“Of course, Lou, whatever you need,” Harry reassured him, turning around to push a door open with his back, pulling Louis through before he turned the right way again. Louis was a little low at the desk to be seen, so Harry checked him in, handing over the paperwork Doctor Tanner had given them to pass on to the CT staff.

The scan went quickly, and Harry remained in the room, standing talking to the staff members as the machine whirred around Louis’ head. He was calm throughout, not too bothered by the tight confines of the machine, and he’d almost fallen asleep just as the bed slid down, Louis squinting up to the bright lights of the ceiling.

“All done, Mr Tomlinson. It’ll take about a week for the scans to be analysed fully, but we’ll send them to Doctor Tanner now so he can take a look. If you make your way back to that department, it’ll all be there by the time you arrive.”

“Thank you,” Louis said, carefully sliding himself off the bed and back into the chair, letting Harry lead him off.

It was another hour before they were ready to leave the hospital. Louis’ doctor had been pleased the scan looked clear, but promised to be in touch once it had been examined more thoroughly. He had, however, changed Louis’ medicine regimen to help combat the dizziness, and they’d made a stop at the hospital pharmacy, collecting his bag of drugs before they headed back to Harry’s car. Louis felt tired by now, and all he wanted to do was sleep.

The drive home was fairly quiet, Harry singing lowly to songs on the radio as he drove, and Louis felt his eyelids getting heavy. By the time they arrived home, the sun was setting and it was getting dark, and they walked up the path to Louis’ door, Louis clinging on to Harry’s arm as he did so. The house was dark, and even Clifford was still asleep, but Louis couldn’t bring himself to even bother eating, even though he knew he’d regret that in the morning.

Louis pulled off his t-shirt before he collapsed onto the bed, wriggling out of his shorts as he exhaled, the room in half darkness before Harry appeared in the doorway.

“You want anything to eat, Lou? You need to take your meds, you should eat something.”

“I can’t, too tired,” Louis whined, and nodded to let Harry come in, a glass of water in his hand, the bag of pills in the other. “Shit, I wish I didn't have to do all this.”

“I know, Lou, but you have to. Let me just read these boxes, work out what you need.”

There was quiet for a minute as Harry read the many boxes and bottles, getting the correct number of medicines out of their containers before he encouraged Louis to sit up, swallowing them down a few at a time with gulps of cold water. Afterwards, he slumped back onto his pillow, completely exhausted by now. His mind was whirring with information the doctors had given him, and he’d been grateful to have Harry there, listening and taking notes on his phone to relay to Louis again when it wasn’t too much. In fact, Louis had felt better with Harry by his side, and it hadn’t even been awkward when Doctor Tanner assumed Harry to be Louis’ boyfriend, the pair laughing and denying it easily.

“Stay tonight?” Louis mumbled, reaching up to pull Harry down beside him, albeit on top of the covers. Harry allowed himself to come down, and Louis curled into his side, bringing an arm over Harry’s waist as he rested his head on Harry’s chest. Harry’s heart thudded under his ear, and the steady rhythm of it was sending Louis deeper into sleep. He didn't hear Harry respond to his words, but he shuffled closer, bracketing Harry’s body with his own, and it just felt right. Louis felt, for the first time in a long time, like he was truly home.

~*~

An insistent ringing made Louis stir from his slumber, wrinkling his brow as he tried to work out where the hideous noise was coming from. He cracked open an eye, startled to see Harry was still nestled next to him, entirely asleep. He was still dressed as he had been yesterday, and Louis cringed, looking down at his own bare body, covered only in his boxers. He sighed and looked behind him, seeing his phone lit up on the bedside table.

He silenced it after seeing it was his mum calling, probably wanting to check in after his appointment yesterday. Louis had intended to call her, but his tiredness had taken over, and he’d fallen asleep before he had a chance to do so. It seemed Harry had fallen asleep too, so Louis carefully extracted his arm from around Harry’s waist, hoping he wouldn’t wake him up.

Unfortunately, it seemed Harry was as much of a light sleeper as he used to be, and he stirred, taking in a deep breath before he coughed lightly, his eyes fluttering open before they focused on Louis, a look of surprise obvious on his face. 

“Morning,” he mumbled, his voice low and deep like it always used to be in the morning. “I’m so sorry-”

“No, don’t be. It was my fault, I think I asked you to stay,” Louis replied, hoping this wasn’t going to be as awkward as he felt it could be. “I just… when my meds are changed, I hate being alone. I can feel a bit funny, and I just… I didn't want to be alone.”

Harry smiled softly at him, and surprised Louis by just holding his arms open. Louis hurried into them, and sighed when Harry’s arms enveloped him, holding him close. “Then I’m glad I could be there for you,” Harry whispered back against Louis’ hair, his hand stroking up Louis’ bare back in a comforting gesture. “Do you feel okay this morning?”

Louis nodded, pleased he didn't feel too fuzzy. He never knew how a new medicine regimen would affect him, and he only hoped the next few days would stay steady for him. His previous change had resulted in violent sickness all night to the point where Nick had called an ambulance in panic, and Louis had been forced to stay in hospital for a few days while doctors got his meds to a point where he could tolerate them. He was more than grateful that hadn’t happened this time, although he had no doubts Harry would have stayed by his side throughout.

“Who was calling?”

“Oh, my mum. Probably wanted to find out how yesterday went. I usually call her but… well, you know.”

Harry chuckled and nodded, finally releasing Louis from his hug. There was quiet for a moment as Harry kept his fingertips running up and down Louis’ back and arms. 

“You haven’t had any more tattoos,” Harry murmured, circling around a design on Louis’ bicep. “Seems like so long since I’ve seen these properly.”

“Mmm,” Louis hummed, his eyes fluttering shut again. “Didn’t really feel like it after everything. Had enough of needles, and I felt… I dunno, different, I guess, after my accident. They were a part of my past. This Lou is different.”

“Well, I still like them,” Harry said softly, pressing a quick kiss to Louis’ bare shoulder before he released him, stretching his long arms up to the ceiling. “We should get some brekkie, you need to take your morning pills.”

“Yeah, alright,” Louis mumbled reluctantly, sitting up slowly, reaching for his t-shirt that was on the floor at his bedside. “Pancakes?”

“You always did love my pancakes,” Harry replied with a soft smile, pushing his hair out of his eyes before he stretched, baring a slither of soft skin above the waistband of his shorts. “Same as always?”

“Same as always,” Louis said with an identical grin, following Harry out of his room and downstairs, ready to face the day ahead. He couldn’t resist hopping up onto Harry’s back before he went down the stairs, making Harry laugh, gripping his legs as he took them both downstairs, setting Louis down on the worktop as he gathered everything he’d need to make the pancakes.

“Ooh, I want bananas in mine,” Louis piped up, reaching for one from the bunch on the side that Harry had brought with him the other day when he’d arrived.

“Your wish is my command,” Harry laughed, a box of eggs in his hand. Louis’ heart felt full, and soon, hopefully, would his stomach.


	14. Chapter 14

_ My heart, your heart, sit tight like bookends _ __  
_ Pages between us written with no end _ __  
_ So many words we're not saying _ __  
_ Don't wanna wait 'til it's gone _ _  
_ _ You make me strong_

_ I'm sorry if I say, "I need you" _ __  
_ But I don't care, I'm not scared of love _ __  
_ 'Cause when I'm not with you I'm weaker _ __  
_ Is that so wrong? Is it so wrong? _ _  
_ _ That you make me strong?_

Harry’s voice faded off as he finished the chorus, and Louis couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face at how good it sounded. It was a song that had come together quickly that day, the pair writing the lyrics easily between them, and the melody just seemed to be falling into place as well. Louis felt that this might be a special song in some way - it wasn’t often songs just happened like this with little effort, and there was something breathtaking about its lyrics and simplicity. Harry was singing with real emotion as well, and Louis felt moved.

“How’s that? Is it alright?”

“It’s more than alright,” Louis replied, his smile evident on his face. He knew there were goosebumps still visible on his arms from listening to Harry sing with just his guitar, but he didn't care. “Harry, that was amazing. That chorus is just so good. I think the verse needs something else though… let me try? I’ve written a few other lines…”

“Sure, let’s hear ‘em, Lou,” Harry said, sliding his chair over, eager to hear what Louis had come up with. There was no shyness when it came to song-writing between the two men, and Louis propped his notebook so he could see as he strummed at his guitar, the instrument resting on his thigh.

_ “My hands, your hands, tied up like two ships _ __  
_ Drifting, weightless, waves try to break it _ __  
_ I'd do anything to save it _ _  
_ __ Why is it so hard to say it?”

He paused, peering up at Harry who was just staring at him. 

“What? Not good? It’s fine, I can change it-”

“No. No, don’t you dare.” 

Louis stilled, sensing a strange to Harry’s voice that hadn’t been present before.

“What… it’s okay? You like it how it is?”

“Those lines, Lou…” Harry began, a flush developing on his cheeks as he leaned in, peering over to look at Louis’ notebook again, reading and re-reading the words he’d written. “It just… it reminds me of us, I guess? Like… our tattoos, the ones we got together. The ship and the compass. Is it…”

Louis just shrugged, not quite able to bring himself to admit that yes, he had written them about himself and Harry, and how he’d felt adrift and alone when Harry had removed himself from his life all those years ago. Writing could often be cathartic for Louis, but there was something very different about not only writing these words about how he felt for Harry, but then having that very person sing them back to him as well… it was a lot. The fact Harry had picked up on how it was quite clearly about the two of them was a little disconcerting, but in some small way, Louis didn't mind.

“You wanna run the whole thing through?”

Harry nodded, and picked up his guitar again, clearing his throat softly before he began to sing. Louis closed his eyes, letting the rasp of Harry’s voice settle in his ears, and the words float around the room. Without meaning to, he joined in with Harry on the chorus, harmonising with the ease of someone who had been doing so for years, and he noticed how good their voices sounded together, how well they blended.

The song was over all too quickly, and both men just stared at each other, feeling a certain something pass between them before Harry broke the gaze, hurrying over to put his guitar back on Louis’ spare stand, leaving his piles of paper on the stool next to Louis’ notebook.

“I can’t believe this is the last song,” Harry mumbled, coming to sit next to Louis, so close their thighs were touching on the small sofa. “It’s just… it’s gone so fast, but at the same time, it hasn’t, you know? I’ve enjoyed this so much, Lou.”

“Me too, it’s been the most fun I’ve had in a long while, actually,” Louis admitted. “I always write alone, I thought it was better that way but this has been… wonderful. Really, really great, Harry.”

Harry smiled and Louis’ heart melted again. Harry’s hand came across and he took Louis’ within it, engulfing Louis’ easily with the sheer size of his own hand. “Thank you. For everything, for this. This album is gonna everything I’ve wanted it to be, and it’s because of you, Lou. I couldn’t have worked with a better person, I swear.”

“Ah, stop flattering me, Styles,” Louis joked, trying to push away the reality of how Harry’s words were making him feel inside. “I’ve already signed over he rights to the majority of it, you don’t need to butter me up.”

“I’m not, Louis, I just… this is nearly over, isn’t it?”

Louis swallowed down the lump in his throat, plastering a small smile on his face as he got up, putting his guitar away into its case, not wanting Harry to see the look of panic on his face at those words. “Hey, we’ll work together again, yeah? We write good music, no reason not to.”

“Louis…” 

Louis turned around at that, stunned to see Harry stood just behind him, an earnest expression on his face. 

“I didn't mean it like that, Lou.”

Louis paused, not sure what to say.

“I don’t want to lose you from my life again, Louis.”

“You won’t,” Louis whispered back, too scared to use his voice for fear it might wobble and betray him. “Never again, I promise.” And without thinking twice, he surged onto his tiptoes, wrapping his arms around Harry’s neck, pulling him closely into a hug. Harry’s smell invaded Louis’ nose, but Louis didn't want to move. Everything felt perfect, and he was scared of whatever it was between him and Harry that was happening coming to an end.

“Do you… do you want to come for a walk? Cliff probably needs some fresh air, might do us good to get out of the house for a bit?”

“Love to,” Harry said, squeezing Louis before he finally released him, the pair carefully walking downstairs. Clifford was dozing on the sofa again but the minute Louis opened the small cupboard in the hallway where he kept his lead, he woke up and bounded over to both men, barking in excitement, ready to be taken out. “Where do you walk him?”

“Usually just around the fields. It’s always quiet around here, so it’s the perfect place to let him run off his energy. If Nick’s about, we usually take Pig and Stinky with us, let the three of them have some fun together.”

“Oh, right,” Harry mumbled, his eyes back on the ground as they headed out of the door Louis locked it behind them as Clifford tugged on his lead. “You want to go and ask for him to join us?”

“Nah, I think Cliff’ll be alright with just us two today, don’t you?”

Harry nodded, and Louis smiled, heading across the road to where the expanse of green grass sat, the view Louis woke up to every morning. It was at times like this he was grateful he had chosen to live in the countryside rather than the hustle bustle of a city. 

The minute they were safely into the field, Louis pulled Clifford back next to him and unclipped his lead, watching as he bounded into the distance happily, tail and ears flapping merrily in the light wind whipping around them. The grass crunched slightly underfoot, dry from days of no rainfall, which Louis appreciated since he hated getting wet, and he felt very at peace with himself and the world then.

“Lou, can I ask you something?” Harry began, looking over his shoulder to Louis as they strolled side by side, following whichever path Clifford took. Louis felt glad he knew this place like the back of his hand and the likelihood of them getting lost was rather remote.

“Course,” he said, squinting up at Harry, the sun burning brightly behind him. He pulled his sunglasses down from on top of his head, although they didn't do a great deal to help with his vision.

“Um… I’d like you to name my album, Lou.”

“You what?”

“I want you to name it. Or at least help me name it if you don’t want to do the whole thing by yourself. It’s just… this is so much of you as well as me, and, well, I want you to feel like it’s part of you, just as much as it is of me. So… any ideas?”

Louis’ heart was beating erratically in his chest again, and he focused on staring straight ahead, watching his dog run around in what looked like crazy circles ahead of the pair of them. It felt like a big responsibility to name Harry’s album for or with him, but at the same time, Louis thought it might be the nicest thing anyone had ever asked him to do. 

“I, uh… wow, that’s… thank you, Harry. I didn't expect… wow. I mean, can I think on it?”

“Of course, I didn't expect you to just come up with something now, but I just wanted you to know that I wanted your help with it. You’ve done so much for me, and not just with the song writing. You’ve really helped me come to terms with everything, Louis, and I can never thank you enough for that… for forgiving me.”

“My forgiveness wasn’t conditional, love,” Louis murmured, his voice soft, almost floating away on the breeze. “I forgave you because there’s no point in dwelling on the past. And to be honest, I’m happier with you in my life than when you aren’t in it.”

Harry nudged Louis’ shoulder gently then, a small smile appearing on his lips, and Louis couldn’t resist bumping him back, making Harry and his long legs stumble, only just catching himself before he fell over entirely. Louis laughed and Harry stopped where he was, hands on his hips as he pouted at Louis, looking ridiculously adorable in Louis’ eyes. It took everything he had not to run up and hug him, but instead he ran off, chasing after Clifford, leaving Harry in the dust. Harry cried out and started running, but Louis’ legs were strong and powerful, moving quickly over the grassy surface beneath. It seemed Harry was laughing too much to put up any kind of fight anyway.

It was, Louis thought as he ran off into the deeper grass, his glasses almost falling off his face as he sprinted away, one of the most perfect days he’d had in a long time.

~*~

Louis settled the bowl of warm popcorn on the empty sofa cushion next to him, listening as the surprise summer rain lashed down on the windows of his sitting room. He’d been out walking Clifford when the heavens had suddenly opened, drenching the pair in a matter of minutes. They’d run home, Louis shrieking all too loudly until they got indoors, Clifford shaking his body and splattering water everywhere. Louis had given up trying to keep the hallway clean, and had towel-dried Clifford as much as he could before stripping off, heading for the shower himself.

Now, he was cosy in some old and tatty jogging bottoms, fuzzy socks on his feet he would never dream of wearing unless he was alone, and an old t-shirt he was sure had once belonged to Harry back in their Uni days, but it was such a comfort, he couldn’t not wear it. The DVD menu popped up and Louis sat back, grabbing a cushion and putting it on his lap before he pulled his blanket over his legs, the room shrouded in darkness, Clifford asleep on the floor by his feet.

The familiar opening music of Grease began to play, and Louis smiled to himself, filled with nostalgia. His mind was flooded with memories of him curled up with Mum on the sofa watching this when he was a little boy, the pair of them happily singing away to the famous soundtrack at the top of their lungs, using remote controls and hairbrushes as their own microphones. The other boys in the band had always teased him about his love of Grease but Louis was sure they secretly loved it as much as he did.

“ _ It’s got groove, it’s got meaning _ ,” he sang lowly, feet tapping under the blanket. He was just in the middle of the chorus, singing along when his phone started to buzz on the table. Louis tried to ignore it, and it soon stopped. “ _ Grease is the time, is the place, is the motion, Grease is the way we are feeling-” _

He cut off when his phone started buzzing again, and with a sigh, he leaned over enough to reach it with his fingertips, settling back and peering at the screen. Harry was calling, which was strange. They text a lot, and it was normal for the pair of them to lose hours in their day just through messaging each other, but they hadn’t really spoken on the phone before. Something settled uneasy in Louis’ belly, and he answered the call, bringing the phone to his ear.

“Hello?”

Louis frowned, only hearing heavy breathing and gasping on the other end.

“Harry? Is that you?”

There was silence for a moment, until-

“Lou- help me, I-”

There was a horrible swoop in Louis’ belly and he sat up, scrabbling for the DVD remote to pause the action on the screen, clicking the phone onto speaker.

“Harry, are you there? What’s going on?”

“I need- please help me, Louis-”

Louis was starting to panic now. Harry sounded upset and desperate, and Louis felt helpless, like he didn't know what to do. He took a deep breath, and started to speak.

“Harry, love, I’m here, but you need to tell me what’s going on so I can help you, okay? Talk to me, love…”

“I just… I’m gonna drink, Lou…. it’s just- it’s too much- I can’t do-” Harry gasped again, and Louis’ heart broke as he sobbed. “It can’t do this. It hurts.”

“No. No, no, no, Harry, baby, don’t do that.” Louis leapt up off the sofa at that, startling Clifford out of his sleep as his fuzzy sock clad feet hit the carpet beneath. “Harry, listen to me, okay? You don’t want to do this, I know you don’t, my love. Where are you?”

“Home-” Harry said, hiccuping before he cried again. “Kitchen. I need it, makes it all stop-”

“Please, listen to me, Hazzy. I’m coming, okay? I’m getting in my car, and I’m going to come and get you, take care of you. I want you to do something for me, okay?”

“Louis, please hurry-”

“I am, love.” 

Louis was dashing around his house now, shoving his feet into the trainers in the hall before he sprinted down the corridor, grabbing his pillbox from the kitchen side before he gathered his keys, kissing Clifford’s head quickly. He hesitated for a moment, looking down at the keys in his hand, too many thoughts running through his mind. His licence had been revoked by the DVLA after his seizures, and they’d never been under control enough for him to get it back. However, he’d kept his car, and it was mainly used by Nick now. 

He pondered it over for a moment before he made a decision, knowing there was never really a question over whether he’d do this. He might live to regret it, but he had to try. He had to get to Harry. He flung open the front door and headed out into the rain, not even bothering stopping to grab a coat. He slipped behind the wheel, hands shaking as he started the engine, everything he remembered about driving flooding back to him.

“I’m in my car, darling, I’m coming. I want you to stay on the phone for me, okay? Talk to me. Can you do that, Harry? Can you talk to me?”

“I don’t know, I-”

“You can, Harry. Let’s talk about those lovely songs we’ve been writing, okay? Remember  _ Strong _ ? I think that’s my favourite…”

Harry sniffed on the other end as Louis indicated, turning onto the main road. As he’d thought, many of the main roads were dead, and as he pulled up to a traffic light, he inputted the post code for Harry’s house he’d recently given him into the sat nav in his car. It told him he was just over an hour’s drive away, and Louis huffed in frustration, wishing there was a way he could get there faster.

“Louis, it’s like- it’s calling me, I need to-”

“No! No, you don’t. You’re stronger than that, love, I know you are. I saw how strong and brave you were in AA, remember? I saw how happy you were to stand up and tell those people you beat it, that it didn't win anymore. I want you to remember that feeling, my love-”

“I just… make it stop, please, make it stop-”

“I’m coming, Haz, I promise. Just hold on, darling…”

Louis blinked away the tears as the windscreen wipers pushed away the streaks of rain falling, the roads dark and quiet as Louis drove in the direction of Harry’s home, just praying he wouldn’t be too late.

~*~

Just over an hour later, Louis squealed around the corner, his heart racing. Harry had gone quiet about six minutes ago on the phone, and despite Louis’ many shouts of his name, there’d been no response. He slowed down, trying to see the house numbers from the road but it was hopeless. The rain was driving down harder now, and Louis spotted a parking space just up the road. He pulled in, well aware he’d get a ticket if there was a parking warden due to the fact he wasn’t really within the lines but he didn't care.

He grabbed his bag from the passenger seat along with his phone and jumped out of the car, cursing as the rain fell, soaking his jumper quickly. He locked the car and started running down the road, able to see door numbers much more easily now. Harry lived at number 76 and Louis just ran, seeing that he was only at 48. He ran like he hadn’t run before, and nearly cried in relief as he arrived outside a dark blue wooden door.

Louis hurried up and banged on it before trying the handle, grateful it was open. The house was warm as Louis shouted out, kicking off his shoes and dumping his bag in the entranceway.

“Harry? Harry, are you here?”

He paused, listening out for any sounds but when none came, he closed the front door and started walking through the house, flicking on lights as he did so. He looked around, seeing photos of Harry, Anne and Gemma littered on the windowsills and a small mantelpiece above a fireplace, so at least he knew he was in the right place.

“Haz, it’s Louis. Where are you?”

Louis turned down a small hallway, and could see a light coming from what he assumed must be the kitchen. He paused for a second, dreading turning the corner to see what was inside, but at the same time, he knew that he had to do this for Harry. He stepped forward gingerly, no sound coming from the room at all. He swallowed and finally stepped inside, his heart breaking at what he saw.

Harry was curled up on the floor, a navy hoodie clutched to his chest, tears rolling down his cheeks as he cried silently. His feet were bare, and he was in just his boxers and a tank top, and his hair was a mess on top of his head. Louis hovered for a moment, wondering if approaching Harry would scare him, but he knew he had to do something. He couldn’t leave him there like that. He stepped over the glass bottles of liquor as he walked in, crouching down next to Harry before he reached down, laying a hand on his tattooed bicep, stroking softly.

“Harry, love, it’s Lou. Can you look at me, sweetheart?”

Harry blinked, taking in a few shuddery breaths before his eyes slowly moved up to Louis’, meeting his for only a moment before they fell again, fixing on the bottle of vodka next to Louis’ foot. Harry’s eyes were horribly bloodshot and red-rimmed from crying, and Louis wished he could do something to make all the hurt disappear, as fruitless as that hope was.

“I’m here now, love, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”

Louis sat down onto his bum for a moment, pushing the bottle away as quietly as he could. He just sat near to Harry, hoping his presence for now would be enough, and that Harry would soon stop crying. He was staring up at a painting Harry had on the soft green wall of his kitchen when a shaking hand grabbed for his, and Louis didn't hesitate in holding it tightly. Harry’s palm was sweating and Louis could feel him trembling, but this touch was everything to him in that moment.

They sat there for what could have been ages, but Louis knew it wasn’t thanks to the rhythmic ticking of Harry’s kitchen clock on the wall. After around twenty minutes of sitting there, Harry shuffled his body, resting his head in Louis’ lap, still sniffling lightly. Louis’ fingers played with Harry’s hair, stroking it softly, hoping the gesture offered some sort of comfort to the broken man, unsure what else to do.

“I’m so sorry,” came a soft whisper a short while later, and Louis swallowed, hoping to hold himself together for the next few minutes.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Harry,” he reassured him, reaching down and rubbing away yet more tears falling from Harry’s eyes. “Can I get you anything? Do anything?”

Harry shook his head in Louis’ lap, and Louis hoped his damp jogging bottoms weren’t making Harry too uncomfortable. “No. You being here is enough.”

Louis nodded, letting Harry reach up with his left hand, lacing their fingers together for a moment. They stayed sat on the kitchen floor for another hour, until Harry eventually started to sit himself up, wincing at the aches in his muscles from being curled in the same position. He cringed as he looked around at the multitude of bottles surrounding the pair of them, and Louis hated the look of utter despair in his eyes. Louis knew he had to get Harry away from there, and he stood, carefully getting Harry to his feet as well.

“Let’s go and sit down, okay?”

Harry shook his head again, and Louis paused, wanting to see what Harry wanted.

“Want to lay down. Everything hurts, Lou.”

Louis nodded in understanding, and led Harry to the sofa, laying him down and covering him in a soft blanket before sitting down on the floor next to him, holding his hand again. 

“Do you want to tell me what happened, Haz?”

Harry blinked slowly at him, sighing heavily. He licked his dry lips, and as much as Louis wanted to dash away and fetch him a drink, he didn't want to leave Harry’s side, not when he might finally be opening up.

“I got some… some bad news. It just, it shocked me, like… made me realise some shit, Lou and I just… I don’t know, it’s just too much.”

Louis was worried now, and he couldn’t help but ask the next question in a hurry. “Harry, are Anne and Gems okay? It’s not them, is it, I-”

“No, not them. Someone… from my past.”

Realisation dawned on Louis as he realised Harry was possibly alluding to someone in the years between him and Harry reuniting, and part of him didn't want to know anymore. However, he knew if Harry needed to get it out, he wasn’t going anywhere. 

“Jed. He was my… dealer, I guess? He gave me what I needed, anyway. I found he… he overdosed, Lou. And that…”

Harry let out another shuddery breath as another tear fell, rolling down Harry’s stubbly cheek, dripping off the edge of his jaw onto the cushion beneath. 

“That should’ve been me.”

“What?”

Louis couldn’t stop himself from asking the question as Harry started to sob quietly again, withdrawing his hand from Louis’ and rolling to face the back of the sofa, his back facing Louis now. 

“Harry, don’t shut me out… what should have been you?”

“I should have died. Not him.”

It felt like the bottom had fallen out of Louis’ world. His heart sank, and he wanted to choke. The thought that Harry was wishing himself dead made him feel sick, and he bit his lip, hoping it would stave off the tears threatening to fall.

“Harry, don’t… Don’t ever say that, not ever again. I-”

“Why? It’s true? I fucking deserved it, Lou, I shouldn’t be here. Everyone would be happier if I wasn’t around.”

“I wouldn’t be.” Louis’ words were spoken so softly, he wasn’t sure Harry had heard them. He let the tears fall then, unsure what to do. “Please don’t say that. It would devastate me if anything happened to you, and Anne… fuck, it’d kill her, you know it would.”

“I nearly did, you know. Die, I mean. I drank so much they had to pump my stomach. My mum told me she thought I was dead, I was that much of a mess. S’what I wanted tonight, to block it all out, make it stop.”

“Make what stop, Haz?”

“My mind. The pain, the hurt… he’s dead, Lou, and it could have been me. It feels shitty he’s gone and I’m still here… struggling, and trying every day to not drink.”

“But you didn't today, do you see that? You had alcohol right there, Haz, and you didn't take it. You called me, and you told me to come and help you, and that’s what I want to do. I want to help you beat these demons, to get them gone forever. You have no idea how strong you are, do you? The fact you didn't touch the drink tells me you never really, truly wanted to give in to it, love.”

“I’m-” Harry gasped again, as if struggling for breath and rolled himself over, and faced Louis, red eyes, and grasping at the front of Louis’ t-shirt. “I’m so scared, Louis, don’t- don’t let me die, please-”

“Oh god, oh Harry, I won’t, I’m not going anywhere…” Louis assured him, scooping Harry up into his arms, rocking him gently as Harry cried once more. Louis’ heart was breaking, and he could only hope he could stop hurting before it shattered irreparably.

~*~

“Like I said earlier, he was my dealer. He was the one I went to when I wanted drugs, and he was kind of a mate as well, I guess?” Harry began, starting to explain to Louis what had happened now he’d calmed down. They were tangled together on Harry’s sofa, Harry curled up against Louis’ chest, his hand resting on Louis’ stomach as he spoke. Louis sat quietly and listened, hoping Harry would just carry on talking.

“Were you close?”

Harry shrugged. “Not really. It was more of a friendship of convenience, I ‘spose. He was there when I wanted something, or someone to get high with. I… he was the one person I talked about you with. How I regretted what I’d done to you, that I thought I’d killed you. He gave me something that night that blacked me out for days.”

“Shit.” Louis hated that thought, and pushed images of Harry unconscious on some dirty floor out of his mind. If he thought about it too much, it made him feel sick that Harry had got to that state. 

“It was shit. I see that now. He was more into injecting than I was. Preferred that, but it wasn’t for more, even though he made me try it. He didn't like that I drank, though. Never got why, but he was always giving me drugs, pouring the booze away when he came to my flat. It was just misery feeding misery.”

“So you’ve not heard from him for a while?”

Harry shook his head. “No. Not for years, I guess but someone in rehab who used to know him text me, said they’d heard through the grapevine he’d died. Overdosed, apparently he wasn’t found for like a week or something? How sad is that… that no one missed him, Lou. That could have been me.”

“No, it wouldn’t. No way. Your mum and your sister love you so much, Haz. They’d never have let that happen, you know that.”

“You’ve got no idea how bad I got, Louis. It was horrible, it really was. Gemma came round one night after I’d had my stomach pumped and she screamed at me. She told me if I wanted to die, I just needed to get on and do it because it would make it easier than doing this all the time. That’s what broke me, I think. To hear my own sister wish that for me.”

“She didn't mean it,” Louis whispered, clutching the fabric of Harry’s tank top tightly in his fist for a moment. “She must have been so scared, Harry…”

“I know that now. I do. But at the time… it was awful. And hearing tonight that he’d died… it brought all that back. The despair, the hopelessness… all of it. Then I stupidly went out and bought the booze, thinking I deserved to die for what I did all those years ago. I opened it, Lou, I was ready to drink it.”

Louis considered his words before he asked the next question, but deep down, some part of him needed to know.

“Why didn't you?”

“I just… I imagined your face, someone telling you what I’d done, or that I was gone. And I couldn’t. I just… I couldn’t do that to you, not again.”

“Good. Because that would’ve broken me, Harry. I’ve only just got you back in my life… I can’t lose you again.”

Harry looked up, and they stared into each other’s eyes for a moment until Harry’s widened and he sat up, getting onto his knees to face Louis, concern etched on his features.

“What? Are you alright?”

“Just… what the fuck am I doing, Louis?”

“I.. I don’t know, what do you mean-”

“I mean, shit, asking you to come out here. You hate being outside, and I just, what, selfishly expect you to drop everything to come and save me? I’m such a prick…”

“No, you’re not, you-”

“No, Louis, I am. I know you find it hard being out… god, you’re here. You came for me, and I don’t understand why you’d do that…”

Harry blinked, just staring at Louis, and he knew he had to be honest. He raised a hand, resting it on Harry’s cheek before he muttered his next words, entirely from the heart.

“You needed me.”

Harry’s breath hitched as he took Louis’ free hand, stroking over his skin gently. 

“Louis, I-” He cut himself off, and surprising Louis entirely, leaned in, pressing their lips together softly in what felt like the most perfect first kiss Louis had ever had. It wasn’t, of course, their first kiss, but in so many ways, it was. It was them, truly them, baring their souls to each other for the first real time, and it was everything.

Harry’s full lips encompassed Louis’ own, and Louis stretched up, resting his hand on Harry’s which was still on his cheek, letting the feeling sink in. He could feel Harry’s breath tickle his skin, and Louis’ heart was pounding in his chest. This was all he’d ever wanted, and he gently moved his lips, making Harry murmur against his lips, words he couldn’t quite catch.

Reluctantly, Louis pulled away and rested his forehead against Harry’s for a moment, catching his breath.

“What was that?”

“I love you.”

Louis couldn’t stop his lips stretching into a big smile, and he pulled back, staring deeply into Harry’s green eyes, feeling like everything had clicked into place.

“I love you, too. Kiss me, Harry. Kiss me like you mean it.”

Harry didn't hesitate and he swooped in, capturing Louis’ lips between his own. Fireworks, butterflies and party poppers were going off in Louis’ body in that moment, and he knew the whole place could be on fire around them and he wouldn’t know or care. All he could focus on was the feel of Harry’s lips on his own, the way he was cupping his cheek so gently, and how Harry was now moving his lips, trying to show Louis what he meant to him.

It was Louis who felt brave first, parting his lips gently, letting Harry inside. The first brush of Harry’s tongue against his own felt like a zap of electricity down Louis’ spine, and he pressed his own forwards, gliding over Harry’s, making the other man moan lowly in the back of his throat. Louis took that as encouragement, and tilted his head slightly, deepening the kiss, his tongue roaming gently around Harry’s mouth.

His hands came to rest on Harry’s hips now, pulling them closer, and Harry shuffled forwards, settling on Louis’ thighs, pressed chest to chest. Harry’s hands were in his hair, keeping Louis close so he couldn’t move, and Louis realised then that he didn't want to. This, right here, was where he wanted to be for the rest of his life. 

Louis could feel Harry fidget in his lap but they didn't stop kissing, hands exploring the others bodies as they finally got everything they’d been wanting for years. It was Harry who parted from the kiss first, eyes dark as he looked down at Louis, hands either side of Louis’ neck, thumbs against his pulse point, no doubt feeling how much Louis was affected by this.

“I meant it, Louis. I love you… I’m in love with you. I have been for so long, I was just… such a fucking fool-”

“I don’t care. I don’t care how long it took, you’re here now. I’m not letting you go this time, you hear me?”

“I don’t want you to.” 

Harry suddenly clambered off Louis’ lap, holding out a hand that Louis took, allowing himself to be pulled against Harry’s body for a moment, the two sharing a quick kiss before Harry dragged him back off to the kitchen. “I need to do this.”

Louis just nodded and dropped Harry’s hand, watching as he bent down to pick up one of the whiskey bottles on the floor, unscrewing the cap, scrunching up his nose as the pungent scent filled the air. Louis held his breath, wondering what he was doing when Harry stepped over to the sink, tilting the bottle until the brown liquid flowed out the bottle and down the drain. Louis could see Harry shaking, temptation clearly still there but to Louis, this was everything. This showed Harry had changed, that he wanted to be a better man.

The empty bottle fell with a clatter into the sink, and Louis rushed off, catching Harry before he fell. Harry was a dead weight in Louis’ arms but he stood strong, supporting him until Harry got his balance back, leaning down onto Louis’ shoulders, back trembling.

“I’m so proud of you,” Louis whispered, kissing Harry’s neck softly. Louis could feel that Harry was weak, and a glance at the clock told him it was nearing midnight, both of them exhausted. “Let me take care of the rest of this, okay? You trust me to do that?”

“Course,” Harry mumbled in reply, standing up but taking Louis’ hand in his own. “I want you to stay, please stay tonight.”

“I wasn’t planning on going anywhere, darling. Listen, go on up to bed and get ready while I sort this out and call Nick, ask him to look after Clifford for me. I’ll be up in a few minutes, alright?”

Harry nodded and kissed Louis’ lips tenderly before he stumbled from the room, looking like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. Louis made quick work of piling up the other bottles of alcohol next to the sink, systematically unscrewing them and pouring the contents down the sink. The smell was horrendous, and Louis gagged several times, but when it was done, he felt better knowing there was nothing left to tempt Harry. 

He gathered the bottles into a carrier bag he found under the sink, and put them by the front door, wanting to take them away tomorrow when he left. He pushed the thought of leaving aside and grabbed his phone, sitting quietly on Harry’s sofa as he called Nick, giving him enough explanation his friend understood the severity of the situation without exposing Harry. Nick agreed to go and fetch Clifford and keep him as long as was necessary, and Louis made a mental note to do something nice to thank him when he got home.

Tiredness hit Louis all of a sudden and he stood up, swaying slightly before he grabbed his bag from the hall, heading upstairs. He hadn’t been in Harry’s home before, but it was small enough that Louis could work out what was what. He used the bathroom first, using the loo before he took a swig of Harry’s mouthwash in lieu of brushing his teeth. He tiptoed down the hallway, Harry’s bedroom creaking open as he pushed it gently.

The other man was sat on the side of the bed, hands clutching at the edge of the mattress, staring absently out of the window. The curtains had yet to be pulled, and his body was half lit by the street lights outside. There was a tense outline to his body, and Louis paused, wondering what could have changed in the few minutes since he’d been away from Harry.

“Harry? Are you alright?”

Harry looked over his shoulder then, and Louis was surprised by the expression on his face.

His voice was low and devoid of emotion when he spoke, which unsettled Louis. He was unrecognisable from how he’d been a few moments ago. “How did you get here?” 

“How did I- what?”

“Here. How did you get here, from yours?”

Louis swallowed, knowing he was about to get berated by Harry. “I, uh… I drove?”

Harry nodded slowly, and got up, facing Louis. It was easy to see the anger on his face now, and Louis steeled himself, sure he was going to be yelled at despite the things they’d shared that night.

“Louis, you don’t have a fucking licence, remember? It got taken away because of your epilepsy. What the… Louis, what were you thinking?”

“I was thinking-”

“You could have been caught, Louis, they’d have thrown you in prison! Fuck… you could have crashed, you could have had a bloody seizure behind the wheel! I could have- fuck.” Harry sighed out then, finally meeting Louis’ eyes, his eyes shiny with unshed tears. “I could have lost you again, Louis.”

“I’m not sorry I did it,” Louis said, stepping over to Harry and taking his hands in his own. “You needed me, and I had to be here.”

“Louis, you can’t- can’t put yourself in danger for me. Promise me you’ll never, ever do that again. Promise me.” Harry was staring earnestly at him now, but still, Louis shook his head.

“I can’t do that, love, and I’m sorry. But if you need me, I’ll be there, whatever it takes. I’ll do what I need to to be by your side.”

“You fucking idiot,” Harry mumbled as he pulled Louis into his body, kissing his head a little fiercely. “I fucking love you so much, you silly man.”

Louis felt his hair get damp as Harry’s tears started to fall. They stood there for a while until Harry pulled away, brushing his lips against Louis’ before he stepped across, collapsing back onto the bed. Louis pulled off his clothes until he was stood in his underwear, and opened a nearby drawer, pulling out a t-shirt of Harry’s and putting it on before he climbed into bed next to him, the mattress dipping under his weight.

“Louis…”

“I’m here, love,” Louis reassured Harry, kissing his forehead before he slid down the bed, his head finally coming to rest on the spare pillow. Harry wasted no time in curling up right into Louis’ side, throwing his bare leg over Louis’ while his arm draped across his waist, pulling Louis right against him. “You alright now?”

“Am now that you’re here,” Harry mumbled back, his voice low and heavy with weariness. Louis knew the crying would definitely have an effect on him tomorrow, and he only hoped Harry woke up still wanting him around. “I can never thank you enough for tonight…”

“You don’t have to thank me. I told you, you needed me, and that means I’ll always come.” Harry tilted his chin back and Louis pressed a quick kiss to his lips, hoping this wasn’t the last night this would happen. “I love you so much, Harry. I’m so proud of you, I hope you know that.”

“I don’t deserve you, you know,” Harry muttered, stroking along Louis’ belly gently. “But I love you too, you’ve got no idea how much.”

“I think I might have an inkling,” Louis said through a smile, pecking Harry’s lips once more, just because he could. “Get some sleep, okay? I think we both need it.”

“Okay, Lou. And thank you again. Sleep well.”

“You too, love. And if you need me, just wake me, okay?”

Harry nodded and Louis let his eyes drift shut, about to fall into sleep when Harry woke him again. 

“Lou?”

“Mmm?” Louis replied, too sleepy to speak fully.

“Did you take your pills tonight?”

Louis smiled at the fact Harry had remembered his medication, even through everything he’d been through that night. He hadn’t forgotten.

“Yes, love, before I came here. I’ve got them in my bag too, for the morning. Don’t worry.”

“Never stop worrying ‘bout my Lou,” Harry murmured once more, resting his head on Louis’ shoulder as they curled up together, finally letting sleep overtake both of them.

~*~

Louis stirred the next morning as the sun trickled in through the window of Harry’s bedroom. It took Louis a few moments to orient himself and realise where he was, and he rolled over, reaching out for Harry, startled by the expanse of cold sheets next to him. He sat up as quickly as he could, sending up a silent prayer for a moment that Harry hadn’t done something stupid, and stood up, walking towards the door.

It seemed the rest of the house was silent as Louis walked down the stairs, allowing his eyes to take in more of Harry’s decor. He’d just turned into the sitting room when he stopped dead, his heart melting at the sight in front of him. Harry was laid out on his sofa, a knitted blanket thrown over his body, the hoodie he’d been clutching yesterday when he was on the kitchen floor still held in his hands. Louis walked over and gently rested a hand on Harry’s bare forearm, just watching him sleep for a moment. 

Harry must have only been half asleep because it didn't take long for him to stare, blinking rapidly before he clocked Louis’ presence, blushing and throwing his arm across his eyes.

“Why are you here?” Louis asked softly, stroking Harry’s arm to encourage it down again, wanting to stare into Harry’s eyes. “You weren’t in bed when I woke up…”

Harry looked own at his chest again and pushed himself up slightly, leaning back against the armrest of the sofa before he spoke, his voice low and raspy thanks to the early hour. 

“I… I woke up in the middle of the night and I just… I didn't want you to wake up and hate me for what happened last night, and it felt like if I was down here, you wouldn’t be so angry at me.”

“Oh, love,” Louis murmured, getting up onto his knees and pulling Harry down into a tight hug. He held him for a moment, glad that that was all it was that had kept Harry from sleeping beside him. “You know I don’t regret anything, right? I meant everything I said last night, and if you think I regret being here for you… you can get that out of your head now. I told you, you needed me, and I came. I’ll always be there when you need me.”

“You still love me?” Harry asked tentatively, clearly afraid of hearing the answer as he buried his face in Louis’ neck, hiding away.

“Always have and always will,” Louis replied, keen to keep his voice steady so Harry wouldn’t doubt a word. “You didn't really think I’d changed my mind, did you?”

“I just… I didn't want it to be that you said it because of what happened with me last night. I want you to really mean it-”

“I do. I love you, Harry. Last night just made me realise how much. When I thought I might lose you again-” He cut off, stifling back a sob. He took a shaky breath and Harry finally pulled away, cupping Louis’ cheek with his hand, the hoodie laying forgotten by his side on the sofa. “I can’t lose you again.”

Harry shook his head, leaning in to peck Louis’ lips again gently. “You won’t. I’m going to call my sponsor this morning, talk to her, work out what happened with me yesterday. But… I’d like you to stay, to support me? If you want to, that is-”

“Whatever you need, I promise,” Louis assured him, kissing Harry back gently. “We’re in this together, yeah? You don’t have to fight alone anymore, Harry. Now give me a good morning kiss, please.”

Harry smiled and shuffled backwards on the sofa, making room for Louis who quickly laid next to him, their bodies pressed close together. They kissed slowly and tenderly, going no further than lips brushing against lips, but it was enough for both of them in that moment. 

“So,” Louis mumbled as they pulled back from their kiss, Harry’s hand laying gently on the curve of his waist. “I think I recognise that hoodie you’ve been hanging onto…”

“Yeah, I, uh…” Harry fumbled for his words for a moment, and Louis stroked Harry’s cheekbone with his thumb, keen to put him at ease.

“I’m not angry, love. Just thought I’d left it behind in a hotel or something after a show. I had no idea that you had it…”

“You did leave it my room one night after a show, after we....” Harry admitted with a blush, pushing his leg between Louis’, tangling them together. “I meant to return it, but then… everything happened. It was the only thing I had left of you. I couldn’t give it up. It was the only way I could feel close to you, I couldn’t bear the thought of letting it go.”

“Oh, sweetheart…”

“And last night, when I called you, I was holding it. It made me feel like you were there with me, even though you weren’t. I know that’s pathetic-”

“It’s not. Not at all. I love you, and I’m so proud of you for doing what you did… calling me and asking for help. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been, but you did it anyway.” Louis kissed Harry’s lips softly, his heart still fluttering with the realisation he could do that now. “I’m here now, though. And I’m not leaving, not ever again, okay?”

“Promise?”

“I promise,” Louis confirmed, sealing it with yet another kiss. “Let me go and get us some tea and toast, and then you can call your sponsor, get the ball rolling.”

“Louis-” Harry called as Louis was leaving the room, Harry still draped in the blanket, looking beautifully sleep rumpled. 

“What is it, love?”

“Don’t forget to take your pills, please. Need you to be healthy too.”

Louis’ body could have floated away with how happy he felt. Harry was in a time of emotional trauma, but he was coherent enough to remember to take care of Louis still. If Louis hadn’t realised Harry really did love him, that was the moment that sealed everything.

“I won’t. Be right back, love.”


	15. Chapter 15

**_Two Weeks Later_ **

Since that horrible night two weeks ago in Harry’s home, things had been going from strength to strength for the new couple. Harry had spent a tearful hour on the phone to his AA sponsor with Louis at his side, holding his hand the entire time, and it had taken Louis four days to go home, not wanting to leave Harry until he was sure he was going to be okay. Leaving Harry alone was a big exercise of trust, but Harry had been fine, texting Louis all night, telling him he was okay but that he missed him. The feeling had been mutual, and they’d only made it two days before Harry had driven back down to Louis’ place, the two drawn to each other like magnets now they knew what they really meant to each other.

Harry had kept up with his meetings too, even though he was staying with Louis the majority of the time. Louis had accompanied him to the place he’d first found out Harry was attending AA meetings, and Harry had appreciated his support, holding his hand as he confessed to his near relapse, getting emotional in a roomful of people. It had broken Louis a little to see him in this way, but in a way, it had made them stronger together, going through that pain and coming through the other side. Louis was aware Harry’s sobriety was very much a work-in-progress, but each day he made it through, Louis grew a little prouder of him.

Louis’ health had been good, too. The new regimen of medicines he was on seemed okay, and Harry had driven him to the hospital for his follow-up appointment as was the norm after a change in things, and the doctor had been happy with his progress. Harry had continued to make sure Louis was taking his pills every morning they woke up together, and before they fell asleep, and Louis loved the feeling of being taken care of. He’d always brushed it away when his mum had tried after his accident initially, but it felt like different coming from Harry. He liked it, and he hoped it was something that was there to stay.

Now, though, he was sitting on his sofa, tears in his eyes as he watched Nick and Harry dueting together on a hideous version of  _ Man! I Feel Like A Woman _ , remote controls in their hands in lieu of microphones. Harry was singing note perfect as usual, and it only further exposed how tuneless Nick was, although the older man didn't give a shit if his volume was to be believed. The fact Nick was a bit drunk wasn’t helping matters either, although Harry didn't seem bothered about the fact the other two men had drunk alcohol, although Louis had eased up more than Nick had.

“The best thing about being a woman, is the prerogative to have a little fun and…”

Both men screamed loudly into the chorus, Harry flipping his hair over his shoulder, swaying his hips ridiculously at Louis, who was cackling again. His cheeks aches with how much he’d laughed that night, and he appreciated Nick so much for giving them a night like this. They very much needed it, and Louis had gone so far as to tell Nick to stay over, that he could have the guest bed since he and Harry would be sharing.

Nick had taken the news of Harry and Louis’ relationship better than either of them had expected. They hadn’t been overly affectionate with each other in front of him before they’d told him things had changed, but Harry had accidentally leaned in and pecked Louis’ lips when he produced a plate of snacks, and that had been it. Nick had been wary at first, asking how long things had been going on, but when Louis had confided in the kitchen that he’d never been happier, Nick had hugged him and wished them both the best, and that had been that.

“ _ Man, I feel like a woman!” _

“Wooo!” Louis cheering, applauding as Nick and Harry linked hands, bending over into a clumsy bow before they barrelled back over to where they were sat before, Harry practically squishing Louis as he collapsed almost on top of him. “It’s a shame I didn't video that...  I feel like the world needs to see that, lads.”

“Fuck off, Tommo,” Nick slurred from across the room, watching as Harry sat up, kissing Louis quickly before he shuffled around, laying his sweaty head in Louis’ lap, pulling his hand over until it was tangled in his curls, Louis twirling them around his fingers. “You two are a bit gross, you know.”

“Don’t care,” Harry sang out, deep voice raspy from the back to back singing he’d done with Nick and Louis that night, making full use of Louis’ Spotify account. “He’s all mine at last, can do what I like.”

Nick shrugged, reaching to grab a handful of Wotsits from the bowl Louis had brought out from the kitchen a while ago. “Fair enough. Where’s the dogs?”

“Went upstairs while you sang. Think you scared ‘em off,” Louis quipped, making Harry and Nick giggle again, locking eyes with each other across the room. “I need a drink. You boys want anything?”

“Can I get a J2O, babe?”

“Yeah, I’ll have a J2O thanks, gorgeous,” Nick teased, mimicking Harry’s words, and Louis sent him the middle finger, leaving the two men alone for a moment as he walked through the dark house, flicking on the kitchen light when he entered, squinting into the brightness before he gathered their drinks in one hand, a beer in his own hand. Harry had been insistent he drank around him, that he had to get used to it, and Louis figured he’d rather start in his own home where Harry felt safe. 

He was about to walk in the sitting room when he heard the two men talking quietly, and hovered in the doorway, wanting to hear what was being said, although he knew he shouldn’t really.

“-I used to be really jealous of you, you know,” came Harry’s deep voice, and Louis arched his eyebrows, surprised at Harry admitting to that.

“Yeah?” Nick asked, and Louis didn't see but assumed Harry nodded before he spoke again.

“Yep. You were close to Lou when I came back into his life, and I didn't like it. I missed being that person for him, and it felt like you’d taken my place. I know now that’s stupid but back then… I hated it. I didn't like how he’d forgotten me, and let you into his life.”

“I’m only his mate, though,” Nick admitted, and Louis held his breath, wondering what was coming. “You’ve always been more than that to him, even when you weren’t really anything. I know that makes no sense, but-”

“No, it does. Louis’ never been just my friend, even when I made out he was back in the band days. I was just too pig-headed to admit it. I lost so much time with him, Nick.”

“But you’ve made it now, Hazza. He’s totally gone for you, even little ol’ me can see that. But you need to promise me something, yeah?”

“What’s that, then?”

“That you’ll not break his heart again. I didn't know him before his accident, but I saw how broken he was, how alone he was. It took so much to get him to trust me, for him to let me in. I don’t wanna see him like that again, Harry.”

“Nor do I,” Harry said, his voice low with emotion now. “I won’t hurt him again, I promise. I love him and I’m not afraid to admit it anymore. I nearly lost him once. Never again.”

“Good. Cos if you did, I’d have to come find you. Let Pig and Stinky feast on your rotting corpse and all that.”

They both laughed at that, and Louis realised their little chat was over so walked back in, a grin on his face. He handed over the bottles, holding up his beer and raising an eyebrow at Harry who nodded easily, patting his lap. Louis sat down easily, tilting his head back for a quick kiss before he had a swig of beer.

“You sure you don’t mind me drinking? This is my last one, I promise.”

“Yeah, what’s that all about, Tommo?” Nick called across the room, fiddling on his phone. “You used to get hammered with me, and you’ve only had two beers?”

Louis responded quickly, knowing Harry wouldn’t things being revealed just yet. Anyway, it wasn’t his place, and the lie fell easily from his lips.

“Just taking it easy, mate, that’s all. Only been on my new meds for a couple of weeks, and don’t want to go too hard at the mo, just in case.”

“Fair enough,” Nick agreed with a nod of his head. “Look at my little Lou, all grown up and responsible.”

“Fuck off,” Louis responded, laughing softly as Harry’s arms came around his waist. He snuggled back into the touch and let Harry’s hands slip up and under the hem of the t-shirt he had on, one of Harry’s he’d grabbed after his shower earlier. “Stop staring at us, Nicholas.”

“You’re cute, what can I say,” Nick murmured, his head resting back now. “We gonna watch something for a while? I’m tired.”

“Yeah, can do,” Louis said, reaching forward for the remote that Harry had left on the table. “Greatest Showman?”

“Why the fuck not,” Nick agreed, slumping further down on his sofa as Harry and Louis rearranged their bodies, Louis’ back pressed to Harry’s front as the opening credits for the movie rolled.

~*~

They made it up to bed a few hours later. Harry and Louis had decided to leave Nick on the sofa, neither of them especially wanting to carry him up the stairs to the guest room, and Louis had just pulled his trainers off, covering him in a blanket while Harry put his phone on charge for him. Nick had stayed over enough times on the sofa after drunken nights, so Louis knew he wouldn’t mind too much. He’d spent enough money on his sofas that they were comfy enough for this purpose.

Harry was waiting in bed for Louis while he brushed his teeth, and he saw Harry’s brow furrow as he tapped away at his phone. He went back into the bathroom, rinsing his mouth before he flicked off the light, coming back into their bedroom, smiling softly at his boyfriend. They’d used the term for the first time the other day when they’d gone shopping together, Louis’ first trip to Tesco in over a year. He’d been a bit nervous, but Harry had held his hand the entire time, muttering inanely about guacamole and avocados while Louis had just nodded quietly, staying close to his side.

“What’s making you frown?” Louis asked as he pulled back the quilt, sliding into bed next to Harry, smiling to himself at the fact they could do this now. 

“Nothing… just… Mum’s asking me to visit again. Haven’t been up there in a while.”

“Did you tell her about your relapse?”

Harry shook his head, and Louis sighed, wondering what to do. 

“I want to, though. Like, I want to be honest with her, and I want to see her, but I’m scared of telling her and disappointing her.”

“She won’t be, Haz. You got through it, yeah? You didn't drink, and you got help. That’s something she’ll be so proud of, I know Anne, and she really will be.”

“Will you come with me?”

Louis rolled over to face Harry, a little surprised by the question. “To see Anne?”

“Yeah. I just… I feel stronger when you’re with me. I get it if you don’t want to, but…”

“No, yeah, I can do that. About time we thought about telling them about us, anyway. And I was thinking-”

“Careful,” Harry teased, and Louis kicked his ankle under the covers before he threw his arm over Harry’s tummy, curling up into his side as Harry’s long arm came around him, keeping him close.

“I was thinking about us seeing the boys as well. Niall, Li and Zayn. It went well with Nick, he was cool about us, and… yeah. It might be nice to put the past in the past, you know? Let them see us together, that things are okay now?”

“Fuck, I just… that’s a lot, Lou. They hate me, and asking me to see them again… I’m not sure they’ll want to, or if it’s a good idea.”

“I’d like us to try? If I asked them, I’m sure they’d do it. I mean, we don’t even have to tell them about us, not at first. They know I’ve been working with you, so I can just come at it from that angle, that you want to bury the hatchet, move on? Up to you, of course it is, babe, but I think it might be good for you and for them.”

“Can I think about it?”

“Sure. Just let me know, yeah? And if you choose to, I’ll be here the whole time. I won’t leave you to do it alone, I promise.”

“I love you, Louis. I really don’t deserve you.”

“You do. And I love you, too. I’m tired, let’s sleep, yeah? Nick’ll probably be up at some hideous hour insisting on breakfast.”

Harry laughed and leaned down, kissing Louis softly before he reached out, flicking off his bedside light, plunging the room into darkness. 

“Goodnight, beautiful.”

~*~

It had taken Harry over a week to bring up the topic of meeting Liam, Niall and Zayn after Louis had initially brought it up. Louis had wanted to mention it but hadn’t, fearing it would put Harry into a position where he would be forced to make a decision he wasn’t happy with. They were working in Louis’ kitchen, paperwork dotted around the table about Harry’s album, the pair of them trying to work out a good track order for it when Harry had brought it up out of the blue, surprising Louis as he’d just about put it to the back of his mind.

“Louis?”

“Hmm?” Louis replied, not looking up from where he was still making notes in his notebook, working out whether Strong should be the album opener, or if there was a more obvious choice amongst the songs they’d written. 

“I want to see them.”

“Right you are,” Louis responded, putting an asterisk next to  _ Meet Me In The Hallway _ , another song he’d really connected with when he’d written it with Harry. “Sorry love, what was that? Bit lost in this at the moment.”

“I said I want to see them.”

“Okay then,” Louis said with a nod, then frowned, trying to work out what Harry meant. “And who is th- Oh.” Louis swallowed, dropping his pen to give Harry his undivided attention. He was shocked Harry had brought it up out of nowhere, “I wasn’t expecting that, love, sorry. You do, you want to see them?”

“Yeah. I mean, I’m bricking it, Lou, I still think they’re going to hate me but I want to do this for us. I want to try and explain myself, what I went through and apologise for everything I did. I need them to know I’m truly sorry, that I wish things were different.”

“I’m so proud of you,” Louis whispered, turning his chair so he was facing Harry, taking his hand, hating that it was shaking in his own. “I can sort that out, no worries. Any ideas when?”

“Soon. I feel like if we don’t sort it out, I’m gonna bottle out. Is that alright?”

“Of course it is.”

Harry smiled and turned back to his work, so Louis assumed their discussion was over. He picked up his pen again, and tapped it against his bottom lip, thinking for a moment.

“Lou?”

“Yes, my love?”

“Do you want to tell them about us? Being together, I mean?”

“Uh…” Louis hesitated, but not because he didn't want to tell the boys. He wanted to scream about his love for Harry from the rooftops, if he was honest, but at the same time, he didn't want to overwhelm the other lads. Seeing Harry after nearly six years was going to be a lot on its own, without throwing the fact he’d forgiven Harry and the two were now in love at them. “I mean, we could, but how about we get the whole meeting out of the way first? Go from there?”

“Oh. Okay then, if you think that’s best.” Harry gave him a tight smile, and Louis realised he’d given Harry the wrong answer, that he possibly thought he didn't want to tell them about their relationship. 

“Hey, no, don’t be like that, babe. I want to tell them, you know I do. But I just think… one step at a time, yeah? If it feels right, we’ll tell them. I’m not trying to hide us, love. I just want them to give you, and us, a chance.”

Harry sighed, rubbing at his face with his hands before he stood up, coming around to the back of Louis’ chair and leaning over him, arms around his chest now. “You’re right. I know you are. I’m just… it’s daunting. I’m scared, Lou. And I hate that because these guys were like my brothers my whole life, and now they’re just strangers again.”

“They’re still the same people,” Louis said softly, stroking over Harry’s hands with his fingertips. “Sure, it’s a bit different now between you guys, but you have to try, all of you. I’ll talk to them, okay? Sort something out.”

That had been all that was said on the matter, and now the day was here. Harry had chosen to go home the night before, wanting to get a fresh outfit since the ones he kept at Louis’ place weren’t smart enough, according to him. Louis had kissed him goodbye the afternoon before and had then spent the evening with Nick, stressing out about the following day. Nick had calmed him down, and offered to be there in support, but Louis had politely turned him down, telling him it was something they’d needed to do alone.

Louis had told the boys to arrive about half an hour before Harry would, and he hoped they’d all be on time. He was nervous, which was crazy since he spoke to the boys every week, but this felt different. Niall hadn’t been too keen when Louis had contacted him, but he was sure Liam and Zayn had worked on him as just a few hours after their phone call, Niall had text back and said he’d be there.

Louis had tidied up, ordered Chinese to arrive later in the evening and was now just waiting. He’d taken Clifford on a long walk that morning, hoping to tire him out so he wouldn’t have to worry about walking him later, and now he was cosy on the sofa, laid out on his old blanket. The anticipation of what was going to happen was making him feel a bit sick, and Louis was now regretting not bothering with lunch.

He’d just finished a few work emails when the doorbell rang, and he stood up, shoving his phone in his back pocket before he walked through the hallway, checking his reflection in the mirror before he opened the door. He grinned at the three men stood on his doorstep, all smiling at him, but nerves clearly thrumming between them.

“Hey lads, come on in,” he said, the three men not hesitating before stepping inside. Louis always felt like he was at home when the other lads were around, but there was definitely tension in the air for the first time.  Liam and Zayn had already headed through to the sitting down and were sat down on Louis’ sofa while Clifford barely looked up, used to these men dropping by. Niall, however, hung in the doorway and Louis stood next to him, looking at his friend. “You alright?”

Niall shrugged. “Dunno. This is weird, knowing I’m gonna see him. I mean, I know you’ve been seeing him and that was weird enough, but coming face to face with him… it’s a lot.”

Louis reached out and squeezed Niall’s shoulder for a moment. “I know. And I really appreciate you doing this for me, I do. I know it can’t be easy.”

“I’d do a lot of shit for you, Lou,” Niall confided, resting a hand on Louis’ bicep, squeezing gently before he stepped into the room, settling down next to Liam on one of Louis’ sofa. “So when he’s coming? I assume he’s not hiding out upstairs or something....”

“No, he’s not,” Louis said with a laugh, perching on the arm of where Zayn was sat. “He wanted to arrive after you guys so things weren’t any harder than they had to be. He’ll be here in about twenty minutes. I’ve ordered Chinese to be here in about an hour as well. Anyone want anything while we wait?”

“I’m all good,” Liam replied with a smile. 

They all made easy conversation with each other as Niall flicked through the TV channels, leaving it on Friends when it was obvious there wasn’t a lot else on to watch. Liam played another track he’d written lately and everyone proclaimed it to be a bop, with Louis a little jealous he hadn’t written it with his best friend. He was tempted to play some of the things he’d written with Harry but he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it.

It was as Zayn was chatting about meeting with his sister the other day that the doorbell rang again. Silence suddenly fell over the room, and Louis watched as Niall visibly tensed, sitting up straighter where he was. Liam reached across and patted his friends leg as Louis got to his feet, straightening out his t-shirt before he let out a long breath.

“Okay, I’ll, uh, go and answer that.”

He walked out and flung the door open without hesitation. The first thing he wanted to do was throw his arms around Harry and pull him close, seal their lips together but he held back, knowing he couldn’t afford for them to be caught like that just yet. Harry looked pale and was visibly shaking, and Louis beckoned him in, trying to remain as calm as he could.

“I can’t do this, Lou,” Harry whimpered as the front door shut quietly behind him, and Louis couldn’t resist grabbing his hand for a moment, sensing Harry needed him. “It’s just… oh god.”

“It’s going to be alright, love, I promise. They’re in there waiting for you. I’m gonna be right by your side the whole time, okay?”

Harry nodded and kicked off his shoes, as he usually did whenever he arrived at Louis’ home. Louis looked down, endeared by the banana print socks Harry had on. He pushed back his curls with a shaking hand and nodded again, before playing with the rings adorning his fingers. He looked beautiful, was the thing, and Louis felt more in love than ever at the fact Harry was doing this at all. 

“You ready?”

“No,” Harry answered honestly. “But I want to do this.”

Louis squeezed his hand again before he dropped it and turned, walking slowly, knowing Harry was just behind him. All eyes in the room were on him as he walked in, and he felt Harry’s arm against his own as he stopped next to him. Zayn smiled first and got to his feet, holding out a hand which Harry took, shaking it with a small smile on his face.

“Good to see you, mate,” Zayn said, and Harry nodded, clearly unable to speak. Liam and Niall hung back a little, but once Zayn stepped aside, Liam came over with a serious expression on his face before he too shook Harry’s hand. Louis watched them, feeling nervous himself but forever grateful to the boys for making the first move.

“Hi, Harry. Been a while, huh?”

“Yeah, too long,” Harry said, his voice soft and quiet, but Louis was proud of how steady it was. “It’s good to see you, both of you.”

“Yeah, you too. You look well.”

“I’m not too bad, thanks, Liam.”

Liam wandered off as well, and finally, just Niall remained. Instead of approaching Harry, Niall remained halfway across the room, arms folded across his chest, his body language entirely closed off. He just nodded at Harry and mumbled “Styles” with a nod of his head before he sat down with Louis again, ignoring the man.

Harry looked helplessly to Louis who just shook his head slightly, trying to tell him not to worry. He’d expected that Niall would be the one who struggled with this the most, and he’d told Harry as much the other night in bed when they were cuddling and Harry had been worrying himself about their reactions at meeting again. Zayn got up and sat himself between Liam and Niall, resting his head on Niall’s shoulder for a moment as Louis and Harry stood watching them all.

“I’ll just sort Harry out with a drink, we’ll be right back,” Louis said, quickly leaving the room, hearing Harry’s footsteps behind him as they arrived in the kitchen. Louis stopped at the far end of the room, and Harry wrapped his arms around Louis’ shoulders, resting his head on top of Louis’. “You okay, love?”

“No, this is horrible. Niall hates me, that’s obvious,” he whispered, and Louis quickly shook his head.

“No, he doesn’t. This is just a lot for him as well, remember. What do you want to drink?”

“Orange juice would be good, thanks baby.”

Louis slipped out of Harry’s hold and opened the fridge, pulling out the carton, pouring some into a tall glass for Harry. He’d stayed away from alcohol that night too, although the other three men were drinking beers. Harry accepted the glass with a quick kiss, and they murmured ‘love you’s’ before they rejoined the others, sitting down side by side, thighs pressed against each other, a touch Harry seemed to need from Louis.

“So, how have you all been?” Harry began, eyes flitting between the three men sitting opposite them. “I’ve been following your careers, Liam and Niall, seems things are going well for you both?”

“Yeah, it’s good, thanks,” Liam began, a small smile on his face. “New album is coming out soon, I’ve spent a bit of time writing in America for it, so fingers crossed it does well. Not long until I find out if people like it, anyway.”

“Ah, that’s good,” Harry said, smiling across at him. He looked at Niall, who was staring at the T.V. so he focused on Zayn, who seemed to be watching the pair of them intently. “How’s the tattooing going, Zayn? Louis tells me that you’ve got a few shops now?”

“Yeah, I’ve got six shops now. S’good, I love it still. Pity Louis won’t let me ink him anymore, maybe I’ll still persuade him one day. You had any more since… uh…” he trailed off, clearly feeling awkward about how to word it. 

“No,” Harry replied, but he didn't meet Liam’s eye, making Louis frown slightly. Harry held out his arm, and Louis looked intently at them, looking for something he hadn’t seen before but there was nothing new. “Not really-”

“Have you got rid of some?” Liam suddenly cut in, leaning over to peer at Harry’s forearms, arms raking over the once familiar tattoos on his arms. “Where’s your skull one? And your beer bottle one?”

“Uh, I had a few removed a few years ago now. They just weren’t me anymore, I just… I wanted rid, so I did. Kept the majority, although I kind of want to remove a few of the neck ones now. They felt okay at the time, but now… I’m not sure they’re what I want people to see, how I want them to see me, anyway.” He shrugged, and Louis subconsciously rubbed at his neck, touching his own neck tattoos.

“You’ve taken out your piercings, too,” Zayn noted, and Harry nodded again. In a way, Louis was pleased Harry had removed his eyebrow and ear piercings, they’d never been his favourites, but he was a bit surprised Zayn had noticed.

“Yep. They went not long after… after everything.”

There was a bit of an awkward silence for a moment, and Harry cleared his throat, sitting up straighter for a moment, staring across the room at the other men.

“There’s something I need to say to you. All of you. I’d really appreciate it if you listened and let me talk, or I don’t think I’ll be able to do this.”

Niall scoffed, and Louis saw Harry’s face fall, but Liam and Zayn nodded, murmuring between them, promising to listen which Louis appreciated. He watched Harry drop his gaze to his feet for a moment before he licked his lips, beginning to talk.

“First of all, I need to tell you how sorry I am about how everything ended with the band all those years ago. I know this is five years too late, I know that, but I need you to know. I wish things were different, that I didn't do what I did, that we were still singing and recording together because… shit, those days were some of the best of my life. I wish I’d been strong enough to be the person you all needed me to be, and I’m just sorry I cut you all out of my life, that I ran away when I should have been brave enough to face what I did to you all.”

Harry’s bottom lip trembled then, and Louis shoved his own hands under his thighs, desperately resisting the temptation to hold Harry’s hand, to comfort him. He knew that would give him away, and Harry had asked that he get this out of the way before they revealed their relationship.

“I’ve said sorry to Louis, and he’s forgiven me. I can only hope you will all do the same, but if you can’t do that, I do understand. What I did was horrible, and in so many ways, unforgivable. But I promise you that I’ve changed, that I’m not that Harry, not anymore.”

“And why do you expect that we should believe you?” Niall piped up, still not looking to Harry, his voice flat and devoid of the usual emotion he had when he spoke.

“Niall..” Louis started, his voice low, laced with a little anger now. He knew Niall would struggle with this, but in that moment, he disliked his friend for making this so hard on Harry.

“No, Lou, it’s a fair question.” 

Harry’s green eyes met Louis’ for a moment, and then, Louis knew what was coming. Harry was going to tell them about his addiction, and his struggles. Louis felt nervous for him, and he wished he could do this for him, that Harry wouldn’t have to retell this story over again.

“There’s something you guys don’t know. Back in the band days, you know I used drugs and that I drank. I didn't see anything wrong with it back then. I was having fun, and to me, drugs and alcohol just enhanced everything I was feeling. I didn't see how it was affecting you guys, and if I did, how I felt was just more important to me, as shit as that sounds. I was selfish, and I’m so sorry for that now. But I was a stupid kid, and I have no excuse for how I behaved.”

“The day of Louis’ accident-”

“It was no accident,” Niall snapped, and this time, Zayn elbowed him, a look of annoyance on his face.

“The day I hurt Louis,” Harry began again, a flush appearing on his cheeks as he spoke. “I’d taken more than normal. I felt totally out of it, and I probably should have slept it off. But I didn't, and what happened is something I will regret every day of my life. I thought I’d killed him, I really did. I went to a mate’s house and I sobbed, telling them I’d killed my best friend. I honestly thought that for days, and I drank and did whatever drugs I could get my hands on. I was a complete mess. I was high or drunk all the time, how I got through that, I’ll never know.”

Liam looked to Zayn then, and Louis saw concern pass between them, probably surprised about what Harry was revealing to them. 

“I was a mess. It was Gemma that snapped me out of it. I’d been on a binge and I woke up a right mess. She was horrified. She told me Mum was scared she was going to lose me, it was awful. I told her I needed help, and she got me into rehab. I did it, stayed the course but I didn't really want it if I was honest. I was just craving my next fix, my next drink. I was doing it for everyone else, and not for me. That’s why I failed.”

“You drank again?”

“Drank, got high, whatever I could,” Harry admitted, his eyes glassy with tears now. “I didn't care. Rehab hadn’t convinced me drink and drugs were my demons. If anything, I just missed them more. It started off with drinking with my mates, then I just needed more. Mum found me this time, and seeing her so broken… that was enough for me. I made that decision myself this time, to go to rehab. I was in there four months. I didn't see anyone, it was a living hell. But I made it through, and I’ve been clean and sober ever since.”

Silence fell in the room as the words Harry spoke settled amongst the men. Louis felt emotional hearing all of that again, and he felt so proud of Harry and what he’d been through. He was stronger than he realised, and Louis wished Harry knew how much inner strength he possessed to clean not just once, but twice.

“Shit, Harry, I had no idea… I just thought it was a recreational thing, not that it was that bad. Fuck. I’m sorry, mate.” Liam got up and came over, bending down to hug Harry quickly, and Louis suddenly felt very emotional at the sight of his friends hugging like this, something that would have been so normal at one point in their lives.

“Do you still go to meetings?” Niall asked, finally looking over at both men. “You don’t have to tell us-”

“No, it’s fine, Niall. You can ask anything, I don’t mind. But yeah, I do go to meetings still, every week. It keeps me focused on my recovery, and I just like being part of it, hearing those reminders every week that I’m choosing to live, that it’s something I have to work on every day I wake up.” Harry looked to Louis then, and they shared a secret smile for a moment, something Louis was sure didn't go unnoticed by the others. “Actually, Louis’ been going to meetings with me lately, when I’m in town here. I’ve, uh, I’ve struggled lately, I had a bit of a wobble a few weeks ago but Louis was there for me. I didn't drink, but I came close for the first time in years.”

“It was all him, though,” Louis jumped in, keen for their friends to understand Harry made the choice himself not to drink. “He called me when he knew he was tempted, and we worked through it. He’s got a sponsor, and since then, he’s been good. I’m really proud of him for that, for calling me.”

“Yeah, that’s amazing,” Liam piped up again. “It’s great that you’re clean now, Haz. I know we all did a bit of that shit in the band, but I swear I didn't know how deep into it you were. If I did, I’d have tried to help…”

“I wouldn’t have let you,” Harry admitted with a shrug. “I didn't want help back then, Liam. To me, I didn't have a problem. It took me nearly killing myself and having my stomach pumped to realise I wanted to live. It had to be me that made that decision. I had to get better for myself, first and foremost.”

The sound of Friends in the background playing broke the silence that fell now, and Louis wondered where they’d go from here. He sat quietly, waiting for Harry or one of the other boys to take the lead.

“So working with Louis… has that been good?”

Harry turned to Louis and grinned before he answered, nodding his head, curls flying around his head as he did so. “Yeah, it’s been brilliant. I honestly had no idea when my team hooked me up with this songwriter William Austin that it would be Louis. I’d never been so scared when he opened the door and was looking at me. But he was brave, and he let me in, and I’ll be forever grateful that he did. It took a lot for him to trust me again, to understand what happened back then, but bit by bit, he let me back in.”

“I’m so glad I did,” Louis said softly, reaching out and touching Harry’s leg for a moment, a gesture that could just about be passed off as platonic by the others. “I needed to move forward, and I think hearing your side of things helped me to do that. I’ve let go of my bitterness now, and I needed that so much.”

“Thank you for being brave enough to let me tell you everything,” Harry said softly enough that it was just words for the two of them. 

A loud rapping on the door broke the peace, and this time, it was Liam and Zayn who got up, telling Louis they’d pay the bill, chatter coming from the hallway as they opened the door. It left Louis, Harry and Niall alone, and for the first time, Louis felt a little awkward. It was clear Niall was the one still finding this all too much, and Louis really wasn’t sure what to do, or how to make it better.

There was a clatter in the kitchen as Liam grabbed some plates, Zayn coming into the sitting room with the bags, setting out the small containers on Louis’ coffee table. Liam dished out the plates and the men didn't wait to dive in, all eagerly grabbing their favourite things. Luckily, Louis had made sure to order more than enough, and soon, their plates were all full and they were eating. Nobody spoke for a while, and Louis actually appreciated a little bit of silence. A lot had been divulged by Harry, and he knew it would take a while for the other boys to comprehend everything they’d been told.

“How’s your Mum?” Liam asked, and that lead quickly into a discussion from all of them about their families, a fairly neutral topic that was easy to talk about. They all loved their families a lot, and they’d all been part of each other’s for so long. Harry showed off a few photos of Gemma, Zayn chuckling at how much she’d changed, and Liam proclaimed Anne to be as beautiful as ever, Niall teasing him about the innocent comment until Liam stamped on his foot, shutting Niall up quickly.

“How’s the music been going, then?” Niall asked out of nowhere, and Harry stilled mid-chew, eyes flitting to Louis before they went back to Niall. Louis swallowed the mouthful of rice he had, and let Harry answer, his deep voice mesmerising to listen to.

“Really good, thank you. We’ve, uh, we’ve worked really hard on a bunch of songs, and I think the album’s going to be really good. I’m so proud of it, and it really reflects me and who I am now.”

“That’s good,” Niall said with a nod.

“How many songs have you got?” Zayn asked, leaning forward, a look of excitement on his face. He always loved talking about Louis’ work with him, and Louis was grateful he seemed the same way about Harry’s songs too. “Anything you can share?”

“We’ve written about nine, I think?” Harry asked, and Louis nodded, tapping away at his phone, trying to find a recording of a song they’d finally finished the other day. “Just need to work out a title for the album now, that’s the only thing left before I can send it off to the label and see what they think.”

“It should represent you, where you’re at in your life,” Liam piped up, a thoughtful look on his face. “Something about fresh starts, new beginnings. Let me think.”

“That’s a good idea, thank you, Liam,” Harry said as Louis handed over his phone, and Harry raised his eyebrows. “Uh, Lou recorded us singing one of my favourite songs through the other day, did you want to hear it?”

“Please!” Zayn said, clapping his hands excitedly for a moment. “What’s it called?”

“Strong,” Louis answered, watching as Harry hit play, the noise coming through the bluetooth speakers in his sitting room. It was more of an acoustic performance than the final track would actually sound like, but it worked, and Louis loved it. They’d recorded it sat in his music room in their boxers after a late night cuddle session, and Louis had been on the piano while Harry had played guitar, the two sounding perfect together. Harry was mouthing along with the lyrics, and Louis watched the other men, gauging their reactions.

Liam was tapping his foot to the beat, while Niall nodded along, eyes closed as he focused on the words, always more of a lyrics man than anything else. Zayn, though… Zayn’s reaction was interesting. His eyes hadn’t left Harry and Louis at all, and for a moment, Louis felt as if he was staring into his very soul. Zayn’s eyebrow raised at him as if he were about to say something, and Louis realised he knew. He knew that they’d written that song about each other, how they made each other strong, and his heart was racing in his chest.

He shook his head ever so slightly at the other man, who luckily just nodded, understanding that Louis wasn’t ready to make it obvious just yet. Harry had seemed to miss the whole exchange, and as the song finished, he looked up tentatively, as if afraid of the reaction. 

“You can be honest…”

“Really good,” Liam said, a grin on his face. “The harmonies were fab, and it was really emotive. I liked it a lot. Is that the lead single?”

“It will be if I get my way,” Harry said with a chuckle, and Louis was pleased to see his eyes shining again. “Niall, did you like it?”

“I did,” he answered with a nod. “You two were always good with the songs, so I didn't expect anything less. I hope it all works out for you, Harry.”

“Thank you. That means a lot to me.” 

Louis itched to reach across and squeeze Harry’s hand, but in lieu of doing that, he busied himself, standing up and gathering their used plates up as Harry starting boxing up the leftover food. They worked easily as a team, and when they returned, the other boys were sitting forward, Liam yawning.

“I hate to cut this short, but I think it’s time we made a move. We’ve got an hour to drive back yet, and I’m sure Harry doesn’t want to be late home, either,” Zayn said, and Louis saw a flash of panic in Harry’s eyes. He knew one of the main things about tonight was revealing their relationship to the three men, and that hadn’t happened yet. Louis realised what he had to do.

“Uh, lads, there’s something else we wanted to tell you tonight.”

They all stood and looked to Louis and Harry, different expressions on their faces. Louis looked over to Harry, and he could see the apprehension in his face, the tension in his shoulders. This had to go well. While Louis knew they’d somehow accepted the first part of the evening, this was a completely unknown entity, and he was nervous too. He so badly wanted them to accept he and Harry as a couple.

“After Lou’s seizure, we became… friends, I guess? He let me in a lot more, and it made it easier for things to … uh…”

He was floundering now, and Louis took a breath, deciding he needed to do this part, to take the burden away from Harry. He’d bared so much of himself tonight that Louis felt it was his turn to be the strong one. 

Without hesitation, he held out his hand, and Harry came easily, putting his hand behind Louis’, intertwining their fingers.

“Harry and I are together. We’re a couple. I’m in love with him, I never stopped loving him, not really.” He looked up, trying to discern the reactions from his friends, but ploughed on, nerves slowly disappearing. “We’re happy together, really happy. I just hope you can be happy for us. This is what I want… what we both want.”

Harry squeezed his hand then, and Louis turned, looking up at his boyfriend, smiling softly at him. It was out in the open now, and there was no going back. Zayn surprised them both by barrelling over, his arms being flung around both of their shoulders, keeping them close.

“I’m over the moon for you guys. You deserve some happiness, both of you.”

“Thank you, Z,” Louis mumbled, patting his friend on the back with his free hand, not quite catching the words Harry whispered to Zayn before he pulled away, heading to grab his hoodie from the hallway.

“If you’re happy, I’m happy,” Liam then chimed in, heading over to shake both Louis and Harry’s hands, but for Louis, that was enough. All he wanted, rightly or wrongly, was their acceptance, and their reactions so far were everything. His eyes flitted over to Niall for a moment, who had his hands shoved in his pockets, staring at a piece of artwork on Louis’ wall.

Liam and Zayn had now left Louis and Harry alone with him, and for a moment, Louis wondered if his was going to be the first negative reaction they’d had.

“Glad you got your head out of your arse, Harry,” he grumbled from across the room, still not looking up at the two of them. “Just…” He looked up then, eyes boring into Harry from where he stood. “You take care of him, Haz. I won’t let you break his heart, not again.”

“I won’t, I promise,” Harry said softly, dropping Louis’ hand and wrapping an arm around his waist, holding him close. “Louis’ everything to me. I fucked up once before, and I won’t do it again. He’s the reason I’m still here, Niall. I won’t ever let him go, not again.”

Harry turned then, facing Louis, and they just stared at each other, neither man noticing who was watching by now.

“I love you,” Louis whispered before he pecked Harry’s lips, keeping the kiss quick and chaste, aware of their friends being somewhere around. “So proud of you.”

“Alright, we don’t need to see that,” Zayn teased, and the couple broke apart, blushing slightly at the fact they’d been caught. “This has been good, Tommo, thanks for having us. And Harry, good seeing you again mate. Glad you’re in a better place.”

“Yeah, thank you for being honest with us,” Liam said, coming over to hug both of the men, holding onto Harry slightly longer than they’d expected. “I’m glad you got the help you needed, and that you’re doing well. Look after Louis for us, okay?”

“I will,” Harry said, his arm back around Louis’ waist now. “Thank you for giving me the chance to explain everything.”

“You’re welcome,” Niall muttered, hovering nearby to where Louis and Harry were stood. “I meant what I said though. Don’t hurt him again.”

Harry nodded, and Louis wriggled away, holding Niall in a hug for a minute.

“You’re an amazing friend, you know that? I know that wasn’t easy, but it means the world to me you were here tonight.”

“You know I’d do anything for you, Tommo,” Niall mumbled, and broke the hug, approaching Harry, his hand held out. “See you soon, you two.”

“See ya,” Harry replied, a smile on his face as he shook Niall’s hand. 

Louis and Harry stood at the door as they watched their friends climb into Liam’s Range Rover, music blaring from the speakers as they drove away, hands waving out of the window until the car was a speck in the distance, leaving Harry and Louis alone once more. 

“Shit… I did it, I actually saw them again and survived,” Harry mumbled, collapsing against Louis, his weight coming down heavily on Louis’ shoulders. Louis just held him for as long as he needed, rubbing up and down Harry’s back to soothe him. Tonight had been a lot and Louis was glad it was out of the way, since it had been hanging over them for so long. “I’m just… I’m glad they were okay with me, Lou. I really thought they hated me…”

“Well, now you know,” Louis whispered back before he kissed Harry softly, something he’d been dying to do all night. They only broke apart when Louis’ phone pinged, and he pulled it from his pocket as Harry shuffled off, returning a moment later with Louis’ pills in his hand, ready for his night time dose. Louis loved how Harry took care of this for him now, and he passed Harry his phone as he swallowed them down with the glass of water Harry had brought with him.

**Zayn:** _ So happy for the two of you. You both deserve happiness. Take care of each other. X _

“That’s so lovely of him,” Harry muttered when Louis came back from returning the glass to the kitchen. “He’s such a good guy. I can’t believe I was such an arsehole to him back then, accusing him of sleeping with you or whatever…”

“Hey, just forget about it, okay? It’s in the past, and I don’t want to dwell on it anymore.” Louis pushed up onto his tiptoes and they kissed again, tongues brushing against each others this time. Louis took the lead, feeling Harry’s hesitancy, and he let his hands slip under the edge of Harry’s shirt, touching the soft skin of his waist, running his fingers over where his laurel tattoos sat. They were still Louis’ favourites, and he moaned in the back of his throat as Harry moved closer, not an inch of space between them.

“Louis…”

Louis just nodded, knowing what Harry was saying. He pulled away and laced their fingers together, leading him silently up the stairs, flicking off the lights as they went. Louis could feel the electricity in the air between them, and he had a feeling tonight would be something special between the two of them.

They stepped through into his bedroom, and they just stood looking at each other for a moment. This time, though, Harry surprised Louis by stepping closer, taking the hem of Louis’ t-shirt in his hands, pulling it up and over his head in one smooth movement.

“You are so beautiful, Lou,” Harry murmured, running his hands over Louis’ bare chest. His fingers passed easily through the light hairs dusted across Louis’ chest, and Louis suddenly itched to do the same to Harry. His shaking fingers carefully undid the small buttons on Harry’s shirt, letting the fabric flap apart, baring Harry’s body to him. For some reason, Harry always slept in a t-shirt, so it was the first real time Louis had gotten a look at Harry’s body. 

His eyes raked over the flesh that was once so familiar to him, and his heart ached at the memory of some of the ink on him, remembering sitting at Harry’s side as the tattoo artist had worked, talking about rubbish before they went back to the hotel, inevitably fucking since Harry’s pain kink often got the better of him. Now, though, the ink had faded slightly, and Louis’ fingertips traced some of the pieces, stilling when he saw something new over his heart.

“What’s this?” He asked softly, and he watched Harry swallow, eyes looking anywhere but at where Louis was touching. “Harry? This is new, right? I haven’t seen this one…”

“It’s my reminder,” Harry practically whispered, and Louis looked up, stunned to see Harry’s eyes glassy with unshed tears. 

“Reminder of what?” Louis was almost scared to find out the answer, but he needed to know, to understand his Harry.

“That I’m still here?” Harry’s bottom lip trembled as he spoke, his voice cracking slightly at the end. “I just…  I wanted to give up, Louis. There was a time when I… when I didn't want to be here anymore. It was all too much, and I…-” 

Louis was crying now, broken at the thought of Harry giving up on life, hoping to make it all stop.

“I thought everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here anymore. When I woke up in hospital, the first thing I heard was the monitors, my heartbeat reassuring me I was still here. I just… I needed a reminder of that, that my heart was beating, that in that moment, I wanted to live. So I got this.” His fingers traced over the heartbeat pattern etched on his skin, almost masked by those surrounding it. “Every day I wake up, I look at this and remember I have something to live for. I have a family who loves me-”

“And you have me,” Louis whispered, swiping away his tears roughly with his hand, pressing his fingers against the tattoo. “I need you, Harry.”

“You make it all okay, Louis,” Harry mumbled, letting Louis surge up, capturing his lips in a soft and tender kiss, one that pushed all of the emotion from Louis into Harry, showing how much they needed each other. “I love you so much.”

“I love you. Don’t leave me, okay? Don’t ever leave me, Harry.”

“I won’t. Never.”

Louis knew what he wanted. He needed Harry in every way, and he could hope his boyfriend wanted him too. He deepened the kiss, tilting his head to the side as his fingers crept down Harry’s torso, flicking the button of his jeans open. Harry pulled away from the kiss, eyes dark as he watched Louis undress him, baring the parts of him he hadn’t shared with anyone in too long. Louis focused on the moment, on how he felt at finally being with Harry like this, and his heart felt so full.

He stripped Harry to his underwear, pressing kisses to as much of Harry’s skin as he could, wanting him to know how loved he was, that Louis wanted him. He watched as Harry lowered himself to his knees, gently taking Louis’ trousers off of him, lifting each leg gently to pull them off, leaving them in a heap on the floor next to his own clothes. Louis had been naked with Harry so many times before, but there was something different about this. Louis felt stripped bare, like Harry could see into his very soul. 

Louis pushed his own underwear down, Harry following with his, and Louis reached up, cupping Harry’s cheek, stroking along his jaw with his thumb. Harry nuzzled into the touch, and his hands ran over Louis’ torso. Louis tried not to flinch as Harry touched the scars littering his body but he braved it, knowing Harry needed all of him as much as he needed all of Harry.

“I want to make love to you,” Louis whispered, and Harry stared back at him, wide eyed as they came together once more, kissing like it had been the first time. Louis remembered that they never kissed through sex before, that it was too intimate, but now, Louis knew he couldn’t stop, and it seemed like Harry didn't want him to. Harry walked him backwards, the pair falling gently on the bed together, and Louis could feel Harry’s heart racing under his hand, giving away his nerves. “It’s gonna be okay,” he whispered, and Harry nodded, letting Louis pull him into another kiss.

It was a dance their bodies had done countless times before. Their hips moved fluidly together, erections brushing as their hands explored bodies they hadn’t felt in so long, and Louis was overcome with a rush of emotion, feelings he’d repressed for so long, pushed beneath the surface flooding his body, overwhelming him. He choked out a sob, burying his face into Harry’s neck as he let go, letting himself cry, letting Harry hold him and support him in the way he’d always needed. 

“I’m sorry, I-”

“Don’t be. It’s okay, it’s all okay.” Harry stroked Louis’ hair as he sobbed, releasing all of his pent up emotions, the reality of the situation hitting him. 

“I’ve waited so long,” Louis began, his voice cracking with emotion but he was determined to get it out. “I’ve wanted this to mean something between us for so long, Harry. And… now it does, and it’s just… it’s so much.”

“It always meant something, Louis. It was just easier for me to walk away than to face what you meant to me. Don’t think you never meant anything to me, because you did. You always were everything to me. My beginning, and my end. It was always you.”

Louis glanced up then, meeting Harry’s eyes with his own, and that was it. Those were the words he’d always wanted to hear from Harry’s lips. A laugh of relief burst from his lips, and Louis couldn’t stop himself anymore. He kissed Harry like it would be their last, desperate and loving and just everything, every morsel of love inside of him coming out into that kiss. He loved Harry, and Harry loved him. It was everything he’d always wanted.

“Put your hands on me, Louis,” Harry pleaded, eyes wide and Louis nodded, suddenly needing to do just that. Slowly, as they kissed, he slid his hands down, working over every muscle and patch of skin he could touch. His fingertip ran down Harry’s shaft, and Harry’s breath hitched before his eyes fluttered shut, letting Louis explore his body. Louis didn't stop kissing Harry as he touched him, his hand making gentle motions that he knew were affecting Harry, feeling him thicken up under his palm, an outward showing of their love for each other.

“Is this…” Louis asked, feeling nervous, wanting this to be perfect for Harry.

“It’s everything,” Harry murmured, his eyes opening, locking on Louis’. “Don’t stop.”

Louis nodded and leaned down, pressing a kiss on top of Harry’s heartbeat tattoo, lingering there for a moment, emotion surging through his veins at the meaning of it. All he knew was that he needed Harry to know how loved he was, how much he needed him here by his side.

“I love your heart,” he whispered, kissing Harry’s chest again. “Your heart is why you’re still here, fighting every day, fighting to be with me.” Louis looked up, watching as a tear trickled from the corner of Harry’s eye, dripping on the pillow. “And I love you here,” Louis continued, coming up to kiss Harry’s lips before dipping lower again, hands on his chest as he kissed his flat stomach and hips. “And here…”

He kissed across Harry’s body, kissing his thighs, his hands, his ankles, every part he could think of to make his own.

“And here.” His hand drifted over and between Harry’s legs, grazing gently across Harry’s hole, the other man’s legs shaking as Louis touched him there after so long. “You’re beautiful everywhere, Harry, and I love every single part of you.”

Louis came up back up then and pressed a kiss to Harry’s lips, a hand resting over his heart as his heartbeat reassured Louis that this was real, that it was happening.

“I want you,” Harry begged, starting to writhed on the bed underneath Louis, his body pressed to the mattress where Louis’ was half laid out on top of him, staring reverently at him. “I want your fingers, Lou…”

Louis just swallowed, feeling a bit overwhelmed. He sat up and swung his legs around, feet planted on the carpet as he rummaged in his bedside drawer, withdrawing his hand with the bottle of lube and a condom, setting both things on the tabletop, checking with Harry that this was what he wanted. Harry just nodded and tugged Louis back over to him, his legs falling open as he kissed Louis softly. 

“It’s just you and me, okay?”

Louis nodded, and as he tried to coat a few fingers in his lube, he realised his hand was shaking. Harry must have noticed too, because he took Louis’ wrist in his hand, stopping him for a moment.

“Louis, if this is too much…”

“It’s not,” Louis mumbled back, cheeks flaming with what he was about to admit. “It’s just… I’ve never done this before, Haz. Not even with you, you never let me open you up before. I just… I don’t want to fuck this up-”

“You won’t. I trust you, Lou. I want this… I want you. It’ll be perfect because it’s you and me, yeah? And Louis-” He tucked two fingers under Louis’ chin then, forcing him to look up at him, their eyes meeting again. “I love you.”

Somehow, that was enough to reassure Louis that it was going to be okay. He brought his hand down, rubbing gently over Harry’s entrance, watching as Harry reacted to the touch, squirming slightly under his fingers. Louis leaned down to kiss his tummy before he slowly slid his finger inside, gasping himself as Harry’s body opened up for him, his walls hot and tight around Louis’ finger.

“Wow, I-” Louis couldn’t speak any more, and Louis felt his confidence grow, watching Harry fall apart because of him. It was a lot to see his boyfriend like this, but at the same time, it was all he’d ever wanted, to be with Harry in this way. He was gentle with Harry, his fingers exploring the darkest parts of Harry no-one else got to see, and hearing Harry beg him for more sent Louis’ mind spiralling. Louis kept watching Harry’s face, wanting to make sure there was no sign of discomfort on his face, but felt more relaxed when he saw none.

“More, please,” Harry mumbled, his voice low and laced with desire. Louis withdrew his finger, pressing in slowly with two until they were inside Harry down to the knuckle, and Louis couldn’t resist glancing down, watching where he was finally inside his boyfriend. He rocked his fingers gently, not wanting to hurt Harry as he stretched him, his body thrumming with anticipation of what would soon happen. Harry’s eyes came up to lock on Louis’ again, and they just watched each other as Louis moved carefully, treating Harry’s body like a precious entity.

Louis teased the tip of Harry’s length with his tongue as he eased in a third finger, knowing Harry needed more than just two if he was going to make sex as painless as he could. Harry thrashed on the bed for a moment, and Louis lost himself in the moment, suckling at the head while Harry rocked down on his fingers, mumbling Louis’ name, begging for more. Louis could tell Harry was struggling to keep control of himself, and soon, a large hand clamped down on his wrist, stopping him.

“Louis, I’m-” he panted heavily, eyes wide, pupils blown as he stared at his boyfriend. “I’m ready, baby.”

Louis nodded and slowly withdrew his fingers, eyes dipping down to Harry’s pink hole, covered in lube and waiting for him. He fumbled with the foil packet of the condom, finally ripping it open, rolling it down his own length before he copiously covered himself in lube, wanting to be safe. Harry’s legs fell open, and Louis shuffled closer.

“You want to be on your back?”

Harry nodded, reaching for Louis’ hand. “Yeah, want to look at you.”

Louis smiled softly and lined up, taking a deep breath, knowing this was it. Harry’s own length was dripping now, laying against his hip, and Louis gripped Harry at his hips, pulling him closer. Harry’s legs parted further and he wrapped his legs around Louis’ waist, keeping him close, barely a whisper between their bodies as Louis leaned over, brushing his lips against Harry’s as he started to move his hips forward, pushing himself inside Harry’s body.

It was like nothing Louis had ever felt, if he was honest. He felt short of breath as Harry’s warmth overtook him, his body clenching around Louis’ erection, drawing him deeper inside until there was nowhere else for Louis to go. He was still trembling, his arms aching already with the exertion of holding himself up, not wanting to crush Harry under his weight as he looked up at him. Louis was completely inside Harry now, and they smiled softly at each other, Louis’ heart jackrabbiting in his chest.

“I love you so much,” he uttered, starting to rock his hips gently. “I’ve wanted this for so long, to make love to you.”

“Then don’t stop.” Harry’s words were spoken lowly, just for the two of them, and Louis kissed Harry again as he began thrusting slowly and gently, one of each of their hands entwined next to Harry’s head, clinging onto each other as their bodies moved together. It was silent for a short while as Louis made love to Harry, definite thrusts that made Harry whimper, both of them sweating as they stayed pressed close together. 

Harry shifted slightly then, raising his hips for a moment and he cried out, making Louis stop, wondering if something was wrong. He raised himself up slightly, looking down on Harry, brow furrowed in concern.

“Are you-”

“Do that again. Please, Louis, do that again.”

Louis rocked his hips back and pushed forwards again, Harry reacting in the same way, his fists clenching in the sheet underneath him, the hand laid in Louis’ squeezing tightly. Louis groaned at the sight of Harry coming undone, and he repeated the motion, Harry’s body accepting him over and over, the two linked in the most intimate of ways.

“I’m so fucking lucky,” Louis murmured, kissing over where Harry’s newest tattoo was, reaffirming everything Louis had said earlier on to him. “So lucky to have you.”

Harry sniffed, and Louis looked down, propping himself on one elbow for a moment so he could brush away Harry’s tears, kissing his eyelids, his cheeks, his lips, Harry kissing back as he did so. Louis wasn’t sure how much longer he could last, emotions in overdrive by now as he picked up his pace slightly, Harry’s heels drawing him deeper inside with each thrust, Louis’ entire body prickling with pleasure and complete desire for his boyfriend.

It couldn’t have been more different to the sex they used to have back in the days of the band. Back then, it had been mechanical, simply about reaching orgasm, getting off until Harry escaped, hot-footing it away from Louis like he’d done something wrong. It had broken Louis each and every time, but Louis had kept going back for more, figuring something with Harry was better than nothing. Now, though, he was realising how things had changed. Harry was looking at him with complete and utter love in his eyes, holding Louis close as their bodies made love, as they proved their love for each other over and over. 

“I love you,” Louis whispered, feeling the lump in his throat grow as his body approached orgasm, needing Harry to know more than anything how much this meant to him. He picked up the pace of his thrusts slightly, chasing his orgasm, Harry’s chest heaving with each of his deep breaths. Louis clutched Harry’s hand hard as he felt himself lose control, sitting up slightly to grasp Harry’s thigh, holding him as screwed his eyes shut, his orgasm sweeping through him from head to toe.

He was shaking as Harry kept him close, flooding the condom with his release, finally opening his eyes enough to stare into Harry’s, thoughts of pure love floating around his brain. He brought his right hand up, kissing his own fingers for a moment before he pressed them against Harry’s heartbeat tattoo, leaving them there for a moment before he ducked down enough to press his lips to Harry’s, their tears mingling together.

He pulled out carefully, and wrapped a hand around Harry’s length, stroking as he kissed him, laying curled into Harry’s side. He mumbled words of love as he coaxed Harry to his orgasm, kissing him as Harry’s body contorted, covering Louis’ hand and his own stomach before Harry pulled Louis back against him, hugging him fiercely. Louis just let himself be held, enjoying the feeling of Harry’s body against his, both men catching their breath.

“You’re not going to run, are you?” Louis asked, his voice cautious, somehow needing reassurance that time, Harry was here to stay.

“Never again. I’m right where I belong,” Harry murmured, tracing over Louis’ tattoos with his fingertips. His fingers dipped in and out of the mottled skin on Louis’ torso, a few scars on his ribcage, another on his arm. Harry frowned and rolled onto his side, not caring about his sticky body as Louis rolled into him, staring into his eyes. “Lou, what are these?”

“Uh,” Louis began, swallowing and feeling nervous about admitting them to Harry, not wanting him to feel bad. “They’re scars from when I used to have seizures, before the meds controlled them as well as they do now. I used to drop like a sack of potatoes, and I’d catch myself on tables, doors, shelves, whatever was around. Got a bit bashed up in the early days, but they sorted me out, so it’s okay.”

“I’m so sorry,” Harry whispered, pushing Louis onto his back again, leaning over his naked body, kissing each and every mark he could find. “I want the only marks on your body from now on to be ones I’ve put there through love, okay?”

Louis nodded, arching his back as Harry bent his head, sucking a love bite onto his chest, licking over before he pulled away, admiring the mark, kissing it before he laid back down, running his fingers up and down Louis’ bare side.

“Cuddle me to sleep?” Louis asked, and Harry nodded, reaching down to pull the covers over them, curling around Louis as he got himself situated behind him. Louis pushed back into the touch, letting Harry push a leg between his own, their hands automatically finding each others. The room was dark and silent, and Louis let his eyes slip shut. It had been the most perfect first time for the pair of them after so long, now, more than ever, Louis was sure he never wanted Harry to be anywhere but at his side.


	16. Chapter 16

Louis glanced over to Harry, watching his face frown in concentration as he navigated his way into the fast lane on the motorway, determined to get out from behind the lorry they’d been stuck behind for about two miles now. They had been on the road for three hours now, and the long journey was taking its toll on him. However, since they wanted to go and visit their parents, Harry didn't have a choice in whether or not he had to drive them there. Harry had been particular about taking Louis’ keys away from him when they’d returned to his home after their fateful night in Harry’s home, and he’d been designated driver ever since.

“I’m sorry you’re having to do all the driving,” Louis said, feeling like it needed to be said given how stressed out Harry looked at that moment. “I wish I could help out.”

“What? No, it’s fine, darling. I’m not just keen on motorways, that’s all. People drive like arseholes.” 

Louis chuckled, staring out the window as they drove past a car with a little girl mushed up to the window, waving at him. Louis waggled his fingers back at her and she grinned, waving again as Harry sped past them, Louis now looking forward to being reunited with his family. 

“You sure we shouldn’t have called your mum? Warned her we were coming?” Louis asked, suddenly feeling nervous about seeing Anne for the first time in nearly six years. Harry had been adamant about not telling her they were coming, and now Louis was beginning to regret going along with that.

“God, no. She’d have gone shopping and bought all the bloody French Fancies in the shop, and cleaned herself into a frenzy. Us coming isn’t worth all that. She’ll be fine once we see her, I promise.”

“If you say so,” Louis mused, reaching to turn on the radio. They both smile as Niall’s song started blasting from the speakers, and Louis tapped his foot to the catchy beat. It sounded amazing on the sound system of Harry’s car, and he knew it was going to be a hit even before it had got to the first chorus. 

“Wow, that’s a tune,” Harry commented as the DJ started talking again, the track having finished. “He’s gonna do well with that.”

“And so will you when yours comes out,” Louis reassured him, taking Harry’s free hand, holding it tightly. “How much longer? I really need the loo but I don’t want to have to stop.”

“Uh, sat nav says about forty minutes, can you hang on?”

Louis nodded, and kicked his shoes off, resting his socked feet on the dashboard. They sat in silence for much of the rest of the journey, and Louis loved how it felt just as comfortable as it did when they sat chatting for hours about nothing. Since they’d first been intimate with each other a few weeks ago, Harry had only spent one night away from Louis. They found it hard to sleep without each other, and Louis was more than happy to have a virtually live-in boyfriend around all of the time. At times, it all felt too good to be true.

This was the last piece of the puzzle for the pair of them. Liam and Zayn had been really nice about their relationship, the pair calling a few times to see how things were going, and while Niall hadn’t been quite as vocal in his support, he’d text Louis a couple of times, wishing him well with Harry, and for now, that was enough. 

Louis’ family had moved from Doncaster to Holmes Chapel when he was twelve years old, and navigating the small streets in Harry’s car made so many memories come flooding back from their teenage years. They pointed out various places, from the park where they’d snogged up against a tree when they both confessed they liked boys to each other, to the pub they had their first gig at at the tender age of seventeen, and even the church hall where Louis’ mum threw birthday parties for his little sisters, Harry, Niall, Liam and Zayn dragged along by Louis to help with dolling out party bags, clearing up and partaking in too many games of musical statues.

It felt like moments before they were turning in Oakley Avenue, coming to a halt outside of Harry’s family home. Jay had moved a few times since Louis had left home, but Anne had remained in the small house she’d raised Harry and Gemma in, and now lived there with her second husband Robin. Louis had attended the wedding and had stayed by his side the whole night, even though Harry protested he was fine about the whole thing. 

Louis slid his hand across the centre console, taking Harry’s again as he turned the engine off, plunging them both into silence. Louis took in the house, smiling at the fact it had barely changed since he’d last been here. The hanging baskets outside the front door were full of pink blooms, the silver knocker still hung in the middle, and the blinds in the window were pretty much the same.

“You ready for this?” he asked softly, and Harry just nodded slowly, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed, eyes flitting between Louis and the house behind him. There were two cars in the driveway, neither of which Louis recognised, and he assumed they were Anne’s and Robin’s. He got out of the car first, waiting for Harry to join him. They didn't hold hands as they walked up the path, but Louis brushed his little finger against Harry’s as he hovered outside the door, pausing before he knocked.

“Shit, Louis, I can’t…”

“You can. She’ll be so happy to see you, love. I’m right here, okay? Let’s do this.”

Harry nodded and lifted his hand, grasping the knocker and banging it a few times before he took a step back, staring at the closed door. The street was silent around them, and Louis swore he could hear the wind whistle through the blades of grass in Anne’s front garden. He stilled as he heard a key turn in the lock, and finally, the door was pulled open.

Louis blinked as a woman stood on the other side, and the sight of her brought back a rush of memories. Anne scooping him up into a hug when he and Harry told their families about signing their first record deal. Anne holding him and letting him cry when Jay was rushed into hospital when her appendix had burst and he was only fourteen, a frightened boy convinced he was about to lose his mother. Anne staring up at the band with pride whenever she attended one of their concerts.

“Oh my god!”

Anne’s hands flew up to cover her mouth, and she stared in shock at the two men on her doorstep. Harry was just staring back, and Louis decided to take charge when he was stopped by an all too familiar voice.

“Anne, what’s going- oh my god, Louis?”

“Uh… hi Mum,” he mumbled, raising his hand and giving her a silly little wave before he frowned, trying to figure out what was going on. “Wait a minute, why are you here?”

“Why am I he- why are  _ you  _ here? Why are you both here?”

Louis could sense Harry panicking next to him, and he didn't think before he grabbed his boyfriend’s hand, entwining their fingers together, tugging Harry closer to him. He looked over, meeting Harry’s eye and nodding slightly before he looked to their mums, who were gawping at them by now. Jay pointedly stared at her son for a moment before her eyes dropped down to their linked hands, and back up again.

“What’s going on?” came Anne’s voice, laced with curiosity, and Louis inhaled before he answered.

“I think we’d better come in, don’t you?”

The two women nodded and turned, heading back inside, leaving Louis and Harry on the doorstep.

“Shit, I’m so sorry, I didn't think-” Louis began, but Harry hushed him with his lips, pressing them against Louis’ in a quick but comforting kiss.

“S’ok, Lou. They were gonna find out sooner or later.” 

Louis nodded and allowed Harry to tug him further into the house, closing the door behind them. They could hear their mums talking quietly between them as they removed their coats and shoes, and linked hands again before they walked through to the main room, taking a seat side by side on a sofa opposite where Anne and Jay were sat, unreadable expressions on their faces. Louis felt a little nervous now, wondering how they would react to the news their sons were romantically involved, but he was sure no matter their reaction, it wouldn’t affect his relationship with Harry.

“So who’s going to tell me what the hell is going on here?” Jay asked, a little more forcefully than Louis had expected. He felt Harry glance to him, and he swallowed before he began to speak.

“You’re not blind, Mum. You can see what’s going on.”

“Yes, Louis, I know that but… how? The last I knew, you were working together and Harry helped you out when you had a seizure, and now- what? You’re a couple? I don’t… can you explain this to us in a way we can understand?”

Harry nodded and squeezed Louis’ hand, taking over now.

“I’ve always loved Louis,” he admitted then, blushing as he did so. Neither of their mothers reacted to that, and Louis wasn’t surprised. He knew even as teenagers that Jay and Anne had always suspected there was something more than friendship between the boys, and even when Louis had cried to Jay saying Harry would never want to be with him, he was sure she had held a little candle of hope her son would get his happy ending. “Even when I was an idiotic teenager, I loved him, despite whatever rubbish I told him at the time. Reuniting with Louis again now that everything’s… different, it’s made me realise what I want in my life, and that’s him. I love him, and I want to be with him.”

“And I love him too,” Louis interjected, keen to show that this wasn’t entirely one-sided. “I know there’s a hell of a lot in our pasts that probably makes people think we shouldn’t be together but… we’re good for each other, in so many ways. And Mum, Harry’s changed, so much. And I just… I love him, and he makes me so happy.”

There was silence for a moment, and Jay shifted in her seat, folding her arms across her chest. Louis was still struggling to read Anne, and he waited, sure his mum wouldn’t hold back.

“Hang on, though, Mum. Why are you here? I didn't know you still saw Anne…”

Jay glanced to Anne before she answered. “I lost touch with her for a little while after everything that happened with you, Lou. It wasn’t intentional, it was just awkward to speak, knowing what had gone on. But when I saw Harry at the hospital after your seizure, I decided to check in, see how she was doing, how Harry was because he looked so well. And, uh, yeah, it was like we hadn’t missed those five years.”

“I’m glad she has you, Jay, you always were one of Mum’s best friends,” Harry piped up softly, and the two women smiled at him for a moment before Jay schooled her features into a more serious expression again.

“Look, forgive me for being blunt here, boys,” she began, and both Louis and Harry nodded, scooting slightly closer, afraid of what was coming. “But do you really think this is a good idea? Louis… Harry hurt you, and because of that, your entire life has changed-”

Anne cut in then, looking a little hurt at her friend’s harsh words. “Jay, please,” she asked, her voice laced with emotion. “Harry’s made such an effort to turn his life around…”

“I know, Anne,” Jay replied, keeping her eyes locked on the two men. “But still… you didn't see how much it broke Louis, how everything was different after his accident. I don’t understand how this-” she waved at the two of them quickly, “has happened, after everything.”

“That’s kind of why,” Louis said softly, getting their attention again. “After everything… I still love him. He’s shown me that he’s changed, that he wants to be a new person, to leave everything else in the past-”

Jay stood up then, and Louis followed her with his eyes, wondering what she was going to do next.

“I need a drink. Just… tea. Anyone else?”

“I’ll help you,” Louis said, pecking Harry’s cheek as he followed his mum into the familiar kitchen, watching as she lifted the kettle from its stand and took it to the sink, filling it up. “Mum, that was a bit out of order.”

She span around then, slamming the appliance onto its base, glaring at her son. “A bit out of order? Oh, I’m sorry I was completely blindsided by my son rocking up with a new boyfriend, the one who hurt him and broke his heart years ago. I’m sorry I’m a little bit confused by all of this, Louis… why the hell didn't you tell me?!”

Louis removed four mugs from the mug tree, setting them down quietly before he grabbed the carton of milk, starting to speak softly enough that he hoped Anne and Harry wouldn’t hear him. 

“I wanted to be sure before I told you. I know Harry hurt you in the past because of what he did to me but… I promise you, he’s changed. I didn't want to tell you and then us not work out, and me have to break your heart again because of my pathetic life. But it’s been a few weeks now, and I’m… I’m really happy, Mum. Harry makes me happy, and I think I make him happy too.” He paused for a moment, wanting to gauge her reaction. “Has Anne told you about…”

“His problems?” 

Louis nodded.

“Yeah. I had no idea it was so bad, that he nearly died, Lou. Are you sure he’s past all that? Because that’s a lot for you to take on…”

“He is. He goes to meetings to help him stay sober, and I’m so proud of him, Mum. He’s taken me with him, shown me what he goes through when he’s there. He’s not hiding anything from me, not anymore. You need to trust me, okay? Even if you can’t trust Harry, which I understand, I do, you can trust me. I wouldn’t let him in my life if I didn't trust him, or love him as much as I do. Don’t think I’m not terrified about this whole thing because I am, but it’s not as scary as the thought of losing him again, Mum.”

“Oh, Boobear…” she mumbled, opening her arms. Louis barrelled into them, his arms looping around her slim waist easily. “I just… you have no idea how much it broke me when you were injured, Louis. You’re my little boy, even now, and there’s part of me that can never forgive what he did to you.”

Louis just nodded again, his head hooked over her shoulder, not even trying to remove himself from her hold just yet. 

“But at the same time, you’re my son, and I trust your judgment. If you believe he’s changed, that he wants this with you, then I want to believe it, too. Just, give me time, okay? It’s a lot to get my head around.”

“I get that, I really do.” 

Louis pulled away, and helped her quietly finish off the tea’s, taking his own and Anne’s while Jay picked up Harry’s and her own. They walked back into the living room together, and Jay hesitated before she stepped over to Harry. She set the mugs down on the table, and before Louis could take his place, Jay plopped herself down next to him, gathering him into a hug.

Louis swallowed down the lump in his throat as he watched his boyfriend and his mother embrace, Harry clearly more than moved by her action given how she’d initially reacted. Louis then took Anne’s place, letting her take his hand as Jay and Harry pulled away. She muttered something he couldn’t quite hear, but Harry’s watery eyes told him everything he needed to know.

“So how is the songwriting going, love?” Anne asked, breaking the peace as they all reached for their drinks, cradling hot mugs in their hands. “I know you said the other day when we spoke it’s going well…”

“Yeah, really well,” Harry answered, a smile lighting up his face, making his dimple pop. Louis played absentmindedly with his lip where his piercing used to be, something he often did, missing the feeling of the little stud that used to be there. Occasionally he had the urge to re-pierce it but sometimes, he was pleased that he didn't, knowing that particular Louis was behind him now. “Lou’s amazing at what he does. I mean, I knew he was because he wrote so much of the band’s music with Ni, but yeah, it’s been so fantastic working with him again. I think we’ve got something pretty special with this album.”

“I agree,” Louis murmured in response before he sipped on his tea. “Harry’s really tapped into a lot of emotion in this record, and his lyrics are just so… powerful, I guess you could say. The feedback we’ve had has been good, so it’ll be nice to get going with it, see how it all comes together now we’re done.”

“Well, I can’t wait to hear it,” Jay said quietly. “I’m sure it’ll be wonderful. You were both always so good at writing music together.”

Harry blushed at that, ducking his head for a moment. “Thanks, Jay.”

They all talked for a while about a few of the songs, how they’d worked together and Harry’s upcoming meeting with his team at the record label in a few days time that he was very nervous for. It felt natural after a while to be sat there together, Louis’ feet tucked up underneath him as he sat next to Anne, watching Harry come alive as he spoke enthusiastically about his music and the things to come.

Louis excused himself after a bit, needing to use the loo. He headed up the stairs, smiling at a few of the photos Anne had hanging on the wall, laughing at the memories they evoked in him. There was blonde baby Harry, Anne and her two children on various holidays, and Harry and his sister grinning for the camera. Louis was startled to see one of himself and Harry in the early days on the band, arms flung around each other’s shoulders, smiling at whoever was taking the photo. It was a real trip down memory lane, and Louis felt nostalgic for a moment, hoping soon Anne could add a new photo of the pair of them to her little gallery, one that celebrated the exciting future they had ahead of them.

He used the bathroom and then headed downstairs, suddenly feeling fatigued after a long day on the road. They’d been planning on finding a hotel in town so they could divide their time between Anne’s and Jay’s homes, but now, Louis wondered if their plans might change. He descended the stairs but paused on the bottom stair, hearing Harry speaking to both women. He crept forwards slightly, able to hear more as he leaned against the wall, unseen by the others.

“...been honest with him, Harry? I mean about how bad it got?”

“I have, I promise. He knows everything. I had a bit of a wobble-”

“Oh god, Harry-”

“No, it’s fine, Mum. It’s okay, now, anyway. So I had some bad news about an old friend, and it threw me… I nearly drank but I called Lou, and he helped me. He didn't hesitate, he didn't judge, he was just there for me. That’s when I told I loved him, because he’s my everything.”

“I didn't mean to be so harsh to you before, love,” Jay cut in, her voice a little clearer than the others. “I can see you and Louis love each other a lot, and that you make each other happy. I only want what’s best for my son, Harry. After what you did… it’s going to take me some time to get used to this, to you two being together. But I’ll get there, I’m sure. Just… treat him right, okay? Look after him.”

“I will, I promise.”

“He acts strong, Harry, but he’s not, not really. He’s-”

“I know, Jay. He’s been honest with me, too. I know about all his meds, and his anxiety, and everything. I just want to help him get better, and I promise I’ll spend my life by his side, looking after him. I’m never going to let him go again, Jay, and I get that you might find it hard to trust me, but believe me when I say he’s the reason that I’m here. He’s the reason I wake up every day and stay clean, and sober. He’s my reason for everything.”

“Oh, Harry…”

There was silence for a moment, and Louis couldn’t resist walking back into the room, tears shining in his eyes having heard Harry’s heartfelt declaration to their parents. Harry pulled away from where he was holding Anne and just let Louis run into his arms, gathering him close. Louis laid his head on Harry’s chest, letting his t-shirt soak up his tears as they had a private moment. The two women had slipped out of the room, and Louis was glad for a moment alone with his boyfriend.

“I love you, you know. And I’m so proud of you, Harry.”

“I love you, too.”

Harry tilted his head down for a kiss, and Louis pressed their lips together, sighing into the kiss. They kept it relatively chaste given their mums were in the next room, but they both knew what was behind it; forgiveness, love and most of all, hope. Louis snuck his hands into the back pockets of Harry’s jeans, fluttering his eyes shut again as Harry cupped the back of his head, holding him tenderly.

“You wanna head up to bed? Mum says we can stay here tonight, then head to yours tomorrow?”

“Yeah, okay. Better than a hotel. Is my Mum going home tonight?”

Harry nodded and released Louis, heading over to their bags, kneeling down to rummage around for something. “Yeah, the girls are at home so she said she wants to get back. I can’t wait to see them again, I’m just annoyed Gemma isn’t here.”

“Call her. Tell her you’re home, you know she’ll come.”

“Maybe.” Harry stood up, Louis’ pill box in his hand. “Come on you, we need to get these done before we get too tired to remember.”

Louis smiled and turned around, Anne and Jay leant now against the doorframe, watching on with fond eyes as Harry leaned over to the table, popping open the evening’s section, shaking the pills out, entirely unaware he was being watched.

“Here you go, baby- oh. Uh…”

Jay stepped over, and cupped Harry’s cheek before she pushed onto her toes, brushing her lips against his cheek quickly. “Thank you. For taking such good care of my boy. Goodnight, you two.” She returned to Louis, kissing him too before she gathered her keys and coat, leaving with a promise of seeing them both tomorrow. 

Louis took the pills from Harry and headed to the kitchen, swallowing them down with a glass of water as Harry went upstairs, taking their bags with him. Louis rinsed his glass and flicked off the light, ready for bed now. He paused as he saw Anne staring out of the window, her face lit by the soft lamp in the corner of the room.

“Are you alright, Anne?”

“Hmm? Oh, yes, I’m fine, Louis.”

“Sure?”

She nodded, smiling softly. “I’m just… so grateful you’ve made my boy smile again. There was a point where I thought I was going to lose him, Louis… that I thought I’d have to bury my son. It was the worst moment of my life, and I never want to go back to that-”

“He won’t. He’s happy now, Anne.”

“Because of you,” she said, nodding with a certainty Louis felt inside of him. “You’ve made my son want to live, and I can never thank you enough for bringing him back to me. You’re so good for him, Louis.”

“He’s good for me, too. He reminds me of who I used to be, that I’m not just my illness. I feel... alive when I’m with him.”

Anne smiled again, and pulled Louis into a quick hug. “I love you, Louis, just like I love my son. That never changed, you know.”

“Love you too,” he whispered, kissing her cheek before she sniffed. He decided to leave her alone for a moment and whispered good night, going upstairs to Harry as quietly as he could. He opened the door to Harry’s childhood bedroom, smiling at the sight of his boyfriend splayed out on his tummy in his boxers, scribbling away in a little notebook. As Louis shut the door, he looked back over his shoulder, smiling at him. “Comfy, are we?”

“Very, thank you very much,” Harry teased, rolling onto his tummy, baring his torso. He scratched at his thigh for a moment, over one of the tattoos inked into his skin there. “Mum okay?”

“She’s good,” Louis muttered as he pulled off his clothes, chucking them into the corner of the room, laughing when Harry rolled his eyes as he did so. “What a day, huh? Can’t quite believe how that all turned out…”

“I know. I’m glad it’s all out in the open, though, that we don’t have to hide tomorrow with your family. Actually, speaking of hiding…” 

Louis glanced over, cocking his eyebrow at his boyfriend who now had his hands clasped across his tummy. He yanked off his socks and finally walked over to the bed, nudging Harry over with his knee until he could lie down, curled into his side, fingertips running over Harry’s chest, hovering over where the heartbeat tattoo was, Louis’ personal favourite one now.

“I, uh… I’ve been thinking. About the album, I mean. And our songs.”

“Okay…” Louis answered, trying to work out where Harry was going with this.

“You write under your pseudonym, right?”

“Yeah, William Austin.”

“Well… what if you didn't?”

“Huh?”

“What if I credited you as Louis Tomlinson on the songs we wrote?”

“Shit, Harry, I…” Louis exhaled, sitting up for a moment. He shuddered as Harry stroked his back, staying quiet while Louis contemplated that, knowing it was a huge step. “That’s a huge step, Haz. Putting myself back out there, after all this time.”

“You deserve to shine, Lou. The world deserves to see that it’s you behind all of these amazing songs, how talented you are.”

“But…” Louis’ voice cracked as his biggest fears finally forced their heads, threatening to make him cry again as they had done so many times before.  “What if they hate me, Haz? What if they don’t accept me, or think I’m just riding on your coat-tails? As William Austin, no-one knows me, they don’t judge me-”

“Louis, stop.” Harry sat up then, crossed his legs and sat opposite Louis, taking his hands for a moment. “Baby, please. I really wish you saw yourself as I did, you know. I want you to be proud of who you are and what you’ve done with your life. You made something of yourself when so many people would have given up. Don’t you think you deserve a bit of credit for what you do? For the amazing work you put out there for people to enjoy?”

“I guess… I’m just so scared, Harry.”

“And I’m right here, Lou. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

Louis nodded and motioned for Harry to lay back down, which he did. Louis flicked off the bedside light, plunging them into darkness as he slid back under the covers, curled up to Harry’s warm body again. Harry always was his personal radiator, and Louis wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to sleep alone again. He kissed Harry’s chest before he kissed his lips, neither of them attempting to make it anything more than that.

He could feel Harry’s breaths even out as they parted, and the house was silent around him. His mind was a whirr of thoughts, positives and negatives flying around as he tried to work out what to do. While the thought of finally publishing music under his own name was something he’d always dreamed of, the reality of it was frightening. He hadn’t told anyone bar his closest friends and family about his condition, what had happened to him, and the idea of the press latching onto that if his name came into the spotlight again petrified him.

But there was something about Harry that made Louis feel like he could do this, that anything was possible. He knew Harry would be with him every step, that he wouldn’t leave his side and he’d fight for him no matter what. But still, it would be Louis putting himself out there. He sighed, wriggling to make himself comfortable, hoping he’d fall asleep so he could make a decision in the morning.

Sleep, though, seemed elusive. Louis stared into the pitch black surrounding him, soothed by Harry’s rhythmic breathing, their legs and hands still touching. No matter what, Louis couldn’t shut his mind off. He kept picturing what it would be like to see his name printed on the inner sleeve of Harry’s album art as a songwriter, next to Harry’s own name. How it would be to finally receive public recognition for his work. How proud his family would be of him. It was then he knew. 

“Haz?”

“Mm?” Harry sniffed then rolled away, and Louis rolled his eyes, nudging Harry again.

“Harry, love, wake up a sec.”

“S’wrong, Lou? You okay?” Harry cleared his throat, and Louis reached out, turning the light on, giggling lightly as Harry squinted into the sudden glow of the room. “Fuck…”

“Sorry. Just… I need to tell you something.”

“Go on then.”

Louis loved how deep Harry’s voice was with sleep, and suddenly, he couldn’t wait to tell him.

“I’ll do it.”

“Okay… good.” There was a pause, and Harry blinked up at Louis, clearly confused. “Wait, what?”

“I’ll do it. You can use my name, for the songwriting credits, I mean.”

“You… you’re fucking amazing, you know that? I fucking love you, Tomlinson.” 

Louis giggled as Harry rolled him onto his back, pushing him down into the mattress as he kissed him deeply, their tongues playing together for a few moments until Louis found the strength to push Harry off, Harry groaning as he flopped backwards on the bed, rubbing at his eyes sleepily. 

“Oh, you’re not gonna let me hear the end of this, are you?”

“Are you kidding me?” Harry asked, throwing a leg across Louis’ as they tangled up once more Louis turning the light off again to let them sleep. “This is just the bloody beginning, Lou. We have so much more to come.”


	17. Chapter 17

_ Four Months Later _

Louis walked up to the calendar in his kitchen, finally crossing off the penultimate day to the one that he and Harry had been counting down to for so long now. He grinned as he put a big black X through the day and turned to Harry, sending him a wink before he capped the pen again, chucking it back on the worktop. He could see Harry smiling, but the nerves were clearly there too. Louis took pity on his boyfriend and walked over, looping his arms around Harry’s bare waist, kissing his heartbeat tattoo before he tilted his chin back, looking up at him.

“Come on, love, this is meant to be exciting…”

“It is,” Harry began, pecking Louis’ forehead before he stepped away, heading for Louis’ pill box as he always did in the mornings. When Louis had been diagnosed, he’d always been adamant about being independent and never having someone take care of him, but somehow, Harry doing just that was something he liked. He liked how Harry always made sure he had his pills in the morning and before bed, that he kept up with his appointments, and that he was well. 

Louis felt it was no coincidence he’d barely had any panic attacks since he’d got together with Harry again. His anxiety had certainly lessened to a huge extent, to the point where he’d discussed with his doctors just a few weeks ago about decreasing his dose of anti-anxiety meds, them agreeing to it, slowly of course. Louis had felt proud of himself, and Harry had squeezed his hand tightly enough that Louis knew he was proud too. So many things had changed, and despite Louis’ hatred of change in his life, he was welcoming every single part of it.

“So, what’s wrong then?”

“I just… it’s a lot, you know? Finally getting the album out there, having people other than us hearing it, judging me and my music. And there’s gonna be…” He trailed off, eyes flitting to the side instead of finishing his sentence, and it dawned on Louis what he meant.

“There’s gonna be alcohol, right? That’s what you’re worried about?”

“Yeah. Is that pathetic? That after all this time, I still worry about being around drink, even though I know I don’t want it? I really don’t, Lou, I promise, but-”

“Hey, no, it’s not pathetic. I totally get it. And there won’t be alcohol.”

“You- what?”

“There won’t be any alcohol,” Louis repeated, a small smile on his lips as Harry led them over to the table, sitting down together, ankles linked underneath. “Your manager called the other day when you were in the shower, you know I answered that, right?” Harry nodded. “Okay, well, I asked them then if they could make sure no alcohol would be served. I just said I couldn’t drink because I was on medication, and you didn't want me to feel left out. So they agreed, and… yeah.”

“You’re so fucking amazing, do you know that?” Harry said through a huge smile, his dimple crater-like in his cheek. “You did that for me?”

“Of course I did,” Louis grinned back, stroking Harry’s hand which was on the table now. “It’s your album launch, darling. I want you to be happy, and if that means we have to drink Pepsi or juice all night, so be it. They did say they’d get in a bartender who made good virgin cocktails, though...”

“You really are the most thoughtful human being I’ve ever met.”

Harry kissed Louis softly then, and reluctantly got up, bringing over Louis’ pills with a glass of water.

“Think we’re both pretty good on the thoughtful front,” Louis murmured before he placed the pills on his tongue, swallowing them down quickly. It was a chilly January morning, and despite the frost Louis could see outside in his garden, both of them were dressed only in their boxers, the heating blaring out to keep them warm. Cosy mornings at home with Harry were his favourite, and Louis just relaxed back in his chair, letting Harry make breakfast. It was nice after so long living alone to finally share his mornings with someone, even if they just ate in silence next to each other. “How are you feeling about tomorrow, though?”

“Nervous,” Harry admitted as he headed for the fridge, grabbing the butter and jam from it, setting both things on the table near Louis. “I love the album, and so do you, but the thought of sharing such a private part of myself is daunting. But at the same time, I’m itching to get the ball rolling, get out there and promo it, hear the songs on the radio and stuff. It’s just mad that it’s finally happening after all these years.”

“Well, I’m just glad I’m by your side, watching you succeed,” Louis said, grabbing Harry’s wrist as he made to move away. “All you need to remember is that everyone is going to be there to support you tomorrow night. They all want to be there. It’s going to be great. And to be honest, I can’t wait to see you in that suit. I think it’s a bit rude you haven’t shown me yet, actually…”

“Got to keep some sense of mystery going.” 

Louis laughed as Harry walked away, grabbing the toast from the toaster and putting in on the table between them. He sat down, and Louis hopped up, grabbing the mugs of tea Harry had forgotten on the side.

“The girls are so excited,” Louis mumbled through a mouthful of toast, watching Harry meticulously spread his peanut butter over his own slice. “I sent Mum some money to get them some new dresses, and they look lovely. So grown up, it’s hard to believe they’re only fourteen. It means the world to them that you invited them, you know.”

“They’re my family,” Harry said easily with a shrug of his shoulders, making Louis shudder at how natural those words sounded. “I want everyone who I care about there to celebrate with me. Your family have always been my family too, Lou. I still can’t believe your Mum has forgiven me, if I’m totally honest.”

“She loves you,” was all Louis needed to say. “You were always her second son. Don’t think I don’t know you sat texting her last night while we watched Game of Thrones…”

“Thought you were too busy ogling Kit Harrington to notice,” Harry teased, and Louis kicked his ankle sharply, making his boyfriend giggle. They finished their breakfast as they spoke about various other things for the following night, how they couldn’t wait to have all of their friends and family in one place, and Louis could feel his panic rising at the realisation of how many people were going to be there. It had been a long time since he’d been in that sort of environment, let alone with that many people around him. 

“Hey,” Harry cut in, breaking Louis from his thoughts. “I’m gonna be there, you know? And if it’s too much, Jay says she’ll bring you back here. I won’t mind, Lou, you need to do what’s right for you.”

Louis vehemently shook his head at that, adamant he wouldn’t be missing a second of the party. He could do this, he knew he could. He just had to be brave.

“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me. I’ll clear up here, you getting in the shower?”

“Yeah, wanna join me?”

“In a minute,” Louis replied, standing up to collect the plates. “I just wanna make a quick phone call. Go and get it warmed up for me, okay?”

“Will do. Love you, Lou.” 

Harry kissed Louis’ lips for a moment, and Louis’ hand cupped Harry’s cheek before Harry pulled away, swaying his hips as he left the room, heading upstairs. Louis waited until he could hear the shower turn on and Harry starting to sing to himself before he grabbed his phone, dialling a familiar number quickly so he wouldn’t be heard.

“Morning Z, sorry it’s so early. I just wondered if you’d do me a massive favour…”

~*~

Louis was lounging on the sofa when the doorbell went.

“I’ll get it!” Harry called from the kitchen, and Louis sank back down, awaiting his friend’s arrival since he knew exactly who would be on the other side of the door. He heard Harry exclaim happily before there were muffled voices, then the close of the front door. Louis smiled to himself as he heard the two men chatting in his hallway before finally, footsteps came towards the sitting room. Clifford barely looked up from where he was laid alongside Louis’ sofa on the floor, and Louis grinned, raising a hand in a wave.

“Hello, Z,” he called, watching as Zayn put his bag down on the floor, a gesture not missed by Harry who frowned slightly, trying to puzzle out what was going on. “How’s things?”

“All good, thanks, mate. You two well?”

“Yeah, we’re great,” Harry replied, sitting next to Louis, resting a hand on his thigh. “Tomorrow’s coming round too quick though. You looking forward to it?”

“Yeah, mate. I love these things, you know I do. Last one I went to was Li’s a few months ago, so it’ll be nice to finally be at yours. About time you had your chance to shine.”

“I appreciate that, mate. Did you just come to… check in, then?”

“Uh…” Zayn looked at Louis, who had a bit of a smirk now.

“Oh god, I know that look. What have you done, Lou?”

Louis turned to face his boyfriend for a moment, ignoring Zayn who had picked up the TV guide on the coffee table, flicking through the pages as Harry and Louis spoke quietly to each other.

“Well, I knew you were stressed about tomorrow, so I thought you might appreciate a little stress reliever?”

“Us and... Zayn?” Harry shrieked, giving Louis a completely perplexed expression. “Are you kidding?”

“What- NO! Oh god, no. NO. Save that for later on, dirty boy. No, I thought Zayn could help us with something we’ve been talking about lately? Something we wanted to do together?”

Realisation dawned in Harry’s eyes then, and Louis could see how his eyes lit up, a smile spreading slowly across his face. Somehow, making Harry smile had become the highlight of Louis’ day, and it felt like a personal achievement every time he made that happen. 

“Are you serious?”

“Deadly.”

“Zayn, is he serious?”

“Yep,” Zayn piped up, barely glancing from where he was deeply engrossed in an article. “Wait- about what?”

“We’re getting inked, right, Lou?”

Louis nodded and laughed as Harry pounced on him, pushing him backwards into the sofa cushion, kissing all over his face until Zayn groaned, covering his face with the magazine, finally forcing Louis and Harry apart, straightening out their crumpled clothes. Louis put his feet on the floor, careful to avoid Clifford as he did so, grabbing Harry’s hands in his own.

“So when do we get started?”

Zayn stood up, realising that meant he was going to need to get going sooner rather than later. Within half an hour, Zayn was sat at the kitchen table with black latex gloves on his hands, his tattoo gun prepped and ready, along with the transfers that Louis had had done quietly a few days ago with Zayn. He and Harry had talked for long enough about what they wanted, and when Louis had decided to get the tattoos, he’d sent some images to Zayn, asking him to get them ready for whenever they wanted the tattoos. Sure, he hadn’t planned on them being tonight, but it had felt right when Harry had been nervous that morning to book Zayn for a surprise session.

“You going first, or shall I?” Harry asked, and Louis just pointed at the empty chair, keen for Harry to get the process started. “So we’re getting our couples ones first, right? Then I want something else, Z, if that’s okay?”

“What were you thinking?” Zayn asked, pressing the transfer paper against Harry’s wrist. “Something big, or…”

“Nah, just… something for me. I don’t want Lou to know til it’s done.”

“Rude,” Louis teased, leant back against the worktop, watching Zayn start to get ready. “Shit, feels like forever since I’ve watched you get a tattoo, love. Haven’t seen you at work for too long either, Z”

“Well, I’m just fucking glad to be the one doing this for you both. You know people are gonna ask about these tomorrow if they see them, right?”

Both Louis and Harry nodded then, neither ashamed to finally be adding more ink to their collection. Zayn just shrugged and got to work, chatting easily to both men as he slowly worked over the design etched on Harry’s skin. He didn't comment on their choices, figuring it was something private for the two of them, and he couldn’t help but notice how close they were; finishing each other’s sentences, Louis constantly hovering near Harry to make sure he was okay, and Harry’s eyes rarely leaving his boyfriend. 

“Right, that one’s done. Did you want to do yours next, Lou, or shall I finish Harry off first?”

Louis raised his eyebrows at Zayn at those words, making him splutter before he laughed, all of them joining in by now. Harry asked to get his ink completely finished, so Louis headed out of the room, flicking aimlessly through the TV channels until Harry appeared in the doorway, a plaster covering up the ink he couldn’t see. His other one that Louis had chosen was wrapped in a clear dressing, and Louis held his hand, taking a good look at it.

“It’s beautiful,” he breathed, longing to kiss the symbol inked onto Harry’s body only for him. “I love it. And I love you. Thank you for getting that on your body for me.”

“I’ve wanted to get another tattoo for you for a long time,” Harry confessed, pulling Louis closer by the belt loops on his jeans. Louis’ toes were lined up with Harry’s now, and he liked being this close to his other half. Zayn was banging about in the kitchen but Louis was in no hurry to break away from how they were. “I hope you like the other one too.”

“I’m sure I will.”

They kissed softly for a few moments until Zayn called for Louis, forcing them to break apart.

“Go on, your turn to get inked for me,” Harry teased, slapping Louis’ bum as he turned around, walking off to the kitchen. Harry sat and talked to the pair as Louis had his own tattoo done, barely wincing as the needle repeatedly pierced his skin, leaving the image behind. It didn't take Zayn that long to finish up, and he cleaned off the excess ink, wrapping it up as Harry and Louis watched on intently. 

“Okay, what other one did you want?”

“Off you trot, love,” Louis called to Harry, who did as he was told, leaving him and Zayn alone. “Um… I wanted this?” He pulled up an image on his phone, watching as Zayn tried to work out what it was. “It’s important to me… to Haz. I got a photo printed of it so you can trace it.”

“Alright then, I trust that you know what you’re doing. Where do you want it?”

“Back of my neck,” Louis answered easily, having thought about this for weeks now. He pulled his t-shirt off over his head, exposing the entirety of his neck to Zayn, shivering as his best friend’s fingers worked against the skin, working out the rough size of the tattoo.

“Here?”

“Yeah, feels good.”

“Okay, let me mock it up.”

There was quiet for a while as Zayn drew the tattoo and pressed the transfer into Louis’ skin, taking a quick photo on his phone. Louis nodded in approval, and gritted his teeth as Zayn got to work. The skin there was thinner and more sensitive, so he didn't speak as much until Zayn finished it, letting out a long, slow breath as Zayn cleaned up, putting on a plaster so Harry couldn’t see it.

“I’m glad you two are so happy, you know,” Zayn said softly as he stuck to the plaster to Louis’ neck, making sure not to trap his hair in the sticky dressing. “You’re good for each other. To go through what you both have and come out the other side… I admire both of you. It’s pretty obvious how sickeningly in love you are as well. I’m glad you found your way back to him.”

“Me too,” Louis replied, touching the dressing gingerly, the skin sensitive underneath. “Oi, love, you can come back in now.”

Harry appeared in the doorway a few seconds later as Louis stood up, his eyes raking all over Louis’ body, keen to see where he’d inked himself.

“Where is it?”

“Ah, you have to find it,” Louis teased, and Harry hurried over, circling Louis before his hand came to rest on the back of his neck, trailing across the dressing. “Ooh, makes me shiver when you do that…”

“Louis, what did you do?” Harry’s voice was soft and curious, and Louis slowly turned around, meeting Harry’s eyes for a moment. Louis smiled softly, reaching down to link his hand with Harry’s. Both of them had entirely forgotten that Zayn was stood there watching, and spent a moment in silence, letting what they’d just done together sink in. “I love you. So, so much, you know? Like… I never thought I could love someone as much as I love you. It’s like you’re part of me, Lou.”

“I know, sweetheart.”

They jumped as Zayn dropped his tattoo gun onto the table, looking sheepish as they span around, looking at him. They all laughed which broke a little bit of the tension, and Harry walked over to the fridge, pulling out a beer for Zayn, and a couple of cans of Pepsi for himself and Louis. He handed them around and the men opened them, all clinking drinks before they took a long sip.

“Z… thanks for doing this,” Harry started, letting Louis come and stand between his legs where he was stood against the table. Louis fitted perfectly against him and he snuggled back, feeling more than at home in Harry’s arms. “I’ve wanted to get a tattoo for Louis for so long, and I’m glad it was you.”

“You’re welcome, mate. Lou’s been telling me for years I’ll never get my hands on him again, so it’s nice to prove him wrong.”

“Oi!” Louis huffed, sticking up his middle finger at Zayn who just laughed it off. “Seriously, though, Haz is right. And it meant a lot to me you came at such short notice. Just what we needed tonight to take Harry’s mind off tomorrow.”

“Again, it’s my pleasure, Lou.”

“Can I settle up with you next week?”

“Nope, they’re on me,” Zayn said, sliding his tattoo gun back into its box, clipping it shut before he stowed it away again in his rucksack. “Consider it my pressie to you to both to celebrate the album.”

Louis bit his lip, suddenly feeling emotional as he smiled softly at his best friend. He pushed away from Harry, grabbing Zayn in a quick hug. He muttered a few words quietly to his friend before he parted, letting Harry give him a quick hug too. Zayn made an exit after they’d finished off their drinks, promising to see him tomorrow night at the party, and finally, Harry and Louis were alone.

They left their empty cans by the sink as they flicked off the lights, locking the doors before they headed upstairs to bed. Clifford was asleep in his bed, and Harry had grabbed Louis’ pills for the night, holding them in his hand until they got to their bedroom, leaving them on Louis’ bedside table.

“Louis?” Harry called from where he sat on the edge of the bed, waiting for Louis to finish up in the bathroom. “I wanna know what your tattoo is.”

“Hmm?” Louis mumbled, sticking his head out of the bathroom, blue toothbrush sticking out of the side of his mouth. 

“Your tattoo. I want to see it.”

Louis held up his finger, telling Harry to wait a moment while he spat into the sink, rinsing out his mouth before he wandered in. He came to a stop between Harry’s legs, resting his hands on Harry’s bare shoulders. He stroked across them gently as Harry tugged on the hem of his t-shirt, pushing it up enough he could kiss along Louis’ tummy. Despite the sit-ups he’d tried over the years, he’d never managed to get rid of the little pooch there, but Harry didn't care. He always kissed it and loved to rest his head on it, and Louis realised if Harry loved it, maybe he could learn to love it too.

“You want to show each other tonight?”

“Yeah. I don’t see the point in waiting, do you?”

Louis shook his head, and he felt his heartbeat start to race as Harry’s hand crept up his spine slowly before he picked at the edge of his dressing.

“Hang on-”

Harry paused immediately, eyes fixed on Louis.

“You don’t want to?”

“No, no, I do,” Louis began, not hesitating. “I just… let me?”

Harry nodded and took a step back. Louis could feel his eyes boring into his back, and lifted his arms slowly, letting Harry remove his t-shirt from his body. Louis felt bare and exposed, but in front of Harry, he didn't mind. Harry’s touch was gentle as he peeled the dressing away from Louis’ skin, and Louis could hear the sob as the tattoo was revealed.

“Oh fuck… Louis, you didn't-”

“I did. I want you to be part of me forever. I know what that tattoo means to you, and I need you to know I want you to live… to live through me, to live  _ with _ me, Harry. By my side.”

Harry traced over the heartbeat trace etched onto Louis’ skin now, identical to Harry's own, his touch soft because the skin was still raw from the needle scratching the image into his skin earlier that night. He sniffed as he did so, and when his touch disappeared, Louis whirled around, cupping Harry’s cheeks in his hand, kissing his lips softly, ignoring the slight sting at the back of his neck.

“My turn?”

Harry nodded, ignoring the tears still falling from his eyes as Louis held his arm gently. Louis lifted Harry’s arm for a moment, kissing the skin before he peeled off the dressing, giggling softly when he saw what was underneath.

“Oh, you soppy git.”

“You don’t like it?”

“I fucking love it.”

“I’m sorry the first one was ruined, love, I truly am. Apart from hurting you, it was my biggest regret. I hate looking at it and remembering what it once was, so I hope this makes it okay again?”

Louis looked down at the little stickman on his arm, complete with a skateboard but this time, there was an addition. Next to the figure was a small blue heart, something Louis knew was for him. He smiled again as he looked at it, touched that Harry had remembered how hurt he’d been when he realised Harry had defaced the tattoo in the years they’d been separated.

“It does. And I like the new bit. Bit of a soppy bastard, aren’t you?”

“Only for you,” Harry nodded, laughing loudly as Louis pushed him backwards onto the bed before straddling his hips, grinning down at his boyfriend. “What are you doing?”

“Hopefully you,” Louis said with a straight face, only holding it for a second before he and Harry both broke down into laughter, Harry’s fingers coming up and tickling Louis’ sides before he pulled him down on the bed, rolling him underneath his body. Louis looked up where Harry was trapping him against the mattress, feeling more than content. “Going to show me you love me then?”

“The ink I got today not enough?”

“Lemme see the other one first, then I’ll decide.”

Harry grinned and nodded as Louis grabbed for his left wrist, peeling away the dressing, revealing the anchor Zayn had put there earlier on. They stayed silent as Harry picked up Louis’ right wrist, the two choosing those arms so their tattoos would link up whenever they stood side by side. Louis’ dressing was removed, revealing his own rope tattoo, complementing the one Harry had chosen for his own body. 

When they’d decided what they’d wanted, both men had put a lot of thought into the decision, both choosing something nautical themed. Harry had chosen an anchor to represent Louis, telling him he was the one who kept him anchored in the here and now, making him want to live and be around. Louis was very much his reason, his anchor to everything good. Similarly, Louis had chosen a rope because Harry was always the one who brought him home, no matter what. Harry was the rope he could cling to when he was feeling adrift, the one who would always hold on to him now, no matter how bad things got.

“I love them so much,” Harry whispered, laying his wrist next to Louis’, smiling down at the tattoos side by side. 

“They’re for us,” Louis replied, leaning in to kiss Harry. “Now while I think they’re a pretty good way of showing me you love me, I can think of a few other ways you could show me too…”

“Oh yeah?” Harry asked, cocking an eyebrow as Louis crawled nearer. “And what’s that then?”

Louis smirked back at him. “Use your imagination- oh fuck, Harry!”

~*~

Louis clutched Harry’s hand as they got out of the car that had driven them to the venue. Harry’s team had been strict that there be no paparazzi or photographers present at the venue as Louis would be entering with him, and the last thing any of them wanted was for Louis’ epilepsy to be triggered by camera flashes. Instead, there was going to be a small room inside where Harry could have photos done with those attending, and Louis would be able to avoid it if he wanted. He was just hoping the photographer would be able to get good photo of him and Harry without a flash.

“You okay?” Harry asked, pulling Louis closer as they hovered outside the door. He could hear music thumping behind the doors and looked up to his boyfriend, grinning. As much as this night was about Harry, he had still paused, checking on Louis before he went into his own party. Louis wasn’t sure how he got this lucky.

“I’m great. Really great. Come on, let’s get you in there, your adoring public awaits.”

“I’m not sure I’d call our mums my adoring public, Lou...” Harry mumbled as he opened the door, letting Louis slip inside past him. All of the eyes of the room were on them then, and everyone started applauding them. Harry scrabbled to hold Louis’ hand, pulling him over as he blushed, waving slightly at the gathered crowd of people.

Louis glanced around quickly, trying to work out who was there. There was a lot of faces he didn't recognise who Louis assumed were people in Harry’s team and record label, but there was also a lot of people dear to his own heart. His Mum was stood with Anne, beaming with pride at the two men, and Anne’s husband Robin was next to them, smartly dressed in his only suit. His eyes moved around the room, spotting Louis’ sisters stood together, the younger twins stuck like glue to Lottie’s side, waving excitedly at their brother and Harry. Gemma was chatting to Zayn, a glass of wine in her hand, and Louis’ heart felt full at them all being together again.

They walked further into the room, Harry shaking people’s hands and greeting them with big smiles, proudly chatting away to whoever as Louis remained at his side, determined to support Harry every step of the way tonight. This was the culmination of so many months of hard work for Harry, and Louis felt so happy to be part of it, to see Harry shine in his own right. It was time for this, without a doubt.

“-and this is my boyfriend, Louis. He co-wrote all of the songs on the album with me, so it’s as much his album as it is mine.”

“Wonderful to finally meet you,” the man said to Louis, reaching over to shake his hand as well. “I’m Jeff, Harry’s manager. This one doesn’t stop talking about you, you know.”

Louis blushed at that, but let Harry put his arm around his shoulders, tugging him against his side. Harry’s body was warm up against his own, and Louis felt entirely at home, even in a room full of people. He’d had a little panic attack before they’d left the house, the thought of being around a room of strangers too intimidating, but Harry had talked him through it, encouraging Louis to take his anxiety meds, saying there was no shame in it. Louis had done, and as promised, Harry wasn’t leaving his side. Yes, it was still daunting, but Louis knew if he could do this, it was a big step forwards, for both himself, and him and Harry as a couple.

“He gives me too much credit,” Louis began. “This is all his album, for sure. I’m just the proud boyfriend tonight, and that’s fine by me.”

“If you don’t mind, Jeff, I’d better mingle, I can see our mums over there itching to come and steal us away.”

“Sure,” Jeff laughed, patting Harry’s shoulder and smiling at the pair of them again. “You make a lovely couple, you know.  Enjoy your evening, and don’t forget to thank me in your speech.”

Harry laughed as he walked away hand in hand with Louis, heading over their mums who grabbed their sons in excited hugs, kissing their cheeks before they switched men, Louis going easily into Anne’s embrace. It felt as comfortable as his own mother’s, and his eyes drifted over to where Jay’s arms were wrapped around Harry, whispering something to him for a minute.

“I’m so glad you’re here with him,” Anne murmured as she released Louis from her hug, wiping away a smudge of lipstick on his cheek with her thumb. “He’s stronger whenever you’re beside him.”

“I wouldn’t be here without him, Anne. I, uh, I freaked out a bit this morning but always, he was there for me. Offered to cancel the whole thing if that’s what I needed.”

Anne just smiled softly, taking Louis’ hand. “You enjoy the evening, okay? Are Niall and Liam here?”

Louis shrugged, unsure as he hadn’t seen either of their friends. He pushed onto his tiptoes and looked around, grinning widely when he saw Liam making conversation with Nick across the room, and waved quickly, Liam raising his drink at Louis, acknowledging him. “Just seen Li, he’s with Nick. Not seen Niall, though. He didn't reply to the RSVP so I’m not expecting him.”

Anne pursed her lips, and before Louis could say anymore, Harry pulled him close again, standing behind him, arms wrapped easily around Louis’ slender waist. They were both in coordinating navy suits, Louis in a green tie that matched Harry’s eyes, and Harry in a bright blue that he likened to Louis’ blue eyes in the shop. Louis was aware of how good they looked together, and was so proud to be around his boyfriend tonight.

They chatted to their mothers for a few more minutes until they decided to keep circulating around the room, greeting various people. Harry introduced Louis to the people in his team he didn't know, and it never failed to make Louis smile when Harry introduced him as his boyfriend. Everyone was very nice about the two of them, how good they looked and praising Harry’s album to the hilt. Finally, they came to a stop in front of Nick and Liam, both Louis and Harry hugging each of them in turn. As Harry made conversation with Nick, the two of them more than over the jealousy Harry had initially harboured towards the other man over his friendship with Louis, Liam tugged Louis by the sleeve, shuffling a few steps away.

“I’ve text Ni but I’ve not heard from him. Have you?”

Louis shook his head. He wished that he didn't feel disappointed but he did regardless. He knew it was perhaps a stretch asking him to attend Harry’s launch party, but still, it stung slightly he couldn’t do it for Louis, if nothing else. He’d text both boys telling them he was struggling with the thought of the big party, and they’d both been supportive, telling Louis he’d be fine, that Harry would be with him the whole night. 

“No, I haven’t. But it’s his choice, I told him that from the start.”

Liam answered with a thunderous expression on his face. “Well, I’m fucking pissed off at him and I’m gonna tell him as much later. Just ignore him not being here, okay? Enjoy tonight with Haz… he looks so happy, Lou.”

“He is,” Louis said through his own grin, watching Nick and Harry laughing maniacally at something, the pair of them red faced, nudging each other as they shared yet another joke. Louis loved to see the two of them getting on, and it only reinforced how easily their lives had come together since he and Harry had become a couple again, people on both sides accepting the other as their friend and family now.

Tracks from Harry’s album began to play lowly into the room then, and people started to dance on the makeshift dance floor as Harry dragged Louis over, hands on his hips as they melded into the crowd, ignoring everyone else around them, eyes only for each other. They sang along as they danced, the only ones who knew the words, and it meant so much more knowing the words they’d written really were for each other. As each song finished, everyone applauded and cheered loudly before the next one began. The tracks sounded even better now, and Louis felt proud he’d made the decision to share the songwriting with Harry, even accepting royalties at Harry’s insistence even though he hadn’t really wanted to.

“Could I get your attention for a moment?” came a voice over the microphone, and everyone turned, looking up to the little stage area. Louis held Harry’s hand as they both smiled at each other before they looked to Jeff. Out of the corner of his eye, Louis saw the main doors open, a shadowed figure slipping inside. He watched as the person made his way through the room, suddenly lit by a sliver of light he stood in. Louis teared up when he realised who it was and they locked eyes across the room.

Niall nodded to Louis who returned it, and Louis wished he could make his way to his friend, but instead, he focused in on the words Jeff was speaking to the room about his boyfriend. Niall could wait. The fact he’d turned up at all meant the world, and he tugged on Harry’s hand, Harry dipping his head so Louis could whisper in his ear.

“Niall’s here. Just came in.”

Harry bit his lip and just nodded quickly, blinking rapidly as he squeezed Louis’ hand. It was then he knew how much Niall’s presence meant to him. It felt like an acceptance of Harry, of their relationship. Louis squeezed back, and listened again to Jeff, who was finishing up his speech.

“This guy has been a pleasure to work with over the past few months, and I’m so thrilled we are finally getting to show this album off to the world. I’m confident it’s going to be the first of many. Please put your hands together for the amazingly brilliant Mr Harry Styles!”

The room exploded into loud cheers and Harry laughed, pressing his lips firmly against Louis’ a few times before he mumbled “love you, Lou” to him, stumbling towards the stage, leaving Louis with Jay and Anne, both women now linking their arms with him, telling Louis wordlessly he wasn’t alone. Louis just watched as Harry embraced Jeff, the two talking out of earshot of the microphone for a moment before Harry ambled over to the front of the stage, his cheeks red as he looked out at the people gathered there just for him.

“This is just… wow. Thank you all so much for being here tonight, this really is the stuff of dreams. It feels like I’ve been waiting a long time for this moment and now it’s finally here, it’s a bit surreal. Hearing my songs played in here tonight is amazing, and I hope you all loved them as much as I do. Now, I have a lot of people to thank so please bear with me.”

There was a low hum of laughter as Harry continued on with his speech, thanking the people who made up his team, calling the main people onto the stage, hugging them and thanking them personally. Louis felt it was a wonderful touch.

“I’d also love to thank my friends who have come here to support me tonight. Zayn, Liam, Niall and Nick - your support has been amazing, and I’m grateful to have each of you in my life. I know it’s taken a lot for some of you to be here, and that’s why it means so much to me that you made it tonight. You guys are the best mates I could ask for.”

The four men held up their drinks to Harry, staying huddled together on the floor and Louis watched as Harry took a shaky breath, aware he was getting to the end of his speech.

“To my amazing family. I couldn’t have done this without any of you. I love you all so much. So Mum, Robin, Gemma-” Louis looked around, expecting them to head to the stage when Harry carried on listing people. “Jay, Lottie, Fizzy, Phoebe, Daisy… you’re the best family I could ever ask for. Thank you for being here tonight.”

The room burst into applause, and Louis sniffed back his tears at the fact Harry had listed his family as his own, that there hadn’t been a second’s hesitation in doing so. Harry was his future, that much was never in doubt, and everything just felt perfect.

“Finally… there’s one more person I have to thank. Without this man, I wouldn’t be up here. I wouldn’t be here at all, actually. He’s saved me in more ways than I could ever say. He’s my reason for everything, the absolute love of my life. He’s the bravest, strongest person I’ve ever met, and I feel so amazed to have him in my life, by my side. He wrote this album with me, and his talent leaves me in awe of him every single day I have the privilege to work with him.” Harry paused, wiping at his eyes before he carried on, voice low with emotion, cracking slightly as he spoke, eyes locked on Louis. Louis could also feel the eyes of everyone in the room on him as he grabbed his mum’s hand, holding on tight. “Louis, I love you more than I could ever tell you. You’ve forgiven me more than any person deserves forgiveness, and it’s because of you I want to be here, doing this. I want to make you proud of me, I want to be by your side until we’re old and grey and listening back to this album, remembering the amazing times we had. Thank you for loving me, for being there for me despite everything I put you through, and thank you for your unwavering support. This one is, and always has been, completely for you. The title,  _ Start It All Over Again _ , is as much about us as it is about me. I love you.”

Louis blinked back his tears then before he released his Mum’s hand, barrelling his way through the crowd, needing to get to Harry now. He ignored the burning stage lights as he walked shakily up the steps, not stopping until he was in front of Harry, grabbing his cheeks and crashing their lips together in full view of everyone. A cheer rang up that Louis could vaguely hear in the background but he didn't care. He needed Harry to know how much he loved him, how grateful he was for everything.

Eventually, lips sore and red, he pulled back, wiping Harry’s bottom lip with his thumb, smiling softly at his beautiful boyfriend. “That was beautiful, Harry. You didn't have to do that…”

“I know. But I wanted to. I want the world to know how much I love you.  _ Start It All Over Again _ is for you, baby. This album is ours, and every word I sing is for you. I love you so much, Louis.”

“I love you, too,” Louis whispered, words only for the two of them to hear. They kissed again, the audience talking amongst themselves again now, music playing in the background. Louis let himself go into Harry’s hug easily, bodies pressed together from head to toe, lost entirely in each other, ignoring the world around them. Harry was all Louis ever needed.

~*~

“Oh my god-” Louis moaned, throwing his head back against the wall as Harry sucked him down eagerly, his big hands pinning Louis’ hips back against the wall in their bedroom. His legs were shaking and his hands flew down, sliding into Harry’s curls, tugging gently, making Harry moan too. It was a sensory overload for Louis, but he didn't want Harry to ever stop. His eyes were screwed shut and he focused entirely on the warmth and wetness of Harry’s mouth around his cock. 

Harry was eager, that much was clear. They were high on the adrenaline of the party that had ended a few hours before, and now, they were letting go in the best way they knew how. They’d been handsy with each other in the back of the car that had driven them back to Louis’ home, barely able to keep themselves decent until Harry had practically dived out of the car, carrying Louis up the path and straight up the stairs before he’d fallen to his knees, taking Louis’ trousers and boxers with him, sucking him down with sheer abandon. Louis had been on the brink of coming for too long, and he couldn’t wait to get Harry into bed, to explore his body again.

“Fuck, Harry, I’m gonna come-” Louis tugged at his hair harshly and Harry’s fingers dug deeply into his hips for a moment before he slid his lips off Louis’ cock, kissing the head, the base of it grasped in Harry’s large hand. “Shit, sorry…”

“S’ok, Lou. You taste so good, baby…” Harry leaned in and licked at Louis’ slit again, swallowing his precome obnoxiously, making Louis shudder with the sight. Having Harry on his knees for him was one of Louis’ favourite things, but right now, there was something else he wanted more. 

“Miss your tongue piercing, though. Fuck, that was always so good on my cock-”

Harry laughed, stumbling to his feet before he pushed Louis back against the wall, kissing him deeply and pushing his tongue into Louis’ mouth. Louis groaned as he tasted himself, letting Harry lead the kiss. It was dirty and passionate, Louis’ bare bottom half responding easily to Harry’s proximity. Harry’s hips ground against his for a moment, Louis whimpering as the fabric of his trousers brushed over his sensitive cock.

“Bed-” Louis got out before he squeaked as Harry lifted him up, carrying him easily to the bed. Louis propped himself up on his elbows as he watched Harry take off all his clothes, his boyfriend soon entirely naked for him. Louis’ eyes raked over Harry’s body, taking in all of his tattoos, a reminder of the man he’d been so long ago now. They were part of Harry’s history, and Louis suddenly had a need to acknowledge that.

He got off the bed and pushed Harry onto it, straddling his hips, their bare bodies pushed together now. He leaned down, kissing and licking at the tattoos on Harry’s neck, making his boyfriend wriggle and whine in pleasure underneath him. He sucked a bruise into Harry’s pale skin, admiring the dark mark for a moment before he moved down to Harry’s chest, licking there too, his tongue swirling around his nipples. Harry moaned again, bucking his hips, seeking friction for his cock again. Louis squeezed his thighs around Harry’s hips, trying to still him.

“Lay still. Wanna kiss every inch of you.”

Harry nodded and gripped one of Louis’ free hands, holding on as Louis pressed a soft kiss over his heartbeat tattoo, the one that meant so much to the two of them. He moved to Harry’s arms, holding them out and kissing them until Harry had had enough. He quickly flipped them, pinning Louis to the bed beneath him, looking down at him with dark eyes. Louis shuddered, wondering what was coming.

“My turn,” Harry growled before he circled his hips lightly, their erections pressed together. Louis had never wanted Harry more than in that moment, and he parted his lips, letting Harry kiss him again. Somehow, kissing Harry was everything to him. He loved how they spent evenings on his sofa, just cuddling and kissing the hours away. Those were soft kisses, reminders of their love for each other. Then there were kisses like this one, that made Louis tingle down to his toes, made him want Harry touching every single bit of him. His legs fell open and Harry nestled between them, cupping Louis’ jaw as their tongues moved together, both men panting and desperate for more.

“What do you want, Lou?” Harry mumbled against Louis’ lips, circling his hips again, making them both groan in pleasure. “Tell me, I’ll give it to you.”

“You. Want you,” was all Louis could mutter, and Harry nodded, reaching for the lube from the bedside table. They’d been tested a few weeks back and had decided to stop using condoms, figuring they were the only ones each other was sleeping with. Louis loved the intimacy it granted them, and the first time they’d barebacked had been one of the most meaningful times they’d ever had sex, bodies thrusting together into the small hours of the morning, keen to make it last.

Louis started trembling as Harry coated his fingers with lube, moving down to between Louis’ legs, to his most private place. Harry must have noticed his shaking as he paused, a look of concern on his face.

“Lou, you okay? I don’t have to-”

“No, please do. I just… I want you so much. And I love you, Haz. I love this, love that we do this.”

“Me too,” Harry replied, hovering over Louis to kiss him as he pressed his finger inside, Louis groaning at the intrusion. They were both versatile, Louis enjoying both topping and bottoming depending on how he felt, but tonight, he just wanted Harry to take him, to make him his. He needed that feeling of being Harry’s, of Harry showing him how much he loved him over and over. Harry was gentle, working his finger in and out of Louis as he kissed him, distracting him from the slight burn as he was stretched open.

“You’re so beautiful, Lou,” Harry whispered, sliding a second finger alongside his first, nibbling gently on Louis’ bottom lip. Louis hummed into it, his hand resting on Harry’s bare back, his skin sweaty under his touch. He loved how primal and needy he felt like that, Harry making him feel so good that he couldn’t focus his thoughts. His mind was a scramble of HarryHarryHarry, and his chest was heaving as he fought to take in enough oxygen, determined to make this moment last.

“I’m ready-please-” he begged, eyes stinging with tears as Harry pulled up slightly, looking at him with all Louis could describe as complete devotion in his eyes. He nodded slightly, and Louis watched as Harry coated his cock in lube, always careful never to hurt Louis. As always, he reached up and pressed his fingers to Harry’s heartbeat tattoo as Harry lined up, teasing him with the slick head of his cock against Louis’ hole, making him whimper for more. “Harry, don’t-”

“I’m sorry, baby. Love you.” He pushed his hips forwards gently, burying himself deep inside Louis. Louis’ body gave way to Harry easily, letting him inside until Harry’s hips were flush with Louis’ ass, and they both exhaled, trying not to come. Harry’s hand had encircled the base of Louis’ cock, helping push back the feelings of his orgasm, and they locked eyes, Harry’s other hand stroking up and down Louis’ thigh. “Ready?”

Louis nodded, and Harry drew his hips back slowly, keeping just the very tip of his cock inside Louis before he slid forwards again, both of them crying out at the sensations zipping through them. Louis felt so full, and Harry felt so right between his thighs, he couldn’t drag his eyes away even if he wanted to. Harry’s confidence grew with each slow thrust and soon, he picked up his pace, not letting his eyes leave Louis’ body as he pushed into him over and over.

“Lemme try something…” he murmured before he took Louis’ ankle in his hand, bringing it up to rest on his shoulder. The slight shift in position allowed for him to penetrate Louis at a deeper angle, making Louis cry out with his first thrust, the head of his cock brushing against Louis’ prostate. Harry smirked at the visceral reaction from Louis, and didn't let up, relentlessly pounding into him, drawing all manner of noises from his boyfriend. Louis just let it all happen, admiring how Harry’s body was flushed with exertion simply from fucking him.

Staring up at Harry was wonderful, but Louis needed more.

“Harry, stop for a sec-”

Harry did, watching as Louis wriggled his body up, Harry’s hard cock slipping from his body, leaving him all too empty. 

“Sit up, against the headboard.”

Harry raised his eyebrows but did as Louis asked, settling back against the headboard, stroking his cock slowly as he watched Louis kneel up in front of him, turned on himself at the sight of Louis like this. Louis reached down, wrapping his fingers around his cock as he stared at Harry, eyes roaming over each other without any modicum of shame. He shuffled forwards on his knees, now sat atop Harry’s thighs as Harry still touched himself, cheeks red and eyes dark.

“Harry, I love you.”

He batted Harry’s hand out of the way and raised up onto his knees, shifting forward enough that he hovered over Harry’s cock, his own pressed against Harry’s stomach now. Wordlessly, he reached behind him, steadying Harry’s cock as he lowered himself down, Harry slipping easily back into Louis’ body.

“Fuck, yeah-” Louis moaned, closing his eyes as he sank down until he was on Harry’s lap, Harry’s hands supporting him at his hips, guiding Louis up and down ever so slightly, in small movements that were driving them both wild. Louis brought his arms up, flinging them around Harry’s neck before he pulled him into a deep kiss, his tongue delving deep into Harry’s mouth. He legs were working hard as he rode Harry like this, their breaths mingling as their bodies rocked together, Louis feeling closer to Harry than he ever had. “Feel so good inside me, so deep, Haz…”

“Your body is just… so perfect,” Harry muttered against his lips, one hand trailing up, over Louis’ chest until it gently cupped the back of his neck. Louis shivered as he felt Harry’s fingers trailing across his tattoo, over the see-through dressing he had there. Harry kept pressing against it as Louis sped up a little, lifting up before slamming back down, making them both cry out. It was needy, it was desperate and to Louis, it was perfect

They kissed hungrily as Louis rode Harry faster, Harry’s cock so hard by now Louis almost wanted to scream. He was being stretched open in the best way, and Harry’s hands were all over him, leaving a trail of fire behind in their wake. His skin felt hot and he needed to come, to feel his orgasm pulsate through his body.

“Make me come, Haz…” he panted out, and Harry nodded, taking Louis’ cock in his hand, stroking in rhythm with Louis’ thrusts. Louis leaned back, feeling a bit wanton as he clamped his hands down on Harry’s thighs, exposing himself entirely. He didn't care Harry was seeing all of his scars, the parts of him he usually kept hidden, and all he wanted was this forever. “Oh god, Harry, I’m gonna. Oh fuck, shit- oh…”

He started to come, still forcing his burning thighs to lift himself up and down, wanting Harry to come inside him. His body was thrumming with pulses of pleasure as Harry gripped his hips, moving him up and down until he felt warmth engulf his insides, Harry grunting as he released wave after wave of come into Louis’ body. Louis collapsed forwards against Harry’s, trying to calm himself down. When his breath was steadier, he reluctantly lifted himself up, letting Harry slip out of him before he laid down on the mattress, ignoring the wet feeling running down his thighs.

Harry reached down for the covers and yanked them up and over them, leaning over Louis for a moment. He stroked his cheek softly, giving him a sweet smile as he shook his head ever so slightly.

“What?”

“Just feel so lucky to have you in my life again. You make me happier than I ever thought I’d be, Louis. I love you so, so much.  I’m so grateful you gave me a second chance.”

“I love you too.” Louis let Harry kiss him for a moment until he pulled away, realising how he could make this night even more perfect. “I want you to move in with me.”

Harry grinned and nodded quickly, barely hesitating before he answered. “Yes. A hundred times yes, Lou, fuck...”

“You belong here,” Louis tried to say between the kisses Harry was pressing all over his face, the pair of laughing together again. “You belong in our home, here with me. Want to wake up to you all the time, kiss you before I go to sleep. You’re here all the time anyway so fuck it, let’s make it official, Haz. Live with me. Make a home with me.”

“‘M already home,” Harry muttered as he lowered his head into a kiss, his soft lips meeting Louis’ again. 

  
  
  



	18. Epilogue

_ One Year Later _

Louis looked around the room. His eyes glanced around, landing on the smiling young faces in the room, watching as they spoke to their parents, the other guests milling about, making conversation. A year ago, Louis being in a social situation like this would have been unthinkable. He’d have turned down the invitation, telling them he was happy to support it financially, but that he couldn’t attend. But so much had changed. His life as he had known it had turned on its head, and Louis had never been happier.

He reached for his glass of orange juice, jumping and nearly sloshing the liquid on the floor as a pair of hands rested on his hips, pulling him backwards slightly into another body. He turned and looked up behind him, smiling at the familiar face, eyes taking in the sight in front of him.

“You made me jump. Bit of warning next time before you sneak up and put your hands on me?”

“You’re my husband, I can touch you anytime I want,” Harry teased, pecking Louis’ lips lightly, not making too much a show given where they were. That was the biggest thing that had changed in Louis’ life over the past year. He and Harry were married now, more than happily so. Their wedding day had been the best of Louis’ life, and he was unashamed about how many tears he’d shed that day, all of his dreams finally coming true. He was now Harry’s forever, and more importantly, Harry was his.

Harry had proposed on Louis’ birthday the year his debut album had soared to Number One in the charts, staying at the top of the charts for an amazing twelve weeks, and it was still in the top thirty albums even now. He’d proposed by the Christmas tree, producing a beautiful platinum band from his pocket, and Louis had sobbed, murmuring ‘yes, yes, yes’ over and over until Harry placed the band on his ring finger, sealing the deal. Their wedding had been a small, intimate affair with only their closest family and friends present while they’d vowed to belong to each other for the rest of their lives, both with smiles they hadn’t removed all day.

Just knowing he was married to Harry was enough for Louis to feel forever content. They’d been through hell and back together, and somehow, they’d made it to this, their own happy ever after. And now, he was hoping he could help to make some children’s dreams come true. He turned, taking Harry’s hand in his own as they walked around, smiling and greeting people. Some of the children shook as they met Harry, and Louis admired his husband as he crouched down, talking easily with them like he’d known them for years, putting them at ease with just a few words.

“You want to come and say hi with me?” Louis heard Harry say to a little girl wearing a lilac tutu, red Doctor Marten boots on her feet. She nodded and slid her little hand into Harry’s, approaching Louis with her gaze fixed firmly on the floor. “Lou, this is Aimee, she really wanted to meet you.”

“Hi, Aimee! I love your boots, my sisters Phoebe and Daisy would be really jealous of those.”

“They’re my favourite shoes,” she said softly, feeling brave enough to look up at Louis quickly now. “I like your tie.”

Louis fixed his forest green tie quickly, smiling at the girl. “Thank you. Harry picked it out for me.”

“Is he your boyfriend?” she whispered, blushing as she asked. Louis figured she couldn’t have been much more than seven years old, and shook his head.

“No, he’s my husband. Have you heard any of his songs?”

At that, Aimee nodded eagerly and started chatting to Louis about her favourite ones, Harry watching on fondly from a few steps away. There was nothing Louis liked more than talking to children, and when he’d received the invitation to this charity auction, he’d accepted easily, Harry promising to join him. 

It was only six months ago that the charity Epilepsy UK had approached both Louis and Harry, asking them to be patrons for their charity after Louis had finally publicised the news of his epilepsy in an exclusive interview on BBC Radio 1 alongside his husband. Both had accepted, humbled to have been asked and had since used their fame to raise as much money as they could for the charity, Harry even donating a portion of the sales of his last single to the charity as well, much to Louis’ delight. Both of their Twitter bios proudly linked to the charity’s website, where they were listed as patrons, both keen to raise as much awareness as they could.

Tonight’s event was a charity auction. The charity had invited some of the younger Epilepsy sufferers around the country to the event, and Louis had smiled when he’d read the list of prizes, ranging from simple things like cinema tickets, to theme park tickets to Chessington and Thorpe Park, to dinners at restaurants around the country. It was all things families could partake in together, and Louis hadn’t hesitated in offering his own prize, along with Harry and the other boys.

Louis had donated a songwriting session, a whole day spent with him working on a song of the winner’s choosing. Harry had donated a signed copy of his album and a chance to record in a studio with him, something Louis knew a lot of his fans would die for. Niall had donated one of the guitars he’d recently used on tour, and Liam had donated tickets to one of his upcoming tour dates. Louis loved his friends for getting behind the charity like this, and the fact they’d come along tonight despite their busy schedules meant the world to him.

“Uh, sorry, Louis, can we borrow you for a moment?”

Louis looked up at Harry, not wanting to abandon the little girl and make her think she wasn’t important. 

“You want to come with me and meet my friends Niall and Liam?” Harry asked, and the little girl nodded, taking Harry’s hand as he took her over to where Liam was sat, chatting to a couple of teenage boys. Louis felt grateful as he walked off with one of the staff for the event, talking quietly about the upcoming speech he had to make. He’d felt nervous when they’d asked him to speak, but somehow, he knew it was important that he did this.

He rejoined Harry, who was now chatting with Niall and Liam easily, the three laughing and joking about something, all clutching drunks in their hands.

“Having fun, lads?” he asked as Harry slid his hand into the back pocket of Louis’ trousers. “I really appreciate you both being here, you know-”

“We know, Tommo,” Niall said with a roll of his eyes. “You don’t have to keep saying it, mate. Anything we can do, we’re happy to. You both all set for the tour?”

Louis looked up to his husband, watching as he proudly nodded.

“Yeah, think so. I did my final rehearsals the other day and I’m just excited to get going now, you know? I want to be on the road, to sing those songs every single night to people who want to hear them. I’ve missed touring so much.” He paused then, looking over to Louis before he spoke again. “It’s going to be even better now this one’s coming on the road with me. Stop me from getting all lonely.”

“Ah, you’d only miss the sex, not me,” Louis teased, making Liam nearly choke as he swallowed his drink, Niall reaching out to smack him on the back a few times until he got his breath back. “Sorry, love, only joking. I’m excited too. Be nice to watch you up there, doing what you do best every night.”

They kissed, and laughed at Liam and Niall’s scoffs of disgust, too used to the PDA now to really be bothered.

“What about Cliff? Is he coming?” Liam asked, and Louis shook his head.

“Nah, Nick’s taking him for a few months. That damned dog always did love Pig and Stinky more than me, so I figure he’ll be okay. Mum would take him, but it’s a bit much for her, so I’m grateful Nick’s offered.”

Louis had to admit he missed Nick now he and Harry had bought their own home nearer London, which was much easier for them in terms of work. They lived in a small village on the outskirts of the city, close enough they could get there for meetings but far enough out they weren’t surrounded by people, both eager that Louis still had his peace and quiet. Louis loved their house. It was big enough to have its own small studio on the ground floor so Harry could record his songs, a soundproof room for Louis to write in, and four bedrooms upstairs, so their friends could stay whenever they were around. Harry had used his flair for interior decoration to make it homely, hanging their awards and photos on every available wall, and to Louis, it was perfect. He was going to miss it while they headed out across Europe and then to America, but it would be waiting when they got home again in six months.

There was a lull in the noise as someone tapped a microphone up on the stage, all eyes on the room turning towards it. Louis’ heart started to thump, knowing the time to make his speech was getting closer. First, though, was the auction. They all took their seats at the gathered round tables, all four men sat together on one table. Zayn had been invited but was on his honeymoon, soaking up the sun in the Maldives, so Louis had let him off.

“Thank you all for coming to this event tonight to support Epilepsy UK. So many kind individuals and companies have donated their goods to this auction, so please donate as much as you can. There is a large selection of items available, so I hope there is something there for everyone. Without further ado, let’s begin.”

The four friends sat together as they watched excited children egging their parents on to buy coveted items, not one item left unsold. When it had been the turn of Harry’s auction, he’d gone up on stage, watching as hands flew up around the room, walking over to the eventual winner, a teenage girl who he hugged easily, taking a photo with her before he rejoined Louis, holding his hand.

“This is amazing, Lou. We have to do this more.”

Liam and Niall also went on stage for their auctions, laughing as some girls got a bit competitive, the two men soothing the arguments and tears by offering to take some pictures and sign some things for the girls, which pacified those who hadn’t won the auctions a little. Finally, it was time for Louis’ auction. Harry kissed him before he walked up to the stage, and he felt slightly dizzy in the bright stage lights but focused on Harry, smiling at his concerned looking spouse.

In the end, an amazing five figure sum had been raised by the charity, and Louis knew that he, Harry, Liam and Niall were going to double it together, something they’d discussed earlier that night but they were going to tell the organisers that later on, wanting it to be for the charity, not for any attention they’d receive because of it. Louis was sat holding Harry’s hand as the director of Epilepsy UK made his way to the stage, readying to introduce Louis.

“Tonight, we have been blessed with the presence of one of our patrons. Louis Tomlinson-Styles is here with us, alongside his husband Harry, who is also another of our patrons. Together, they have raised an amazing amount of money for our charity, and we are honoured to have them support us for yet another successful year. He has a few words to say to you all, so please, put your hands together for Louis Tomlinson-Styles!”

Applause rang up around the room as Louis got to his feet, leaning to kiss Harry quickly before he made his way to the stage, legs shaking with nerves. It had been too long since he’d been on a stage like this, and even then, he’d had his three best friends at his side, sharing the spotlight with him. Now, though, it was all on him.

“Good evening, everyone. I’m Louis Tomlinson-Styles, and it’s an honour to be here tonight with you all. I am so proud to be a patron of Epilepsy UK with my husband, Harry. It’s wonderful to see so many of you here tonight, and I’m so proud of the superb amount of money that has been raised through the auctions. I know it will be put to great use, in furthering research into Epilepsy, and looking into more radical and innovative treatments to help sufferers.”

He cleared his throat, sliding his finger into the neck of his shirt, giving him a second to breathe before he started speaking again, his voice ringing out clearly and loudly into the microphone.

“As you know, this charity is very close to my heart. Just over six years ago now, I was diagnosed with Epilepsy. It came as a shock to me, and it was the last thing I expected. I’ll be honest. I thought that my life was over. I spiralled into a bad place, and it took a lot of help from my family and friends to make me realise that I still had a life to live, just a different one from that I was living before.”

“Now, thanks to my amazing team of doctors, I live seizure free. Like many of you, I take medications to keep my seizures under control, and my husband, family and friends know how to help me if ever I were to suffer another seizure. I’ve stopped seeing my epilepsy as a burden, and instead see it as something that empowers me, that make me stronger than I was before, and that makes me strive to succeed, no matter what.”

Louis’ gaze drifted back to where he knew Harry was sitting, and he could see him wipe at his eyes, Liam’s arm around his shoulders supporting him. Louis sent him a quick wink, and carried on.

“I haven’t allowed my Epilepsy to stop me doing what I love. My job is writing music, and I love it. Every day I wake up, I can truthfully say I love going to work, I love that I can create music that can make me happy, or make me cry. It makes people feel, and that is the power of music. Music has been in my life since I was a child, and I feel blessed to still work within it. I used to be in a band when I was younger, with three of my best friends, and while I couldn’t do that anymore, I adjusted. I write with them now, and I get to join in with their successes. I celebrate with them. One of best friends went on tour recently, and I got to sit backstage and watch him do what he does best. My husband won Brit awards for Best British Single and Best British Album earlier this year, and watching him go on stage to accept those, for a song and album we wrote together, was just everything. He’d won, and for me, that was enough.”

“What I want to say tonight, though, is that you don’t have to let your epilepsy define you. I was sent so many letters from young people after I became a patron of this charity, full of worries and fears about their future. Children worrying they wouldn’t be able to go into their dream careers. Worrying they wouldn’t be able to get their seizures under control. Worrying they’d never find someone who loved them as they are. And I am here to tell you none of that is true. I’m living proof of that. I’m doing a job I love, my epilepsy is under control, and I’m married to the most wonderful man who loves me just the way I am. Sure, having seizures in front of him or my family was terrifying at first, but now, they’re as much a part of me as the fact I snore at night.”

There was bit of laughter around the room at that, and Louis caught sight of Harry nodding and laughing along with the boys, sniffing emotionally. 

“You are more than your epilepsy. It is part of you but it isn’t who you are. Have dreams, dare to live them, aim high and don’t ever give up. I never wanted to live with Epilepsy. No one does. But I do, and now, I don’t think I’d change a thing about my life. We are so much stronger than we know, and I hope each and every one of you here tonight realises that. You just need to look deep inside and find that strength. I found mine. I know you can find yours too. Thank you.”

Louis blinked as slowly, everyone in the room stood up, applauding and cheering for him. He watched as Harry fought his way to the front, grabbing Louis in a tight hug in front of everyone before they kissed quickly, wedding bands glinting boldly in the bright lights. They parted but kept their hands held as they smiled out at the audience, seeing smile after smile reflected back at them.

Life may have taken Louis on a different path to the one he’d always thought he’d be on, but the twists and turns they’d taken to get there now meant he’d arrived at his destination with his Harry, the only place he’d ever wanted to end up. It may have been an unusual journey, but he’d ended up with a husband, a career and a bright future ahead of him. Harry was by his side, and really, that was all Louis had ever wanted. His own happy-ever-after. He couldn’t help himself and leaned in to kiss Harry again then, just because he could. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> There is a [rebloggable Tumblr fic post](https://chloehl10.tumblr.com/post/183648428041/love-will-tear-us-apart-by-lovelarry10-complete) if you wish to share it!


End file.
